An Open Door

Twice every week I hit the publish button on this blog. Rain or shine, good times or bad, feast or famine.

Most of the time I do it reluctantly. "Why would anyone read this?" "There are a million people who could write it better." "I should just go hunt down an article about whatever I've written about and share that." 

But I hit the button anyway because I trust my God. And I want Him to have what He's blessed me with for His own glory. When He comes to see what I've done with what He's given me I want Him to know that I DIDN'T bury my one talent. I want to give it my all so that it will grow and give Him even more glory. Not because He needs it but because He deserves it and I want to give Him all I can.

Lately I've been feeling frustrated. I know I need to improve my writing and I know that to some extent just writing regularly will do that. But I want to learn, I want to soak in knowledge. I want to be taught. I want my offering to God to grow. I want to give Him the best that I can possibly muster. 

I also don't want to get ahead of God. I want to receive HIS blessings in HIS timing. I want it to be all for His glory and not my own. 

Sometimes I'm tempted to do that. Sometimes I am like Sarah and I don't see God working and I decide to figure it out myself and implement my own plan...only to realize that my plan has nothing to do with God's and it was all a terrible idea anyway. 

So I've been writing and publishing faithfully for the last 4 months with my eyes and ears open. Watching like a hawk for a sign from God. Not seeking anything out, just watching so I'd be ready if God presented a door for me to walk through. 

And a friend told me about Compel. It's basically exactly what I've been looking for. For a monthly fee I can become a member and receive assignments and feedback and training and teaching and...oh so much! I just can't believe how exactly what I've been looking for it is!!!

I think I may have found the door. 

The prospect of getting to really work on my writing skills in a way that works for my family is super exciting! I know that God will provide if this is truly His plan for me.

It's really hard to wait sometimes. Sometimes I really want to go out and seek out what I'm looking for and force something to happen, but I'm so glad every time I DON'T do that.

God really is good. His gifts and His timing are so worth the wait!!!

A New Deuteronomy

It is amazing how quickly I can get off track. How quickly I can forget my purpose.

Like with this blog. A little over two months ago I made a commitment to myself to write something every day and to post something to this blog two days a week.

I didn't care a whole lot if I got any page views. Because this is not about that.

But I fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted and approved of and I compare myself to other people. And I start questioning myself. Maybe people are just being nice. If I were really a good writer wouldn't....fill in the blank...happen?

What it really comes down to is writing, with whatever level of talent God has given me, is what God has given me. I'm a writer and I think that God wants me to use that to tell the story of what He's done for me and what He's still doing and what He's teaching me.

But like the one talent man in the story of the talents, sometimes I lose my nerve. I question and I am tempted to just bury it. Because someone else can do it better. What can I possibly contribute to the world with my small and limited talent?

The thing that I seem to keep forgetting is that this isn't about me. It isn't about who approves of me or who accepts me or who I compare to. It. Isn't. About. Me.

So I'm having my own little Deuteronomy moment. I'm taking a moment to remember and tell myself the story of the Gospel and how that precious story has changed my life.

I'm refocusing. And I'm returning

My purpose is to bring glory to God. To let His light shine through me. To tell the story of His amazing grace in my life.

What He does with that is His business.

Motivation to Keep Going Even When it Hurts

A few years ago, during my weightloss saga, I was very motivated to reach a certain goal. For weeks I had been inching closer and closer to it but not quite reaching it. So I decided that "desperate times call for desperate measures" and I stuck 40 pounds in a backpack and started out on the 6 mile walk home from church.

Even as I started out the weight felt heavy but I was pretty determined so I set out anyway.

For the first 3 miles or so I was able to distract myself from the heaviness. I focused on the sermon (on Romans 8) that was playing in my ear.

As I made my trek my shoulders hurt, so I would stop, set the backpack down for about 30 seconds and then return it and continue on my way.

Each time I sat it down though, it became harder to pick it back up. The shoulder straps on the backpack--that was made so sturdy that they were willing to give us a lifetime guarantee--began to tear.

The weight on my shoulders made it difficult to even remain upright...putting one foot in front of the other required a concentrated effort.

I just kept thinking of what it would feel like to reach my goal. And so I kept going.

I stopped taking breaks because it required too much energy to lift the backpack off my shoulders and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it back onto my shoulders once it was off. The backpack kept hitting me in the lower back and it got painful enough that I put my hands there to keep it from happening.

I was miserable. But I kept going...

...until I made it to the 5 mile mark. I walked to a safe spot to wait, I took the backpack off of my shoulders and I called Michael and asked him to pick me up.

I had rub burns and bruises on both my shoulders and a deep bruise on my lower back where the backpack had hit me.

Even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I felt good about it.

Setting goals is powerful. Setting a specific goal kept me going long after I would have stopped if I didn't have one. I endured way more pain than I would have tolerated if I didn't have my goal to focus my mind on.

I love setting goals but I think that breaking them down into smaller daily or weekly ones is important. The smaller goals work toward the bigger ones and the victories from the smaller ones keep me motivated to keep going until I reach the bigger one. My mind being focused on what I can do TODAY keeps me from getting bogged down in how far I still have to go.

The cool thing is, even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I reached and even surpassed the goal I had set. So I chalk that up as a win. :)

How I Became a Rock Star...for about 30 profound seconds

A few years ago I ran a series of 5ks. During one particular race, after all of us runners had been dispatched to the starting line, the event coordinators gathered the spectators (mostly friends and loved ones of runners) around a bend in the course and instructed them to cheer as we passed through. 

We had no idea (or maybe I was the only one who didn't know) until we turned the corner. Turning that corner felt like the oxygen in the air turned to pure love that sat on my skin, permeated my crevices and intoxicated me. The closest thing to Heaven on Earth that I've experienced.

As I ran through the throng of people clapping and cheering me on, David Crowder sang How He Loves Us in my ear. 

I love Hebrews 12. I love that the writer spent the eleventh chapter reminding his/her readers of all the deeply flawed people who lived out their faith and accomplished God's will despite their sins and struggles. And then he/she says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so easily, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Every time I read those verses, I think of that race. I think of all the preparation I did. I think of how sweaty I was and how labored my breathing was. And I think about how beneficial it was for me and how glad I am that I did it.

As I run my spiritual race, I find myself holding onto "weights" and "sins". They are heavy and they really do hold me back while I'm running. So I'm in the process of shedding them. And while I am less encumbered in a lot of ways, in some ways I haven't made the progress that I would like.

So whenever I feel discouraged I read Hebrews 12 and I think of Samson, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, my Grandma Permenter and Jesus himself standing on the sidelines cheering me on as I run my spiritual race. I imagine turning that corner and seeing all of their faces...having been exactly where I am...and hearing them call out my name, raise their hands to high-five me and encourage me to keep on keeping on. My eyes refocus on Jesus and it's like a breath of fresh air, a burst of energy. I correct my running form and pick up the pace.

A Mother's Day Tale :)

I was born in a little "Indian" clinic in Cuba, New Mexico--a little town about 80 miles northwest of Albuquerque. We didn't actually live in Cuba. In fact, we didn't live in any town at all. We lived in the (literal) middle of nowhere...they hadn't even run electric or telephone lines and we didn't have indoor plumbing. My parents moved there to do mission work.

My favorite picture of my mom (which has mysteriously disappeared) is one of her standing over a washboard scrubbing clothes...because in 1982 they didn't have electricity and thus no washing machine. They had put the washboard on the tailgate of a pick up truck so she wouldn't have to bend over her swollen belly. The best part of the picture? The enormous smile on her face.

You would have thought that a pregnant woman, living in the middle of nowhere, who didn't have the most basic luxuries (like using an indoor bathroom instead of an outhouse) that all of her friends had  would not have many reasons to smile. But she did. Because what we have and where we live does not determine who we are or our level of contentment. It's a heart issue.

What I do with what I have won't change when I have more. It's a heart issue. If I can't be happy living in the middle of nowhere, with no electricity and no indoor plumbing then I won't be happy with a mansion on a hill and a flushing toilet. It's a heart issue.

Sometimes I moan and bellyache because life isn't easy or because other people's lives seem easier than mine. But you know what? It's the hard moments, the crunch times, the days where I just don't understand how I'm gonna make it through that change me the most. Those are the days I'm the most happy and thankful for in the end.

I can say yes to God with what I already have and then approach the situation with a sense of adventure and watch as God blesses me with creativity and a learning experience...setting me up to be better prepared in the future...OR I can dig my heels in and resist every inch of the way and be just as overwhelmed the next time.

Tough decision?! It shouldn't be, but it is for me. Because it really is a heart issue. One that I'm praying for and submitting to God to change.

God is good!!

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

♫♪I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like♫♪

So to save us some dough...I've been riding my bike around town to perform various errands and tasks that can be done within a reasonable distance.

For most of my errands I have two route options. The first contains a fairly steep hill. The second is completely flat but out of the way. 

So typically I talk myself into taking the hill route. I think about the extra effort I'll have to put into biking up the hill and the extra calories I can burn in the process. 

So as I bike on my merry little way, I anticipate the hill. I pedal faster and get a good pace going so that when I hit the hill I'll have a good head start so the hill won't be so much work.

But the thing is, no matter how fast I pedal in anticipation of the hill, about halfway up the hill it gets hard. Every revolution of my tires is a chore. The muscles in my legs start burning like crazy and it takes all of my focus to gain even an inch of ground.

It's at this point that I start thinking about how I should have taken the longer, but much flatter route. It hurts. It's painful and I don't like it. In that moment I couldn't possibly care less about how many calories I'm burning or the benefits to my body. All I know is that it hurts, and I don't like it.

And then I reach the top. I reach the top and head down the other side. 

The pain is gone, the wind in my hair, my heart soars and I imagine that I'm flying.

And you know what? When I'm flying down that hill I am thankful that I didn't take the flatter route. And that moment of thankfulness and the utter bliss I feel in that moment informs my decision the next time I have to decide which route to take.

In life, we have choices. We can take the flat, apathetic route that takes little to no gumption to get through...or we can take a chance on the hard route that will provoke growth. 

But the thing is, no matter how much we prepare for the difficult moments, sometimes things just get hard. They get hard and we just have to keep pedaling. It hurts and it's not pleasant, but we keep going. 

And eventually we get to the top. 

Are you facing an uphill battle? Are things tough for you right now? Is it all you can do to get out of bed in the morning? 

Don't give up! You're almost to the top! Just keep pedaling! You can do it!

Let me know if there's something I can do to encourage you! Or pray for you about!

Who Am I?

When I first began losing weight, I didn't know anyone who had lost the amount of weight I needed to lose, and kept it off.  I scoured the internet and searched Weight Watchers success stories and very few people had lost the amount of weight I needed to lose successfully, and even fewer had kept it off. Even some of the people who won The Biggest Loser had gained all of their weight back!


It seemed impossible that I could be the one.  I mean, if all of these wonderful people hadn't done it, who did I think I was even TRYING to do it?!

So I approached it all with a wary eye. I told myself that I didn't know how far I would make it, but that I was too desperate not to try.

So I took it one day at a time, and the weight began to come off.

Today, I'm down 145 pounds and I have 30 more pounds to go.

After two years and a seven month plateau...I still don't know how far I'm going to make it.

What I do know is that I can "run" a whole lot better without these weights holding me back while I'm running. I know that God loves me and that He is my Savior and the real champion in all of this. I know that I felt hopeless...I WAS hopeless but God took this hopeless girl and turned it all around. And as miserable as I was, He chose just the right moment...anytime before that and I may have mistaken HIS power for my own.

And that, my friends, would have been tragic.

God is so good.

What are you facing that seems hopeless? What are you afraid to try?  And what can I do to encourage you?

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man...and Chocolate Cake

I ran for the first time in a while today. Honestly, I'm not even sure when the last time I ran was. I think it may have been sometime in February.

I'm not saying I've been sedentary...I've done a lot of bike riding and walking...I just haven't ran.

But today I NEEDED to run.

I was having a moment. Actually, I was having several moments right after I ate a large piece of chocolate cake. I was having a moment where I couldn't see the victory at the end of the struggle...where that big ol' piece of cake was kicking my "can-do-attitude" in the boo-tay.

So I put my running clothes on and headed out the door.

The thing is, running is against my nature. It requires a level of faithfulness that I find difficult, sometimes, to muster. It means bounding from one foot to the other...repeatedly...for long periods of time. Which, for an overweight female, can be kind of painful.

But sometimes it's necessary to do hard things, because it's the hard things that change us the most. It's the hard things that show us who we really are, and who God is. Running clears my head...and I typically spend most of the time either praying or mouthing the words to praise songs...both of which do wonders for my soul.

Well today, my run reminded me that God loves me, that He's on my side and that He's bigger than that GINORMOUS piece of chocolate cake!

It was a good run...and I'm excited to head out again tomorrow!

God is so good to me!

Guess what? (NOT Chicken Butt)

Guess what?! I'm pretty sure I never in a million years would have ever thought I would say this.

And I'm pretty sure that the people who know me best would agree.

I love running.

There. I said it. I love running!

I actually look forward to it and miss it when I don't have time to leave the house to do it.

Yeah, yeah, it hurts. And sometimes I want to stop in the middle. The awesome thing about that is...if I can get through those little rough patches...and get to the end of my predetermined running time...I end up thinking "hey, I feel like running a little further". And I do. And then I think "hey...I'm almost done, why not just run a little further?!" And I do. And I cross that finish line thinking...wow! I did that! That's amazing! And I can do it again tomorrow.

And I actually look forward to doing it tomorrow!

But tomorrow, I will not take a nap and I will go at my regular time when the delta breeze has had 12 hours to create the perfect running temperature...just for me!

Me? A Runner?

Today I signed up for what will be my 3rd 5k.

When I signed up I had two choices...I could go for the untimed noncompetitive 5k and do a walk/run combo or I could sign up for the timed 5k run.

The rules are very clear.

If you sign up for the competitive/timed run...there is no stopping to walk.

So, which one do you think I signed up for? The reasonable one? The one that most fits my fitness level? The one where I CAN WALK IF I NEED TO?!

No, no I did not.

Am I nuts?! Probably.

The thing is, I don't consider myself a runner. And I will admit that, in my 2 event 5k history, I haven't trained at all.

Well, I'll tell ya what. Today I started training. Because I'm scared.

So, I'm sure you're asking yourself...if I know this is nuts, why did I do it?

I'll tell you why I did it.

I did it because I know that I have absolutely no chance at being the best or winning. In fact, I'm probably going to come in last. And because I need to learn to be okay with that.

I stop myself from doing things I want and need to do because I'm not as good as another person who does it.

I need to beat my mind and body into submission so that I don't stop working/serving/loving because I don't do it as well as somebody else. I need to learn that it's still worth the effort.

I'm going to train and prepare my mind and body for this race.  And I'm going to give it my best shot. Whatever the end result of that is, I'm willing to accept it.

Loser or Not?

I haven't been being as open about my weightloss/or lack thereof lately. I'm not sure what that means.

I do have my reasons.

Out of the past 5 weigh-ins I've gained 3 times. I was not emotionally ready to share that information. Because while most people mean well and are encouraging...there are the people who think I've gone back to my old habits and lecture me about what I'm doing wrong. And when you're working hard it's difficult to have someone tell you that you're doing it all wrong...especially when they don't know what you're doing at all.

Last weeks gain, I'm pretty sure, was the result of a heavy workout schedule. I hadn't worked out like that in a couple of months and restarting always makes me gain.

But, I have to admit, these past two weeks have been challenging for me. Trying to figure out what's going on and rededicating to everything and assessing to find areas where I need improvement.

Today and last week are the first time in the past 13 months where I've been tempted to not weigh-in. I did weigh-in last week and I will weigh-in today.


I am scared today. I'm afraid of the emotions I'll feel if there's another gain. Afraid that I AM going to fall off the wagon and just go back to my old habits. Afraid that I'm going to be stuck here and give up and not lose anymore or get to my goal weight.

Because I have to admit...I'm shocked that I've made it this far. I honestly don't think that I thought I ever would. I think I thought that I'd be fat for the rest of my life.

It's scary. I'm scared. I know that a gain would just provide me with an opportunity to grow...and I want to grow.

So if God has a gain for me today...then I'm (trying to be) okay with that. I want what He wants for me.

I just hope he wants me to lose! and not gain!