The Captain of an Anchored Vessel

Recently God's been taking me through a rigorous process of transformation.  I was already in awe of the work He had done in me and then I realized that the things He'd already healed were just flesh wounds.  The ones he is healing now are the wounds that I washed and bandaged and didn't even know needed to be dealt with further. They are the ones festering and infected that are infecting all the areas around them.

I'm learning a lot. I've been able to pinpoint a lot of the lies that I've believed...about myself, about others and about God.  I'm sure that there are still others that I've yet to discover. 

I can't even tell you how awesome it is to be able to openly admit and receive help to deal with and stop my sin. 

One of my most prominent defects of character is gluttony.

I comfort myself with food.

I binge eat.

I have 30 more character defects though and in dealing with those I've become very passive about this one. I've sort of been waiting on God to make a move FOR me.  I had kind of decided that maybe God wants me to be fat...maybe there's some larger purpose. Like being obese is some ailment that just happened to me.

YES! God gives me the power, but He's not going to turn me into a robot because I claim to be surrendering to His will. The Captain of a ship directs the ship, but if the anchor is down, no matter where the ship is directed...IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Truly surrendering to His will is letting Him lead. Follow the leader only works if the participants FOLLOW THE LEADER. They can want to follow, they can say they follow, they can follow in their head...but unless they actually physically follow...the game doesn't work.

It is NOT His will for me to sin and abuse my body.

My body is the temple of the Lord...and I'm keeping it in such ill repair that I can't, and in some cases simply won't, live for Him in my full capacity.

That is NOT His will. 

Yes. He loves me. Jesus blood covers me...every last fat roll. 

Gluttony is sin. And sin is never His will. God's will for me is to bring Him glory. And I can't be passive about that.

I'm not going to make any grand declarations about what I am or am not going to do.  All I'm saying is it's time to pull up the anchor and let my ship go where the Captain leads it.

Sissy Stuff!

So I've done some pretty tough workouts.  I'd already done some before I joined Crossfit.  But then I joined Crossfit.

And then I unjoined Crossfit.  I loved the workouts but I didn't enjoy parting with that much cash every month.

So after I unjoined Crossfit I kind of took a hiatus from working out. I hadn't done that in several years.  I would occasionally do something. But I would try to workout at the level I had previously worked out at and I would end up puking and feeling like I was going to pass out and not able to finish.

Because after doing those awesome workouts where I felt strong and awesome...well, honestly I mostly felt whipped and like throwing up but after I got over THAT I felt strong and awesome...stuff like walking just seemed like 'sissy stuff' (btw, I totally hear the rabbit from Disney's Robin Hood saying that!).  And since my body could no longer handle the tough stuff, I would brood the fact that I had allowed myself to regress so much and just do NOTHING.

It's hard to start over.  It's hard to admit that I've let myself get back to the point where I have to.

It's necessary though if I ever want to actually get back to and go beyond where I was.  Which I do. It's time to let go of the past, learn what I can from it and press toward the future.

The thing is though I'm starting over, but not from scratch.  I'm wiser.  I've grown.  And not just in size.  I know that I'm more than a number on a scale, my deadlift one rep max or my dress size. I'm a daughter of the King.  A sinner saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ.  I have been set free!

So while I'm briskly walking along, I'll be thanking God for the progress I'm making and for the opportunity to start fresh...and giving myself grace for the necessity of it!

Have you ever had to start over? Is there something you need to 'start over' with?

Unbalanced Scales

In the last 3 years I have lost 148 pounds and regained 50 of them.

For two years I found it almost easy to only eat the things I should and only in the appropriate portions...with few exceptions.  I tracked my food, went to Weight Watcher meetings, weighed myself once a week and worked out on a regular basis.

For the first time in my life I was sure of my salvation and reveling in my intimate relationship with God.  And each week as I stepped on the scale I received affirmation that God was working in my life.

And then I got to my lowest weight.  And hovered there for around 9 months. But Weight Watchers and BMI standards said I still had 20 pounds to lose before I could be considered a normal weight.  I worked out for hours a day, stuck to my points and I STILL hovered at that number on the scale.

All of that time I had friends and family telling me how muscular I was and respond in shock when I informed them I needed to lose 20 more pounds.

The longer I hovered the more discouraged I got.  I would cry out to God and ask Him why He had left me.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I sin...and there are plenty of things that God could send me straight to hell for...but by His grace I am saved! But I couldn't understand what had changed.

You see, I had been letting that scale gauge my relationship with God. If it went down, everything was good, God loved me and He was pouring His grace into my life.  So when the scale stopped moving, I assumed that God had left me.

Yesterday He really opened my eyes to the fact that the scale had really become something way beyond a piece of feedback. It had become an idol of sorts. I let it define my world. Even my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

He hasn't left me.  He never left me.

How ridiculous of me.

So what does this all mean?  Are all the problems in my life solved? No. Does this mean the pounds are going to start melting off? Probably not.

What it does mean is that I am committing to staying off the scale for now.  It's about living by the Spirit.  Not the scale.  I do want to lose weight. But I mostly want to lose the weights that are holding me back while I am running the race that my Father has set before me.  Does that mean physical weight loss? Probably. Because it means fixing my eyes on Jesus and not food...which will lead to self control which will lead to reaping the benefits of self control.

I'm not sure if the best course of action is to continue with Weight Watchers or not.  I do know that even if I go to meetings that I will not be weighing in, at least for a while.  And the $42 it costs us a month is kind of a burden on my family, that's $42 I could add to my grocery budget!

At this point I don't want to make any sudden movements. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Because ultimately, THAT'S what I want for me.

The Title that Wasn't

It's amazing how much things can change in a year. Or even a day.

For two years I managed to be full of self control. I lost 148 pounds. I gained a lot of self confidence, developed some good habits and felt better than I had in my entire life.

But the biggest thing that happened? I had a relationship with God that I had never had before. For the first time in my entire life, I was confident in my salvation. Not because of how good I was, but because Jesus is good and died to cleanse me of my not goodness.

A year later? I'm struggling. I've gained back a good fifty pounds, and I constantly catch myself eating my feelings and repeating the behaviors that got me to my highest weight.

I could give you a sob story about how my thyroid started acting up and I had to start back on medication and all that jazz. But the truth is...you know what? I don't know what the truth is. I know that for some reason I am struggling. I know that for some reason self control is a challenge for me again.

And as I've gained weight, that ghost girl that disappeared as my relationship with Christ grew, is somehow making a reappearance. And I can't even tell you what a scary thought that is for me.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for all the people who watched me and encouraged me as I lost the weight to see me. I am ashamed.

I admit, I'm not really clear on how things really work. I believe in the Holy Spirit but I don't feel confident in saying exactly how He works in my life. But I do know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control". I believe that, I do. So why do I feel powerless and lacking self control? I'm not questioning God, I'm searching myself because I'm the loose canon in this equation.

I hope this doesn't sound depressed. I'm not depressed. Just frustrated. And pretty embarrassed. And disappointed.

Advice? Prayer? Opinions? Prayer requests? I'm open! The only thing I'm not open to is Jenny Craig. Or Nutrisystem. Or...

You get my drift! :)

Setbacks

Last week when I walked into my Weight Watcher's meeting, I knew it was going to be bad. I had forgotten to take my thyroid meds for several days in a row. So not only was my metabolism messed up, I was an emotional wreck.

After several setbacks, an unhealthy and heaping dose of beating myself up for my lack of self control, I gave up.

I stopped trying.

I didn't track or even try to control myself. I even decided to put off going to a meeting. I made myself a completely unreasonable diet and exercise plan and decided to go to a meeting later in the week.

I went to bed on Monday night planning to NOT go to my meeting.

Well, I guess at some point in the night my subconscious convinced my conscious of how ridiculous all of this was. I startled awake on Tuesday morning, jumped up out of bed, got dressed and went to my meeting.

I'd love to be able to tell you that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it was. It was every bit as bad as I was afraid it might be. I gained. 7 pounds.

Oh, it hurt. It hurt bad. I cried the ugly cry and had to leave immediately because I couldn't see or talk. (By leave, I mean I stumbled out to my car, but didn't drive anywhere until I was calm enough to see again.)

But I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Because guess what?! Success doesn't mean never failing. It means getting back up after we do. Because we're human. We are going to fail. Repeatedly.


Perfect just isn't in our repertoire. But growth is.

To grow we have to learn. And sometimes to learn, we have to fail.

"A setback is the perfect setup for a comeback"

Are you behind on your Bible reading plan?

Did you give up on healthy eating or exercising months ago?

Tempted to give up on a goal because it seems like you're not getting anywhere?

Don't give up! Whatever setback you're facing could be a stepping stone to success!

Face it, own it, learn what you can and start fresh!

This, or Something Better?

I guess I've mentioned before that I've been on a big fat plateau for like 9 months now.

Not because the plan doesn't work. And when I say "the plan" I mean eat healthy in general and exercising.

The plateau is partly a result of my wacky thyroid, and partly me allowing the hard moments to steer me off course.

So I've been working with an awesome and very talented life coach to get me back on track. And let me tell you, yesterdays session was A. MAZING! She did this little exercise to help me figure out what my top 5 reasons for wanting to get to my goal weight are. When we finished she repeated it all back to me like I was saying it to myself and had me in a puddle of tears.

After the call she sent me an email that she's asked me to post all over my "world". On the fridge, on the pantry doors, on the bathroom mirror, in the car...everywhere to remind myself of what I'm doing. And at the end she included a little phrase to help me put it all into focus. This (food, or whatever momentary pleasure is getting in the way of my working toward my goals), or something better?

When I'm working toward a goal...sometimes it's hard to deny myself momentary pleasures for the hope of something better. Sometimes I think that one little thing won't matter...or I convince myself that it's not working anyway...so what's the point of denying myself?!


In those moments, it helps to remind of myself of what I'm ultimately trying to achieve and how it will feel to achieve it. To remember that God is on my side and He's working for me and in me to accomplish His dreams for me.

So, without further adieu...here's my list...

My Most Important Reasons

for Wanting to Reach my Weight Goal

·     I want to be healthy so that I can feel good and take care of my family
·     I want to be a healthy role model for my family and friends
·     I want to finish what I started
·     I want to have the confidence to pursue other dreams
·     I want to be able to help and encourage others to reach their goals
This (bag of cookies, cake batter, milk shake or whatever it is I'm craving in the moment), or something better!

I think I'll go with something better!

How about you? This, or something better? 

What's your something better? What are your reasons for wanting to reach your goals? How will it feel to achieve them? Is there something you might need to deny yourself in order to achieve them?

Who Am I?

When I first began losing weight, I didn't know anyone who had lost the amount of weight I needed to lose, and kept it off.  I scoured the internet and searched Weight Watchers success stories and very few people had lost the amount of weight I needed to lose successfully, and even fewer had kept it off. Even some of the people who won The Biggest Loser had gained all of their weight back!


It seemed impossible that I could be the one.  I mean, if all of these wonderful people hadn't done it, who did I think I was even TRYING to do it?!

So I approached it all with a wary eye. I told myself that I didn't know how far I would make it, but that I was too desperate not to try.

So I took it one day at a time, and the weight began to come off.

Today, I'm down 145 pounds and I have 30 more pounds to go.

After two years and a seven month plateau...I still don't know how far I'm going to make it.

What I do know is that I can "run" a whole lot better without these weights holding me back while I'm running. I know that God loves me and that He is my Savior and the real champion in all of this. I know that I felt hopeless...I WAS hopeless but God took this hopeless girl and turned it all around. And as miserable as I was, He chose just the right moment...anytime before that and I may have mistaken HIS power for my own.

And that, my friends, would have been tragic.

God is so good.

What are you facing that seems hopeless? What are you afraid to try?  And what can I do to encourage you?

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man...and Chocolate Cake

I ran for the first time in a while today. Honestly, I'm not even sure when the last time I ran was. I think it may have been sometime in February.

I'm not saying I've been sedentary...I've done a lot of bike riding and walking...I just haven't ran.

But today I NEEDED to run.

I was having a moment. Actually, I was having several moments right after I ate a large piece of chocolate cake. I was having a moment where I couldn't see the victory at the end of the struggle...where that big ol' piece of cake was kicking my "can-do-attitude" in the boo-tay.

So I put my running clothes on and headed out the door.

The thing is, running is against my nature. It requires a level of faithfulness that I find difficult, sometimes, to muster. It means bounding from one foot to the other...repeatedly...for long periods of time. Which, for an overweight female, can be kind of painful.

But sometimes it's necessary to do hard things, because it's the hard things that change us the most. It's the hard things that show us who we really are, and who God is. Running clears my head...and I typically spend most of the time either praying or mouthing the words to praise songs...both of which do wonders for my soul.

Well today, my run reminded me that God loves me, that He's on my side and that He's bigger than that GINORMOUS piece of chocolate cake!

It was a good run...and I'm excited to head out again tomorrow!

God is so good to me!

Bon Voyage!

So, I gained today. Three. Pounds.

I have to say it is hard to accept. And typically, I scour the past week for what I did wrong. And that's a good thing.

But today, I feel tired. Because after 7 months of doing that and working constantly and then being disappointed, I'm tired.

And so, for this week, I'm taking a break.

Yeah, I'm sure that if I look back I'll find something I could have/should have done differently (although I feel sure NOT three pounds worth). But I just need a break. I need to focus on other things. Because really, this weight loss thing is just a means to an end. 

So this week, I'm not going to focus on losing weight, I'm not going to agonize over my gain and what I need to learn to improve my success this week. I'm going to rest.

I'm going to focus on Jesus and being a mom, a wife, a homemaker, a servant and friend.

Am I going to count points? Yes. Am I going to be active? Yes.

Honestly, my week might not look much different from the outside. The difference may only be on the inside...in my thoughts and in my heart. But I can tell you that I already have felt a weight lifted from my shoulders...even though I have to constantly remind myself to let myself rest.

I don't know what my next weigh-in will hold. But for now, the part of my brain that keeps saying "hey loser! get to your goal weight already! Or at least lose SOMETHING!" is on vacation.

And all I can say is...BON VOYAGE!

Face it, Own it, Learn What You Can and Start Fresh!

The first time, after I began going to Weight Watchers, that I stepped on the scale to see a gain I was crushed.

The week before I had reached the 40 pound mark and had finally decided to try working out.  Being a fan of the Biggest Loser and hearing other people talk about Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, I decided to give it a try.

If you've never tried one of Jillian's workout videos...they're tough! Especially for a girl over a hundred pounds overweight.

Every day that week I talked myself into doing the twenty minute workout and I was so excited to see what the scale held in store for me that week!

Well, I stepped on the scale to see a 3 pound GAIN. I admit it...I cried. I cried the ugly cry at the Weight Watchers.

Since then I've had many a gain. Some deserved, and some not. But every gain has taught me something...whether deserved or not.

Some taught me that I'm really not that good at guestimating, some taught me that I really do need to get up off my butt and workout and sometimes you just have to keep on keeping on until the number on the scale gets with the program.

 
I think the most valuable lesson I've learned is in being faithful. Showing up even when it's tough and I have a million excuses to stay home. Rain, shine, loss or gain, every week I show up to face that scale.  I get on that scale, accept the number, own the actions that put it there, learn what I can, let go of the rest and I step off with a clean slate.

Did you make a resolution that you're struggling to keep? Already resigned to failure?! Don't give up! Face it, own it, learn what you can, let it go and start fresh!!! You can do it!!

God Revealed in Nature

My food philosophy is very closely tied into my faith in God. My philosophy basically is that God made us so He knows what's good for us. And so I try to eat things as closely to what He originally made as possible. I prefer food in it's most natural state.

This has been a process for me. When I got married and became responsible for meal planning and shopping for my family boxed mac and cheese and cereal were regular staples in my cupboards. I NEVER bought real butter...margarine is cheaper after all! I placed the value of foods on how cheap and quickly  they could be prepared and still taste yummy.

When I developed an auto immune disease around 6 years ago, I really began to change my view of food. My priorities in regard to food changed dramatically.

And then I became pregnant with twins and I was determined to carry them full term. So I put my faith in God and I did what I could with nutrition to insure a safe and healthy pregnancy. I ended up carrying them full term and delivering them at home (not on purpose!) and having a healthy 8# 4oz boy and a 6# 13oz girl. Praise God!

All of my pregnancies taught me something about God. He made our bodies and He knew what He was doing when He did it. And so obviously the things that He has provided for us to eat are what is going to make our bodies function at their best, right?

My most recent stepping stone in this process is making a commitment to buying and using only seasonal produce. Not only is it more cost effective to do this, it supports more local agriculture and it has health benefits as well! God is amazing! I mean, think of the health problems people face in the winter...colds, flu, infections of all sorts. Now think about the produce that is in season during this time...lemons, oranges, apples, pears, lettuce...all of which are rich in vitamin C, super antioxidants and fiber (which cleanse our body of bad stuff). God gave us what we need to fend off these illnesses...exactly when we need it!

For me, putting it in that light gives me purpose. (I'm not saying this is a moral issue and if this is not a priority for you, then please understand I'm not saying it necessarily should be...I understand that we all have different views and priorities!). But I love finding God in ways that I never have before. I love seeing Him while I'm grocery shopping...or while I'm preparing a meal for my family. It helps me to refocus and realize that all of this only matters because of Him, and it reminds me to be thankful because I am truly blessed!

Me? A Runner?

Today I signed up for what will be my 3rd 5k.

When I signed up I had two choices...I could go for the untimed noncompetitive 5k and do a walk/run combo or I could sign up for the timed 5k run.

The rules are very clear.

If you sign up for the competitive/timed run...there is no stopping to walk.

So, which one do you think I signed up for? The reasonable one? The one that most fits my fitness level? The one where I CAN WALK IF I NEED TO?!

No, no I did not.

Am I nuts?! Probably.

The thing is, I don't consider myself a runner. And I will admit that, in my 2 event 5k history, I haven't trained at all.

Well, I'll tell ya what. Today I started training. Because I'm scared.

So, I'm sure you're asking yourself...if I know this is nuts, why did I do it?

I'll tell you why I did it.

I did it because I know that I have absolutely no chance at being the best or winning. In fact, I'm probably going to come in last. And because I need to learn to be okay with that.

I stop myself from doing things I want and need to do because I'm not as good as another person who does it.

I need to beat my mind and body into submission so that I don't stop working/serving/loving because I don't do it as well as somebody else. I need to learn that it's still worth the effort.

I'm going to train and prepare my mind and body for this race.  And I'm going to give it my best shot. Whatever the end result of that is, I'm willing to accept it.

Loser or Not?

I haven't been being as open about my weightloss/or lack thereof lately. I'm not sure what that means.

I do have my reasons.

Out of the past 5 weigh-ins I've gained 3 times. I was not emotionally ready to share that information. Because while most people mean well and are encouraging...there are the people who think I've gone back to my old habits and lecture me about what I'm doing wrong. And when you're working hard it's difficult to have someone tell you that you're doing it all wrong...especially when they don't know what you're doing at all.

Last weeks gain, I'm pretty sure, was the result of a heavy workout schedule. I hadn't worked out like that in a couple of months and restarting always makes me gain.

But, I have to admit, these past two weeks have been challenging for me. Trying to figure out what's going on and rededicating to everything and assessing to find areas where I need improvement.

Today and last week are the first time in the past 13 months where I've been tempted to not weigh-in. I did weigh-in last week and I will weigh-in today.


I am scared today. I'm afraid of the emotions I'll feel if there's another gain. Afraid that I AM going to fall off the wagon and just go back to my old habits. Afraid that I'm going to be stuck here and give up and not lose anymore or get to my goal weight.

Because I have to admit...I'm shocked that I've made it this far. I honestly don't think that I thought I ever would. I think I thought that I'd be fat for the rest of my life.

It's scary. I'm scared. I know that a gain would just provide me with an opportunity to grow...and I want to grow.

So if God has a gain for me today...then I'm (trying to be) okay with that. I want what He wants for me.

I just hope he wants me to lose! and not gain!