Cultivating the Older Woman/Younger Woman Relationship: A First Step

They lament the state of current music.

It happens in every generation. Older people rag on current music and extol the virtues of the music from their day. People my age are doing it currently. This has been happening since the beginning of time ad nauseam. I think this is a manifestation of the cycle of dysfunction between generations, and we miss opportunities to connect and collaborate when we participate in it.

While older generations are scoffing at and belittling younger generations, the younger generation is dealing with the mistakes that have been handed down by the older generation. The people in the older generation endlessly talk about how things were better in their day, while the younger people are living through the fallout of the older generations' flaws creating a toxic environment of pride and dismissal. 

Each new generation sees the flaws and mistakes of the ones before it and thinks they need to take over so they can save the world from the ills of the older generation. We reject elders and their advice because we see it as flawed and irrelevant.

However, eventually, the new generation becomes the elders. The old, new generation worked hard to do things differently than their parents, and to make changes. But guess what?! The world is still flawed and the new, new generation sees those flaws, blames the previous generations, and vows to do things differently. They reject the old, new generation as their elders seeing them as flawed and irrelevant. They think they've figured it out and that they need to take over so they can save the world from the ills of our generation....and on and on and on. 

It is an endless cycle of pride, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and a whole lot of not listening. And it is perpetuated by all sides.

One of our family's favorite things to do is create Spotify playlists for road trips. We give them fun names and everyone in our family contributes to them. We listen to every song and don't complain about someone else's choice. We practice listening simply because someone we love enjoys that song . . . so we give it a real chance to become a song we enjoy too. Even if it never makes it onto a list of my favorites, I get to spend a few minutes looking into the soul of one of my family members and it provides an opportunity to show them how much I value them. And you know what? I've heard some amazing music that is now on my favorites list.  

I've learned that music that doesn't sound the same as it did in "my day" can be good too. And not all the music from "my day" was good anyway. The stuff that stands the test of time is good, but you know what?! There is a whole lot of music that gets forgotten about. 

There are both virtues and vices in all generations. Younger generations stand on the shoulders of older generations, and a lot of good is done with the ideas and energy of younger generations. But we get caught in this cycle and stop listening to each other and working together.

In my view, a first step to empowering older woman/younger woman relationships is acknowledging this cycle and intentionally stepping out of it. 

A Study of Older Woman and Younger Woman Relationships Part One

I asked her, "do you still use what you taught us?" 

I saw them for the first time in years, and felt compelled to compare notes about how our lives had shifted and evolved since our last meeting.

They had kids starting about 10 years older than ours. We had looked up to them as parents and participated in a parenting study group with them. Michael and I attempted to implement the things we learned but were met with criticism and gave up fairly early on, cherry picking a few things that we thought were important.

Her reply to my question was "no". They had stopped using their previous parenting philosophy, and no longer recommended the curriculum they had used. 

As I approach the launching of my youngest children into adulthood, I've spent a lot of time facing down the mother I have been. The ways I have failed. 

Learning the term "overstimulation" and understanding that I have ADHD along with some other struggles, has reframed how I look at myself as a mother. I still have the same regrets, and I would go back and do a million things differently . . . but they help me to extend grace to myself. Because being overwhelmed by shame would be an easy thing to do, 

Over the years, as I have found myself lonely and overwhelmed, I have pondered the state of 'older woman' and 'younger woman' relationships. I have sought these relationships my entire adult life, with varying levels of success and helpfulness.  

At times when I wasn't getting the help I needed, I turned to blogs and other online content for help and encouragement. Most of these were created by women about my age with children the same age or younger. 

Other than what diapers to use or what to expect in the birthing process, I have regretted a lot of the advice I have taken from women whose children were the same age as mine. 

The couple I referenced in the beginning of this post had eventually completely rejected the advice and philosophy they had once held up as the gold standard. It had not yielded the result that they hoped it would. 

Women in the same stage of life as I am can give support, and may have sound advice, but in my experience they don't have the benefit of being able to see where the decisions they have made have led them in the long term. I can't see the result of their advice and philosophy.

Over the next few days and weeks, I would like to explore the older woman/younger woman relationship dynamics and the barriers that I have experienced to these relationships. And what I can do to promote these relationships and empower them flourish.