What We Taught Our Kids About Apologizing

We taught them to say, "will you forgive me?". Until we realized that asking to be forgiven creates an environment where the expected answer is 'yes'. If I'm not free to say no, yes means nothing. 

We came to the conclusion that putting pressure on a person we've already hurt was not the right way to apologize. 

I've come to understand that a believable and meaningful apology includes acknowledging the pain I've caused, and making a commitment to working on the issue so that it isn't repeated. Sometimes it is repeated, but I should be learning from each experience and closing the gap and the person I have hurt should be able to tell that.

As we learned to properly make amends ourselves, we taught our children to do the same. Here is what we taught our children about apologies:

We didn’t demand apologies from our children. Our goal was to instill a sense of responsibility, and a conscience about how to properly treat other people. We didn’t want lip service or a coerced apology that they resented giving. We wanted them to recognize that they had done something wrong/hurtful, and feel compelled to make amends for it. So we talked to them about what happened, shared our perspective and then sent them away to think, regulate their emotions and take action when they were ready to do it. They almost always made the apology without being told to do it. 

A true apology embodies responsibility and accountability. 

Responsibility bears the guilt of the actions without excuse and manipulation. It says, “I did this and I shouldn’t have. Instead, I should have done this other thing. My actions hurt you, and I’m sorry.” 

Accountability bears the weight of transparency, making amends and rebuilding trust. It does not require immediate trust. This looks like creating boundaries around the hurtful behavior so that it isn’t repeated, and seeking help to address the thoughts/feelings, etc that lead up to the hurtful behavior. 

The person I have hurt should not bear the responsibility of keeping me accountable. I should be seeking outside accountability as well. 

I should be taking the person I have hurt into consideration and asking what they need in order to begin to rebuild trust. 

Demanding trust before it is earned is manipulation, and giving trust before it is earned is denial. 

Apologies should be followed by changed behavior. Not all behaviors will be changed overnight, some may take time, but there should be evidence that I am working on it through doing the behavior less often, for less time or less intensity. 

A true apology also does not harm the person being apologized to. It isn’t always appropriate to reach out to a person I’ve hurt to apologize. Before I apologize, I should think about whether it is appropriate to do so. Is it appropriate for me to have contact with this person? 

I love the quote by Maya Angelou: do the best you can, until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” I’ve lived my life this way, and apologies are one thing that reflects this. As I’ve learned better, I’ve done better and taught my children to do the same. There have been many apologies and amends in my parenting journey, and I imagine there will be many more. 

Church Accountability

Contempt dripping from their words permeates my body through my ears and runs down my spine, making it difficult to sit still. The other sheep in The Flock injured and mistreated a sheep. When that sheep lost its ability to travel with the others, fell behind and was eaten by a wolf - those responsible for shepherding the flock led the rest of the sheep in mocking the wounded and left for dead sheep. 

I’m sure that sounds shocking, but it happens within churches sometimes. Members of the church harm another member, but instead of dealing with and disciplining the person who caused the harm, the person who was harmed is told to be quiet and “get over it”. 

Sometimes the person or persons who injure the other member apologize and the injured person is expected to immediately “drop it”. Instead of working with the person who committed the sin, thinking through what caused the behavior and what boundaries need to be put into place so it doesn’t happen again, it is all swept under a rug. When the injured person trips over all the junk under the rug, they are blamed. 

There comes a point when the rug, where it is all swept, is so full of junk that it is no longer viable to walk on. When the injured party decides to leave, the people in the church take no responsibility for the hazard the rug has become. 

People are responsible for their decisions, but when they are abused (sexually, emotionally, spiritually) within churches and people with the power to correct the problem don’t, it may create a situation where the victim has to choose between two true things. The Truth of how and where to worship and the Truth of how christians should treat people. 

If we won’t be introspective and consider our part in things, we are forcing people to make difficult decisions. 

If we won’t be introspective, consider our part in things and make amends, we are placing a stumbling block in the path of others. How can we have contempt for someone who trips over a stumbling block that we placed in their path?

Being “right" doesn't give anyone a pass to act wrongly. There is as much of a right way to treat people as there is a right way to do anything else. 

I wonder how many people who were "right" are going to have to give an account to Jesus for their actions when they were "right"?