Blessed are the Codependent People?

I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't afraid of people.

As a result, I learned at a young age to be acutely aware of other people and their words, facial expression, moods and body language. I am especially sensitive to the slightest changes in all of them.

I probably would have made a good spy.

It is uncanny how unconsciously observant I am.

This ability comes in handy sometimes, but it also presents a problem for me, because I allow the information I gather to hold me hostage. I put too much weight on the feelings of other people and allow them to affect my actions and feelings to an unhealthy degree. In the name of peacekeeping I have let things go that should have been addressed. I'm afraid of how others will respond. I have allowed the elephant in the room that's suffocating us all to just keep depriving the relationship of oxygen.

God has been working on me though.  Because this life isn't about pleasing people or making them like me. It's about dying to myself (and my codependent, people pleasing ways) and laying my life down as a living sacrifice. And that might involve people judging me and thinking negatively about me even when I am in the center of God's will.

My friend Carrie recently pointed out to me that Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemakers" not blessed are the codependent people or the passive people. Peace very often comes as the result of some sort of confrontation. This doesn't mean that I should confront everyone I know about everything I disagree with them over. It means the relational issues, the things that damage the relationship. Not everything I disagree with someone over should damage the relationship.

I'm definitely not cured. I haven't yet been able to confront anyone other than my husband, but there's progress. I'm finding myself less affected by others opinions of me. Twice recently I've overheard someone talking about me in a  not so nice way and it barely even registered on my radar. Previously I would have been angry and retaliated in some way. But I didn't!!! Praise God!

I am so thankful for a kind and loving God who fills me with His Spriit, covers me with the blood of His Son and loves me inspite of my flaws!

Truth and Lies

Since working through my Celebrate Recovery step study I've come to realize that all of my character defects are based on lies I've believed. Some lies are things people have told me with their actions or words, and some are lies I've "learned" from my life experiences. It doesn't matter where or who they come from...lies are lies. They all have the same father.

Lies are sometimes difficult to discern. Especially when there seems inerrant proof. And even more when I am the teller of them.

I'm not likable.
I'm not good enough.
I can't.
I'm garbage.
I'm unloved.
I'm ugly.
I have horrific faults, so I am unusable by God.


The thing is, belief is a choice. It's the context into which I receive information. I could find "proof" of just about anything. People have been convicted of crimes based on a lot of evidence and then proven innocent on one piece of evidence alone that completely changes the context of all the other evidence.

Evidence matters. But the context matters as much.

My belief that God exists, that He is good and that I and others matter to Him should be the frame of context of any evidence I receive or give about myself and about others.

I also believe that God is Truth. He tells the truth. Always. So anything I think or tell myself about myself or about others should be measured against what HE says and accepted or rejected on that basis.

So how do I know the above things are indeed lies? Because I've measured them against what God says is true.

I'm not likable/I'm unloved. People not liking me does not mean I'm not likable. I'm seeking the approval of God, not men (Galatians 1:10). He loves me, whether or not anyone on this earth does (Psalm 103, Psalm 17).

I'm not good enough/I'm garbage/I have horrific faults, so I am unusable by God...I don't have to be "good enough"...because Jesus died for me while I was still a sinner (Romans 5-8). There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And guess what?! I'm in Christ Jesus. So guess what?! No condemnation!!!!!! Wooohooooooo! And almost all of the people God used in the Old Testament were people who had major flaws. With God all things are possible.

I can't...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I'm ugly...It doesn't matter whether I'm ugly or not. God doesn't look at the outward man. And favor is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord should be praised. (1 Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 31:30)

The truth really does set me free. But I need to continually fill up with truth so the lies are easily recognized and refuted and I don't respond in whatever character defect is triggered by them.

The Practicalness of Humility

I used to have a sort of phobia of being wrong...of anyone (including myself) seeing my faults.  Even when I was wrong I would defend the behavior or belief...to myself and everyone else...as if I were completely right.  I was in complete and utter denial.

Looking back, I did some really stupid things based on my pride and desire to be right and feel superior.

Hiding was the name of my game. My faults were the herd of stampeding elephants in the room.

I can't say exactly WHEN God began working on this character flaw. I think it may have started when I realized, in my marriage, that if things were going to change, if we were going to get off the merri-go-round of unhappiness and unhealthy behavior and actually have a good marriage--or at least a bearable one-- someone was going to have to break the cycle...and it might as well be me.

I realized and slowly came to believe more and more that being the first to admit fault...and generally having an "I could be totally wrong" attitude... had zero negative repercussions and a million positive ones.

Here are a few...

1.) If I maintain a posture of humility, actually being wrong is not as big of a deal.  Falling from a height of 12 inches is way less painful than falling from 12 feet. And way less damage is done.

2.)  Pride basically holds me hostage to ignorance and stunted growth. If I already assume I know the answer and am right, it's virtually impossible to learn. And if I can't learn, I can't grow.

If a child insisted that baby jibberish was correct and refused to learn to speak and communicate properly...can you imagine all they would miss out on?  They could only communicate with the few people who take the time to learn their baby jibberish. They could never read the Bible or go to school or tell a joke or get a job. It would be utterly ridiculous. Baby jibberish is beautiful...from a baby. From a 30 year old? Not so much if that 30 year old is capable of learning to communicate properly.

3.) Even if I'm sure I'm right, it's still wise to operate from the standpoint that *I* could be the fool who thinks they're right...because I could be. THEN if it becomes clear that I'm right, it's easier for the other person to admit it. But if it becomes clear that I'm wrong, it will be easier to learn the lesson and move on with a smile.

4.) It's WAY more fun to be completely open to being wrong and to learning than having the anxiety of feeling the need to prove I'm right all the time. To walk into a situation willing to put myself "out there" to be corrected and taught is so freeing because no matter what, I come out better off.

5.) It also makes me much more approachable. It's like the idea that people are more comfortable in a home that isn't spotless because they aren't afraid they're going to mess it up. It's easier to approach someone that you know isn't judging you and won't talk down to you for having a different opinion or for not knowing something.

6.) Humility and approachableness is an act of service to others. Being willing to be taught and being open to being wrong allows others to see and learn with you even if they are afraid to put themselves "out there". And being approachable is important because we need each other...because iron sharpens iron...it doesn't sharpen itself...we need another piece of iron for that. We need community.

None of this means that I take every piece of advice or always do what other people think I should. We're about pleasing God, not men. I pray constantly for wisdom and discernment and God is faithful. Does that mean I ALWAYS make good and right decisions or always heed this advice? Absolutely not. I fall back into this behavior sometimes. It does mean that it's easier to get back up when I fall because I know that falling is always a possibility...so it's easier to recognize and admit...and rely on God's grace instead of my own ability to make right decisions all day every day.

God is good.

Broken Together

So, two people meet.  They "fall in love".  Then they encounter some type of obstacle and they almost don't make it...but they do and they live happily ever after.

So, I used to think that the Hollywood version of love couldn't be farther from the truth, but these days I think it's actually fairly accurate. Sort of.

In real life we meet, we're attracted to one another, we spend time together and decide to get married.  Then we encounter some type of obstacle and we wonder if we're going to make it. We either do or we don't but if we do, we're deeper in love.  And then it all starts again.

It's like an onion. (Donkey was onto something!) Onions are stinky. But to get to and deal with the stinky part that's actually offending my eyes and nose, I have to peel the layers off. Start with the skin.  It doesn't make a ton of difference but it's progress.  Progress is great and feels amazing but I get through one layer and revel in the awesomeness just as I realize there's another layer.

And sometimes it takes lots of peeling and lots of work to actually get to the core...to the source of the stink. And with every layer that gets peeled off the eyes burn more and the stink gets worse.

Yes, we could have been happy just leaving the onion whole or with any level along the way. But that would mean being okay with our individual sin...rejecting Jesus and His work in our lives.

And yes, this is hard. I have wondered so many times if we were going to make it.  There were times when I honestly thought I was going to break. Somehow I always find the strength to keep holding on and we eventually get to the other side...another layer peeled off. It feels great and we revel in it and praise God for it.

And then we realize there's another layer. Thanks to God and the people and help He's brought into our lives I think we may have actually reached the core. Our sin and the roots of it.

So that's where we are. Layers peeled off down to the core and God is working to neutralize the stink so He can build us back up sans the offensive odor that had colored and completely devoured every layer of our lives.

So, it isn't the easy slippers-and-pipe life that I always thought it was.  I always thought that if you loved each other...there wouldn't ever be problems.

But we're broken people. So our marriage is broken too. We can love each other through the brokenness because God loved us through it first. We're broken together.

Wild Indians and Sponges

Ever since our kids were small we've had a little devotional at the end of the day (um, we're inconsistent goons...so do not take this to mean every night). At first it mostly consisted of Michael and I thinking of songs to sing and then singing them and the kids would jump in where they could. Nowadays there's harmony. We can usually break out into 4 part harmony...and Michael gets an opportunity to sing bass.

Anyway, as they've gotten older we have included more Bible lessons and prayer as well.  And more recently we've started two new things, something we call "Mutual Edification" and a Share group night (inspired by and closely following Celebrate Recovery share groups).  The share group night just gives everyone the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings without interruption and without repercussions, and it also teaches them how to be safe people (people that can be trusted to not share each other's information and who can listen without fixing or judging and who can openly share their own issues based on that). Mutual Edification is when we go around the room and everyone either leads a song, says a prayer or reads a scripture.

I've noticed lately that when given the opportunity to pick a song, our kids aren't choosing the newer, catchy songs that have been typical in the past.  They are asking for the older hymn types of songs. It makes me smile because this has come about since they were exposed to the stories behind these songs a few months ago.

Back around the New Year, our family attended a church meeting where workshops were provided at the morning sessions, while traditional worship services were held in the evenings. Every morning I dragged my kids out of bed and we headed down to Irving Church of Christ to participate in the group worship time and the workshops following.

We went because I wanted to. I don't recall them expressing any negative feelings about it but they just never seemed particularly engaged during the big group worship time.  Anyway, every morning they played a video that dramatically told the story behind a super popular hymn. The ones that got led every service of my childhood. The ones I secretly groaned about...and that my kids NEVER requested to sing.

I remember one or two of them getting emotional during one of the stories but this apparently made a significant impression on them...and me. They hum these songs constantly and they get requested ALL THE TIME.

It makes me happy, but also a little bit more wary. Because if something can affect them that much without me even trying...I need to be more intentional with my time and activities and even when I think they aren't listening or don't care.

Because apparently these wild indians are little (or very large) sponges. :)

Who is Gonna Tell the Child?

Last night, for the first time, our family had the privilege of attending an Eagle Scout ceremony. 

Our oldest boys were asked to be a part of the ceremony.  They were put in charge of the ceremonial fire.  Fire.  In a public building full of people and expensive things. FIRE. :)

As a recovering helicopter parent I appreciate situations like this one because I almost always learn something from them.

I've read a lot of parenting books. But in recent years I think that God has really redefined my view of my job as a parent. I see my job as more of a guide. I give them a job, some instructions if/when necessary and then I step back to let them figure it out. It's my job to get them ready to fly off into the sunset without me.

Events like this one often teach me about an area where I haven't given them growing room. So I go away better prepared and more enlightened about what my kids are capable of.

Anyway, one of my favorite parts of the ceremony happened when the young man who had obtained Eagle Scout rank was given an opportunity to honor his mentors with a pin.  He gave out three. One to his second grade Sunday school teachers, one to an encouraging woman from his church and one to his grandfather. Even though I barely know this boy (I couldn't have even pointed him out in the Troop before this ceremony) I became emotional during this portion of the ceremony.

It just made me realize how important people are in my kids lives.  Sometimes I forget that. I love the ways that my boys Scout leaders have impacted their lives.  I'm sure there are others who would qualify as mentors for my kids but this is an area where I want to be more diligent in prayer. I need to pray for people who will take an interest in them and guide them in their walk with the Lord.  Not necessarily people who constantly correct them, but who lead by example.  People who inspire them to love Jesus and let His light shine in their lives.  And who will teach them things that they need and want to know.

During another part of the ceremony the Eagle Scout was asked to take a challenge. I can't remember the details but he was basically "challenged" to live well.  And at the end of his little speech he asked the audience to take a challenge too.  He asked that everyone there correct him when he's wrong, help him when he needs help and...I can't remember the last thing...but he asked everyone who would accept that challenge to respond with an "I do". Everyone did. I just thought about how amazing it would be if we all did this for one another. If we all worked on ourselves (actually, let God work on us) to the point that we could turn our focus from our own sin to helping the next generation deal with theirs. If we took the time to teach them what they need to know...even if they aren't our nephew or niece or grand child or any blood relation at all.

I came away from this ceremony with so many good things. It fed my soul. It's probably a little silly, but I was uplifted as a person and inspired as a mom.

We all need mentors.  My kids need mentors other than me and their dad. And I pray that God will send people to fill those roles, and I am super thankful for the ones he's already sent!

The Captain of an Anchored Vessel

Recently God's been taking me through a rigorous process of transformation.  I was already in awe of the work He had done in me and then I realized that the things He'd already healed were just flesh wounds.  The ones he is healing now are the wounds that I washed and bandaged and didn't even know needed to be dealt with further. They are the ones festering and infected that are infecting all the areas around them.

I'm learning a lot. I've been able to pinpoint a lot of the lies that I've believed...about myself, about others and about God.  I'm sure that there are still others that I've yet to discover. 

I can't even tell you how awesome it is to be able to openly admit and receive help to deal with and stop my sin. 

One of my most prominent defects of character is gluttony.

I comfort myself with food.

I binge eat.

I have 30 more character defects though and in dealing with those I've become very passive about this one. I've sort of been waiting on God to make a move FOR me.  I had kind of decided that maybe God wants me to be fat...maybe there's some larger purpose. Like being obese is some ailment that just happened to me.

YES! God gives me the power, but He's not going to turn me into a robot because I claim to be surrendering to His will. The Captain of a ship directs the ship, but if the anchor is down, no matter where the ship is directed...IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Truly surrendering to His will is letting Him lead. Follow the leader only works if the participants FOLLOW THE LEADER. They can want to follow, they can say they follow, they can follow in their head...but unless they actually physically follow...the game doesn't work.

It is NOT His will for me to sin and abuse my body.

My body is the temple of the Lord...and I'm keeping it in such ill repair that I can't, and in some cases simply won't, live for Him in my full capacity.

That is NOT His will. 

Yes. He loves me. Jesus blood covers me...every last fat roll. 

Gluttony is sin. And sin is never His will. God's will for me is to bring Him glory. And I can't be passive about that.

I'm not going to make any grand declarations about what I am or am not going to do.  All I'm saying is it's time to pull up the anchor and let my ship go where the Captain leads it.

Imagination Station

I really enjoy history. I especially enjoy well done movies about historical people and events. To be honest, it's not all about the facts.  I love the costumes, hair and make up as much as I enjoy the story.

I love historical movies because I really love gaining perspective into the timeline, the decision making process and the struggle that went into implementing whatever decision was made.  I enjoy learning WHY people acted the way they did and how they felt about making the particular decision they made. No matter what my previous thoughts were, I invariably end up gaining compassion for them...even if I completely disagreed with their decision.

The movie Lincoln is one of my favorites.  Going into the movie I had a cautious admiration of the man.  My husband grew up in Alabama and his education regarding Abraham Lincoln was vastly different than my own...so I had long since given up my hero worship.

It's hard for me to identify with someone like Abraham Lincoln, which makes it easy to judge him harshly.  I grew up in a culture where Honest Abe was practically a Saint.  But he wasn't.  He was a human being who agonized over his decisions...who operated in character defects that he developed as a result of his life experiences and who sometimes made questionable, or downright wrong, decisions. He wasn't sure of himself.  He had regrets. He was admittedly a fallible human being who had human being feelings, emotions and thoughts.  In many ways he was like me and I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn that.  It gives me a broader scope of imagination to draw from in dealing with people in my life.  It makes me better able and more inclined to empathize with the people that I "do life" with.

It's extremely easy to judge people for/by their decisions and make assumptions about what their intentions were and what they meant by them.  I can struggle and agonize over having to make a decision, only to judge someone else's decision as though they easily arrived at theirs because they are a jerk or are insincere.

The thing is we're all just people. I make wrong decisions sometimes, based on whatever character defect I'm operating in...everyone does...it's what we do. So if I know the sting of realizing I took the wrong path and having to face the consequences...why am I so hard on others when they do? I shouldn't be. And just because I disagree with someone else's decision doesn't mean it's wrong anyway.

God has blessed me with an amazing imagination, and by extension...the gift of empathy. I'm thankful for this gift and I intend to take the time to imagine what people are feeling and going through, and fully humanize them in my mind...so compassion for them can guide my treatment of them.

:)

The Little Engine that Could...Because God Was Working Through Her

I began reading the entire Bible through on a yearly basis when I was around eight. My dad bought our entire family chronological daily reading Bibles and at some point during the day we would all read silently to ourselves or take turns reading aloud.

I enjoy reading my Bible. Reading the Bible is always a good thing, but for a large part of the time I was speed reading the word of God so I could check it off my list (and more recently so my Bible app would stop sending me notifications that I had not completed my reading). Pretty inane, huh?! So a couple of January's ago I made a conscious decision to NOT begin reading my Bible through. Instead, I determined to read verses and chapters and books whenever I took a fancy, while committing to read SOMETHING every day. (Okay, so here's where it gets real...I missed days. I might have even missed weeks occasionally. Make no mistake...I'm not a miss goody two shoes who never misses a day reading my Bible...it happens)

A few months ago I really began to realize how incomplete my knowledge of God had been.  Even though I had read my bible for a long time, I read it in a very self centered, desperate-and-afraid-of-going-to-hell sort of way. I read my Bible to figure out how to NOT go to Hell. I didn't see God as the Lover of my soul, I saw Him as the condemner of it.

In coming to this realization, I longed to know Him as He wants to be known.  I wanted (and still do) to know what He wants me to know about Him and about life. So I started reading from the beginning, with the intention of learning as much as I can about who God is and how He relates to man...and to me.

I'm kind of amazed at just how much my reading has changed as a result of this perspective change. So many different things have popped out at me. I've learned so much and I'm still in Genesis.

This morning I read about Joseph and his dream interpreting experiences. My imagination is going wiiiiild. I'm imagining being called before a Pharaoh for ANY reason at all but especially being called by an agitated, frustrated and sleep deprived Pharaoh who holds my life in his hands and who expects me to tell him the meaning of his dreams.

Okay folks, here's the deal. Being asked for even the smallest piece of advice makes my palms sweaty and my heart race. Being asked to perform a task makes my stomach burn with anxiety...wondering if I can pull it off without making some terrible and irreversible mistake. So Joseph's response is mind blowing to me, especially considering his life experience up to this point, which you can read beginning in Genesis 37.

"Joseph answered Pharaoh, "It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer."

He's standing before PHARAOH. And he's not panicking. I would be panicking. He has total faith that God is going to work through him--and God does! The dreams are interpreted, a system is set in place for preserving and supplying food to the people during the famine.  Thousands of lives are saved.  If I had been in Joseph's shoes, the Butler and Baker would have never seen their fates coming and Pharaoh and the entire population of that part of the world would have been unprepared for the famine and died of starvation. I never would have attempted to help any of them. It would have never even occurred to me that I COULD help...and if it did occur to me that thought would have been quickly squelched by "who are YOU? How could YOU of ALL PEOPLE make any difference?" and I would have sat down and just shut up and starved to death with everyone else.

The truth is, I can't help. Not really. And neither could Joseph on his own. God can. And by trusting Him and submitting to Him, His work can and will be accomplished, even through me.  And the wonder is even greater...because I know who I am and just how impossible it is for me to accomplish any real good on my own.

I will probably never be called to interpret the dreams of a king or save thousands of people from starvation, but if I am...God can.

I can live with confidence...just like Joseph.  Not in MY power...but in His. I can believe that I am who God says I am, because HE IS TRUTH. If He says it, it's true. I can prayerfully and hopefully ask for wisdom and humbly relay that wisdom when asked for advice. And I can confidently perform tasks knowing that God is the One working in me to accomplish it.

It's not about ME or what I can do. "With man things are impossible but with God all things are possible". It's about God and His glory and Him taking a mess like me and transforming me into the image of His dear Son.

And all I have to do is submit. Stop trying to do it on my own. Take a break. Rest. It's so contrary to our human perspective, isn't it?

References:

2 Corinthians 1:8-11
Philippians 2:13
Genesis 40,41
Philippians 4:13
Matthew 11:29,30
James 1:5
Matthew 19:26