A New Deuteronomy

It is amazing how quickly I can get off track. How quickly I can forget my purpose.

Like with this blog. A little over two months ago I made a commitment to myself to write something every day and to post something to this blog two days a week.

I didn't care a whole lot if I got any page views. Because this is not about that.

But I fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted and approved of and I compare myself to other people. And I start questioning myself. Maybe people are just being nice. If I were really a good writer wouldn't....fill in the blank...happen?

What it really comes down to is writing, with whatever level of talent God has given me, is what God has given me. I'm a writer and I think that God wants me to use that to tell the story of what He's done for me and what He's still doing and what He's teaching me.

But like the one talent man in the story of the talents, sometimes I lose my nerve. I question and I am tempted to just bury it. Because someone else can do it better. What can I possibly contribute to the world with my small and limited talent?

The thing that I seem to keep forgetting is that this isn't about me. It isn't about who approves of me or who accepts me or who I compare to. It. Isn't. About. Me.

So I'm having my own little Deuteronomy moment. I'm taking a moment to remember and tell myself the story of the Gospel and how that precious story has changed my life.

I'm refocusing. And I'm returning

My purpose is to bring glory to God. To let His light shine through me. To tell the story of His amazing grace in my life.

What He does with that is His business.

The Little Engine that Could...Because God Was Working Through Her

I began reading the entire Bible through on a yearly basis when I was around eight. My dad bought our entire family chronological daily reading Bibles and at some point during the day we would all read silently to ourselves or take turns reading aloud.

I enjoy reading my Bible. Reading the Bible is always a good thing, but for a large part of the time I was speed reading the word of God so I could check it off my list (and more recently so my Bible app would stop sending me notifications that I had not completed my reading). Pretty inane, huh?! So a couple of January's ago I made a conscious decision to NOT begin reading my Bible through. Instead, I determined to read verses and chapters and books whenever I took a fancy, while committing to read SOMETHING every day. (Okay, so here's where it gets real...I missed days. I might have even missed weeks occasionally. Make no mistake...I'm not a miss goody two shoes who never misses a day reading my Bible...it happens)

A few months ago I really began to realize how incomplete my knowledge of God had been.  Even though I had read my bible for a long time, I read it in a very self centered, desperate-and-afraid-of-going-to-hell sort of way. I read my Bible to figure out how to NOT go to Hell. I didn't see God as the Lover of my soul, I saw Him as the condemner of it.

In coming to this realization, I longed to know Him as He wants to be known.  I wanted (and still do) to know what He wants me to know about Him and about life. So I started reading from the beginning, with the intention of learning as much as I can about who God is and how He relates to man...and to me.

I'm kind of amazed at just how much my reading has changed as a result of this perspective change. So many different things have popped out at me. I've learned so much and I'm still in Genesis.

This morning I read about Joseph and his dream interpreting experiences. My imagination is going wiiiiild. I'm imagining being called before a Pharaoh for ANY reason at all but especially being called by an agitated, frustrated and sleep deprived Pharaoh who holds my life in his hands and who expects me to tell him the meaning of his dreams.

Okay folks, here's the deal. Being asked for even the smallest piece of advice makes my palms sweaty and my heart race. Being asked to perform a task makes my stomach burn with anxiety...wondering if I can pull it off without making some terrible and irreversible mistake. So Joseph's response is mind blowing to me, especially considering his life experience up to this point, which you can read beginning in Genesis 37.

"Joseph answered Pharaoh, "It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer."

He's standing before PHARAOH. And he's not panicking. I would be panicking. He has total faith that God is going to work through him--and God does! The dreams are interpreted, a system is set in place for preserving and supplying food to the people during the famine.  Thousands of lives are saved.  If I had been in Joseph's shoes, the Butler and Baker would have never seen their fates coming and Pharaoh and the entire population of that part of the world would have been unprepared for the famine and died of starvation. I never would have attempted to help any of them. It would have never even occurred to me that I COULD help...and if it did occur to me that thought would have been quickly squelched by "who are YOU? How could YOU of ALL PEOPLE make any difference?" and I would have sat down and just shut up and starved to death with everyone else.

The truth is, I can't help. Not really. And neither could Joseph on his own. God can. And by trusting Him and submitting to Him, His work can and will be accomplished, even through me.  And the wonder is even greater...because I know who I am and just how impossible it is for me to accomplish any real good on my own.

I will probably never be called to interpret the dreams of a king or save thousands of people from starvation, but if I am...God can.

I can live with confidence...just like Joseph.  Not in MY power...but in His. I can believe that I am who God says I am, because HE IS TRUTH. If He says it, it's true. I can prayerfully and hopefully ask for wisdom and humbly relay that wisdom when asked for advice. And I can confidently perform tasks knowing that God is the One working in me to accomplish it.

It's not about ME or what I can do. "With man things are impossible but with God all things are possible". It's about God and His glory and Him taking a mess like me and transforming me into the image of His dear Son.

And all I have to do is submit. Stop trying to do it on my own. Take a break. Rest. It's so contrary to our human perspective, isn't it?

References:

2 Corinthians 1:8-11
Philippians 2:13
Genesis 40,41
Philippians 4:13
Matthew 11:29,30
James 1:5
Matthew 19:26

Stepping Out in Real Life

I did something a little bit crazy today.

For the past three years my kids and I have spotted the most interesting sight around our town.

A man. Riding a unicycle. And while a man riding a unicycle is quite common and very ordinary at the circus...it's rather exciting and extraordinary on an ordinary day, in an ordinary town, on an ordinary street.

Photo Credit: Ken Looi, Universal Unicyclist

The first time we saw him, his unicycle was bicycle height off the ground, and over the last three years we've watched him rise higher and higher.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I would love to talk to this man. Unfortunately, I had no idea who he was and couldn't find anyone who DID. So I concluded that I'd have to catch him when he wasn't posed on top of a unicycle to talk to him, because I don't want to kill him by asking him his name.

**:) I apologize for my ignorance, I have since learned that it is possible and even not that hard to talk to someone while (uni)cycling. In fact, I found a video of this guy doing just that...down Lombard Street in San Francisco! Oh well! I guess my ignorance makes this story even more ridiculous! Have a laugh at my expense!**

So today while I was headed out to get gas, I spotted him.

Then I looked in the mirror. Gag me! I hadn't showered and was dressed in lazy housewife attire, complete with no shoes and no makeup. Believe me, I was a sight to behold. But, I decided that if I saw him on my way back that I would take it as a dare.

Fast forward to around 20 minutes later...

I had pretty much forgotten about him, but on my way back home, I spotted him carrying his unicycle. I had a small window of opportunity to catch him and not put his life in danger to speak to him.

So I parked the car, pulled my "business" cards out of my purse and began chasing the man down. (okay...here's the picture...imagine the unkept woman described above, plus the 6 inch mismatched wedges I found in the back of my van from when i took them off and never carried them into the house, running down the street shouting "sir! sir!" It was a sight to behold...let me tell ya!)

He stopped! I asked him if I could interview him, I handed him my card, and he very kindly began telling me about places I could find him on internet and a book that he's writing! (Note to self:  before leaving the house, check to make sure you have a writing utensil because when someone is giving you information you need, little plastic men, used tissues and gum are absolutely no help at all.) A unicycle riding lesson may very well be in my future...stay tuned!

So, I gave out my first legitimate business card (it may be the only one I ever have occasion to give out...so this must be celebrated!) and I chased down a random stranger to ask for an interview.

For me, both of those things require stepping out of my comfort zone. And honestly, my comfort zone is a comfortable place, it's kind of somewhere I previously dreaded leaving. But I'll tell ya what, there is almost always some good that comes of getting out of it. I always learn something new or grow in some way. And I think that every time I do it, it gets a little easier to talk myself into doing it the next time.

Have you left your comfort zone lately? Has your unwillingness to step out of your comfort zone kept you from doing something you want to do?

What are your goals for today? What one thing, that might happen to be out of your comfort zone, can you do right now to work toward that goal?

Have an awesome day! And please let me know if there's anything that I can do to encourage or help you work toward a goal!

Stepping Out of the Boat

The waters roared and the wind swept viciously, tossing the passengers of the ship timorously into the night. Accomplished seamen reduced to fearful wretches.

In the distance, a figure appears. A man. Confused and baffled by this utter disregard for the physical limitations of man, the seamen mistake their Savior for a ghost.

Realizing their mistake, they call out to him. Peter does the unthinkable. He asks to take a stroll with Jesus.

He steps out of the boat and on to the water and begins to walk. For a few minutes, Peter experienced the utter euphoria of water walking.

But then he took his eyes off of his Savior. And in his humanity he began to doubt. Because, the waves were high and the wind was strong and his actions defied everything he had ever known about the sea and about himself.

You know the rest of the story.

Can you imagine the awesomeness of being able to remember and retell about the time you WALKED ON WATER?! That's the stuff of superhero comic books and Hollywood computer graphics!

As humans we tend to focus on the part of the story where we sink. Sometimes we are so afraid of sinking that we don't even bother to get out of the boat in the first place. We are the disciples who, instead of having an awesome experience where we learn the value of trusting and keeping our eyes on Jesus, sit and watch while Peter gets to walk on water and we secretly wish we'd had the courage to do it too!

Yes Peter sunk and you might too. But Peter didn't drown and neither will you.

Whether you want to lose weight and feel like you just can't do it, or you want to try a new career or you want to read your Bible consistently, don't focus on the obstacles, keep your eyes fixed on the goal and take one step at a time. Those steps will add up. And even if you sink a time or two, refocus and start again.

The polio vaccine, the telephone, the phonograph, automobiles, airplanes...if the men who created them had stopped after one try, none of these things would have been invented. They are a culmination of years of trial and error...of learning what didn't work and applying that knowledge to future endeavors.

Whatever your goal is, don't be so afraid of failure that you never even try for the thing you want. God made you and if you have a heartfelt desire, perhaps he put it there for His glory.

What is your goal? And what ONE THING can you do today to move toward that goal?

An Unsure End

This morning on our way to our favorite donut shop I got a brilliant idea!

We pulled up to the shop, I handed Caleb money to pay for the donuts and I sent my five wild indians into the donut shop. Alone. Without me.

I sat in the car...in complete peace and quiet and enjoyed my time immensely...only slightly holding my breath about what the outcome of this "brilliant idea" would be...because "what do you get when you send five wild indians into a donut shop?" sounds like a bad joke that I'd rather not know the punchline to.

A few months ago I read an article about over parenting and was really startled by how much I recognized myself in it. Cause, see, I'm a controller and that tends to make me a 'no' mom because saying yes might lead to a situation I can't control and that's really scary for me.

When I was Caleb's age I was riding my bike all over town running bank and grocery errands for my parents. And while I know that times have changed since then and we probably should be more careful, my over parenting seriously stunts my children's growth in maturity and creativity.

So, I've started weighing whether my inclination to say no is a real concern for their safety or for my own comfort.   And honestly, I have seen them blossom in the last few months. They've made friends, spent more time outside and been more creative. And that really makes me want to give them freedom...because kids need that! And guess what?! I need that too! It's pretty silly how much stress I heap upon myself needlessly!

photo courtesy of Alisha Hurt PHotography

So out of the donut shop they came...with the owner following them. And I'm thinking "oh no! What did they do?!?!"

I opened the car door and stepped out expecting the owner to reprimand me for sending them in alone.

Instead she smiled and told me they were the most well behaved kids she'd ever had in her shop AND she had given them donut holes as a reward for being so good. Ashamedly, I was shocked.

The kids handed me their change and filed into the car full of a sense of accomplishment.  The told me all about their donut shop experience while I silently thanked God for His goodness and felt the slight tinge of conviction for not having more faith in God and in my children.

It was a good day!

Loser or Not?

I haven't been being as open about my weightloss/or lack thereof lately. I'm not sure what that means.

I do have my reasons.

Out of the past 5 weigh-ins I've gained 3 times. I was not emotionally ready to share that information. Because while most people mean well and are encouraging...there are the people who think I've gone back to my old habits and lecture me about what I'm doing wrong. And when you're working hard it's difficult to have someone tell you that you're doing it all wrong...especially when they don't know what you're doing at all.

Last weeks gain, I'm pretty sure, was the result of a heavy workout schedule. I hadn't worked out like that in a couple of months and restarting always makes me gain.

But, I have to admit, these past two weeks have been challenging for me. Trying to figure out what's going on and rededicating to everything and assessing to find areas where I need improvement.

Today and last week are the first time in the past 13 months where I've been tempted to not weigh-in. I did weigh-in last week and I will weigh-in today.


I am scared today. I'm afraid of the emotions I'll feel if there's another gain. Afraid that I AM going to fall off the wagon and just go back to my old habits. Afraid that I'm going to be stuck here and give up and not lose anymore or get to my goal weight.

Because I have to admit...I'm shocked that I've made it this far. I honestly don't think that I thought I ever would. I think I thought that I'd be fat for the rest of my life.

It's scary. I'm scared. I know that a gain would just provide me with an opportunity to grow...and I want to grow.

So if God has a gain for me today...then I'm (trying to be) okay with that. I want what He wants for me.

I just hope he wants me to lose! and not gain!

Promises

"If you continue in my word, then are you my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free" John 8:31,32

I guess that's my answer.

Continue in His word.

Be His disciple.

Know the truth.

Be set free.

Sounds like a plan!

You Want the Truth?!

I don't know about you but I struggle a lot with 'truth'.

There are so many people around me who seem so sure about what 'the Truth' is. I have no such confidence.

I know what I was raised to believe concerning spiritual issues, but I honestly can't say for sure that that is truth. Some things I know aren't at all.

I'm not talking about questioning the existence of God (been there, done that), I'm talking about the implementation of our worship of Him. I'm talking about what that worship looks like. Not only what most people call 'church' but every day communion with God.

Fear has played a large role in my own personal quest. I've seen others figuratively drug behind a moving truck because of how they believe they should worship God. Basically excommunicated because of their bodily stance during a public prayer. Families ripped apart, once revered men made a laughing stock.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to know 'the truth'. If my beliefs don't align with those of my family and their friends, I will basically have to walk away from almost everyone I know. There is no middle ground where I am.

I don't know if I'm ready. I want to be. I desperately want to be.

Captains Orders: Burn the Ships!

When Hernando Cortez set foot on the Yucatan Peninsula, he knew of all the hundreds of conquerors who had failed at his task. Riches, jewels and wealth beyond measure lie ahead. All he, and his men, had to do was take it.

But taking it was no easy task. Conqueror after conqueror had set out with this goal, and died trying to achieve it.

Cortez and his men landed on the beach and immediately Cortez ordered the ships to be burned. He gave his men an ultimatum--either go home on the ships of the people they came to conquer, or they wouldn't go home at all.

Cortez succeeded.

I find ships in my heart that are in need of burning. I set out at a task, only to recant when I am criticized or meet obstacles. I have been unable to find solutions, because I am busy trying to find an escape.

The question is: What boats in my mind continue to float the excuses and limiting beliefs that are keeping me from getting what I say I want?

Criticism from others and my own limiting beliefs about myself have kept me from doing more things than I can count. I start out with enthusiasm and determination but I allow each little criticism to chisel away at my focus and eventually, I give up.

I often tell myself "you can't do that" or ask "who do you think you are?" or "if that person isn't doing that, then what makes you think YOU can do it?"

I can no longer allow my own limiting beliefs and the opinions of others to stagnate my growth. I must have a decided heart. I may not be able to accomplish much on my own, but "His strength is made perfect in my weakness". "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I am NOT good enough but my LORD is, and He is standing ready to give me the desires of my heart.

I desperately want to be a woman after God's heart. I want to instill a love and fervor for my Savior in my children.

I have a decided heart.

My ships are burning. Jesus is my goal. There is no turning back. I am at the mark. I am ready. Here I go.