Flawed, Unlikable, Toxic

I experience life in stages. I won’t bore you with the many I’ve traveled through in my life. 7 years ago I started a new one. The new stage was filled with therapy, spiritual counseling and Celebrate Recovery. I naturally built myself a cocoon, which meant I stopped interacting with a lot of people. I needed to learn how to deal with myself. 7 years, lots of therapy, a lot of Recovery, a lot of growth later, and I’m feeling ready to break out of that cocoon. 

I’m still processing what this looks like. I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to have the deep, meaningful relationships that my soul longs for, I have to be able to allow people to be flawed and love them anyway - to be unlikeable and still like them - to be toxic sometimes and not let go. The reality is, I am all of those things too. If I were going to cut all the people out of my life who were flawed, unlikable and toxic, I would literally not even be alone because I would have to cut myself out too. 

I think the key to this is being able to talk about it openly and honestly with the person who is flawed, unlikeable or toxic. It’s not an elephant in the room. Also, there can be no gossip. I can’t talk about the flawed, unlikable, toxic person with anyone else. The relationship has to be totally safe. Of course, there also has to be space for violation of that because as I said before, we are all toxic sometimes. And again, we have to talk about it openly and honestly. 

So maybe the root is being willing to face my own flaws, unlikability and toxicity head on, so that I can be open and willing to hear from others when they need to address it. 

If I bring this to relationships, intimacy can’t help but take root. 

What do you think?

PS I am aware that relationships do need to end sometimes. Let's have that conversation another time.

Blooming

 In passing I said, "I'd like to clean out the flowerbed."

My sweet child, wanting to do something nice for me, cleaned it out in a very different way than I intended.

I came home from work to my beautiful, beloved peonies removed from their spot.

My friend Becky told me to leave whatever roots remained in the ground, and they might grow back.

Four years passed. I had lost hope. In fact, I had forgotten that I ever did.

A few months ago I noticed something growing in the general area the peonies had occupied, but I assumed it was some kind of weed and went about my business.

Until a few days ago when I noticed this bloom. It looks suspiciously like a peony bloom.

Afraid to hope, I scoured the internet for pictures.

And guess what?! It's a peony bloom.

Four years. I waited four years. Actually, I probably only waited for one, maybe two.

This is a friendly reminder that even if you don't see any fruit from a seed you've planted or roots you've put down, don't give up.

So many of the stories in scripture involve waiting, doubting, wondering. Sometimes even trying to figure out what they were doing wrong or what they weren't doing at all. God made a promise and when it didn't happen in the way they expected or in the timing they wanted, they gave up or tried to help.

Until finally, what God had promised would happen, did.

Trust God. He's working.

Plant the seed. Lay down the root. Wait for God to give the increase.