I saw them for the first time in years, and felt compelled to compare notes about how our lives had shifted and evolved since our last meeting.
They had kids starting about 10 years older than ours. We had looked up to them as parents and participated in a parenting study group with them. Michael and I attempted to implement the things we learned but were met with criticism and gave up fairly early on, cherry picking a few things that we thought were important.
Her reply to my question was "no". They had stopped using their previous parenting philosophy, and no longer recommended the curriculum they had used.
As I approach the launching of my youngest children into adulthood, I've spent a lot of time facing down the mother I have been. The ways I have failed.
Learning the term "overstimulation" and understanding that I have ADHD along with some other struggles, has reframed how I look at myself as a mother. I still have the same regrets, and I would go back and do a million things differently . . . but they help me to extend grace to myself. Because being overwhelmed by shame would be an easy thing to do,
Over the years, as I have found myself lonely and overwhelmed, I have pondered the state of 'older woman' and 'younger woman' relationships. I have sought these relationships my entire adult life, with varying levels of success and helpfulness.
At times when I wasn't getting the help I needed, I turned to blogs and other online content for help and encouragement. Most of these were created by women about my age with children the same age or younger.
Other than what diapers to use or what to expect in the birthing process, I have regretted a lot of the advice I have taken from women whose children were the same age as mine.
The couple I referenced in the beginning of this post had eventually completely rejected the advice and philosophy they had once held up as the gold standard. It had not yielded the result that they hoped it would.
Women in the same stage of life as I am can give support, and may have sound advice, but in my experience they don't have the benefit of being able to see where the decisions they have made have led them in the long term. I can't see the result of their advice and philosophy.
Over the next few days and weeks, I would like to explore the older woman/younger woman relationship dynamics and the barriers that I have experienced to these relationships. And what I can do to promote these relationships and empower them flourish.
This is a wonderful post. I think our society has often impacted how we view the advice of those not in our “peer” group. I think we would usually benefit from seeing the wisdom of those older than ourselves. (Of course, while always simultaneously consulting God’s instruction manual). I know, Not all advice is given with a pure heart but many times it is. In many instances someone offering advice has nothing to gain and often a relationship to possibly lose. I think we all need to be more cautious about being offended by advice and be willing to objectively evaluate it, whether from friend or foe and no matter the intent. And that we err on the side of assuming a loving intent.
ReplyDeleteNow that I have written my own blog, I’ll stop. I have loved reading all your posts! Please continue to share your journey and your insights.