An Open Door

Twice every week I hit the publish button on this blog. Rain or shine, good times or bad, feast or famine.

Most of the time I do it reluctantly. "Why would anyone read this?" "There are a million people who could write it better." "I should just go hunt down an article about whatever I've written about and share that." 

But I hit the button anyway because I trust my God. And I want Him to have what He's blessed me with for His own glory. When He comes to see what I've done with what He's given me I want Him to know that I DIDN'T bury my one talent. I want to give it my all so that it will grow and give Him even more glory. Not because He needs it but because He deserves it and I want to give Him all I can.

Lately I've been feeling frustrated. I know I need to improve my writing and I know that to some extent just writing regularly will do that. But I want to learn, I want to soak in knowledge. I want to be taught. I want my offering to God to grow. I want to give Him the best that I can possibly muster. 

I also don't want to get ahead of God. I want to receive HIS blessings in HIS timing. I want it to be all for His glory and not my own. 

Sometimes I'm tempted to do that. Sometimes I am like Sarah and I don't see God working and I decide to figure it out myself and implement my own plan...only to realize that my plan has nothing to do with God's and it was all a terrible idea anyway. 

So I've been writing and publishing faithfully for the last 4 months with my eyes and ears open. Watching like a hawk for a sign from God. Not seeking anything out, just watching so I'd be ready if God presented a door for me to walk through. 

And a friend told me about Compel. It's basically exactly what I've been looking for. For a monthly fee I can become a member and receive assignments and feedback and training and teaching and...oh so much! I just can't believe how exactly what I've been looking for it is!!!

I think I may have found the door. 

The prospect of getting to really work on my writing skills in a way that works for my family is super exciting! I know that God will provide if this is truly His plan for me.

It's really hard to wait sometimes. Sometimes I really want to go out and seek out what I'm looking for and force something to happen, but I'm so glad every time I DON'T do that.

God really is good. His gifts and His timing are so worth the wait!!!

My Top Ten Moments as a Mother

Being a mom has changed me as much as being a wife. 

Here is my list of my favorite moments as a mother. A lot of them weren't my favorites in my overwhelmed and massively sleep deprived, mother of 5 kids in 4 years state ...but now that my kids are older and those days are behind us I can laugh. :)

Without further adieu...or adeiu or aduie. You know what I mean. :)

10. The time Caleb scooted across the bed at like 2 months and we called our parents and said he crawled. 

9. The time we met a friend at McDonalds and didn't order any food (just drinks) while the kids played on the PlayPlace and Lilla came back to our table with ketchup on her face. Confused, I looked around the room to find a group of people laughing hysterically and pointing in our direction. She had apparently walked up to their table and helped herself to some fries.

8. The time Elisabeth made it to church with no diaper or panties on. I heard a commotion at the entrance and went to find out what it was and Elisabeth was standing with her head on the ground and her hiney in the air. With no diaper. And no panties.

7. The time I caught Elisabeth trick or treating when it wasn't halloween. And our neighbors gave her stuff.

6. The time I was 37 weeks pregnant with the twins, and went to Walmart and slipped in a puddle of urine. Nathaniel was still potty training and it was his. But it took me a while to figure it out. Still gross but at least it came from him and not a stranger! A tiny little elderly woman tried to help me up. Like a mouse helping an elephant.

5. The time I had to take all five kids out of church (there were actually a lot of times that this happened) and Lilla got away from me and started to run up the isle toward the front and I set all the other kids down and tried to catch her before she reached the front but I tripped and fell.

4. The time I had to take the twins out and Uriah wouldn't walk so I ended up literally dragging him to the back.

3. The time we went to a wedding and the floor of the church was concrete and slanted down toward the front. We let Caleb take ONE little car in. During the prayer he dropped the car...and it was loud ALL. THE. WAY. TO. THE. FRONT. and finally came to stop at the Mother of the Brides feet. We were sitting in the back. She was not happy.

2. The time I let my dad talk me into taking a road trip to CA when the twins were less than two weeks old. We all got pink eye. Even the babies.

1. The time we were in the McDonalds drive thru and Lilla climbed on top of the car. Uh huh. She did that. And many other things that could probably fill a book. Don't believe people when they tell you that girls are easier than boys. It totally depends on the personalities of both!

I am pretty sure that an army of angels has surrounded my kids throughout their lives. With all of the shenanigans we've only had to make one trip to the ER for stitches. 

Whatever It Takes

I've gone to church my whole life. I have sung "this world is not my home, I'm justa passin' through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue..." so many times that I can't possibly count. I have heard sermon after sermon after sermon about Heaven and the limitations of this Earth. 

I know in my head that this world is not where I belong. I know in my head that this world isn't meant to satisfy me and that it never will. Not my marriage. Not my home. Not my kids. Not my personal sense of accomplishment. 

But the other day I had a sort of 'aha!' moment.

I was pondering my beliefs about life. About my marriage in particular. I was kind of doing a heart check to see if my beliefs line up with God's word and I realized that they don't. 

I realized that my heart was still holding onto the belief that if I could just work hard enough or find the secret formula that all of my needs/wants could be met and I could be completely and utterly happy based on that. 

The thing is, this life isn't about this life. 

Being dissatisfied here is a good thing. It is those feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment that send me running straight into the arms of God and into a deeper relationship with Him.

This life and this place and these people and this food are not meant to satisfy me. It's not their job. 

And that heart realization is revolutionizing me. It immediately lifted weight off my shoulders and gave me a sense of peace.

I can be content and even joyful in the imperfections and trials of this life. I can allow those moments to draw me closer to God.

When my husband lets me down, I can let him off the hook and praise God for the reminder that He is my completer and ultimate provider.

When my own flaws and imperfections become apparent and the limitations of my humanity show their face, I can praise God and seek His kingdom and trust that His power is perfected in my weakness.

My desire is for transformation. I have been praying for that. I long to be like Jesus. But I've been complaining about the very things He was using to answer those prayers. 

Hm...that reminds me of a song. How about you?! 

So today my prayer is "whatever it takes God. Whatever it takes to draw me to You. Please give me that. As scary as that could be....I trust You. Please give me that." 

A New Deuteronomy

It is amazing how quickly I can get off track. How quickly I can forget my purpose.

Like with this blog. A little over two months ago I made a commitment to myself to write something every day and to post something to this blog two days a week.

I didn't care a whole lot if I got any page views. Because this is not about that.

But I fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted and approved of and I compare myself to other people. And I start questioning myself. Maybe people are just being nice. If I were really a good writer wouldn't....fill in the blank...happen?

What it really comes down to is writing, with whatever level of talent God has given me, is what God has given me. I'm a writer and I think that God wants me to use that to tell the story of what He's done for me and what He's still doing and what He's teaching me.

But like the one talent man in the story of the talents, sometimes I lose my nerve. I question and I am tempted to just bury it. Because someone else can do it better. What can I possibly contribute to the world with my small and limited talent?

The thing that I seem to keep forgetting is that this isn't about me. It isn't about who approves of me or who accepts me or who I compare to. It. Isn't. About. Me.

So I'm having my own little Deuteronomy moment. I'm taking a moment to remember and tell myself the story of the Gospel and how that precious story has changed my life.

I'm refocusing. And I'm returning

My purpose is to bring glory to God. To let His light shine through me. To tell the story of His amazing grace in my life.

What He does with that is His business.

Adventures in Walking

I wrote this in August of 2011.

So I was walking along, oblivious to the world. Enjoying the evening--have I mentioned the evenings in Central California are the best evenings anywhere? Well, they are.

So I'm walking along, and a good song comes on so I get a little extra pep in my step....when out of the corner of my eye I see something running fiercely in my direction. I turn and see this GARGANCHUAN dog running at me.

Now, I'd like to stop right here to say that I have what I consider to be a healthy fear of animals. You will never read about me getting choked to death by my pet boa constrictor.

Also, I have a fairly nice sized knowledge of dog breeds and their corresponding personalities stored away.

With that being said...

I'm standing there and I see this huge dog...lips flapping in the wind putting his razor sharp teeth on display, its tongue hanging out, eyes all red and drooping and the skin around the eyes getting caught in the wind making the red around it's eyes more visible...very reminiscent of several sharks I've seen. All of that foreknowledge goes out the window. There is a dog running at me and all I can think of is PIT BULL.  I immediately start screaming.

Keep this in mind...all of this was happening whilst music was playing in my ear drum. So i have no way of knowing how grossly overboard the screaming went...but I can assure you...IT WAS LOUD...AND SHRILL. And probably unhelpful.

I'm standing there picturing the scene from Mark of the Lion where Hadassah is getting eaten by the lion. Yeah. Seriously, I'm picturing meat and bones and blood.

Not good.

All the while the dog is just prancing around me...obviously if he were going to eat me he wouldn't be so UNthreatening. And I realized it was some sort of boxer mix and NOT a pitbull at all.

So just as I BEGAN to realize the dog probably didn't have rabies and wasn't going to rip my flesh from my bones, I was starting to calm down and stop screaming, I realize there's a big, burly, long haired, long bearded scary looking man running toward me...WIELDING A HAMMER! To this I'm thinking...oh great...the dog was just to get me to stop now this huge man is going to kill me.

The man says something to me...and it finally occurs to me to take my earbuds OUT of my ears. So the man is telling me (while trying to wrangle the dog...who will not be wrangled) how the dog won't hurt me. And I'm like...yeah...thanks! I'm not really into taking safety advice from a big burly man waving a hammer around...but whatever.

Anyway, I said all that to say this:  I wasn't torn to shreds by a vicious dog.

The End.

How I Became a Rock Star...for about 30 profound seconds

A few years ago I ran a series of 5ks. During one particular race, after all of us runners had been dispatched to the starting line, the event coordinators gathered the spectators (mostly friends and loved ones of runners) around a bend in the course and instructed them to cheer as we passed through. 

We had no idea (or maybe I was the only one who didn't know) until we turned the corner. Turning that corner felt like the oxygen in the air turned to pure love that sat on my skin, permeated my crevices and intoxicated me. The closest thing to Heaven on Earth that I've experienced.

As I ran through the throng of people clapping and cheering me on, David Crowder sang How He Loves Us in my ear. 

I love Hebrews 12. I love that the writer spent the eleventh chapter reminding his/her readers of all the deeply flawed people who lived out their faith and accomplished God's will despite their sins and struggles. And then he/she says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so easily, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Every time I read those verses, I think of that race. I think of all the preparation I did. I think of how sweaty I was and how labored my breathing was. And I think about how beneficial it was for me and how glad I am that I did it.

As I run my spiritual race, I find myself holding onto "weights" and "sins". They are heavy and they really do hold me back while I'm running. So I'm in the process of shedding them. And while I am less encumbered in a lot of ways, in some ways I haven't made the progress that I would like.

So whenever I feel discouraged I read Hebrews 12 and I think of Samson, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, my Grandma Permenter and Jesus himself standing on the sidelines cheering me on as I run my spiritual race. I imagine turning that corner and seeing all of their faces...having been exactly where I am...and hearing them call out my name, raise their hands to high-five me and encourage me to keep on keeping on. My eyes refocus on Jesus and it's like a breath of fresh air, a burst of energy. I correct my running form and pick up the pace.

A Mother's Day Tale :)

I was born in a little "Indian" clinic in Cuba, New Mexico--a little town about 80 miles northwest of Albuquerque. We didn't actually live in Cuba. In fact, we didn't live in any town at all. We lived in the (literal) middle of nowhere...they hadn't even run electric or telephone lines and we didn't have indoor plumbing. My parents moved there to do mission work.

My favorite picture of my mom (which has mysteriously disappeared) is one of her standing over a washboard scrubbing clothes...because in 1982 they didn't have electricity and thus no washing machine. They had put the washboard on the tailgate of a pick up truck so she wouldn't have to bend over her swollen belly. The best part of the picture? The enormous smile on her face.

You would have thought that a pregnant woman, living in the middle of nowhere, who didn't have the most basic luxuries (like using an indoor bathroom instead of an outhouse) that all of her friends had  would not have many reasons to smile. But she did. Because what we have and where we live does not determine who we are or our level of contentment. It's a heart issue.

What I do with what I have won't change when I have more. It's a heart issue. If I can't be happy living in the middle of nowhere, with no electricity and no indoor plumbing then I won't be happy with a mansion on a hill and a flushing toilet. It's a heart issue.

Sometimes I moan and bellyache because life isn't easy or because other people's lives seem easier than mine. But you know what? It's the hard moments, the crunch times, the days where I just don't understand how I'm gonna make it through that change me the most. Those are the days I'm the most happy and thankful for in the end.

I can say yes to God with what I already have and then approach the situation with a sense of adventure and watch as God blesses me with creativity and a learning experience...setting me up to be better prepared in the future...OR I can dig my heels in and resist every inch of the way and be just as overwhelmed the next time.

Tough decision?! It shouldn't be, but it is for me. Because it really is a heart issue. One that I'm praying for and submitting to God to change.

God is good!!

Answered Prayers

So, I get a lot of questions and comments from young moms about how overwhelmed they are with whatever number of kids they have and how they don't know how I handle 5. I typically say something like I don't handle it well and that having 5 isn't much different than having 2.

But that isn't true. I've believed it when I've said it, but it really isn't true. When even ONE of my kids goes elsewhere it feels like a mini vacation. Regardless of how well behaved the kid is or how well they get along with their siblings. I really do love being with my kids. Please don't take this to mean that I don't.

I love my kids. I'm so glad they're mine. But I can't help thinking that I wish they had a better mom.

I have not been a good mom. Someone really should have called CPS on me. For real.

I was not emotionally or psychologically healthy during my childbearing years. On top of that, after Lilla was born I developed my thyroid issues and was barely functional...and I was so unhealthy in the first place that I didn't even realize I was sick. My thyroid was overworking so much that my muscles began to break down...the body was not made to function in constant 'fight or flight' mode and bad things happen when it does, If I was sitting on the floor it was EXTREMELY difficult to stand up. Walking or any activity for any length of time made me nauseated and sick...I literally threw up from doing normal every day activities...the way I would from a difficult workout.  The massive amounts of adrenaline pumping through my body constantly (from the over producing thyroid) made it extremely difficult to sleep, which presented problems of it's own. I went to the doctor once and my resting heart rate was 200. I was laying down and my heart rate was 200.

I was literally a mess. I needed help. But I was too unhealthy to ask for it and nobody knew to give it...so I didn't get it.

I eventually got the medical help that I needed but it was years before I was 'normal' again. Things gradually got better and better. Through many different avenues God has done so much work on me. It's really amazing and mind boggling to think about what my life looked like 10 years ago versus how it looks now. It's DEFINITELY not perfect, there is a lot of room for improvement, but it's better.

Recently, God has brought a lot of the darkness in my life out into the light. I've come to realize that there really isn't something wrong with me like I've always thought there was. I'm not inherently evil. And everything bad that happens in my life isn't, and never has been, my fault. I've come to recognize a lot of unhealthy behavior that I had always thought was healthy, both in myself and in others. And I've come to understand the root causes of my particular sins, addictions and unhealthy behaviors.

And sadly, I've come to understand that some relationships just can't ever be what I want and need them to be. Other people face their own problems and issues and sometimes, for whatever reason, the damage done to them renders them incapable of giving me what I want from them. And I need to stop expecting the relationship to be different or keep thinking that if I could ever just be a good enough person that things will change.

I've said all of this to say that the culmination of all of this is a lot of prayer. I pray on a daily basis for my kids and my husband. And lately, I've been asking Him to teach me how to love my husband and children and how to be kind and pure and self controlled and a manager of my home. And to give me relationships with older women who can teach me these things.

And you know what? He's done just that.  Over the years and through many different people. This past Saturday I attended a training seminar at my church for a women's ministry that will begin in the fall. It's based on Titus 2 and it's designed to be a structured environment where the older women and the younger women can get to know one another, the older women can teach the younger women the things they need to know and offer them the support they need.

BOOM! Exactly what I've been praying for!!! God is sooooooooooooooo good. Isn't he?!

It is stinking amazing how God works. He is so good. I am so thankful for His grace and the work He's done in my life to take the utter mess that I am and change me into something better...all for His glory!

Tough Times Call For Tough Decisions

I was born in a little "Indian" clinic in Cuba, New Mexico--a little town about 80 miles northwest of Albuquerque. We didn't actually live in Cuba. In fact, we didn't live in any town at all. We lived in the (literal) middle of nowhere...they hadn't even run electric or telephone lines and we didn't have indoor plumbing. My parents moved there to do mission work.

My favorite picture of my mom (which has mysteriously disappeared) is one of her standing over a washboard scrubbing clothes...because in 1982 they didn't have electricity and thus no washing machine. They had put the washboard on the tailgate of a pick up truck so she wouldn't have to bend over her swollen belly.The best part of the picture is the enormous smile on her face.

You would have thought that a pregnant woman, living in the middle of nowhere, who didn't have the most basic luxuries (like using an indoor bathroom instead of an outhouse) that all of her friends had  would not have many reasons to smile. But she did. Because what we have and where we live does not determine who we are or our level of contentment.

Sometimes I moan and bellyache because life isn't easy or because other people's lives seem easier than mine. But you know what? It's the hard moments, the crunch times, the days where I just don't understand how I'm gonna make it through that change me the most.

When I finally buckle down and realize that I have a choice, I can approach the situation with a sense of adventure and watch as God blesses me with creativity and a learning experience...setting me up to be better prepared in the future...OR I can dig my heels in and resist every inch of the way and be just as overwhelmed the next time.

Tough decision?! Believe it or not, sometimes in the moment it IS a tough decision for me...because my flesh wants to play the victim. But when I make the decision in advance it's not a difficult decision at all and I go into the situation with a sense of adventure and creativity so the tough moments don't seem so tough.

God is good!!

I've Got The Itch!

I have never been a shopper. When I was in college I kind of developed an unhealthy relationship with shopping. I used it to fill my voids (along with food and promiscuity).  And up until the last couple of years, while I didn't have access to a lot of money, I spent a lot of money that I shouldn't have to comfort myself. Of course, we all know THAT drill. It's not really comforting because then you feel guilty.

For the last few years God has really curbed that appetite in me. He's taught me that nothing--not shopping, not eating, not fulfilling the desires of my flesh, not inflicting pain upon myself--NOTHING will fill the God shaped hole in my heart except HIM.

The last week or so I've really had an itch to shop.

Honestly, there are a lot of things we need (Nathaniel's tennis shoes have been duct taped closed and now the duct tape isn't holding...AKA He NEEDS shoes) but there's also a very limited budget for those things...and some of them will have to wait.

I've been struggling with contentment.

I've been focusing on the fact that all of my jackets and warm clothing are too big for me...and brushing aside the fact that I have a jacket at all. I've been focusing on the fact that other people's kids have multiple pairs of shoes instead of on the fact that my kids have shoes.

It's so funny how I kind of expect God to meet my standards. If I don't have multiple pairs of shoes, God hasn't met my need for shoes...right?! Kind of like the Israelites in the desert. They didn't have 5 pairs of shoes to choose from, but they had shoes that didn't wear out. They didn't have a big Thanksgiving feast to eat every day, but they had manna.

God never said that he would buy me a pair of new running shoes, he would give my kids the same standard of living that all their friends have, or that I would have a jacket that fits. But I have running shoes, my kids are clean, fed and happy and I have a jacket.

And at the end of the day I am truly blessed. Not being able to just go and shop away my sorrows helps me to depend on God instead of a new pair of shoes. It's helps me to remember that my treasure is not here. That my focus is not on fashion. It's on Jesus.

God is so awesome! Today I am thankful for warm clothes and shoes. And that God doesn't give me everything that I think I want, because what He has to give me is always so much infinitely better.

Keeping Up with the Joneses

Me and Lilla bein' silly.

As a parent I think it's fairly normal to have a list of things I want my children to have and a standard of living I want them to live. I want them to have a magical childhood. I want them to be carefree. It's my own sort of "keeping up with the Joneses".

And up until the past few years I've kind of had a sense of entitlement about it all. And we've felt a pressure to be able to put presents under the Christmas tree, to be able to take our family out to dinner to socialize with friends and family (because that's what people do, right?!).

In the past year or so I've really realized just how ridiculous that is.

Life isn't about presents under a Christmas tree, or going to movies or eating ice cream. And while it's fun to be able to do those things, we can't do those things and still pay our bills.

We've stopped feeling pressured to keep up. Our clothes are worn, we probably won't be going to the movies anytime soon and we'll be staying at home to eat our meals....but don't feel sorry for us or think our life is less fulfilled because of those things. Because our clothes have character, our living room is our theater (we see a Tony Award worthy play every week!), and our dinner table is set and enjoyed with love. And we're less distracted (than we used to be) by material things, which leaves us more time to enjoy each other and think of others...which is what life is all about!

And that definitely works for us!

How To: Ski Ball-- Lessons from the Life of Elisabeth

I'm pretty sure there's not a person alive who enjoys life more than Elisabeth. She's a free spirit, with a song on her lips, a smile in her heart and, I'm convinced, magic in her step. She leaves a trail of sparkle everywhere she goes.

Tonight my dad treated our family to a trip to John's Incredible Pizza. Elisabeth spent most of the time at the Ski Ball game. When one game would end, without inserting more tokens, she would push the 'start' button and a new game would begin (see?! I told you she is magic!).

Elisabeth's approach to Ski ball is a unique (and fairly dangerous) one.

First of all, the balls must be named and assigned a familial position (mom/dad/sister/brother). Then, she closes her eyes and tosses the ball. Sometimes the ball heads in the general vicinity of the alley she's playing on, and sometimes not. Sometimes you can't tell which alley she's playing on because she's technically playing on them all. It doesn't matter if she gets the ball in her own gutter or the one next to her...the fact that the ball didn't roll back to her is an accomplishment to be celebrated! And believe me. Every. Single. Ball. is celebrated with a parade and dancing and giggling fit for Disneyland.

I am pretty sure I've never seen a kid enjoy Ski Ball that much. And I'm pretty sure I've never enjoyed watching a game of Ski Ball that much.

It's amazing how some people just spread joy. They don't have to tell you to be joyful...because theirs is infectious.

It's a good reminder. Not only to be joyful in even the most mundane tasks but in how our attitude affects the people around us...and that life is too short to not be silly sometimes!

Pumpkin Pie!

Today started out rough. I had this wonderful plan that I was going to work outside in our yard all day.

I wheeled the lawn mower out to the front yard, fully expecting my plans to gracefully fall into place. But after an hour of trying to start the dumb thing and actually crying (yes, I did cry over the fact that the lawn mower wouldn't start...I'm ridiculous...I know...I'm pretty sure there was a pride issue here) I finally gave up (that is painful for me to say...maybe God was workin on my pride??).

So instead I decided to wing my way through making a pumpkin pie (w/ a graham cracker crust to change it up and homemade whipped cream), completely from scratch. I researched the components of pumpkin pie and then decided to kind of wing my way through it.

Yes, those are kid fingerprints. Don't judge me. :)

I started off making graham crackers. I doubled the recipe so my family would have some to eat since they are soooooooooo good. I put half into a plastic bag and crushed them and mixed them with a little coconut oil and pressed them into a baking stone.

Then I mixed up the goop for the filling. I used honey and maple syrup as my sweeteners in place of white sugar, four eggs, typical pumpkin pie spices, a little salt, a little vanilla, some of the fresh pumpkin puree I whipped up yesterday and whipping cream (most recipes call for condensed milk but I don't have any and canned milk seems kind of yucky to me!).

I filled the crust with the filling and stuck it in the oven until it looked done to me.

 I kind of chickened out of the whipped cream but at the last minute whipped up a batch. So YUM! And just as easy as getting cool whip from the store (easier in my case because I had all the ingredients--heavy whipping cream, honey and vanilla--on hand).

I pulled the pie out of the oven and let it cool for a bit and then served up pieces--complete with a dollop of whipped cream--to my family.

 And the verdict?! While it tastes REALLY good (although probably not the best I've ever had...but it was very much fresh and THAT was a nice change)...the consistency was not what I had hoped. Using honey and maple syrup make it a little heavier, I think, than white sugar and some adjustments need to be made there.

Also, if I use the same proportions I think two smaller pans would work better...the filling struggled to get cooked completely through because it was so thick.

Overall it was a success. Not because it was the best pumpkin pie ever consumed...but because I put myself out there to create something (which has been really difficult for me to do in the past!), I did my best and even though it wasn't a complete success I learned something and hopefully my next attempt will benefit from the wisdom and experience I gained from this one.

The Crazy Bike Lady

My awesome new bike!

So today, while I was riding my awesome new bike, I caught myself talking to...myself. And not, you know, in my head talking to myself. I was actually mouthing the words.

My little luggage rack...it extends. So I can even ride it to do small shopping trips!

I'm pretty sure I'm officially our towns "crazy bike lady". Pretty soon I'll be pulling one of those child seats full of cans and bottles and swatting at invisible flies.

My super awesome cup-holder and basket!!!

Anyway, so last week Michael received an extra grant from school. Whenever we get extra money we try to really hard to use it for things that will have a long term positive effect. So we buy things like meat that are hard on our budget but that will keep in the freezer and ease the grocery dilemma.

Well, so Michael decided that we would purchase a bike for me to ride around town when the kids are at school to save money on gas. Woohoo! So far it's saved us $7.26. Not much but it will add up over time! I'm looking forward to keeping track of it.

The funny thing is, after a day of feeling really good about being able to make some purchases that we need and looking forward to making some repairs (like a broken window in our living room) we found out that the transmission on our "wild indian wagon" was going to need to be rebuilt. There went the remainder of our little cushion. And our window is still broken.

I have to tell you, I was angry. I was frustrated. I felt guilty, like I had misused our funds.

When I go to the grocery store, it's stressful. All the way there and all the way through the store I pray. I ask God to help me make wise decisions and to make purchases that will benefit my family and make the best use of our resources.

And so, when we received this extra money and I was able to go to the grocery store, I was still counting on being able to do our regular grocery shopping (I didn't purchase things like eggs that are fairly easy to come by in our normal budget...I bought meats and things that we don't normally get to buy but that will last a long time). But with the car repairs, it just wasn't possible.

You know, I guess I thought that God owed me. I thought that since I work so hard to be frugal and be a good steward that God was "rewarding" me for all my hard work and that I deserved that money. And when it was "taken away" I got a angry (wow, sounds like toddler drama!).

But Michael reminded me of something. There is a long chain of events here. And if any of the events had varied much, we would be "up the crick".

Back in June when we were returning home from Texas, our van broke down and Michael's parents let us bring theirs home. If that hadn't happened, we would not have a working vehicle (Michael's motorcycle needs some repairs), Michael would not be able to go to work or school and he'd probably have lost both.

Also, it's very interesting that we received this unexpected money just TWO DAYS before the transmission went out. If we hadn't received that money we would not have been able to pay for the repairs.

It's amazing how selfish and spoiled I am. And how easily I fall into the mentality that my good works can earn blessings from God. And that if I'm "good" God owes me good things.

It reminds me of the Israelites when they were about to enter the promised land and God warned them that in their prosperity it would be easy to forget where they had come from, where HE had brought them from and what HE had done for them. They complained about the food, they complained when they were thirsty and constantly disobeyed God, but He took care of them. Yeah, they were in a desert but He GAVE them food (they didn't even have to hunt for it, all they had to do was pick it up), He gave them water, He even supplied them with sandals that never wore out.

God is good. Yeah, we're broke again. But we are taken care of, and while I'm not going to presume to say what God does and does not do, some amazing things have happened in the last week. And there is nothing to do but to praise God for His goodness and mercy.

Changes, Changes, Yummy Changes!

I love cooking from scratch. I love using fresh ingredients in their whole-est, most natural state I can get my hands on. I've even wanted to try my hand at canning. I love the idea of having a pantry full of yumminess that has been preserved at my hand.

Gradually I've tried to cut out canned and processed foods. This week...I learned to make my own pumpkin puree! Woohoo! One step closer to not being dependent on convenience foods!

 You might think I'm crazy, and there are a lot of details that I have to work out, but starting January 1st (I actually have a feeling it will be a gradual process between now and then) I plan to begin a year of working with the freshest, whole-est foods that I can get my hands on.

Does that mean making my own butter or buying it raw and as unprocessed as possible? Can I find a dairy farmer to purchase fresh milk from? What budget-ary adjustments will I have to make? Where can I purchase unprocessed grains to grind for flour? How do I start a compost pile, an herb garden and how big of a garden should I plant next year?

I don't know the answers to all of these things. I'm currently doing research. If you have any websites or advice please send them my way.

At this point I'm excited...and a little overwhelmed by the things I don't know.

There's a lot to be done...but I'm excited to see the results and enjoy the fruit of my labor! And see the difference a whole foods diet will make in the health and lifestyle of my family!

My first use of my fresh pumpkin puree!

My Love Affair With a Fruitstand

I drive through the gravel, come to a stop, take a deep breath and get out of the car.

Walking into the midst of our local fruit stand, for me, is like a drink of milk with a chocolate chip cookie. It's like fitting the last piece of a 1000 piece puzzle after you spent hours searching for the missing piece and then finally found it stuck to your behind. It's like the epidural taking effect in the midst of labor pains (although I wouldn't know what that feels like...I'm pretty sure I can imagine).

And I am sooooooooooooooooooo tempted to spend my entire grocery budget on pumpkins and apples (and all of the other produce, nuts and locally harvested honey and squashes).

I don't know, do you think my family could survive for two weeks on only pumpkins and apples?!

Have you ever noticed how utterly breathtaking apples are? Did you know that they are members of the rose family??

I'm pretty sure I would swoon if Michael ever showed up with a bouquet of apples. Or pumpkins. (ahem! Our anniversary is in 11 days...hint, hint!)

I'm the Mom...

whose daughter shares culinary tastes with bovines.
who frequently says things like "go eat your dinner!" when I really mean "go finish your homework!" 

 who after being stuck at home to conserve gas, finds it necessary to draw mustaches on everyone in the family and head to Target...
who gets momentarily mistaken for a bank robber
who hates homework
who daily has to apologize
whose stellar ability to block out deafening noise should probably be studied by NASA.
whose tooth fairy career has failed miserably
and who is blessed beyond measure.

Guess what? (NOT Chicken Butt)

Guess what?! I'm pretty sure I never in a million years would have ever thought I would say this.

And I'm pretty sure that the people who know me best would agree.

I love running.

There. I said it. I love running!

I actually look forward to it and miss it when I don't have time to leave the house to do it.

Yeah, yeah, it hurts. And sometimes I want to stop in the middle. The awesome thing about that is...if I can get through those little rough patches...and get to the end of my predetermined running time...I end up thinking "hey, I feel like running a little further". And I do. And then I think "hey...I'm almost done, why not just run a little further?!" And I do. And I cross that finish line thinking...wow! I did that! That's amazing! And I can do it again tomorrow.

And I actually look forward to doing it tomorrow!

But tomorrow, I will not take a nap and I will go at my regular time when the delta breeze has had 12 hours to create the perfect running temperature...just for me!

Love Smells!

Ever wondered what love SMELLS like?

I'll tell you what it smells like...

it smells like chocolate chip cookies.
it smells like freshly baked bread.
it smells like freshly laundered towels and socks.
it smells like stinky feet.
it smells like Lysol Toilet Bowl cleaner.
it smells like freshly cut grass.
it smells like freshly mopped floors.
it smells like a burning candle.
it smells like bubble bath.
it smells like freshly sharpened pencils and big pink erasers.
it smells like a sweaty kid rushing through the door bursting with exciting news from the day.

I woke up with a bad attitude today. Aw...I'll be honest...it's kind of been an epidemic for the past couple of weeks.

Today I thought about attempting to cure it by taking a nap. But I baked cookies instead.

I think it was a good idea!

My Conspiracy Theory Concerning Socks

Sometimes I wonder if there is a secret sock tax that the government imposes by way of our dryer...or maybe they steal OUR socks and distribute them to their employees as part of their benefits package.

If I suddenly go missing you'll all know that I stumbled upon the governments secret sock plan....and that if you want to protect your socks...don't put them in the dryer!! :)

Or maybe there's some magnetic balance in the world that must be maintained by socks...and when there are too many socks in the world they gravitate toward a black hole until the balance is restored.

I'm just kidding. The constant stream of missing socks is quite frustrating but I'm not really a sock conspiracy theorist.

Although I would like to know where all the socks have gone.