Raising God Pleasers Instead of People Pleasers

I've spent a lot of my time as an adult doing things to please other people. Or earn their favor. Or manipulate them into giving me what I need.

This behavior is a result of my misunderstanding of my relationship with God and with other people.

It's called codependency.

I held the mistaken belief that if I just did the right things, in the right order, at the right time and with the right people...if I could just get all of that right God would love and save me.

But guess what?! It doesn't work that way. I'm never going to do all the right things in the right order at the right time and with the right people all the time. And I might not even pray for every single specific thing that I do wrong and God still loves me. And His grace still saves me.

My salvation is not based on how many prayers I say or how often I read my Bible or doing the right things and not doing the wrong things. It's based on my faith and God's grace.

It doesn't matter who approves of me or not. I'm living for God, not other people.

This shift in my belief system has changed the way I parent. I base my decisions as a parent on how they will affect my childrens relationship with God and how they "see" Him.

I love them based on our relationship. On who they are. Not how they perform. I want my kids to do the right things because they are right. Because it glorifies God. Not so other people will notice and compliment them. If they get compliments...awesome. If not...awesome. It's not about performing.

My feelings for them don't change based on how clean their room is or how many compliments or complaints I get on their behavior.

What other people tell me about my kids might affect future teaching but it doesn't affect how I feel about them. Because God's opinion of me doesn't change based on how others feel about me. He knows my heart. So when someone complains to Him about me, they are not giving Him new information. And since He knows my heart, I don't have to worry about Him believing something that isn't true about me.

And that's how I interact with my kids. Except I can't actually know their heart. But I weigh what I know about them against any new information I receive and proceed accordingly. I want them to live their life thinking about what God wants, not what other people want. I want them to live courageous lives for God because they depend on Him and His approval and aren't always performing to receive compliments or approval from other people.

I just want them to give the appropriate weight to the opinions of other people. Even mine. If my opinion or what I want them to do ever contradicts what they believe God wants them to do...then I hope they go with what God wants and ignore mine.

The bottom line is, I want my kids to depend on God, not other people for the things they need. And I want them to be secure in God's love and live for Him and His glory. I want them to be like Paul and run the race that God has set before them for God and God alone.

Can you imagine all the things that Paul would have done differently if He were overly concerned about what other people thought of him? I daresay his ministry would have looked a lot different than it did. And not in a God glorifying way.

The thing is, I'm still struggling with my own issues with codependency. I still find myself looking to other people for the things that only God can supply. And feeling hopeless and wondering whether I matter to God at times because I fail so constantly.

So I read God's word and I am reminded of the truth. God loves me. He forgives me. And He accepts me. Regardless of whether other people do.

Sometimes My Kids Set Me Straight Volume II

About a week and a half ago, my big boys were packing for Scout camp. I had planned to start early, and we did but we didn't finish early and I was headed for my old panic routine of completely flipping out. I don't even remember the specifics, but I remember that I was probably channeling the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland (OFF with their heads!).

I've always said that I want my family to be different. I don't want to yell at each other. I don't want my kids to think I'm a hypocrite. I don't want my kids to be angry at me. I don't want slammed doors and words spewed like venom.

I want love and respect. Even in disagreement. 

I used to be a yeller. As a young mom, I found myself going down a lot of roads I said I never would. 

I didn't know how to be a mom. I didn't know how to create an environment that embodied all of the things I wanted for my family. I still don't really. I know that sounds silly but I honestly was ignorant. I knew that I was supposed to clean the house and feed and bathe my children but I did not understand how to do all of that. It didn't and doesn't come natural to me. I really wish that I had asked someone to help me. But I thought I was supposed to know how to do it all, and I was too prideful to let anyone know how much I didn't know. 

God has done so much work in me. He has sent people my way to teach me and help me. I still have a looooooong way to go but I am so thankful for His work in my life. Did you notice that I said I used to be a yeller?! Uh huh. I used to be. I still mess up every once in a while but I am definitely in recovery for that.

So, in my Queen of Hearts state, Nathaniel had had enough and returned fire (via a response spoken under his breath). I reprimanded him. I was NOT prepared for what happened next. He turned to me and said "when you made that face I felt tempted to talk back to you". I had managed not to yell but apparently the look on my face was pretty rabid...I'm thinking probably Cruella DeVille-ish. Yeah, it was so bad that I have to use more than one Disney villain to fully express the awfulness.

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I actually had a hard time keeping a straight face. We've been working on using the whole "when you...I feel...I need" statements and he totally turned it on me!!! It immediately convicted me and I asked for forgiveness. 

And as they left for camp I spent time in prayer for my sweet boys and for myself. I spent the week asking God to make me a better mom and to transform me completely and to do whatever it takes to make me like Jesus. 

I'm not going to say that I am fixed and that my son will never have to let me know I've crossed the line again, but I am so glad to have them home. I really missed them but I'm so thankful that they had the opportunity to go. 

And I am thankful for the opportunity to see where I'm deficient and to surrender more fully to God's care and control and to all the changes he wants to make in my life.

My Top Ten Moments as a Mother

Being a mom has changed me as much as being a wife. 

Here is my list of my favorite moments as a mother. A lot of them weren't my favorites in my overwhelmed and massively sleep deprived, mother of 5 kids in 4 years state ...but now that my kids are older and those days are behind us I can laugh. :)

Without further adieu...or adeiu or aduie. You know what I mean. :)

10. The time Caleb scooted across the bed at like 2 months and we called our parents and said he crawled. 

9. The time we met a friend at McDonalds and didn't order any food (just drinks) while the kids played on the PlayPlace and Lilla came back to our table with ketchup on her face. Confused, I looked around the room to find a group of people laughing hysterically and pointing in our direction. She had apparently walked up to their table and helped herself to some fries.

8. The time Elisabeth made it to church with no diaper or panties on. I heard a commotion at the entrance and went to find out what it was and Elisabeth was standing with her head on the ground and her hiney in the air. With no diaper. And no panties.

7. The time I caught Elisabeth trick or treating when it wasn't halloween. And our neighbors gave her stuff.

6. The time I was 37 weeks pregnant with the twins, and went to Walmart and slipped in a puddle of urine. Nathaniel was still potty training and it was his. But it took me a while to figure it out. Still gross but at least it came from him and not a stranger! A tiny little elderly woman tried to help me up. Like a mouse helping an elephant.

5. The time I had to take all five kids out of church (there were actually a lot of times that this happened) and Lilla got away from me and started to run up the isle toward the front and I set all the other kids down and tried to catch her before she reached the front but I tripped and fell.

4. The time I had to take the twins out and Uriah wouldn't walk so I ended up literally dragging him to the back.

3. The time we went to a wedding and the floor of the church was concrete and slanted down toward the front. We let Caleb take ONE little car in. During the prayer he dropped the car...and it was loud ALL. THE. WAY. TO. THE. FRONT. and finally came to stop at the Mother of the Brides feet. We were sitting in the back. She was not happy.

2. The time I let my dad talk me into taking a road trip to CA when the twins were less than two weeks old. We all got pink eye. Even the babies.

1. The time we were in the McDonalds drive thru and Lilla climbed on top of the car. Uh huh. She did that. And many other things that could probably fill a book. Don't believe people when they tell you that girls are easier than boys. It totally depends on the personalities of both!

I am pretty sure that an army of angels has surrounded my kids throughout their lives. With all of the shenanigans we've only had to make one trip to the ER for stitches. 

On the Eve of My Son Becoming a Teenager

Tuesday I will become the mother of a teenager. It seems so strange to say that. I am way more emotional than I thought I would be. I'm not really sad that's he's growing up, I guess it's just that I'm thinking of all the things I want him to know and all the things I wish I had said and done or at least done better.

In some ways it seems like yesterday that Caleb was born. And in others, it seems an eternity away. I feel like a completely different person.

I was 20 when Caleb was born. 20 didn't seem extremely young then, but now, thinking that if Caleb has a child at 20, I could be 7 years away from being a grandparent...20 seems incredibly young. I still feel like a fraud on Mother's Day. I can't imagine becoming a grandparent in the next ten years. But it very seriously could happen.

The next few years are going to be really important. I don't know what they'll bring, but I know my God. 

 From a fleshly standpoint, I want him to have friends and be successful. I want him to go to college and get a good job and marry a nice girl, if he wants to, and have some kids and never have any problems.

But my spirit knows it can't be that simple and wants God to wreck him. Because I would rather him have Jesus than a degree. I would rather him be a disciple of Jesus (in the true sense of that) and lead a life of poverty than be distracted by this world and the things it has to offer. I want peace for him, but I want the peace that passes all understanding. I want God to do whatever it takes to mold my son into the image of His. 

The things that that could mean are scary. And they might be painful to watch. But I know that God is good. I know it. And I will spend a lot of time on my knees.

I have no delusions that he will be sinless. But I am thankful that Michael and I are learning to put away our sins and I pray that we do and our kids will see that and know that when it comes time, we can help them with theirs.

I just love him so much and I just want Jesus for him. I want him to seek God with all of his heart. I pray that in the next few years, God will direct my mothering steps and send people into his life that will lead him there.

Itchy Armpit

(I couldn't come up with a title so I asked one of my children to provide me with a title. Thus, Itchy Armpit :)

Our family endured through 6 years of public school.

We made the decision two years ago to bring our oldest son home for schooling. The public school system was not working for him and honestly, I was done trying to make it work.

Gradually over that school year we brought two more of these wild indians home for schooling. And while the two who remained in public school were doing well in that environment, we decided that home schooling is best for our family right now.

Am I saying that our kids will never go back to school? No. I don't know what the future holds. But for now, we're happy with the decision we've made, and here's why...

1.) They have more free time to learn. WHAT? Yes. They read and research and play outside. They spend some time in book learning but it takes them a few hours and then they have the rest of their day to do chores, do internet research on a topic of their choice, do crafts, go to the library or visit the Perot Museum.

2.) I like being able to do stuff with my kids. I love that they are with me all the time. I love that if a friend is moving, I can load up my minions and help out. I love that if we decide to take a vacation, we can do it while everyone else is in school. We're going on a cruise in September because we got a super great deal...we wouldn't have felt free to do that if they were in public school.

3.) I want my kids to be free to learn the way they learn best. IF they need to do a round of burpees every few minutes to keep them focused on their work...they get up and do burpees every few minutes. I can find literature units on books they love. I can adjust their work load based on how their brain works...I tell Elisabeth to do 2 problems instead of 20 and she ends up doing them all anyway. It's just hard for her to focus when she's overwhelmed. I love being able to do that.

4,) I want my kids to understand that it's okay to be different and to think differently and to do things differently. God didn't make us all to be the same. Different does not equal wrong.

Answered Prayers

So, I get a lot of questions and comments from young moms about how overwhelmed they are with whatever number of kids they have and how they don't know how I handle 5. I typically say something like I don't handle it well and that having 5 isn't much different than having 2.

But that isn't true. I've believed it when I've said it, but it really isn't true. When even ONE of my kids goes elsewhere it feels like a mini vacation. Regardless of how well behaved the kid is or how well they get along with their siblings. I really do love being with my kids. Please don't take this to mean that I don't.

I love my kids. I'm so glad they're mine. But I can't help thinking that I wish they had a better mom.

I have not been a good mom. Someone really should have called CPS on me. For real.

I was not emotionally or psychologically healthy during my childbearing years. On top of that, after Lilla was born I developed my thyroid issues and was barely functional...and I was so unhealthy in the first place that I didn't even realize I was sick. My thyroid was overworking so much that my muscles began to break down...the body was not made to function in constant 'fight or flight' mode and bad things happen when it does, If I was sitting on the floor it was EXTREMELY difficult to stand up. Walking or any activity for any length of time made me nauseated and sick...I literally threw up from doing normal every day activities...the way I would from a difficult workout.  The massive amounts of adrenaline pumping through my body constantly (from the over producing thyroid) made it extremely difficult to sleep, which presented problems of it's own. I went to the doctor once and my resting heart rate was 200. I was laying down and my heart rate was 200.

I was literally a mess. I needed help. But I was too unhealthy to ask for it and nobody knew to give it...so I didn't get it.

I eventually got the medical help that I needed but it was years before I was 'normal' again. Things gradually got better and better. Through many different avenues God has done so much work on me. It's really amazing and mind boggling to think about what my life looked like 10 years ago versus how it looks now. It's DEFINITELY not perfect, there is a lot of room for improvement, but it's better.

Recently, God has brought a lot of the darkness in my life out into the light. I've come to realize that there really isn't something wrong with me like I've always thought there was. I'm not inherently evil. And everything bad that happens in my life isn't, and never has been, my fault. I've come to recognize a lot of unhealthy behavior that I had always thought was healthy, both in myself and in others. And I've come to understand the root causes of my particular sins, addictions and unhealthy behaviors.

And sadly, I've come to understand that some relationships just can't ever be what I want and need them to be. Other people face their own problems and issues and sometimes, for whatever reason, the damage done to them renders them incapable of giving me what I want from them. And I need to stop expecting the relationship to be different or keep thinking that if I could ever just be a good enough person that things will change.

I've said all of this to say that the culmination of all of this is a lot of prayer. I pray on a daily basis for my kids and my husband. And lately, I've been asking Him to teach me how to love my husband and children and how to be kind and pure and self controlled and a manager of my home. And to give me relationships with older women who can teach me these things.

And you know what? He's done just that.  Over the years and through many different people. This past Saturday I attended a training seminar at my church for a women's ministry that will begin in the fall. It's based on Titus 2 and it's designed to be a structured environment where the older women and the younger women can get to know one another, the older women can teach the younger women the things they need to know and offer them the support they need.

BOOM! Exactly what I've been praying for!!! God is sooooooooooooooo good. Isn't he?!

It is stinking amazing how God works. He is so good. I am so thankful for His grace and the work He's done in my life to take the utter mess that I am and change me into something better...all for His glory!

Wild Indians and Sponges

Ever since our kids were small we've had a little devotional at the end of the day (um, we're inconsistent goons...so do not take this to mean every night). At first it mostly consisted of Michael and I thinking of songs to sing and then singing them and the kids would jump in where they could. Nowadays there's harmony. We can usually break out into 4 part harmony...and Michael gets an opportunity to sing bass.

Anyway, as they've gotten older we have included more Bible lessons and prayer as well.  And more recently we've started two new things, something we call "Mutual Edification" and a Share group night (inspired by and closely following Celebrate Recovery share groups).  The share group night just gives everyone the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings without interruption and without repercussions, and it also teaches them how to be safe people (people that can be trusted to not share each other's information and who can listen without fixing or judging and who can openly share their own issues based on that). Mutual Edification is when we go around the room and everyone either leads a song, says a prayer or reads a scripture.

I've noticed lately that when given the opportunity to pick a song, our kids aren't choosing the newer, catchy songs that have been typical in the past.  They are asking for the older hymn types of songs. It makes me smile because this has come about since they were exposed to the stories behind these songs a few months ago.

Back around the New Year, our family attended a church meeting where workshops were provided at the morning sessions, while traditional worship services were held in the evenings. Every morning I dragged my kids out of bed and we headed down to Irving Church of Christ to participate in the group worship time and the workshops following.

We went because I wanted to. I don't recall them expressing any negative feelings about it but they just never seemed particularly engaged during the big group worship time.  Anyway, every morning they played a video that dramatically told the story behind a super popular hymn. The ones that got led every service of my childhood. The ones I secretly groaned about...and that my kids NEVER requested to sing.

I remember one or two of them getting emotional during one of the stories but this apparently made a significant impression on them...and me. They hum these songs constantly and they get requested ALL THE TIME.

It makes me happy, but also a little bit more wary. Because if something can affect them that much without me even trying...I need to be more intentional with my time and activities and even when I think they aren't listening or don't care.

Because apparently these wild indians are little (or very large) sponges. :)

Who is Gonna Tell the Child?

Last night, for the first time, our family had the privilege of attending an Eagle Scout ceremony. 

Our oldest boys were asked to be a part of the ceremony.  They were put in charge of the ceremonial fire.  Fire.  In a public building full of people and expensive things. FIRE. :)

As a recovering helicopter parent I appreciate situations like this one because I almost always learn something from them.

I've read a lot of parenting books. But in recent years I think that God has really redefined my view of my job as a parent. I see my job as more of a guide. I give them a job, some instructions if/when necessary and then I step back to let them figure it out. It's my job to get them ready to fly off into the sunset without me.

Events like this one often teach me about an area where I haven't given them growing room. So I go away better prepared and more enlightened about what my kids are capable of.

Anyway, one of my favorite parts of the ceremony happened when the young man who had obtained Eagle Scout rank was given an opportunity to honor his mentors with a pin.  He gave out three. One to his second grade Sunday school teachers, one to an encouraging woman from his church and one to his grandfather. Even though I barely know this boy (I couldn't have even pointed him out in the Troop before this ceremony) I became emotional during this portion of the ceremony.

It just made me realize how important people are in my kids lives.  Sometimes I forget that. I love the ways that my boys Scout leaders have impacted their lives.  I'm sure there are others who would qualify as mentors for my kids but this is an area where I want to be more diligent in prayer. I need to pray for people who will take an interest in them and guide them in their walk with the Lord.  Not necessarily people who constantly correct them, but who lead by example.  People who inspire them to love Jesus and let His light shine in their lives.  And who will teach them things that they need and want to know.

During another part of the ceremony the Eagle Scout was asked to take a challenge. I can't remember the details but he was basically "challenged" to live well.  And at the end of his little speech he asked the audience to take a challenge too.  He asked that everyone there correct him when he's wrong, help him when he needs help and...I can't remember the last thing...but he asked everyone who would accept that challenge to respond with an "I do". Everyone did. I just thought about how amazing it would be if we all did this for one another. If we all worked on ourselves (actually, let God work on us) to the point that we could turn our focus from our own sin to helping the next generation deal with theirs. If we took the time to teach them what they need to know...even if they aren't our nephew or niece or grand child or any blood relation at all.

I came away from this ceremony with so many good things. It fed my soul. It's probably a little silly, but I was uplifted as a person and inspired as a mom.

We all need mentors.  My kids need mentors other than me and their dad. And I pray that God will send people to fill those roles, and I am super thankful for the ones he's already sent!

Life Changes

I had five kids in four years.  When our twins were born our oldest child had just turned four.  

I was a little crazy.  And by a little, I mean a lot. 

I took them all to the store by myself for the first time a little over a month after the twins were born.  I went armed with my double stroller. I didn't have any of those super nifty baby wearing devices that most moms use now...I had my double stroller. 

I'm pretty sure that at several points in my early mothering, there were angels holdingthat double stroller up.

Anyway, it was Michael's birthday and I needed to get some things to make his birthday dessert.  So I took all of my five wild indians to the local Walmart.  It seemed a fitting choice.  

I got Lilla and the babies into the stroller (a very wise mama had schooled me in the art of getting THREE wild indians into a stroller with only two seats...bless her!) and the two oldest walked holding onto the stroller while I pushed it. 

About a third of the way into the store, one of the babies started screaming bloody. murder. (as a side note, please allow me to remind you that I was not quite six weeks postpartum...so...HORMONES)

Let me tell you, I was on a mission. If I didn't get my business taken care of, it wasn't going to GET taken care of so I was DETERMINED to make it through (what felt like) the ultimate mothering championship.

 I picked up the screaming baby. 

And um, pushing a double stroller with one hand is, well, difficult. After a few steps I realized I was going to have to rethink. And while I was rethinking, the other baby started crying. So I picked that baby up too.

Long story short, I stuck Caleb in the back seat of the stroller, I put Lilla in the front seat and Nathaniel in the basket underneath the stroller. 

I was literally pushing over a hundred pounds of kid through the grocery store, while holding two babies and shopping for groceries in Supermarket Sweep fashion.

It's a good memory.  It was not good at the time.

It was hard, but we all made it through.

 I got my groceries, annoyed other customers as little as possible and made it out in one piece. 

I'm pretty sure I cried.

Since then there have been many grocery store experiences. A lot of stressful moments and feeling like I'm going to snap if one more kid picks up one more thing.

Today I was just thinking about how much my life has changed.

We went for toilet paper today. There was no crying, no stroller and no baby to hold. Now they trail behind me like little baby ducks. There is pleasant conversation and...I just enjoy being with them. They're fun. They're weird, too. But they're fun.

I'm sure I'm making a million mistakes in my mothering.  They will have sins and struggles to deal with and I'm sure a good portion of them will be because of MY sins and struggles.  But if I can just get one thing right, I  hope that I can point them to Jesus.

Because really, how I feed them, the diapers they wear and how clean my house is matters very little in the long term. What will matter most in the long term is that they know Jesus. And how I made them feel.

So let yourself off the hook. Let the things that matter take precedence and let go of the things that you won't think about in a few years. 

Focus on pointing them to Jesus and smiling at them more!

Helpers

One of my favorite quotes comes from Mr. Rogers. It's about finding hope in the midst of tragedy. 

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I always hear this quoted when major tragedies happen, but the thing is, helpers appear all the time. Not just after major disasters.  The people who will be helping after major disasters are most likely helping before them. 

"Helpers" are people who bring dinner when you're sick, stop and help you change a tire or pay for your drink at Starbucks. "Helpers" are people who open the door when you've got your hands full (or just to be nice when you don't), let you in when you can't find a gap in traffic, or flush the toilet in the stall that everyone is avoiding because the person who used it didn't. "Helpers" are people who are constantly looking for ways to make the world a better place. We can't all discover the vaccine for polio or save thousands of Jews from Hitler's clutches. But we can all do something.

Helpers have a discerning eye, but they aren't critical. You don't see helpers standing on the sidelines telling everyone what they are doing wrong. Helpers actively work to find a solution. They DO something. There is obviously a place for pointing out errors but that can't be the extent of our "help".

I'm so thankful for the helpers in my life.  This week my kids are attending a little backyard VBS. It's super small but I am so thankful for the people who are taking time out of their lives to teach my children about Jesus and helping them to hide God's word in their hearts.  As a mom, I need all of the help I can get and I appreciate every bit of it! 

So my question is...are you a "helper"? :)

Uriah Gets an Award

Recently our son Uriah was selected by his teacher to receive the "Sense of Community" award for his class. His teacher called to notify me and so the "home" kids and I made sure to make the trek over to his school to witness him receiving it.

When we got there I noticed that most of the other parents had brought their kids balloons.  At first I felt kind of bad, but it really made me think about a change of attitude I've had in the last few years.  I'm not judging the parents who brought balloons...they have their own motives and reasons for doing what they do and I don't think any less of them.

Yes, I'm proud of Uriah.  And yes we support our kids but awards like this aren't a HUGE big deal to us and here's why....

1.  I want my kids to understand that they don't have to do anything to earn my love.  I love them no matter what they do.  If they went to prison, I'd be disappointed but I wouldn't love them any less.  If they received a Nobel Peace prize, I'd be excited for them but I wouldn't love them any more than I already do.  My love for them is not based on their performance.  It's based on our relationship, it's based on who they are.

2.  Awards like this don't necessarily mean anything.  Teachers are not infallible.  They are not omnipotent.  I've witnessed kids who made my kids lives miserable (by incessant bullying and cruelty) receive this award.  And I've witnessed the efforts of kids who continually work hard go completely unnoticed and un rewarded. So depending on the level of observation by the teacher, the kid who gets the award may just be the kid who managed to make themselves look good in front of the teacher, regardless of how they behave when he/she is not looking.

3.  I want my kids to understand that we do the right thing simply because it IS the right thing...no matter who can see or if anyone else will even notice or what the reward will be. If their teacher notices, great! But if not, the peace of a clear conscience and the glory they bring to God is reward in itself.

4.  I want to, as best as I can...I am only human...give my kids a picture of how God loves them.  I want them to understand that salvation is completely unmerited...that God forgives us and loves us in spite of our sin.  And that we do good works to bring Him glory...not to earn his favor.  I don't want them to spend their life trying to earn it. I want them to bask in God's love and instead of being depressed and feeling hopeless...I want them to feel elated that their God is so awesome that He could forgive a poor wretched sinner like them. (to be clear...I do not believe that they are sinners right now...I believe that eventually they will be)

So, as of now, the only celebrating we have done or will do is taking his picture with his award. I don't think the occasion requires balloons or a special dinner.  We'll have completely unmerited balloons and a special dinner to celebrate our love for our kids on another, completely random occasion.

Exhibit A

Being the mom of five wild indians makes my life interesting.

Exhibit A:

Yesterday I loaded them all into our Wild Indian Wagon and stopped to get gas.

Apparently our local fillin' station has had problems with people leaving the pump nozzles clicked down and spilling gas everywhere so they took the little whatchamacallits that hold the trigger on the nozzle down off. And a 47 gallon tank  takes a while to fill when you've run the tank purty near empty.

Meanwhile...back at the ranch...err...back inside the Wild Indian Wagon...my very wild Wild Indians decided to reenact Custer's Last Stand...on a very small scale since I'm pretty sure Custer and the Native Americans had a much larger space to battle it out in than the backseat of a Suburban.

I'm pretty sure you couldn't get hydraulics to make that thang move in the way it was moving. For reals...you know in cartoons when a group of kids gets into a fight and all you see is a cloud? There's a reason for that. The person who came up with that must have had five wild indians too.

So I stood there pumping gas, pretending to ignore the commotion inside the vehicle...which was pretty difficult since I was leaning up against it.

And believe me, people were staring. But, being the mother of five wild indians, it's a pretty common occurrence around these here parts.

All of this is going on and the guy at the next pump decides it's a good time to strike up a conversation. He asks me about the kids, acts shocked when I tell him how many there are and that, yes! they are ALL mine.

And then he hit on me. I don't know if he's crazy, desperate or if he just thought any woman with that many kids could probably use a boost. I don't know. He promptly left.

After what seemed like a million years at the time, I finished filling the tank, and got back into the car expecting for the refereeing part of my job to commence but...

Somehow they had reached a truce. They were happy as larks. They were sweaty and disheveled but you'd have never known they had just fought the battle of the century. I don't even know what the battle was about and I doubt they remember either.

I'm sure that all the people at that gas station thought I was a horrible mother for not interrupting their fight...and maybe I am. But I think it's nice for them to work things out themselves...to either figure out a way to solve the problem or just decide it isn't worth it. Because, let's be honest, I won't always be there to do that for them. When they grow up and have a spouse...mama definitely can't step in and solve the problem. It's all them and Jesus! So I might as well save myself some energy and give them a chance to practice!

Errr....or something like that! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

My Prayer for My Kids

I'm pretty sure there's nothing more painful than having to see your kids in pain. It's tough to witness the hurt and humiliation on their face after being rejected. And as a mother I want to fix it and make it go away. We all want our kids to be happy, healthy and successful. Right?!

I used to pray that my kids would have friends. I used to pray that they would be successful. I used to see a poor or even mediocre performance on a report card as a sign of my own failure (because all the studies show that if you're doing it right you have smart and socially healthy kids, right?!). I used to feel embarrassed and humiliated at church when my kids did something all the other parents were shocked by.

And to be honest, sometimes my initial reaction is still the same.

But I've stopped praying for those things. And I've stopped caring what anyone else thinks of my kids...because we're not here to receive the approval of men and we're even warned to be worried when all men speak well of us. So I've stopped praying for those things and started just praying that God would use them and their circumstances to bring glory to Himself...and that He would mold them into something beautiful for His kingdom. And if that means having to watch them be rejected, fail at school and, by earthly standards, at life and that all the other parents in the world think that me and my kids are poster children for how to get it all wrong...then I trust Him...and I want Him to do whatever it takes.

Because my treasure is in Heaven, and that's exactly where I want my children!

An Unsure End

This morning on our way to our favorite donut shop I got a brilliant idea!

We pulled up to the shop, I handed Caleb money to pay for the donuts and I sent my five wild indians into the donut shop. Alone. Without me.

I sat in the car...in complete peace and quiet and enjoyed my time immensely...only slightly holding my breath about what the outcome of this "brilliant idea" would be...because "what do you get when you send five wild indians into a donut shop?" sounds like a bad joke that I'd rather not know the punchline to.

A few months ago I read an article about over parenting and was really startled by how much I recognized myself in it. Cause, see, I'm a controller and that tends to make me a 'no' mom because saying yes might lead to a situation I can't control and that's really scary for me.

When I was Caleb's age I was riding my bike all over town running bank and grocery errands for my parents. And while I know that times have changed since then and we probably should be more careful, my over parenting seriously stunts my children's growth in maturity and creativity.

So, I've started weighing whether my inclination to say no is a real concern for their safety or for my own comfort.   And honestly, I have seen them blossom in the last few months. They've made friends, spent more time outside and been more creative. And that really makes me want to give them freedom...because kids need that! And guess what?! I need that too! It's pretty silly how much stress I heap upon myself needlessly!

photo courtesy of Alisha Hurt PHotography

So out of the donut shop they came...with the owner following them. And I'm thinking "oh no! What did they do?!?!"

I opened the car door and stepped out expecting the owner to reprimand me for sending them in alone.

Instead she smiled and told me they were the most well behaved kids she'd ever had in her shop AND she had given them donut holes as a reward for being so good. Ashamedly, I was shocked.

The kids handed me their change and filed into the car full of a sense of accomplishment.  The told me all about their donut shop experience while I silently thanked God for His goodness and felt the slight tinge of conviction for not having more faith in God and in my children.

It was a good day!

Sometimes My Kids Set Me Straight

Last night, as we got home from church, it was late. Uriah and Elisabeth were both having meltdowns and the older kids were fussing up a storm. So I hurried them through their bedtime routines.

In a flurry of brushed teeth, clothes changed and laid out, they got into bed.

Here's where I sighed a BIG sigh of relief.

And then from the boys room I heard a voice, "Mommy, can we say a prayer?"

This is what went through my head...Yeah, jerk mom! Why didn't you ALREADY say a prayer? What kind of mom ARE YOU?!

So I got the girls out of bed and we all gathered in the boys room. And let me tell ya, a portion of that prayer was a humbled pleading for God to change me and thankfulness for the ways He already has.

On some days I think my parenting goal is simply to survive. But that's not what parenting is about. Yeah, there are rough days. But parenting is about showing them who God is. Even our imperfections can point their hearts toward Him. Because our imperfections remind us, and them, that they need a Savior and that we are not it.

So, yeah, I'm not a perfect mom. I am a deeply flawed mom depending on the grace of God to change me and to leave my children as un scarred by my imperfections as they can be.

Praise God for His mercy and grace!

How To: Ski Ball-- Lessons from the Life of Elisabeth

I'm pretty sure there's not a person alive who enjoys life more than Elisabeth. She's a free spirit, with a song on her lips, a smile in her heart and, I'm convinced, magic in her step. She leaves a trail of sparkle everywhere she goes.

Tonight my dad treated our family to a trip to John's Incredible Pizza. Elisabeth spent most of the time at the Ski Ball game. When one game would end, without inserting more tokens, she would push the 'start' button and a new game would begin (see?! I told you she is magic!).

Elisabeth's approach to Ski ball is a unique (and fairly dangerous) one.

First of all, the balls must be named and assigned a familial position (mom/dad/sister/brother). Then, she closes her eyes and tosses the ball. Sometimes the ball heads in the general vicinity of the alley she's playing on, and sometimes not. Sometimes you can't tell which alley she's playing on because she's technically playing on them all. It doesn't matter if she gets the ball in her own gutter or the one next to her...the fact that the ball didn't roll back to her is an accomplishment to be celebrated! And believe me. Every. Single. Ball. is celebrated with a parade and dancing and giggling fit for Disneyland.

I am pretty sure I've never seen a kid enjoy Ski Ball that much. And I'm pretty sure I've never enjoyed watching a game of Ski Ball that much.

It's amazing how some people just spread joy. They don't have to tell you to be joyful...because theirs is infectious.

It's a good reminder. Not only to be joyful in even the most mundane tasks but in how our attitude affects the people around us...and that life is too short to not be silly sometimes!

God Designed Girlfriends Book Club

I have wanted to be in a book club for so long. I have literally been searching for a group of girls that would get together and discuss literature/fiction...well, really ANY type of book...with me.

Recently I found a girl who not only wanted to get together to discuss books...when I asked her she jumped up and down and hasn't stopped talking about it (and asking about it!) since I asked her.

Well, tonight after several weeks of trying to find a time to have our first meeting...I put the kids in bed and MADE time.

I'm not sure what our first book will be...we are planning to have that decided by Sunday evening. Tonight we just talked about books we've read recently, what we liked and didn't like about them and which character was our favorite.

Can you tell we had fun?!

Any book suggestions?

Bedtime Routines

I am probably the most unorganized mother ever conceived of.

I do things in a whirlwind. I wait until conditions are at their absolute worst and then I decide to do something.

So in the midst of all my FlyLady madness...I added some things to our kids bedtime routine that have made our evenings and mornings infinitely more peaceful.

1.  I started having them pick out and lay out their clothes for the next day...including socks and shoes. Okay, now I've always laid my kids clothes out, if they got laid out...which was a rarity. But I can't even tell you how much easier my life is. Now sure, somedays my five year old son goes to school in camo shorts with one orange and black pumpkin tube sock and one white ankle sock...but between the peace of not having to do it myself and the giggles I get when I see what they've chosen...it's a good situation.

2.  We divvied up the shower...Nathaniel, Lilla and Elisabeth at night and Caleb and Uriah in the morning. It's fast. It's easy. It ensures that everyone takes a shower every day and there's usually some hot water left. When you have a bazillion kids this is a concern.

3.  All of them are required, as part of their homework, to read for 20 minutes at home. So after all the bedtime chaos I've been having them all get their book and go and lay in their beds and read before going to sleep. I time them for 20 minutes and then ask them to find a stopping place and give them a few minutes to get there. Bedtime is so much easier and it's fun to see them getting into the habit. Because it's a good one, I think.

Sometimes I get stuck condemning myself for all of my shortcomings that I fail to see the good things that are happening and I have to stop and really thank God for all of the good things in my life. Because He is Good. And it's amazing and wonderful to stop and witness the evidences of His grace in my life!

I'm the Mom...

whose daughter shares culinary tastes with bovines.
who frequently says things like "go eat your dinner!" when I really mean "go finish your homework!" 

 who after being stuck at home to conserve gas, finds it necessary to draw mustaches on everyone in the family and head to Target...
who gets momentarily mistaken for a bank robber
who hates homework
who daily has to apologize
whose stellar ability to block out deafening noise should probably be studied by NASA.
whose tooth fairy career has failed miserably
and who is blessed beyond measure.

How to Train Your Dragon

Last week I took Caleb to see How to Train Your Dragon. He enjoyed it immensely.

How to Train Your Dragon is about a young Viking named Hiccup. He doesn't really fit in with his peers, because unlike all the other Vikings, he is small and bookish instead of large and boorish. He is brushed aside by his father for being different. Hiccup eventually forges a friendship with a dragon, from whom he learns about all dragons. He discovers that the dragons are misunderstood, and if treated differently, become gentle instead of the fearsome creatures the Vikings perceive them to be.

As I watched the movie, I got to thinking. It has kind of become a common plot characteristic for the parents of the main character to be either deadbeats, or just plain ignorant. Movies such as How to Train Your Dragon, The Little Mermaid, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and Chicken Little all portray story lines where the parents are ignorant and overprotective, or ignorant and indifferent, and need to be taught a lesson.

While I'm sure it's true that there are a lot of ignorant parents out there, and maybe even deadbeats, I'm wondering if there are, or have been, negative repercussions from this depiction of the parent/child relationship? I mean, should be repeatedly showing our kids how great it turns out when they completely ignore us and do what they want? And reaffirming in their minds that we really don't know what's best for them?

Maybe I'm making too much of this, but being a parent, I wonder.