A Day of Rest

It's always struck me as odd how adamant God was with the Israelites that they take a day of rest. And how hard it was for them to do it. They even ended up making crazy laws about exactly how far they could walk because they wanted to know EXACTLY where the line was.

But I guess I kind of know how they felt. I have such a hard time feeling like it's okay to take a rest day from running/exercise.

And not only is it okay, but it's actually good for me. I always have a good running day the day after I take a rest day.

But it's so hard to actually do it. Michael teases me that instead of running on my rest days I do something even more hard on my body at home.

And it's kind of true. I can't even tell you the inward struggle I had this morning to simply walk instead of run. And then not to rush home and do a strenuous workout video to make up for not running.

I'm afraid that if I stop for a day I might not ever do it again. I might just let it all go. And that's scary. Because I don't want to let it all go.

I believe that I need rest. I've seen the benefits of it. But it's so hard to trust and not try to make excuses and workout anyway. Even though I know, logically, that it would not be beneficial to my body.

It's all so typical of me. Instead of sitting back and letting God work, letting Him direct my steps, I think I have to take matters into my own hands. I think that if I just read one more chapter in my Bible then God will really forgive and love me. If I just get up at 4:45 am when my alarm goes off, then I'm saved. And if I don't do those things...I'm a loser who can't even get out of bed for God's glory and I've punched my ticket to hell.

I'm a mess. I'm a mess who keeps trying to clean itself up. And if messes could clean themselves up, my life would be a lot easier...but they don't. So I guess I'll just have to rely on the custodian of my soul to do it for me.

Running the Race That's Marked Out for Me

I had an awesome day today.

Honestly, my attitude stunk for part of it...but for the part it DIDN'T ...it was a great day!

This morning when I headed out for my run I didn't really have a plan. So the closer I got to my running place I began to formulate a plan.

I started out following a 5k training program, but the first day I couldn't even run the assigned period of time. I had to stop halfway through. And seeing as how I'm signed up for a 5k that requires me to run the entire time, that was a bit scary. So I decided to go all rogue and do my own training plan.

Basically, I started with running for a minute and walking for 2. Everyday lengthening the time I run and lessening the time I walk. My longest run (all at once without stopping to walk) before today was 11:20.

So today I decided on a length of time to run and a length of time to walk.

I arrived at my starting place, my music began and I took off.

When I'm running, even though I have a set amount of time to run, I find a place in the distance...a tree or a sign or a bench...and fix my eyes on that and just keep telling myself "just make it to that point".

Well today, when I passed my first marker and my time was up, I smiled to myself and thought..."eh...I can keep going".

So I picked out the second visual marker. And passed it.

Then the third. And I passed it as well.

I passed all of my visual markers four times each.  As I would pass, I'd smile to myself and think "maybe I can make it to the next one". (I have to admit, pulling that hill for the fourth time did not bring a smile to my face until after I reached the top.)

And I did that for four miles...42 minutes of straight running.

FOUR. MILES.

I have to be honest. It wasn't until I had passed my last marker before the finish line that I really considered how long/far I had run. I just ran from one marker to the next.

And it made a difference. I did something I wasn't even sure I'd be able to do in November. But I did it. And it was amazing!

I'm a runner. And that, my friends, is absurd!

Guess what? (NOT Chicken Butt)

Guess what?! I'm pretty sure I never in a million years would have ever thought I would say this.

And I'm pretty sure that the people who know me best would agree.

I love running.

There. I said it. I love running!

I actually look forward to it and miss it when I don't have time to leave the house to do it.

Yeah, yeah, it hurts. And sometimes I want to stop in the middle. The awesome thing about that is...if I can get through those little rough patches...and get to the end of my predetermined running time...I end up thinking "hey, I feel like running a little further". And I do. And then I think "hey...I'm almost done, why not just run a little further?!" And I do. And I cross that finish line thinking...wow! I did that! That's amazing! And I can do it again tomorrow.

And I actually look forward to doing it tomorrow!

But tomorrow, I will not take a nap and I will go at my regular time when the delta breeze has had 12 hours to create the perfect running temperature...just for me!

Love Smells!

Ever wondered what love SMELLS like?

I'll tell you what it smells like...

it smells like chocolate chip cookies.
it smells like freshly baked bread.
it smells like freshly laundered towels and socks.
it smells like stinky feet.
it smells like Lysol Toilet Bowl cleaner.
it smells like freshly cut grass.
it smells like freshly mopped floors.
it smells like a burning candle.
it smells like bubble bath.
it smells like freshly sharpened pencils and big pink erasers.
it smells like a sweaty kid rushing through the door bursting with exciting news from the day.

I woke up with a bad attitude today. Aw...I'll be honest...it's kind of been an epidemic for the past couple of weeks.

Today I thought about attempting to cure it by taking a nap. But I baked cookies instead.

I think it was a good idea!

Help Wanted

The other night I saw the movie The Help. I read the book a few months ago and I couldn't put it down!!

While I will admit that I did enjoy the book a bit more than the movie (some of the castings didn't seem quite right to me) I did enjoy both a good deal.

What gets me most in stories like that (and about the Holocaust) is not the actual perpetrators of the crimes...because they actually are deluded into thinking they are right (and as much as I hate to admit it...and I pray it is not to that grotesque extent...we all have blind spots). What gets me is the people who see that the crimes are wrong but are too afraid of what will happen to them or what their friends will think if they actually do the right thing (like Skeeter's mother).

Well, I know you'll probably find this dramatic...but from what I hear people who blog tend to be on the dramatic side...so...I guess it's to be expected.

Today while I was walking home from my 5k training there was a woman unloading a large load of groceries. She had unloaded the trunk, setting her purchases on the retaining wall so she wouldn't have to carry it all up the steps and all the way to her door.

I saw her, saw that she needed help, and I even wanted to help her. But I didn't.

It's not that I felt like helping her would have cut into my workout...it probably would have given me a little extra calorie burn.

I was afraid of what she'd think of me. I was afraid that she would be afraid of me and that I was somehow going to take advantage of her. I thought about giving her my phone and telling her to keep it until I had finished helping her...so she'd have something of value of mine to ensure I wasn't going to steal her stuff or harm her in some way.

But I kept walking. And kicking myself.

I totally passed up an opportunity to help someone who obviously needed it. And why?! Because I was afraid of what she'd think of me.

So yeah, this isn't the Holocaust and my lack of assistance didn't lead to anyone being physically harmed (well, she might get a little dehydrated out there in this heat!) but I saw someone in need and I didn't help them. And no matter the situation - how mild or severe...that is not right. Not everyone can be Schindler or a Martin Luther King Jr...be we can all do SOMETHING. And if EVERYONE would just do SOMETHING...a lot would get done!

But alas, I missed my opportunity. I pray that God will give me an opportunity!

On a lighter note...in my 5k training I totally beat my goal time by 1:30 today! And when I hugged Michael today he said "wow! You're all muscle-y". Woohoo! Progress!

Me? A Runner?

Today I signed up for what will be my 3rd 5k.

When I signed up I had two choices...I could go for the untimed noncompetitive 5k and do a walk/run combo or I could sign up for the timed 5k run.

The rules are very clear.

If you sign up for the competitive/timed run...there is no stopping to walk.

So, which one do you think I signed up for? The reasonable one? The one that most fits my fitness level? The one where I CAN WALK IF I NEED TO?!

No, no I did not.

Am I nuts?! Probably.

The thing is, I don't consider myself a runner. And I will admit that, in my 2 event 5k history, I haven't trained at all.

Well, I'll tell ya what. Today I started training. Because I'm scared.

So, I'm sure you're asking yourself...if I know this is nuts, why did I do it?

I'll tell you why I did it.

I did it because I know that I have absolutely no chance at being the best or winning. In fact, I'm probably going to come in last. And because I need to learn to be okay with that.

I stop myself from doing things I want and need to do because I'm not as good as another person who does it.

I need to beat my mind and body into submission so that I don't stop working/serving/loving because I don't do it as well as somebody else. I need to learn that it's still worth the effort.

I'm going to train and prepare my mind and body for this race.  And I'm going to give it my best shot. Whatever the end result of that is, I'm willing to accept it.

My Conspiracy Theory Concerning Socks

Sometimes I wonder if there is a secret sock tax that the government imposes by way of our dryer...or maybe they steal OUR socks and distribute them to their employees as part of their benefits package.

If I suddenly go missing you'll all know that I stumbled upon the governments secret sock plan....and that if you want to protect your socks...don't put them in the dryer!! :)

Or maybe there's some magnetic balance in the world that must be maintained by socks...and when there are too many socks in the world they gravitate toward a black hole until the balance is restored.

I'm just kidding. The constant stream of missing socks is quite frustrating but I'm not really a sock conspiracy theorist.

Although I would like to know where all the socks have gone.

Loser or Not?

I haven't been being as open about my weightloss/or lack thereof lately. I'm not sure what that means.

I do have my reasons.

Out of the past 5 weigh-ins I've gained 3 times. I was not emotionally ready to share that information. Because while most people mean well and are encouraging...there are the people who think I've gone back to my old habits and lecture me about what I'm doing wrong. And when you're working hard it's difficult to have someone tell you that you're doing it all wrong...especially when they don't know what you're doing at all.

Last weeks gain, I'm pretty sure, was the result of a heavy workout schedule. I hadn't worked out like that in a couple of months and restarting always makes me gain.

But, I have to admit, these past two weeks have been challenging for me. Trying to figure out what's going on and rededicating to everything and assessing to find areas where I need improvement.

Today and last week are the first time in the past 13 months where I've been tempted to not weigh-in. I did weigh-in last week and I will weigh-in today.


I am scared today. I'm afraid of the emotions I'll feel if there's another gain. Afraid that I AM going to fall off the wagon and just go back to my old habits. Afraid that I'm going to be stuck here and give up and not lose anymore or get to my goal weight.

Because I have to admit...I'm shocked that I've made it this far. I honestly don't think that I thought I ever would. I think I thought that I'd be fat for the rest of my life.

It's scary. I'm scared. I know that a gain would just provide me with an opportunity to grow...and I want to grow.

So if God has a gain for me today...then I'm (trying to be) okay with that. I want what He wants for me.

I just hope he wants me to lose! and not gain!

The Voice of Truth

I won't bother telling you that I'm at the end of my rope. I've become convinced that only God really knows that information.

I will tell you that I am sorely incompetent.

Today, after having to discipline one my kiddos, my fear and unworthiness and just plain ignorance and lack of know-how and my loathsome parenting/being a person skills overcame me.

I think I might have actually completely freaked them out.

All I could do was sit there and cry and beg God to help me.

I want to show them Jesus. I want to display the gospel to them with my life. I want to be the strong mother and role model that they need.

But I'm not. I'm just not.

The other day I wrote a few of the areas I fall short in, but the truth is, there aren't ANY areas where I don't fall short.


But I am hopeful. I know that God can work in my life. He has. I reached this point about my weightloss a little over a year ago and He has done WONDERS in that area of my life since then.

He has blessed me beyond comprehension. I am thankful.

I need Him. It is abundantly clear. I need Him.

Praise God for His mercy and grace!

It's The Little Things

You know how when you're a kid you can't wait to grow up? You day dream about how glamorous it will be.

My imagination went something like this...

I would get married when I was 14 (because 15 is WAY too long...you're an old maid by 14 and 1/2).

I'd spend all day every day kissing my husband or waiting to kiss my husband (but I somehow managed to keep an impeccable house and make gourmet meals).

When he drove up in the driveway I'd rush to the door with his slippers and pipe in hand. I'd kiss him and lead him to his chair by the fire, hand him his pipe (I don't know where the pipe came from...I don't even think I've known a man who smoked one!), take off his shoes, rub his feet, put his slippers on and then rush into the kitchen to put a perfectly cooked roast on the perfectly decorated and set table.

Then we'd sit down to dinner and he would exclaim over the roast while I served him dessert (probably some 90 layer cake with some ingredient that I had to hike across Death Valley to get...all without breaking a sweat or smudging my bright red lipstick).

Somehow in all of this I managed to be a nurse and save the lives of my patients...for some reason the doctors were never around in my imagination.

Ha! It's funny. I now think 14 is too young for anything.

Michael doesn't smoke a pipe or wear slippers. We don't have a chair by the fireplace or even a fireplace. I do rub his feet sometimes but definitely NOT everyday.

He does tell me that my roast is his favorite but my table isn't decorated, unless you count mismatched dinner plates and silverware placed in the general vicinity of the plate.

I can barely make a cake at all, and 90 layers are definitely OUT OF THE QUESTION...as are ingredients I can't get at Walmart or Costco.

The only nursing I do is cleaning and putting a band-aid on the occasional skinned knee. There definitely aren't any doctors around...but I'm pretty sure I couldn't save anyone's life.

Yeah, my life is glamorous though.

Today we totally went and got four new tires put on our suburban. And then we got pizza at Costco.

When I'm Not Feeling It

I'm not feeling very spiritual. I haven't been for the past few days.

I love God and I haven't lost my desire to love people as a result of that love. But I'm just not feeling close to God.

I know it's my own fault. But I kind of feel like when you can sense something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it? That's how I feel.

I know, I know. I'm using the word 'feel' and 'feeling' a lot and that's probably one of my problems. Because with a stinky thyroid like mine...sometimes I feel like I want to punch people in the face. But alas, I must restrain myself.

Maybe my whole problem is that I'm relying on my flesh to fuel my spirituality. Ugh.

Or maybe my hormones are just in the slump part of my cycle and in a few days I'll feel all sunshine and roses and singing in the streets again.

I guess I better feed my spiritual wolf...because right now it feels like the flesh wolf is winning and that's not a victory to be celebrated. Maybe that's the whole problem...I'm starving my spirit.

So, I guess I better go cook up a big roast beef dinner for my spirit.

Any good recipes or cheesy metaphors to inspire me?!

Sometimes I...

It's so easy to only show the positive side of things online...obviously we all want to put our best foot forward and we want everyone to think the best of us.

Yeah, nobody follows "the letter of the law" but I certainly want you to think I do. I want you to know all the good things I do and I want to hide all the garbage in my life. So, for the sake of really being honest and portraying a balanced (well, ya know) view of my life...

Sometimes I don't feel like unloading the dishwasher so I pretend I forgot to run it and run it again.
Sometimes I stop working out in the middle of a workout.
Sometimes I sleep in and let my kids watch cartoons on Saturday morning.
I absolutely would not want you to look inside my fridge right now.
I've been on day 24 of the FlyLady BabySteps for like two weeks now.
I pretty much only straighten my couch covers when someone is coming over.
I'm behind on laundry right now and I'm folding socks just in time for my kids to wear them.

And now...for your reading pleasure (or maybe not...remember how I said this is a blog to read if you want to feel better about yourself? I'm pretty sure a monkey could write better poetry...but hey...I'm putting myself "out there"...where ever "out there" is. I thought about writing Michael a poem...but then he really dislikes my poetry so it would be more of a present to NOT write him one! So I wrote one about the laundry.)

Ode to Laundry

Laundry you lie there

a cowboy at dawn
walking ten paces
gun swiftly drawn

You lie there and grow
like a bowl full of yeast
You smell and consume
like a big burly beast

Someday I'll conquer
this challenging foe
The floor in my laundry
refreshingly show