Wife Fail! :) Lesson Learned

I attend Celebrate Recovery every Thursday night. It's a Christ centered 12 step recovery program. It's for anyone who has a "hurt, habit or hang up" that they need help overcoming. It's a tool to help people grow to be more like Jesus.

One aspect of the program is called "share group". Basically, each participant gets an opportunity to share whatever is on their heart, without being interrupted, in a completely safe environment.

Confession: I used to really dislike share group. Because suddenly when it's my turn my mind goes blank and I can barely form a coherent sentence. But I have participated because I trust the process and I assumed that at some point it would "click" and I would "get it" and be glad I went.

Well, I think the day has come.

The other day Michael started to tell me a story. It was about something that had hurt his feelings and was bothering him.

He didn't even get finished before I said something to the effect of "that shouldn't hurt your feelings".

He immediately stopped talking.

In my mind I was helping him see the situation differently so that he would feel better about it. But it was rude. And arrogant. And unhelpful.

I should have just listened silently. Instead of trying to fix or help, I should have just listened. Because the benefit of any advice I could have given would not have done for him what just letting him talk it out and process it would have done.

People need that. People need to be heard. People need a safe environment to share what's going on in their hearts and to process it so they can move on. And I'm supposed to be out sharing God's goodness with others and this is one way I can and should be doing that. The Body of Christ should be one big, giant safe place.

But how can I bear anyone else's burdens if I don't listen long and well enough to hear the problem? How can I be sad with people who are sad if I am telling them why they shouldn't be sad? How can I hear their heart if I'm talking?

I eventually got to hear the rest of the story. But it took a while. Because on top of the hurt he was already feeling, now he felt scolded and rebuked for feeling his feelings. Not cool, Hannah, not cool.

I think I've learned my lesson though. I'm not saying I'll never mess up but I intend to be super intentional about it. It is my mission. To listen. Not fix, not help, not criticize, not think up some (not so) sage advice. Just. listen. Intently. And with my whole heart.

Because you deserve it. No matter who you are. No matter what you've done. You deserve it.

James 1:19
Proverbs 18:13
Proverbs 18:2
Proverbs 10:19

Why There IS Hope for the Rest of Us Even Though Bennifer Didn't Make It

I read an article the other day where a young woman lamented the break up of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and quarried that since THEY couldn't make marriage work that "there is no hope for the rest of us".

Now, I don't know what the circumstances of their divorce are and I don't need/want to know, but I want to be clear that there absolutely are situations where divorce is the only option. If a partner refuses to change or get help divorce may be the right choice.

But after many moments where I didn't know how we were going to make it or if I could keep on loving, I believe with all of my heart that there is hope for the rest of us.

Not because it is always fun and not because it always feels good, because it isn't and it doesn't. Living with someone, hearing them pass gas in the night and making major and minor life decisions with them day in and day out is going to lead to some tension. And the deep and ugly sin that I've managed to hide from every other person in my life is to my marriage what a major break in the foundation is to a house. It gets worse with time. It affects everything...even small things like the way a chair rolls across the floor.

But sin and struggle don't make a marriage bad and they don't mean there's no hope.

Marriage has led me to Jesus. And God has used it, more than anything else, to transform me into the likeness of His Son.

I believe with all of my heart that there IS hope and here's why I believe that...

1. God is good. He made marriage and He called it good and He Always Tells the truth.

2. God loves us and provides for us. He made woman because man was alone. And then when they sinned He concocted this amazing and intricate scheme to redeem us from it. Amazing love! How can it be!?!

3. The gospel is powerful. It is sharper than any two edged sword. It changes lives. God promises that anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart will find Him. And finding Him produces fruit. Good fruit. And good fruit in my life will produce good fruit in my marriage.

It does. I know. The gospel has changed me. It has transformed me from the bitter, negative attention seeking, lying, suicidal girl I was into a hopeful, forgiving, honest, live-for-Jesus girl. I'm not perfect. I have lots of areas that are in need of growth but I'm on the path and I praise God for that!

4. Free will. I have a choice. A good marriage is an intentional one. "Not getting along" is not something that just happens...it's a choice. Good, Christ honoring marriages don't just happen.  It is a decision...

• to forgive. Over and over and over. The way God, through Christ Jesus, has forgiven me. It isn't an emotion that either comes or doesn't. It is a decision and it is MADE. 

• to hold my tongue when I should, communicate when it's time and confess when I'm wrong. It is my responsibility to communicate respectfully. Complaining and criticizing are different than communicating the tools that Michael needs to be a good husband to me. Complaining and criticism belittle and provoke him, communication empowers him. 

• to love him deeply. Because love covers a multitude of sin. He's flawed just like me. And just like me he needs someone to know all of his stuff and love him anyway. 

• to be transformed. Gravely wronging someone, being gravely wronged and then committing to work it out and make it good anyway requires major renovation of the heart. It requires continual surrender. If I let Him, God can use my marriage to make me like Jesus. But it's not a passive thing, it's a decision I have to make. Over and over and over and over and over and...you get my drift. :) As my heart is renovated, my marriage is too. 

There is hope. There is so much hope for my marriage in Jesus. And Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and their ability to keep it together have nothing to do with that.

Getting Real About Marriage

A little over a year ago, I wrote this post about my marriage. (And then about 6 months ago I wrote this one)

I kind of laugh at myself now because I didn't even know how unperfect my marriage was.

The truth is, I'm feeling a little bit cynical these days. I have a hard time reading anything about how to have a good marriage, because most of it seems so naive. And because I've taken so much of that advice and worked hard to implement it and I have still ended up where I have ended up. Broken. In a broken marriage. With a broken man.

We don't struggle with fighting about underwear on the floor. I mean, we might bicker about that periodically but it's never really about the underwear on the floor. 

Basically, his character defects and addictions have spent the last 15 years colliding with my character defects and addictions and now there's a desperate need for a "clean up on isle"...us. All this time we thought the mess was normal and okay and what we deserved. So we lived in it. And as we lived in it, it grew. 

I finally realized a few years ago that it wasn't normal and that things really could be different and so I started reading books and blogs about how to do it better...how to clean up this mess I'd made. And it did get cleaned up. Things got better and better. 

But it was like trying to clean up the water from a leak in the roof without fixing the leak in the roof. 

So, here we are fixing the leak in the roof. And I keep having to remind myself and hear the truth that I can't fix it by myself. 

The thing is, I can't fix my marriage without fixing me. A bridge can't be stable if the individual components aren't stable. A bridge can only be as strong as the individual structures that hold it together are. 

Our marriage can only be as strong and stable as Michael and I are. It can only be as Christ like as Michael and I are. 

And so we're working on our marriage by working on ourselves. We are surrendering to the changes that God sees fit to make in our lives. And we are loving each other deeply in the process. 

The Day I Witnessed Superman Being Clark Kent

I think that super hero stories have their roots in the sometimes magnificent transformation a man can make from home to work.

My brother is super quiet around people he doesn't know. But the first time I witnessed him excel in a sales position in a department store...it was like he had stopped in a phone booth on the way to work and transformed into his super hero self  It was like he was a completely different person. He was confident and FRIENDLY. HE WALKED UP TO COMPLETE STRANGERS AND STARTED A CONVERSATION.  

Maybe they're super heroes at home and turn into their super nerdy alter ego when they are at work. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, it's pretty neat to witness.

Michael is an IT contractor for an international law firm in downtown Dallas. He keeps the lawyers computers and other technology working properly so they can serve their clients thoroughly.

I don't usually get to see him "in action". In fact, I guess I've never really seen him at work before. Which seems weird, but it's true. But with his current position, he takes a week out of the month to be "on call"...which means that lawyers all over the world call him for help with their laptops and smartphones. So he gets calls at all hours. 

I have to be honest, I didn't know where Abu Dhabi was until this weekend when he had to get up in the middle of the night and go to his office to help a lawyer practicing there. 

Anyway, so last Friday night he got a call from an irate lawyer who was locked out of his computer. This man is dropping F bombs and poop euphemisms like they were bread crumbs leading him to the Promised Land. Michael patiently listened and then calmly and confidently affirmed his feelings of frustration and then redirected the conversation to finding a solution. Over. And over. And over again. 

I was totally impressed with how professional and kind he was to this man. I got to see Superman as Clark Kent or maybe it was Clark Kent as Superman. Either way, I got a little glimpse of the other side of the magic...and I am in awe. :)

Broken Together

So, two people meet.  They "fall in love".  Then they encounter some type of obstacle and they almost don't make it...but they do and they live happily ever after.

So, I used to think that the Hollywood version of love couldn't be farther from the truth, but these days I think it's actually fairly accurate. Sort of.

In real life we meet, we're attracted to one another, we spend time together and decide to get married.  Then we encounter some type of obstacle and we wonder if we're going to make it. We either do or we don't but if we do, we're deeper in love.  And then it all starts again.

It's like an onion. (Donkey was onto something!) Onions are stinky. But to get to and deal with the stinky part that's actually offending my eyes and nose, I have to peel the layers off. Start with the skin.  It doesn't make a ton of difference but it's progress.  Progress is great and feels amazing but I get through one layer and revel in the awesomeness just as I realize there's another layer.

And sometimes it takes lots of peeling and lots of work to actually get to the core...to the source of the stink. And with every layer that gets peeled off the eyes burn more and the stink gets worse.

Yes, we could have been happy just leaving the onion whole or with any level along the way. But that would mean being okay with our individual sin...rejecting Jesus and His work in our lives.

And yes, this is hard. I have wondered so many times if we were going to make it.  There were times when I honestly thought I was going to break. Somehow I always find the strength to keep holding on and we eventually get to the other side...another layer peeled off. It feels great and we revel in it and praise God for it.

And then we realize there's another layer. Thanks to God and the people and help He's brought into our lives I think we may have actually reached the core. Our sin and the roots of it.

So that's where we are. Layers peeled off down to the core and God is working to neutralize the stink so He can build us back up sans the offensive odor that had colored and completely devoured every layer of our lives.

So, it isn't the easy slippers-and-pipe life that I always thought it was.  I always thought that if you loved each other...there wouldn't ever be problems.

But we're broken people. So our marriage is broken too. We can love each other through the brokenness because God loved us through it first. We're broken together.

On Having a Perfect Marriage

It all started when I was an adolescent.

I started reading books about how to find the perfect husband and have the perfect marriage. Because I wanted both. I also wanted to be the perfect wife whose husband would adore me 24/7.

Since I've been married, I've read MORE books about how to have the perfect marriage. Because I didn't have one.

I read these books and implement what they say expecting that if I do I will have the perfect marriage I've always dreamed of. And then I mess up. Or he messes up. And just like that my hopes of having a perfect marriage are dashed again and I move on to the next book.

Even though in my head I've always known it would NEVER be perfect, because we're not, I go around feeling like a complete loser because we're not. I compare the dirt under the foundation of our house to everyone else's hardwood floors that they've prepped for me to see.

Books are great. Everyone should read books. Blogs are great. Everyone should read blogs. Seminars are great. Everyone should go to seminars. But we also have to remember that even if we read all the books and blogs and go to all of the seminars...we cannot perfectly implement all of the good information all of the time. The people who write the books and blogs and host the seminars don't have perfect marriages or lives.

And guess what?! It doesn't mean we've failed. It means we're human. It means we need Jesus.

It doesn't matter how much you have in common with someone, they are eventually going to get on your nerves.  And you might find out things about each other that neither one of you ever wanted any other human being to know about you. And if you truly invest in the level of intimacy that God intended for marriages to have...there will probably be conflict.

I've never been able to implement all the stuff in all the books I've read. But each book has spurred me on to love and good works. And some area of my marriage has improved because of it. And the thing is, small changes over time make a big difference.

I don't have a perfect marriage. But I do have a redeemed one. And the really awesome thing is...the only explanation for the difference is Jesus. Left to our own devices our marriage would be...well...what it was for a long time and worse. He has made all the difference.

I got this photo here.

Being the Prodigal Daughter

If you read my Love at First Sight? or Letting Go of Perfection: Work in Progress post or if you know me at all, you know that our dating life was marked by sin. And our marriage has been far from perfect.

At the time, I didn't even know how much that sin affected me.  In fact, it's taken me years to realize just how much it did.

It went on for months and the fact that I was able to do something that went against everything I had been taught and personally believed for that long a time...well, the Bible talks about what happens when you do that. But the thing is, it actually went on for longer than that. It was a gradual thing, little by little I violated my conscience more and more until ultimately, I didn't even care that I violated it in the ultimate sense.

We had a wedding. We had a honeymoon. We went through the motions. But now, it's really hard to even think back on any of that because it's so marked by sin. And those old feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming if I dwell on it.

It's hard to pinpoint the moment that God began to redeem our lives. I'm not even sure there is a pinpoint. What I do know is that He did and He is. It's more of a process than a defining moment. I feel like the process (for me, Michael's story is his own to tell) really began about 5 years into our marriage when I started a series of "Give ups".  I realized that satan's life plan for me wasn't working and I was tired of trying to make it work. So I gave up. And a few years later...under different circumstances I "gave up" again. Not the same "give up"...a different, more defining one...and since then I've had another or two.

Like an artist sculpting a statue out of a large piece of rock...God has been chainsawing away at the large unwanted pieces of rock. And with each piece gone He's getting closer to the image in His head.

I know that at different points in all of this our families were wondering where this...our marriage...was going. I know they must have been afraid and frustrated and angry and embarrassed. And I'm sorry for that. I wish that others didn't have to suffer for our sin.

But I'm so glad that we didn't give up. I'm so glad that God didn't give up. I'm so glad that we stuck around long enough to enjoy the fruit of not giving up. To see the good in not giving up. Because while I would NEVER want to leave anyone with the impression that we are (or think we are) perfect or without flaws or struggles on a daily basis...we're not, we don't and we do...things are good. Even in the moments of struggle we can see God's grace in our lives. In honest and raw conversations that end in calmness and prayer instead of physical violence. In trust in God to see us through instead of blame and isolation. In compassion and forgiveness instead of condemnation and pride at the discovery of sin. In the reduction in the amount of time required to bounce back from a disagreement. He's here.

Those years were hard. I wouldn't recommend them to anyone. But they've made me thankful. I feel like I have some sense of how the Prodigal Son must have felt when he came home. Humbled, surprised and overwhelmingly thankful for God's grace!

How GREAT is our God?!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Sometimes it's difficult to really put my finger on what is actually different about our marriage.  Yes, we're happy. That's different.  Yes, we get along.  That's different. Yes, we feel connected more than ever before. That's different too.

I guess the really difficult thing for me to pin down is the cause behind those effects.  Even though I know that ultimately that Cause is God.

I can't really tell you a lot about how Michael has changed, and I don't really think that's my place.  He has his own story to tell and I'll let him do that when and if he's ready.  For now, I'll just tell mine.

Not long ago I was stuck in a shopping center and spent the time in a book store where I flipped through Shaunti Feldahn's latest book.  I usually read books on marriage taking notes on things I need to change.  But this time was different.  I came to one section where she was explaining that "happy couples" had a general sense that the other person cared about them...and I totally smiled to myself because that was something I had been thinking about recently...because THAT is another change.

I have a general sense that Michael loves me.  I know before he tells me.  And when he does something insensitive, I don't lose that sense.  So why the change?  Did Michael change? Probably.  But I think the problem in that area was me all along.  For the first six to seven years of our marriage I didn't feel that way. I often felt like he didn't care for me because I had an idea in my head of what someone who cares about you does to show you they care about you. And he didn't do those things.  As a result almost every area of our marriage was tainted.

But when I finally realized and pin pointed the way he shows love...I can see it all the time.  He researches my phone options, keeping in mind my likes and what will serve me best, and then goes and buys it for me so I don't have to go through the rigamarole.  He brings the van back to me full of gas.  He's kind of an "Acts of Service" love giver I guess.  Which is kind of weird since he's a "Words of Encouragement" receiver.

I think the most important change is that I have truly felt the gravity of my sin, the desperation of being caught in a cycle and the freedom of finally getting out.  I'm not sure why I never went through this process before, but I finally did. That process has given me a new perspective toward others sin and Michael's in particular. I don't feel the need to take his sin personally (I never ever thought I would ever be able to say that!), and I am free to love him in a way I never could before. I understand that he doesn't sin because he's a horrible person and he doesn't love me....he sins because he's human and that's what we do.  It's what I do.

All of this has brought a whole new atmosphere to our marriage. We can finally be real. With no strings attached.  It's not that we don't care about sin.  We do.  But we repent, we pray and we move on. But most of all, we love.

It's so amazing to look around and be able to see concrete evidence of God working in our lives.  I am truly thankful!!

Something Worth Fighting For

Confession: I'm a drama queen.

So Michael works full time and goes to school full time. And he's a music major...and if you don't know why that would make matters different, bless you!

Anyway, so I really only see him in passing from Tuesday morning until Sunday (he literally comes in, showers, changes clothes and leaves again).

Thursdays are particularly lonely for me and I always think of this line from Cold Mountain, "If you are fighting, stop fighting. If you are marching, stop marching. Come back to me. Come back to me is my request." I am particularly awful at accents of any sort so even though I say it in my best southern belle accent...I'll spare you.

And then I imagine myself as a delicate southern belle (even though in real life I'd be more suited for the role of Ruby Thewes) at home keeping house, waiting for my soldier who's off fighting some heroic battle. I imagine him reading those words and  walking on beaches and over mountains, eating crawdads and goat meat, being nursed by some old lady with bitter herbs, walking through snow and ice, moving heaven and earth to get back to me...

until finally I hear the roar of a motorcycle engine pull into our driveway.

My soldier is home.

I know, he's not out fighting a literal battle. But he is fighting. He is fighting for our family.

The best part is that he gets to come home often enough so that neither one of us forgets what he's fighting for. Because that's important. There are no deserters here, no giving up because we can't remember what we're fighting for.

This is real. We are real. We aren't perfect but we are redeemed. Redeemed by a fierce God who has fought the battle of the ages and won.

Because this is something worth fighting for.

Ten Years In

Do you know what the statistics are for couples who get married under the same circumstances that Michael and I did? I don't know either. But I know they're not good.

Someone actually told me, shortly before we got married, that Michael and I would be divorced within five years.

There is a lot of literature out there about how to deal with strong-willed people but sometimes being a strong-willed person has it's benefits.

So here we are, ten years in.

I'm not going to say it's been perfect. There have been a lot of moments that haven't even been good. I will tell you that we are the happiest we've ever been. I feel closer to Michael and we have more fun together than we've ever had before.

So, ten years in...what lessons have I learned?

Well, I've learned that whether or not I am happy is my choice and my responsibility.  If I'm not happy and my attitude stinks, it's not Michael's fault.

Michael is not only my husband, the father of my children, but also my brother in Christ. And all of the teachings that Christ did about how I should treat my neighbor...apply to my relationship with Michael.

TV shows, media and the world are not good measures of what a marriage should be. Their marriage advice comes from a worldly perspective, not a godly one. Be very careful about taking advice from them or modeling a relationship after them.

It is freeing to submit. This is probably my biggest issue.  Michael doesn't have to earn my respect or my submission. I submit to Michael because I love and trust God. He has my respect because of WHOSE he is, not who he is.

Prayer is more powerful than nagging.

God's plan is awesome. It works. It is so much better than the ones men come up with.

I suspect that at the end of the next ten years I'll still have learned the same lessons, but hopefully I'll be a little better at living them out.

"I don't want diamond sunbursts or marble halls. I just want you."

A while back my husband and I were asked to recite the most romantic moments of our marriage. It didn't take me long to come up with one moment but I couldn't really think of any others that I thought were truly romantic. I eventually did come up with another, more generic moment that couldn't really be confined to one moment.

We've gone on lots of dates, had many a candlelit dinner with soft music playing, we've spent time on the beach, we even had a honeymoon. All of those things were nice but I wouldn't consider them truly romantic.

The first romantic moment I thought of took place a few minutes after our second baby was born. We hadn't been able to pick out a name so he arrived and spent the next several hours of his life nameless. A while after the birth the midwives who assisted in Nathaniel's delivery put me in an herbal bath. I sat for a few moments peacefully by myself and then they brought me my baby. Michael sat on the commode next to us while we lazed about in the tub. I eventually handed Nathaniel to Michael and we sat there in the quiet and unity of the moment and decided on a name.

The second, like I said, isn't really one moment. It's a group of them.

Late at night, when the kids are asleep and we're lying in bed awaiting sleep, we get silly. Very silly. And we laugh. Loudly. Over things we would scoff at in broad daylight. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes I beg him to stop because my tummy hurts. It's a beautiful moment. It's like we're silly teenagers again. We forget about the zillion diapers we changed that day, the dishes we washed and the bills we weren't able to pay. It's just me and the husband of my youth reveling in the joy we find in each other.