Wife Fail! :) Lesson Learned

I attend Celebrate Recovery every Thursday night. It's a Christ centered 12 step recovery program. It's for anyone who has a "hurt, habit or hang up" that they need help overcoming. It's a tool to help people grow to be more like Jesus.

One aspect of the program is called "share group". Basically, each participant gets an opportunity to share whatever is on their heart, without being interrupted, in a completely safe environment.

Confession: I used to really dislike share group. Because suddenly when it's my turn my mind goes blank and I can barely form a coherent sentence. But I have participated because I trust the process and I assumed that at some point it would "click" and I would "get it" and be glad I went.

Well, I think the day has come.

The other day Michael started to tell me a story. It was about something that had hurt his feelings and was bothering him.

He didn't even get finished before I said something to the effect of "that shouldn't hurt your feelings".

He immediately stopped talking.

In my mind I was helping him see the situation differently so that he would feel better about it. But it was rude. And arrogant. And unhelpful.

I should have just listened silently. Instead of trying to fix or help, I should have just listened. Because the benefit of any advice I could have given would not have done for him what just letting him talk it out and process it would have done.

People need that. People need to be heard. People need a safe environment to share what's going on in their hearts and to process it so they can move on. And I'm supposed to be out sharing God's goodness with others and this is one way I can and should be doing that. The Body of Christ should be one big, giant safe place.

But how can I bear anyone else's burdens if I don't listen long and well enough to hear the problem? How can I be sad with people who are sad if I am telling them why they shouldn't be sad? How can I hear their heart if I'm talking?

I eventually got to hear the rest of the story. But it took a while. Because on top of the hurt he was already feeling, now he felt scolded and rebuked for feeling his feelings. Not cool, Hannah, not cool.

I think I've learned my lesson though. I'm not saying I'll never mess up but I intend to be super intentional about it. It is my mission. To listen. Not fix, not help, not criticize, not think up some (not so) sage advice. Just. listen. Intently. And with my whole heart.

Because you deserve it. No matter who you are. No matter what you've done. You deserve it.

James 1:19
Proverbs 18:13
Proverbs 18:2
Proverbs 10:19

Sometimes My Kids Set Me Straight Volume II

About a week and a half ago, my big boys were packing for Scout camp. I had planned to start early, and we did but we didn't finish early and I was headed for my old panic routine of completely flipping out. I don't even remember the specifics, but I remember that I was probably channeling the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland (OFF with their heads!).

I've always said that I want my family to be different. I don't want to yell at each other. I don't want my kids to think I'm a hypocrite. I don't want my kids to be angry at me. I don't want slammed doors and words spewed like venom.

I want love and respect. Even in disagreement. 

I used to be a yeller. As a young mom, I found myself going down a lot of roads I said I never would. 

I didn't know how to be a mom. I didn't know how to create an environment that embodied all of the things I wanted for my family. I still don't really. I know that sounds silly but I honestly was ignorant. I knew that I was supposed to clean the house and feed and bathe my children but I did not understand how to do all of that. It didn't and doesn't come natural to me. I really wish that I had asked someone to help me. But I thought I was supposed to know how to do it all, and I was too prideful to let anyone know how much I didn't know. 

God has done so much work in me. He has sent people my way to teach me and help me. I still have a looooooong way to go but I am so thankful for His work in my life. Did you notice that I said I used to be a yeller?! Uh huh. I used to be. I still mess up every once in a while but I am definitely in recovery for that.

So, in my Queen of Hearts state, Nathaniel had had enough and returned fire (via a response spoken under his breath). I reprimanded him. I was NOT prepared for what happened next. He turned to me and said "when you made that face I felt tempted to talk back to you". I had managed not to yell but apparently the look on my face was pretty rabid...I'm thinking probably Cruella DeVille-ish. Yeah, it was so bad that I have to use more than one Disney villain to fully express the awfulness.

Photo Credit

I actually had a hard time keeping a straight face. We've been working on using the whole "when you...I feel...I need" statements and he totally turned it on me!!! It immediately convicted me and I asked for forgiveness. 

And as they left for camp I spent time in prayer for my sweet boys and for myself. I spent the week asking God to make me a better mom and to transform me completely and to do whatever it takes to make me like Jesus. 

I'm not going to say that I am fixed and that my son will never have to let me know I've crossed the line again, but I am so glad to have them home. I really missed them but I'm so thankful that they had the opportunity to go. 

And I am thankful for the opportunity to see where I'm deficient and to surrender more fully to God's care and control and to all the changes he wants to make in my life.

Thief of Responsibility

Up until about 8 months ago I was completely convinced that all, 100%, of the problems in my relationships were my fault. I believed that I had either created the problem in the first place, or I had made it worse.

Either way--my fault.

I had spent the last 8 or so years examining my relationships and taking ownership of the problems. And definitely a large portion of those problems were mine to own...but I was taking ownership of everything, 100%. And as I changed, things DID change so I took that as confirmation that I had been the problem.

But even as I worked so hard to change, by God's grace and through His power, some things didn't change.

I would go through periods of deep depression out of frustration and despair because I just hadn't changed enough to fix all the problems. I questioned whether I had actually changed at all or if it was just my imagination or pride. And I began to question whether it was even possible for me to change. Like maybe I was just a Saul or Judas or Pharoah. And that led to a lot of questioning God and being angry. All of this even though I had clearly changed.

So last September I became desperate and reached out for help. I began counseling and going to Celebrate Recovery and working the steps and principles. And I've spent the last 8 months coming to the realization that everything is NOT my fault.

While my actions have and do affect others, I am not 100% responsible for the problems in the world. Or even MY world. If it can't be fixed by ME changing--it probably isn't and never was my fault.

I have to own my own actions but no amount of fixing ME is going to fix someone else. And fixing them isn't my responsibility or even within my realm of control.

In some ways this is a huge load off. Not having to take responsibility for other peoples actions and feelings is a weight lifted from my shoulders.

But it also means that I can't fix all the problems in my life. God can fix me if I'm willing to surrender but no amount of surrendering on my part will fix anyone else. I have to just pray and trust God with other people.

So when something happens or someone lets me know that there's a problem, I can assess the situation, own my part, ask for forgiveness if necessary and not take responsibility that isn't mine to take. Because taking other peoples responsibility robs them of the opportunity to grow.

Yes, my actions can trigger someone to sin. And I am responsible for not provoking my brothers and sisters to stumble and I should avoid it at all costs.

Yes, other peoples actions can trigger me. I am responsible for setting boundaries for myself and communicating them to protect myself from sinning (that seems to be what Jesus is talking about when He says, if your right hand offends you, cut it off). It is also my responsibility to NOT sin even when provoked. I fail on that account.

The thing is, knowing that my words and actions are about me, and only me, has set me free. Because the same thing applies to other people. Other peoples words and actions are about them. Not me. "Hurting people hurt people and free people free people".

So what does this look like in my life?

1. My depression is almost non existent.

2. My relationship with Michael is much more peaceful.

3. I'm a better mom. I didn't even realize how much all of that responsibility affected me as a mother. Yelling has reduced to...well...it's a rare occurrence.

4. I can trust the wisdom that God provides and I can tell myself the truth based on that. So I can take responsibility for my actions when needed and feel confident when things truly aren't my fault.

When I started this process, I thought I would be fixed at the end of my step study. I'm not. But I have learned a ton and I am equipped for growth.

I am thankful and I am ready to continue the journey.

The Best Cure for Writers Block

At some point in my school career one or more of my teachers addressed the issue of "writers block". They advised us to sit down and just start writing something. Anything. Just write whatever popped into our heads--no matter how silly--and eventually we would be able to write for our assignment.

I still take that advice.

Which is why I just wrote out the lyrics of What's New, Pussycat?

Yes. Yes I did.

Annnyyywayyy.

For a long time I have felt a strong desire to deal with the sin in my life. Beyond just willing myself to stop doing it and failing over and over again. Somethings I had kind of learned my lesson on and stopped on my own--like lying, being passive aggressive and gossiping. But I still needed growth.

I was struggling in a lot of other areas and didn't know how to get to the root and actually deal with them. Most people don't talk a lot about their stuff. I really tried to but people just didn't seem to know either.

I prayed about his a lot.

Well, back in September, one day I just got an overwhelming urge to go to Celebrate Recovery. I contacted a friend who could give me the scoop about times and stuff and decided to go that evening.

It was a little awkward at first. But I decided to trust that God would use it to work on me.

A few months later I began a step study, and our last meeting is this coming Monday.

The funny thing is, I went in knowing that I had a lot of struggles but over the coarse of the class the list of things has actually grown. Not because I've regressed but because I've learned that a lot of things that I thought were good and healthy, actually aren't.

I have learned so much and looking back, I see God's hand.

There are a lot of changes in my life since then.

I am learning to be a really safe person. It's instinctive at this point to NOT repeat things--even when the other person didn't ask me to keep what they said in confidence.

I am learning to deal with conflict in a healthy way--without being passive or ignoring the problem.

I am learning to process my feelings so that I don't act in character defects and sin.

I am learning to walk in the spirit instead of my flesh.

I am ultimately learning to have a deeper relationship with God. To be dependent on Him instead of codependent on others. To rely on Him to fill my needs and not other people or things. To place my self worth in Him and let Him define me and not my works or other peoples opinions. To believe and listen to His truth instead of Satan's lies.

I am so thankful for the people that God has brought into my life to lead me into a deeper relationship with God and make me more like Christ!

Blessed are the Codependent People?

I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't afraid of people.

As a result, I learned at a young age to be acutely aware of other people and their words, facial expression, moods and body language. I am especially sensitive to the slightest changes in all of them.

I probably would have made a good spy.

It is uncanny how unconsciously observant I am.

This ability comes in handy sometimes, but it also presents a problem for me, because I allow the information I gather to hold me hostage. I put too much weight on the feelings of other people and allow them to affect my actions and feelings to an unhealthy degree. In the name of peacekeeping I have let things go that should have been addressed. I'm afraid of how others will respond. I have allowed the elephant in the room that's suffocating us all to just keep depriving the relationship of oxygen.

God has been working on me though.  Because this life isn't about pleasing people or making them like me. It's about dying to myself (and my codependent, people pleasing ways) and laying my life down as a living sacrifice. And that might involve people judging me and thinking negatively about me even when I am in the center of God's will.

My friend Carrie recently pointed out to me that Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemakers" not blessed are the codependent people or the passive people. Peace very often comes as the result of some sort of confrontation. This doesn't mean that I should confront everyone I know about everything I disagree with them over. It means the relational issues, the things that damage the relationship. Not everything I disagree with someone over should damage the relationship.

I'm definitely not cured. I haven't yet been able to confront anyone other than my husband, but there's progress. I'm finding myself less affected by others opinions of me. Twice recently I've overheard someone talking about me in a  not so nice way and it barely even registered on my radar. Previously I would have been angry and retaliated in some way. But I didn't!!! Praise God!

I am so thankful for a kind and loving God who fills me with His Spriit, covers me with the blood of His Son and loves me inspite of my flaws!

Truth and Lies

Since working through my Celebrate Recovery step study I've come to realize that all of my character defects are based on lies I've believed. Some lies are things people have told me with their actions or words, and some are lies I've "learned" from my life experiences. It doesn't matter where or who they come from...lies are lies. They all have the same father.

Lies are sometimes difficult to discern. Especially when there seems inerrant proof. And even more when I am the teller of them.

I'm not likable.
I'm not good enough.
I can't.
I'm garbage.
I'm unloved.
I'm ugly.
I have horrific faults, so I am unusable by God.


The thing is, belief is a choice. It's the context into which I receive information. I could find "proof" of just about anything. People have been convicted of crimes based on a lot of evidence and then proven innocent on one piece of evidence alone that completely changes the context of all the other evidence.

Evidence matters. But the context matters as much.

My belief that God exists, that He is good and that I and others matter to Him should be the frame of context of any evidence I receive or give about myself and about others.

I also believe that God is Truth. He tells the truth. Always. So anything I think or tell myself about myself or about others should be measured against what HE says and accepted or rejected on that basis.

So how do I know the above things are indeed lies? Because I've measured them against what God says is true.

I'm not likable/I'm unloved. People not liking me does not mean I'm not likable. I'm seeking the approval of God, not men (Galatians 1:10). He loves me, whether or not anyone on this earth does (Psalm 103, Psalm 17).

I'm not good enough/I'm garbage/I have horrific faults, so I am unusable by God...I don't have to be "good enough"...because Jesus died for me while I was still a sinner (Romans 5-8). There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And guess what?! I'm in Christ Jesus. So guess what?! No condemnation!!!!!! Wooohooooooo! And almost all of the people God used in the Old Testament were people who had major flaws. With God all things are possible.

I can't...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I'm ugly...It doesn't matter whether I'm ugly or not. God doesn't look at the outward man. And favor is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord should be praised. (1 Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 31:30)

The truth really does set me free. But I need to continually fill up with truth so the lies are easily recognized and refuted and I don't respond in whatever character defect is triggered by them.

Broken Together

So, two people meet.  They "fall in love".  Then they encounter some type of obstacle and they almost don't make it...but they do and they live happily ever after.

So, I used to think that the Hollywood version of love couldn't be farther from the truth, but these days I think it's actually fairly accurate. Sort of.

In real life we meet, we're attracted to one another, we spend time together and decide to get married.  Then we encounter some type of obstacle and we wonder if we're going to make it. We either do or we don't but if we do, we're deeper in love.  And then it all starts again.

It's like an onion. (Donkey was onto something!) Onions are stinky. But to get to and deal with the stinky part that's actually offending my eyes and nose, I have to peel the layers off. Start with the skin.  It doesn't make a ton of difference but it's progress.  Progress is great and feels amazing but I get through one layer and revel in the awesomeness just as I realize there's another layer.

And sometimes it takes lots of peeling and lots of work to actually get to the core...to the source of the stink. And with every layer that gets peeled off the eyes burn more and the stink gets worse.

Yes, we could have been happy just leaving the onion whole or with any level along the way. But that would mean being okay with our individual sin...rejecting Jesus and His work in our lives.

And yes, this is hard. I have wondered so many times if we were going to make it.  There were times when I honestly thought I was going to break. Somehow I always find the strength to keep holding on and we eventually get to the other side...another layer peeled off. It feels great and we revel in it and praise God for it.

And then we realize there's another layer. Thanks to God and the people and help He's brought into our lives I think we may have actually reached the core. Our sin and the roots of it.

So that's where we are. Layers peeled off down to the core and God is working to neutralize the stink so He can build us back up sans the offensive odor that had colored and completely devoured every layer of our lives.

So, it isn't the easy slippers-and-pipe life that I always thought it was.  I always thought that if you loved each other...there wouldn't ever be problems.

But we're broken people. So our marriage is broken too. We can love each other through the brokenness because God loved us through it first. We're broken together.