Rejected!

I received a rejection letter today.

Before you feel the need to comfort me, please know that I'm completely fine.

A while back I learned that (in)Courage was accepting submissions for blog posts to be used on their site. It needed to be something original that had not been previously published and it should fit the tone for the site and the theme for the time frame it would be published.

I immediately wanted to submit something. I wanted honest feedback about my writing from someone who doesn't already love me or like me or feel connected to me in some way. But I decided that I was not going to submit anything unless I felt prompted by God to do it. I wasn't going to force it. (On a side, but relevant, note I'm actually not sure if I stuck to this decision. I'm still asking God to open my eyes to blindness and denial...so He may reveal to me that I didn't wait for Him at all...that I jumped ahead in my own timing instead of His.)

So one night I sat down and wrote something. It wasn't phenomenal but I felt the push to submit it, so I did. I felt totally okay at the thought of receiving a rejection. If they used it, cool. If not, cool. Either way I totally trusted that God would use it for my good. And I believe that is true.

I struggle frequently with feeling like I don't have anything valuable to offer the world. But as my faith is growing and my ability to refute Satan's lies grows I recognize that I do have something to offer. God's power is made perfect in weakness.  So I write this blog as my "yes to God". I write this blog out of faith. Faith that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to heal me and change me from the inside out. Faith that I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that I have a place in His body. Not because I'M awesome, but because HE IS.

Someone recently asked me what my blogging goals are and the only thing I could think to say was "to use the measure of talent that God has given me for His glory".

I'm not saying that to make myself seem more spiritual than I am. I'm saying that to reinforce to myself and to anyone reading this that this blog and anything I write is for Him. It's because I believe He gave me any talent that I have. Out of all the things in my life, writing has been the thing I've (in)consistently done because it feels like a calling. I feel compelled to do it.

Maybe there's something He wants me to learn from this. Maybe at some point I'll decide that I'm just really not good at this and that it really isn't what I should be doing. But that's okay. Because I want to be doing what HE wants me to be doing.

I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. At least I'm trying not to. I do sometimes, it's something I struggle with. But best case scenario, I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. Because God's not. He's the one I'm here for. I'm here because I'm doing a little planting and a little watering but God will always give the increase. It will never be my writing ability that will give the increase. It's always God. It's only by His power.

I'm going to write because as far as I can tell, that's what He's called me to. Maybe at some point I'll realize that I made a mistake in thinking that. Maybe I'll be embarrassed that I ever had the nerve to hit publish. But I'm going to do it anyway, because I trust God. And I'm offering what I have to Him. It isn't much but it's what I have.

My God is good. And His grace is sufficient. And that kind of makes me want to dance and sing. :) Be glad that's NOT what He's called me to!!! :)

A New Deuteronomy

It is amazing how quickly I can get off track. How quickly I can forget my purpose.

Like with this blog. A little over two months ago I made a commitment to myself to write something every day and to post something to this blog two days a week.

I didn't care a whole lot if I got any page views. Because this is not about that.

But I fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted and approved of and I compare myself to other people. And I start questioning myself. Maybe people are just being nice. If I were really a good writer wouldn't....fill in the blank...happen?

What it really comes down to is writing, with whatever level of talent God has given me, is what God has given me. I'm a writer and I think that God wants me to use that to tell the story of what He's done for me and what He's still doing and what He's teaching me.

But like the one talent man in the story of the talents, sometimes I lose my nerve. I question and I am tempted to just bury it. Because someone else can do it better. What can I possibly contribute to the world with my small and limited talent?

The thing that I seem to keep forgetting is that this isn't about me. It isn't about who approves of me or who accepts me or who I compare to. It. Isn't. About. Me.

So I'm having my own little Deuteronomy moment. I'm taking a moment to remember and tell myself the story of the Gospel and how that precious story has changed my life.

I'm refocusing. And I'm returning

My purpose is to bring glory to God. To let His light shine through me. To tell the story of His amazing grace in my life.

What He does with that is His business.

Motivation to Keep Going Even When it Hurts

A few years ago, during my weightloss saga, I was very motivated to reach a certain goal. For weeks I had been inching closer and closer to it but not quite reaching it. So I decided that "desperate times call for desperate measures" and I stuck 40 pounds in a backpack and started out on the 6 mile walk home from church.

Even as I started out the weight felt heavy but I was pretty determined so I set out anyway.

For the first 3 miles or so I was able to distract myself from the heaviness. I focused on the sermon (on Romans 8) that was playing in my ear.

As I made my trek my shoulders hurt, so I would stop, set the backpack down for about 30 seconds and then return it and continue on my way.

Each time I sat it down though, it became harder to pick it back up. The shoulder straps on the backpack--that was made so sturdy that they were willing to give us a lifetime guarantee--began to tear.

The weight on my shoulders made it difficult to even remain upright...putting one foot in front of the other required a concentrated effort.

I just kept thinking of what it would feel like to reach my goal. And so I kept going.

I stopped taking breaks because it required too much energy to lift the backpack off my shoulders and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it back onto my shoulders once it was off. The backpack kept hitting me in the lower back and it got painful enough that I put my hands there to keep it from happening.

I was miserable. But I kept going...

...until I made it to the 5 mile mark. I walked to a safe spot to wait, I took the backpack off of my shoulders and I called Michael and asked him to pick me up.

I had rub burns and bruises on both my shoulders and a deep bruise on my lower back where the backpack had hit me.

Even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I felt good about it.

Setting goals is powerful. Setting a specific goal kept me going long after I would have stopped if I didn't have one. I endured way more pain than I would have tolerated if I didn't have my goal to focus my mind on.

I love setting goals but I think that breaking them down into smaller daily or weekly ones is important. The smaller goals work toward the bigger ones and the victories from the smaller ones keep me motivated to keep going until I reach the bigger one. My mind being focused on what I can do TODAY keeps me from getting bogged down in how far I still have to go.

The cool thing is, even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I reached and even surpassed the goal I had set. So I chalk that up as a win. :)

Thief of Responsibility

Up until about 8 months ago I was completely convinced that all, 100%, of the problems in my relationships were my fault. I believed that I had either created the problem in the first place, or I had made it worse.

Either way--my fault.

I had spent the last 8 or so years examining my relationships and taking ownership of the problems. And definitely a large portion of those problems were mine to own...but I was taking ownership of everything, 100%. And as I changed, things DID change so I took that as confirmation that I had been the problem.

But even as I worked so hard to change, by God's grace and through His power, some things didn't change.

I would go through periods of deep depression out of frustration and despair because I just hadn't changed enough to fix all the problems. I questioned whether I had actually changed at all or if it was just my imagination or pride. And I began to question whether it was even possible for me to change. Like maybe I was just a Saul or Judas or Pharoah. And that led to a lot of questioning God and being angry. All of this even though I had clearly changed.

So last September I became desperate and reached out for help. I began counseling and going to Celebrate Recovery and working the steps and principles. And I've spent the last 8 months coming to the realization that everything is NOT my fault.

While my actions have and do affect others, I am not 100% responsible for the problems in the world. Or even MY world. If it can't be fixed by ME changing--it probably isn't and never was my fault.

I have to own my own actions but no amount of fixing ME is going to fix someone else. And fixing them isn't my responsibility or even within my realm of control.

In some ways this is a huge load off. Not having to take responsibility for other peoples actions and feelings is a weight lifted from my shoulders.

But it also means that I can't fix all the problems in my life. God can fix me if I'm willing to surrender but no amount of surrendering on my part will fix anyone else. I have to just pray and trust God with other people.

So when something happens or someone lets me know that there's a problem, I can assess the situation, own my part, ask for forgiveness if necessary and not take responsibility that isn't mine to take. Because taking other peoples responsibility robs them of the opportunity to grow.

Yes, my actions can trigger someone to sin. And I am responsible for not provoking my brothers and sisters to stumble and I should avoid it at all costs.

Yes, other peoples actions can trigger me. I am responsible for setting boundaries for myself and communicating them to protect myself from sinning (that seems to be what Jesus is talking about when He says, if your right hand offends you, cut it off). It is also my responsibility to NOT sin even when provoked. I fail on that account.

The thing is, knowing that my words and actions are about me, and only me, has set me free. Because the same thing applies to other people. Other peoples words and actions are about them. Not me. "Hurting people hurt people and free people free people".

So what does this look like in my life?

1. My depression is almost non existent.

2. My relationship with Michael is much more peaceful.

3. I'm a better mom. I didn't even realize how much all of that responsibility affected me as a mother. Yelling has reduced to...well...it's a rare occurrence.

4. I can trust the wisdom that God provides and I can tell myself the truth based on that. So I can take responsibility for my actions when needed and feel confident when things truly aren't my fault.

When I started this process, I thought I would be fixed at the end of my step study. I'm not. But I have learned a ton and I am equipped for growth.

I am thankful and I am ready to continue the journey.

The Practicalness of Humility

I used to have a sort of phobia of being wrong...of anyone (including myself) seeing my faults.  Even when I was wrong I would defend the behavior or belief...to myself and everyone else...as if I were completely right.  I was in complete and utter denial.

Looking back, I did some really stupid things based on my pride and desire to be right and feel superior.

Hiding was the name of my game. My faults were the herd of stampeding elephants in the room.

I can't say exactly WHEN God began working on this character flaw. I think it may have started when I realized, in my marriage, that if things were going to change, if we were going to get off the merri-go-round of unhappiness and unhealthy behavior and actually have a good marriage--or at least a bearable one-- someone was going to have to break the cycle...and it might as well be me.

I realized and slowly came to believe more and more that being the first to admit fault...and generally having an "I could be totally wrong" attitude... had zero negative repercussions and a million positive ones.

Here are a few...

1.) If I maintain a posture of humility, actually being wrong is not as big of a deal.  Falling from a height of 12 inches is way less painful than falling from 12 feet. And way less damage is done.

2.)  Pride basically holds me hostage to ignorance and stunted growth. If I already assume I know the answer and am right, it's virtually impossible to learn. And if I can't learn, I can't grow.

If a child insisted that baby jibberish was correct and refused to learn to speak and communicate properly...can you imagine all they would miss out on?  They could only communicate with the few people who take the time to learn their baby jibberish. They could never read the Bible or go to school or tell a joke or get a job. It would be utterly ridiculous. Baby jibberish is beautiful...from a baby. From a 30 year old? Not so much if that 30 year old is capable of learning to communicate properly.

3.) Even if I'm sure I'm right, it's still wise to operate from the standpoint that *I* could be the fool who thinks they're right...because I could be. THEN if it becomes clear that I'm right, it's easier for the other person to admit it. But if it becomes clear that I'm wrong, it will be easier to learn the lesson and move on with a smile.

4.) It's WAY more fun to be completely open to being wrong and to learning than having the anxiety of feeling the need to prove I'm right all the time. To walk into a situation willing to put myself "out there" to be corrected and taught is so freeing because no matter what, I come out better off.

5.) It also makes me much more approachable. It's like the idea that people are more comfortable in a home that isn't spotless because they aren't afraid they're going to mess it up. It's easier to approach someone that you know isn't judging you and won't talk down to you for having a different opinion or for not knowing something.

6.) Humility and approachableness is an act of service to others. Being willing to be taught and being open to being wrong allows others to see and learn with you even if they are afraid to put themselves "out there". And being approachable is important because we need each other...because iron sharpens iron...it doesn't sharpen itself...we need another piece of iron for that. We need community.

None of this means that I take every piece of advice or always do what other people think I should. We're about pleasing God, not men. I pray constantly for wisdom and discernment and God is faithful. Does that mean I ALWAYS make good and right decisions or always heed this advice? Absolutely not. I fall back into this behavior sometimes. It does mean that it's easier to get back up when I fall because I know that falling is always a possibility...so it's easier to recognize and admit...and rely on God's grace instead of my own ability to make right decisions all day every day.

God is good.

The Little Engine that Could...Because God Was Working Through Her

I began reading the entire Bible through on a yearly basis when I was around eight. My dad bought our entire family chronological daily reading Bibles and at some point during the day we would all read silently to ourselves or take turns reading aloud.

I enjoy reading my Bible. Reading the Bible is always a good thing, but for a large part of the time I was speed reading the word of God so I could check it off my list (and more recently so my Bible app would stop sending me notifications that I had not completed my reading). Pretty inane, huh?! So a couple of January's ago I made a conscious decision to NOT begin reading my Bible through. Instead, I determined to read verses and chapters and books whenever I took a fancy, while committing to read SOMETHING every day. (Okay, so here's where it gets real...I missed days. I might have even missed weeks occasionally. Make no mistake...I'm not a miss goody two shoes who never misses a day reading my Bible...it happens)

A few months ago I really began to realize how incomplete my knowledge of God had been.  Even though I had read my bible for a long time, I read it in a very self centered, desperate-and-afraid-of-going-to-hell sort of way. I read my Bible to figure out how to NOT go to Hell. I didn't see God as the Lover of my soul, I saw Him as the condemner of it.

In coming to this realization, I longed to know Him as He wants to be known.  I wanted (and still do) to know what He wants me to know about Him and about life. So I started reading from the beginning, with the intention of learning as much as I can about who God is and how He relates to man...and to me.

I'm kind of amazed at just how much my reading has changed as a result of this perspective change. So many different things have popped out at me. I've learned so much and I'm still in Genesis.

This morning I read about Joseph and his dream interpreting experiences. My imagination is going wiiiiild. I'm imagining being called before a Pharaoh for ANY reason at all but especially being called by an agitated, frustrated and sleep deprived Pharaoh who holds my life in his hands and who expects me to tell him the meaning of his dreams.

Okay folks, here's the deal. Being asked for even the smallest piece of advice makes my palms sweaty and my heart race. Being asked to perform a task makes my stomach burn with anxiety...wondering if I can pull it off without making some terrible and irreversible mistake. So Joseph's response is mind blowing to me, especially considering his life experience up to this point, which you can read beginning in Genesis 37.

"Joseph answered Pharaoh, "It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer."

He's standing before PHARAOH. And he's not panicking. I would be panicking. He has total faith that God is going to work through him--and God does! The dreams are interpreted, a system is set in place for preserving and supplying food to the people during the famine.  Thousands of lives are saved.  If I had been in Joseph's shoes, the Butler and Baker would have never seen their fates coming and Pharaoh and the entire population of that part of the world would have been unprepared for the famine and died of starvation. I never would have attempted to help any of them. It would have never even occurred to me that I COULD help...and if it did occur to me that thought would have been quickly squelched by "who are YOU? How could YOU of ALL PEOPLE make any difference?" and I would have sat down and just shut up and starved to death with everyone else.

The truth is, I can't help. Not really. And neither could Joseph on his own. God can. And by trusting Him and submitting to Him, His work can and will be accomplished, even through me.  And the wonder is even greater...because I know who I am and just how impossible it is for me to accomplish any real good on my own.

I will probably never be called to interpret the dreams of a king or save thousands of people from starvation, but if I am...God can.

I can live with confidence...just like Joseph.  Not in MY power...but in His. I can believe that I am who God says I am, because HE IS TRUTH. If He says it, it's true. I can prayerfully and hopefully ask for wisdom and humbly relay that wisdom when asked for advice. And I can confidently perform tasks knowing that God is the One working in me to accomplish it.

It's not about ME or what I can do. "With man things are impossible but with God all things are possible". It's about God and His glory and Him taking a mess like me and transforming me into the image of His dear Son.

And all I have to do is submit. Stop trying to do it on my own. Take a break. Rest. It's so contrary to our human perspective, isn't it?

References:

2 Corinthians 1:8-11
Philippians 2:13
Genesis 40,41
Philippians 4:13
Matthew 11:29,30
James 1:5
Matthew 19:26

Well Begun is Half Done, but Half Done Is NOT Done

So you know how you can read a book over and over and still notice new things or discover new little details that you had missed before?

I totally did that in my Bible reading today.

For the last two years I have taken a break from feeling the need to read the entire Bible through during the year.  I still read, but I find myself reading because I desire to know God and not to check it off my list.  I typically take a cue from the lesson on Sunday and read whatever book the speaker took his thoughts from.

But recently I decided to start from the beginning and really seek out God and get to know Him and so I'm starting at the beginning.

So today I was reading in Genesis and as I read chapter 11 and verse 32 I realized something I had never let sink in before.

Terah had set out from his homeland of Ur to go to Canaan, but apparently he got comfortable in Haran and never finished the journey.

This realization brought several thoughts to my mind.

1. God's will for this family got done. But not by Terah. Terah died halfway to Canaan.  Which reminded me of the story of Esther where Mordecai tells Esther that whether or not SHE chose to act on the Hebrews behalf, it would be done and that it all just came down to whether or not she would be the vessel.

~Am I willing to be God's instrument or am I too comfortable where I am? His will will be done whether I do it or not, but it all comes down to whether I will be His instrument.

2.  Comfort is not all it's cracked up to be.  James tells us to "consider it all joy" when we "encounter various trials" because the "testing of your faith produces endurance". Starting in the first place is important but it's just as important to keep plugging along to the finish.  James says "and let endurance have it's perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

-Sometimes I get so satisfied and comfortable with making the initial effort that I don't bother following through. Well begun might be half done but it ISN'T done. God please help me to rejoice in trials and embrace the effect so that I will keep running the race instead of stopping short!

3.  Abraham's story is full of flaws. But we know a lot more about his completed story than we do about Terah's half effort and by the end of Abraham's story he was so full of faith and endurance that he was willing to sacrifice his son.

-A life of doing God's will isn't without faults. It's full of them. A life of doing God's will is about Him taking us through the process of completing His work in us. God's will for us is sanctification. And that's what Abraham's story is about. I pray that I have the courage to completely surrender to God's will to allow His work to be done. I pray that my life is increasingly less about ME and more about HIM.

I have always loved the book of Genesis. It's among the easiest for me to read and I probably know it best of all the Old Testament books. So it was magnificently delicious to discover something "new". ..that I'm sure someone has pointed out to me before but I was too dense to learn or remember it. :)

God is amazing.

No Pain, No Gain

I have a tendency to focus on pain.  When I'm running it's hard to think about anything other than how much it hurts. In labor there came a point when the pain had crossed a threshold and it hurt so bad that I would have done ANYTHING to make it stop. Lately, life has hurt...and I've had trouble seeing or feeling anything else.

When we moved, I am convinced that I was on the verge of some kind of nervous breakdown. Like, for real. We were convinced for this and other reasons that it was clearly time to move on. When we got here I got the rest I needed and things got better. But I have to be honest, a lot of the plans that we had made didn't work out or a wrench was thrown in. To the point that we had started to question ourselves about whether moving was the right choice. And since then we've been forced to face a lot of our demons.

God has been so merciful in helping us deal with those "demons". He has graciously done so much work in us. It's kind of mind boggling that He's already done so much and He's still working!

I personally had felt like I (and we/our marriage) had hit a wall and we just didn't have the tools to scale it, knock it down, go around it or build a door to go through.

Well, God has (once again) graciously provided the help we need.

BUt even through all the positive help I (and we) have been receiving, it still hurts.  Because growth does. And when things hurt, I tend to look for a way out and if I can't get out, I check out mentally. So I've been resorting to all of my self destructive tendencies to cope.

Well the other day a faithful friend recounted to me all of the POSITIVE THINGS that have happened since we've moved here...which helped to kind of turn the tide of my thoughts.

And then today while driving Allistair Begg came on the radio talking about how we should take pleasure in the trials of life instead of running from them (huh, what a NOVEL idea! Except we just got done studying that part of James in our grow group...I'm a slow learner apparently!). It was a really good sermon. But it just made me realize that YES, THIS HURTS. But I need to suck it up and be thankful and rejoice in the growth it's going to produce. Instead of focusing on the pain, I should be focusing on God's goodness and faithfulness and letting his grace overflow into the lives of those around me. Because I'm always asking God to change me and make me who He wants me to be, so why am I dragging my feet and pouting and checking out to avoid the process? It's kind of ridiculous.

When I'm running and I focus on the good it's doing instead of how bad it hurts, I run faster and longer. In labor, when I stopped focusing on how bad it hurt and wishing it would just stop and looking for ways to MAKE it stop and just focused on getting through it and yielding to the process...labor progressed faster and my body worked more efficiently.

So, I'm going to practice focusing on being thankful for the process and for the growth it will produce....and yielding to the process so I can get the maximum effect. Because I need this. And God is good.

I Don't Eat Breakfast

I don't eat breakfast.  Gasp! I don't and I don't feel guilty about it.  I used to and I would force myself, or I would start the day feeling like a failure. But I finally came to the realization that sometimes I have to just do my best and feel okay about that.  So I don't eat breakfast.  In fact, I don't typically eat anything until after noon. Maybe eventually that will change, but for now, I'm focusing on eating good foods in good amounts at the times I DO eat and feeling okay with that.

For a long time I worked out at night.  I know what "the experts" say. But at night after my kids were in bed was the time I felt most motivated.  So instead of pressuring myself to get up earlier and workout first thing, I worked out at night and it worked really well for me. Recently I've started working out first thing in the morning.  Not because the experts tell me to, but because at this point in my life, I am motivated to do that. 

The thing is, there are so many voices telling us what we should be doing.  Or telling us how we should do it.  A lot of these voices will tell you that if you don't do things a certain way that you might as well not do them at all.  But I think that way of thinking does more harm than good. Yes, it's probably best to workout for at least 20 minutes, but you know what?! Any amount of time that you spend NOT sitting on your backside is good and beneficial. If you can't spend 20 minutes...spend five and feel good about that.  If you feel good about that, you'll eventually feel motivated to do more.  If you feel guilty because you only spent 5 minutes instead of 20 you are likely to quit. 

This theory applies to Bible reading too! We all start the year off determined to read it through in a certain period of time and that is AWESOME. It's a great goal.  But sometimes we get behind.  And then it gets overwhelming trying to catch up.  If you can't read 15 chapters every day, read one.  Do what you can do RIGHT NOW.  And learn to be okay with that.  

We all have goals. We all have a place we want to be.  But we can't all wake up with a never ending supply self discipline after a lifetime of severely lacking.  This life is about growth.  Not perfection.  

People who run marathons don't just wake up one day and say 'hey! I'm going to run a marathon today'.  They spend months and months training for it.  They prepare.  They start off running (or walking) one mile and they slowly build up to more until they build the endurance to run 26.  Can you imagine seeing someone training for a marathon and walking up to them and saying "you only ran 10 miles, you're such a loser!" NO. Nobody would do that.  Because we all understand that it takes time and training.  So why do we do that to ourselves when it comes to things like eating healthy, working out or reading our Bibles? 

It's a process. It's training for our ultimate goal. It's about growth. 

Sissy Stuff!

So I've done some pretty tough workouts.  I'd already done some before I joined Crossfit.  But then I joined Crossfit.

And then I unjoined Crossfit.  I loved the workouts but I didn't enjoy parting with that much cash every month.

So after I unjoined Crossfit I kind of took a hiatus from working out. I hadn't done that in several years.  I would occasionally do something. But I would try to workout at the level I had previously worked out at and I would end up puking and feeling like I was going to pass out and not able to finish.

Because after doing those awesome workouts where I felt strong and awesome...well, honestly I mostly felt whipped and like throwing up but after I got over THAT I felt strong and awesome...stuff like walking just seemed like 'sissy stuff' (btw, I totally hear the rabbit from Disney's Robin Hood saying that!).  And since my body could no longer handle the tough stuff, I would brood the fact that I had allowed myself to regress so much and just do NOTHING.

It's hard to start over.  It's hard to admit that I've let myself get back to the point where I have to.

It's necessary though if I ever want to actually get back to and go beyond where I was.  Which I do. It's time to let go of the past, learn what I can from it and press toward the future.

The thing is though I'm starting over, but not from scratch.  I'm wiser.  I've grown.  And not just in size.  I know that I'm more than a number on a scale, my deadlift one rep max or my dress size. I'm a daughter of the King.  A sinner saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ.  I have been set free!

So while I'm briskly walking along, I'll be thanking God for the progress I'm making and for the opportunity to start fresh...and giving myself grace for the necessity of it!

Have you ever had to start over? Is there something you need to 'start over' with?

Setbacks

Last week when I walked into my Weight Watcher's meeting, I knew it was going to be bad. I had forgotten to take my thyroid meds for several days in a row. So not only was my metabolism messed up, I was an emotional wreck.

After several setbacks, an unhealthy and heaping dose of beating myself up for my lack of self control, I gave up.

I stopped trying.

I didn't track or even try to control myself. I even decided to put off going to a meeting. I made myself a completely unreasonable diet and exercise plan and decided to go to a meeting later in the week.

I went to bed on Monday night planning to NOT go to my meeting.

Well, I guess at some point in the night my subconscious convinced my conscious of how ridiculous all of this was. I startled awake on Tuesday morning, jumped up out of bed, got dressed and went to my meeting.

I'd love to be able to tell you that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it was. It was every bit as bad as I was afraid it might be. I gained. 7 pounds.

Oh, it hurt. It hurt bad. I cried the ugly cry and had to leave immediately because I couldn't see or talk. (By leave, I mean I stumbled out to my car, but didn't drive anywhere until I was calm enough to see again.)

But I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Because guess what?! Success doesn't mean never failing. It means getting back up after we do. Because we're human. We are going to fail. Repeatedly.


Perfect just isn't in our repertoire. But growth is.

To grow we have to learn. And sometimes to learn, we have to fail.

"A setback is the perfect setup for a comeback"

Are you behind on your Bible reading plan?

Did you give up on healthy eating or exercising months ago?

Tempted to give up on a goal because it seems like you're not getting anywhere?

Don't give up! Whatever setback you're facing could be a stepping stone to success!

Face it, own it, learn what you can and start fresh!

This, or Something Better?

I guess I've mentioned before that I've been on a big fat plateau for like 9 months now.

Not because the plan doesn't work. And when I say "the plan" I mean eat healthy in general and exercising.

The plateau is partly a result of my wacky thyroid, and partly me allowing the hard moments to steer me off course.

So I've been working with an awesome and very talented life coach to get me back on track. And let me tell you, yesterdays session was A. MAZING! She did this little exercise to help me figure out what my top 5 reasons for wanting to get to my goal weight are. When we finished she repeated it all back to me like I was saying it to myself and had me in a puddle of tears.

After the call she sent me an email that she's asked me to post all over my "world". On the fridge, on the pantry doors, on the bathroom mirror, in the car...everywhere to remind myself of what I'm doing. And at the end she included a little phrase to help me put it all into focus. This (food, or whatever momentary pleasure is getting in the way of my working toward my goals), or something better?

When I'm working toward a goal...sometimes it's hard to deny myself momentary pleasures for the hope of something better. Sometimes I think that one little thing won't matter...or I convince myself that it's not working anyway...so what's the point of denying myself?!


In those moments, it helps to remind of myself of what I'm ultimately trying to achieve and how it will feel to achieve it. To remember that God is on my side and He's working for me and in me to accomplish His dreams for me.

So, without further adieu...here's my list...

My Most Important Reasons

for Wanting to Reach my Weight Goal

·     I want to be healthy so that I can feel good and take care of my family
·     I want to be a healthy role model for my family and friends
·     I want to finish what I started
·     I want to have the confidence to pursue other dreams
·     I want to be able to help and encourage others to reach their goals
This (bag of cookies, cake batter, milk shake or whatever it is I'm craving in the moment), or something better!

I think I'll go with something better!

How about you? This, or something better? 

What's your something better? What are your reasons for wanting to reach your goals? How will it feel to achieve them? Is there something you might need to deny yourself in order to achieve them?

Holding Back the Floodwaters

I am always intrigued by other peoples homes. Seeing or being inside someone else's home is like a little glimpse into their souls. You can learn a lot about people just by being inside their home.

It's difficult for me not to get caught up in comparison. Not because I'm jealous of their material possessions, but because I feel so behind.

Yes, when you come into my home you can learn a lot about me, but what you learn about me is not what I want to be true.

It's like when you're paying off debt. You may no longer be that irresponsible person who created those debts, but you still have to pay them. And sometimes it feels defeating.

Our living room is half painted, the bathroom is covered in a variety of paint colors because my daughter thought the bathroom should give a preview of the paint colors in all the other rooms. I feel like my housekeeping efforts are like a rickety dam with a crack in it, barely holding back the flood waters.

If you stop by my house unannounced, it's very likely that I won't let you in because my house is a mess.

To be honest, I do see areas of growth. I do have a laundry pile, but I'm pretty sure I could get it all done in one day...which is a huge improvement upon years past.
I feel like I'm missing something. Other women who are my age and at my approximate stage of life have clean, decorated, homey homes. And I want that desperately. But I feel like I'm missing some chip in my brain that renders me incapable of that. Not because God didn't give me that "chip" but because I broke it somehow.  And I honestly have no idea how to fix it.

I know that I'm probably going to get some emails asking if I'm okay, and I am okay. I probably just need a hug. But the only person I've seen today is the FedEx man and it seemed a little out of his job description and kind of inappropriate to hug him! :)

Okay, I'm going to go reinforce the flood gates so maybe the dam won't break today. :) Pray for me?

Stepping Out in Real Life

I did something a little bit crazy today.

For the past three years my kids and I have spotted the most interesting sight around our town.

A man. Riding a unicycle. And while a man riding a unicycle is quite common and very ordinary at the circus...it's rather exciting and extraordinary on an ordinary day, in an ordinary town, on an ordinary street.

Photo Credit: Ken Looi, Universal Unicyclist

The first time we saw him, his unicycle was bicycle height off the ground, and over the last three years we've watched him rise higher and higher.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I would love to talk to this man. Unfortunately, I had no idea who he was and couldn't find anyone who DID. So I concluded that I'd have to catch him when he wasn't posed on top of a unicycle to talk to him, because I don't want to kill him by asking him his name.

**:) I apologize for my ignorance, I have since learned that it is possible and even not that hard to talk to someone while (uni)cycling. In fact, I found a video of this guy doing just that...down Lombard Street in San Francisco! Oh well! I guess my ignorance makes this story even more ridiculous! Have a laugh at my expense!**

So today while I was headed out to get gas, I spotted him.

Then I looked in the mirror. Gag me! I hadn't showered and was dressed in lazy housewife attire, complete with no shoes and no makeup. Believe me, I was a sight to behold. But, I decided that if I saw him on my way back that I would take it as a dare.

Fast forward to around 20 minutes later...

I had pretty much forgotten about him, but on my way back home, I spotted him carrying his unicycle. I had a small window of opportunity to catch him and not put his life in danger to speak to him.

So I parked the car, pulled my "business" cards out of my purse and began chasing the man down. (okay...here's the picture...imagine the unkept woman described above, plus the 6 inch mismatched wedges I found in the back of my van from when i took them off and never carried them into the house, running down the street shouting "sir! sir!" It was a sight to behold...let me tell ya!)

He stopped! I asked him if I could interview him, I handed him my card, and he very kindly began telling me about places I could find him on internet and a book that he's writing! (Note to self:  before leaving the house, check to make sure you have a writing utensil because when someone is giving you information you need, little plastic men, used tissues and gum are absolutely no help at all.) A unicycle riding lesson may very well be in my future...stay tuned!

So, I gave out my first legitimate business card (it may be the only one I ever have occasion to give out...so this must be celebrated!) and I chased down a random stranger to ask for an interview.

For me, both of those things require stepping out of my comfort zone. And honestly, my comfort zone is a comfortable place, it's kind of somewhere I previously dreaded leaving. But I'll tell ya what, there is almost always some good that comes of getting out of it. I always learn something new or grow in some way. And I think that every time I do it, it gets a little easier to talk myself into doing it the next time.

Have you left your comfort zone lately? Has your unwillingness to step out of your comfort zone kept you from doing something you want to do?

What are your goals for today? What one thing, that might happen to be out of your comfort zone, can you do right now to work toward that goal?

Have an awesome day! And please let me know if there's anything that I can do to encourage or help you work toward a goal!

Use What You've Got, Do What You Love and Learn As You Go!

So guess what?!

I'm pretty sure that every. single. person. reading this can probably write a better blog than me. I'm pretty sure that most of you probably read through my blogs and mentally point out the bazillion grammatical errors that I make in every post.

In every single thing that I do, I know for a fact that there are a bazillion people on Earth that can do it better than me.

And I'll tell you what, that used to (and sometimes still does) stop me from doing them.

But here's the dill, pickles.  Doing things I love to do, even if I'm not very good at them will typically lead to good things (as long as it's all for God's glory because doing drugs...is not a good thing...but I'm pretty sure you knew what I meant).

 First of all...like the old saying goes...practice makes perfect. Not that I will ever be perfect at anything, but I learn from experience. Even if I do whatever it is wrong, I have a better idea of how too do it right. And that's definitely a good thing, right?

Second, I open myself up to be taught by people who are better at it than me. So, if you want to correct my grammar and instruct me about how to do it the right way...maybe I'll make less errors in the future. Which means I have to be humble and open to being taught. There is no room for pride amongst growth.

 Thirdly, by other people seeing me try, it encourages them to try too. Another good thing, right?! Because then you have someone to learn with and two heads are better than one, right?!

So what's my point?

Is there something you want to do but are afraid to try because you know that other people are better (or just as good) at it than you are?  Guess what!? That will always be the case. But there is room in God's plan for you.

Whatever it is...cooking, keeping your home, singing, writing, gardening, losing weight, reading your Bible, starting a new career...don't let fear keep you from doing it. Think you're inadequate? Well maybe you are (I KNOW I am)...all the more glory it will bring to God when He displays his power by accomplishing something awesome in you!

Whether you're a ten talent man or a one talent man...use what you've got, do what you love and learn as you go!

God is awesome. And NOTHING, yes NOTHING, is impossible for HIM.

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man...and Chocolate Cake

I ran for the first time in a while today. Honestly, I'm not even sure when the last time I ran was. I think it may have been sometime in February.

I'm not saying I've been sedentary...I've done a lot of bike riding and walking...I just haven't ran.

But today I NEEDED to run.

I was having a moment. Actually, I was having several moments right after I ate a large piece of chocolate cake. I was having a moment where I couldn't see the victory at the end of the struggle...where that big ol' piece of cake was kicking my "can-do-attitude" in the boo-tay.

So I put my running clothes on and headed out the door.

The thing is, running is against my nature. It requires a level of faithfulness that I find difficult, sometimes, to muster. It means bounding from one foot to the other...repeatedly...for long periods of time. Which, for an overweight female, can be kind of painful.

But sometimes it's necessary to do hard things, because it's the hard things that change us the most. It's the hard things that show us who we really are, and who God is. Running clears my head...and I typically spend most of the time either praying or mouthing the words to praise songs...both of which do wonders for my soul.

Well today, my run reminded me that God loves me, that He's on my side and that He's bigger than that GINORMOUS piece of chocolate cake!

It was a good run...and I'm excited to head out again tomorrow!

God is so good to me!

Bon Voyage!

So, I gained today. Three. Pounds.

I have to say it is hard to accept. And typically, I scour the past week for what I did wrong. And that's a good thing.

But today, I feel tired. Because after 7 months of doing that and working constantly and then being disappointed, I'm tired.

And so, for this week, I'm taking a break.

Yeah, I'm sure that if I look back I'll find something I could have/should have done differently (although I feel sure NOT three pounds worth). But I just need a break. I need to focus on other things. Because really, this weight loss thing is just a means to an end. 

So this week, I'm not going to focus on losing weight, I'm not going to agonize over my gain and what I need to learn to improve my success this week. I'm going to rest.

I'm going to focus on Jesus and being a mom, a wife, a homemaker, a servant and friend.

Am I going to count points? Yes. Am I going to be active? Yes.

Honestly, my week might not look much different from the outside. The difference may only be on the inside...in my thoughts and in my heart. But I can tell you that I already have felt a weight lifted from my shoulders...even though I have to constantly remind myself to let myself rest.

I don't know what my next weigh-in will hold. But for now, the part of my brain that keeps saying "hey loser! get to your goal weight already! Or at least lose SOMETHING!" is on vacation.

And all I can say is...BON VOYAGE!

"The Common Cold of the Soul"

"To sinful patterns of behavior that never get confronted and changed,
Abilities and gives that never get cultivated and deployed--
Until weeks become months
And months turn into years,
And one day you're looking back on a life of
Deep, intimate, gut-wrenchingly, honest conversations you never had;
Great bold prayers you never prayed,
Exhilarating risks you never took,
Sacrificial gifts you never offered
Lives you never touched,
And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,
And forgotten dreams,
And you realize there was a world of desperate need,
And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself--
You see the person you could have become but did not;
You never followed your calling.
You never got out of the boat."
--Gregg Levoy

"A year from now you'll wish you had started today"--I have no idea who originally said this except that it was not me!

So what's it gonna be?! Get up and do something and risk failure and spur growth? Or sit in a recliner talking and planning all the stuff you're gonna do or want to do and never actually get up and DO anything? The choice is yours.

Face your past. Own it. Learn what you can from it. And start fresh.

Just DO it! You CAN do it! Because you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you! And His power is made perfect in our weakness.

No matter where you are or where you've been...there is hope for you.

Trying Something New

Sometimes I feel stuck. And sometimes it's necessary to look at what's working and what's not and make the changes to remove the obstacles in the way of growth.

Sometimes it's not that what I'm currently doing is not working, maybe I'm just bored or uninspired.

Every once in a while it's just time to try something new. Even if I fail or don't do well, I learn something new. Usually that I need to learn or practice more.

So far this year I haven't made as much progress on my goals for the year as I would have hoped. So I'm going to try something new.

1.  I'm going to spend a few minutes in the evening assessing the day and planning for the next day.

2.  I'm going to share with you how the day went and what my goals for the next day are and what I'll do differently based on how the day went.

Today I was on the computer too much and didn't get enough done around my house...and didn't do enough to feed my soul.

So here's what I'll change for tomorrow...

"Mom" Goals for tomorrow:

1. No tv
2. Have Bible Bedtime.
3. Spend at least 5 minutes just talking with each kid
4. Do something active with my kids
5. Have dinner at the table together: Hearty Taco Casserole, Salad

Personal Goals for tomorrow:

1.  Have quiet time
2. Spend 15 minutes cleaning each room
3. Run 3-4 miles
4. Fold laundry/put it away 
5. Write. 
6. Start Red Velvet cake.

So there you go...that's what I'll be working on tomorrow!

What's working or NOT working for YOU?! Have you tried anything new lately?

The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.-- Lamentations 3:22-23

Stepping Out of the Boat

The waters roared and the wind swept viciously, tossing the passengers of the ship timorously into the night. Accomplished seamen reduced to fearful wretches.

In the distance, a figure appears. A man. Confused and baffled by this utter disregard for the physical limitations of man, the seamen mistake their Savior for a ghost.

Realizing their mistake, they call out to him. Peter does the unthinkable. He asks to take a stroll with Jesus.

He steps out of the boat and on to the water and begins to walk. For a few minutes, Peter experienced the utter euphoria of water walking.

But then he took his eyes off of his Savior. And in his humanity he began to doubt. Because, the waves were high and the wind was strong and his actions defied everything he had ever known about the sea and about himself.

You know the rest of the story.

Can you imagine the awesomeness of being able to remember and retell about the time you WALKED ON WATER?! That's the stuff of superhero comic books and Hollywood computer graphics!

As humans we tend to focus on the part of the story where we sink. Sometimes we are so afraid of sinking that we don't even bother to get out of the boat in the first place. We are the disciples who, instead of having an awesome experience where we learn the value of trusting and keeping our eyes on Jesus, sit and watch while Peter gets to walk on water and we secretly wish we'd had the courage to do it too!

Yes Peter sunk and you might too. But Peter didn't drown and neither will you.

Whether you want to lose weight and feel like you just can't do it, or you want to try a new career or you want to read your Bible consistently, don't focus on the obstacles, keep your eyes fixed on the goal and take one step at a time. Those steps will add up. And even if you sink a time or two, refocus and start again.

The polio vaccine, the telephone, the phonograph, automobiles, airplanes...if the men who created them had stopped after one try, none of these things would have been invented. They are a culmination of years of trial and error...of learning what didn't work and applying that knowledge to future endeavors.

Whatever your goal is, don't be so afraid of failure that you never even try for the thing you want. God made you and if you have a heartfelt desire, perhaps he put it there for His glory.

What is your goal? And what ONE THING can you do today to move toward that goal?