A Review

Confession:  I buy books.  I buy books about how to be a better mother/wife/christian and then I don't read them. I get tired of being the way I am so I rush out to our local used bookstore and find some book that I just KNOW will be the turning point in my life, bring it home, read a chapter or two and then set it down until the next time I'm particularly disgusted with myself.

It's been a long time since I've actually finished anything. 

BUT, I have JUST finished reading What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst.  You know when you're talking to someone and they say something and you instantly know that you're kindred spirits because they've just said the very thing you haven't been able to put into words? Or they explain something that you've been frustrated about and it totally makes sense? 

The only other book I've read by Lysa TerKeurst is Made to Crave.  Actually, that's a lie. I didn't READ it, I got it for free from Audible for signing up for a free month.  So technically, I listened to it.  Anyway, I do subscribe to her daily email devotions.

This book is directed toward women who want to grow and walk in a deeper level of faith.  Lysa bases the book on what she refers to as "five phases of faith" which are 

"1.  Leaving:  In order to go to a new level of faith with God, you've got to leave the old behind.
2.  Famine:  In this new place, you'll realize your comfort zone is gone, and you'll learn to depend on God like never before.
3.  Believing:  You've always want to really believe God, but now your experience of Him becomes too real to deny.
4.  Death:  Coming to the end of your ability to make things happen seems like death to you.  But to God, this is the only way to new life with Him.
5.  Resurrection:  In a way only He could, God makes your dream come true.  Only then do you understand that real joy isn't in the dream itself but rather in the richer faith you acquired along the way."  (pgs 9-10)

She uses biblical examples and personal narratives to support her ideas.  My favorite of the biblical examples is her comparison of the leadership of Moses and Joshua and the very different responses of the Israelites based on those differences.  At the end of each chapter there is a little study guide, with scripture references and, sometimes, assignments. 

I got this book from the library but I can definitely see myself purchasing it so that I can read it and refer to it over and over again. It speaks to my spirit and hits the spot only kindred spirits can find. 

Unbalanced Scales

In the last 3 years I have lost 148 pounds and regained 50 of them.

For two years I found it almost easy to only eat the things I should and only in the appropriate portions...with few exceptions.  I tracked my food, went to Weight Watcher meetings, weighed myself once a week and worked out on a regular basis.

For the first time in my life I was sure of my salvation and reveling in my intimate relationship with God.  And each week as I stepped on the scale I received affirmation that God was working in my life.

And then I got to my lowest weight.  And hovered there for around 9 months. But Weight Watchers and BMI standards said I still had 20 pounds to lose before I could be considered a normal weight.  I worked out for hours a day, stuck to my points and I STILL hovered at that number on the scale.

All of that time I had friends and family telling me how muscular I was and respond in shock when I informed them I needed to lose 20 more pounds.

The longer I hovered the more discouraged I got.  I would cry out to God and ask Him why He had left me.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I sin...and there are plenty of things that God could send me straight to hell for...but by His grace I am saved! But I couldn't understand what had changed.

You see, I had been letting that scale gauge my relationship with God. If it went down, everything was good, God loved me and He was pouring His grace into my life.  So when the scale stopped moving, I assumed that God had left me.

Yesterday He really opened my eyes to the fact that the scale had really become something way beyond a piece of feedback. It had become an idol of sorts. I let it define my world. Even my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

He hasn't left me.  He never left me.

How ridiculous of me.

So what does this all mean?  Are all the problems in my life solved? No. Does this mean the pounds are going to start melting off? Probably not.

What it does mean is that I am committing to staying off the scale for now.  It's about living by the Spirit.  Not the scale.  I do want to lose weight. But I mostly want to lose the weights that are holding me back while I am running the race that my Father has set before me.  Does that mean physical weight loss? Probably. Because it means fixing my eyes on Jesus and not food...which will lead to self control which will lead to reaping the benefits of self control.

I'm not sure if the best course of action is to continue with Weight Watchers or not.  I do know that even if I go to meetings that I will not be weighing in, at least for a while.  And the $42 it costs us a month is kind of a burden on my family, that's $42 I could add to my grocery budget!

At this point I don't want to make any sudden movements. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Because ultimately, THAT'S what I want for me.

The Title that Wasn't

It's amazing how much things can change in a year. Or even a day.

For two years I managed to be full of self control. I lost 148 pounds. I gained a lot of self confidence, developed some good habits and felt better than I had in my entire life.

But the biggest thing that happened? I had a relationship with God that I had never had before. For the first time in my entire life, I was confident in my salvation. Not because of how good I was, but because Jesus is good and died to cleanse me of my not goodness.

A year later? I'm struggling. I've gained back a good fifty pounds, and I constantly catch myself eating my feelings and repeating the behaviors that got me to my highest weight.

I could give you a sob story about how my thyroid started acting up and I had to start back on medication and all that jazz. But the truth is...you know what? I don't know what the truth is. I know that for some reason I am struggling. I know that for some reason self control is a challenge for me again.

And as I've gained weight, that ghost girl that disappeared as my relationship with Christ grew, is somehow making a reappearance. And I can't even tell you what a scary thought that is for me.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for all the people who watched me and encouraged me as I lost the weight to see me. I am ashamed.

I admit, I'm not really clear on how things really work. I believe in the Holy Spirit but I don't feel confident in saying exactly how He works in my life. But I do know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control". I believe that, I do. So why do I feel powerless and lacking self control? I'm not questioning God, I'm searching myself because I'm the loose canon in this equation.

I hope this doesn't sound depressed. I'm not depressed. Just frustrated. And pretty embarrassed. And disappointed.

Advice? Prayer? Opinions? Prayer requests? I'm open! The only thing I'm not open to is Jenny Craig. Or Nutrisystem. Or...

You get my drift! :)

Progress, Not Perfection, RIGHT?

Five years ago, most of our food came from a box or a drive thru. Five years ago, cereal and frozen pizza were a staple in our house. Five years ago I couldn't understand why ANYONE would pay $2 for a pound of butter when I could buy a GINORMOUS tub of margarine for fifty cents.

While I am absolutely not going to claim that our food never comes from a drive thru or that my kids NEVER eat cereal...our lifestyle and eating habits are so different.

A few years ago I thought baking anything from scratch was just a waste of time. And I probably rolled my eyes at anyone who thought it was important.

Now, when my kids want something that comes from a box I kind of take it as a challenge to make it from scratch. I have found soooo much delight and contentment in this. 

Homemade hamburger buns and french fries...I didn't make the meat from scratch...sorry, that one just isn't in my repertoire.

Homemade and YUMMY! graham crackers...they are whole wheat and sweetened with maple syrup and honey.

Homemade Poptarts....so versatile...you could fill these with pizza fixings or any number of things.

Okay, so we've established that progress has been made (progress, NOT perfection, right?!).

Here's the thing, I have a hang up. I just haven't been able to get myself to make homemade beef stock. I make chicken stock all the time. I can find and purchase a whole chicken relatively easily. But beef stock requires me to first FIND, pick up and then carry an amputated calves foot around in my grocery cart.

I'm a wimp, I know.

But I am ready to try it. I am going to locate the place where one would purchase a calves foot, I am going to either put it in my basket or carry it to the check out, I am going to pay for it, and I am going to bring it home and put it in a pot and make beef stock.

That is what I am going to do.

Just thought you should know.