Helpers

One of my favorite quotes comes from Mr. Rogers. It's about finding hope in the midst of tragedy. 

Photo Credit

I always hear this quoted when major tragedies happen, but the thing is, helpers appear all the time. Not just after major disasters.  The people who will be helping after major disasters are most likely helping before them. 

"Helpers" are people who bring dinner when you're sick, stop and help you change a tire or pay for your drink at Starbucks. "Helpers" are people who open the door when you've got your hands full (or just to be nice when you don't), let you in when you can't find a gap in traffic, or flush the toilet in the stall that everyone is avoiding because the person who used it didn't. "Helpers" are people who are constantly looking for ways to make the world a better place. We can't all discover the vaccine for polio or save thousands of Jews from Hitler's clutches. But we can all do something.

Helpers have a discerning eye, but they aren't critical. You don't see helpers standing on the sidelines telling everyone what they are doing wrong. Helpers actively work to find a solution. They DO something. There is obviously a place for pointing out errors but that can't be the extent of our "help".

I'm so thankful for the helpers in my life.  This week my kids are attending a little backyard VBS. It's super small but I am so thankful for the people who are taking time out of their lives to teach my children about Jesus and helping them to hide God's word in their hearts.  As a mom, I need all of the help I can get and I appreciate every bit of it! 

So my question is...are you a "helper"? :)

Gettin' Real

It's no secret that I was pregnant when I got married (I do want to be clear, getting pregnant was not the sin, the actions that led to it are).  I'm pretty open about it.  Not because I'm proud, I am absolutely NOT proud of it.  But it's my past.  It's my story. It's my mess. It's part of the story of how God has redeemed my life from the pit.

I am saved. My sins are gone, I've been set free.

I'm still learning to live in a constant state of free-ness...I have a tendency to fall under my own condemnation. It's a work in progress! I am a work in progress.

Here's the deal though, I want to speak to those who might find themselves in a cycle of sin similar to the one I found (actually, I didn't FIND anything, I PUT myself there...let's just be honest about it) myself in. I know that the chances of this helping anyone are slim. I'm not eloquent and typically only the people who really love me even read what I write. But I want to say it because I feel lead to. So, at the very least, maybe it'll help ME to write it.

I married the only boy I ever had an intimate relationship with.  But that didn't make it okay.  I have repented of the sin I had allowed to take hold of my life.  But that didn't take away the consequences of my actions.  A large portion of our dating life, our engagement, our wedding day and even a few years of our marriage were tainted by that sin. Our life is still feeling the repercussions of that sin. All of the tenderness and sweetness that should accompany some of the major milestone moments of my life were tainted.

I can barely look at my wedding pictures.  A lot of people worked really hard to make my day special in spite of the glaringly obvious sin I had committed and the damage that I'd done to my relationship with them all. My major memory of my honeymoon is nausea from the scent of the air freshener in the car.

It took years before the full weight of what I had done hit me.  It took years for me to REALLY repent because I was so hardened by the sin I had committed. But the thing is, it wasn't something I just did one day. It was a long process of compromises and going too far.  Slowly I broke every promise I ever made to myself and opposed everything I thought I believed in.  I was unwilling to wait to receive God's blessings, so I took matters into my own hands, did it my way and I could not possibly regret it more.

If you are doing this same thing, I totally know where you are. Believe me, I get it. But please stop. Stop RIGHT now.  Tell someone.  Ask for help.  It will be hard, but it will be worth the effort. I promise. Even if you are planning to marry the person you have an inappropriate relationship with, you will regret it and all of the special moments that you should cherish, will be tainted by the memory of your actions.  God has an amazing plan for your life, do it HIS way.

The thing is, I don't want to be negative or make you think my life is awful.  Because it's absolutely not.  I've written a lot of other posts about how good God has been to me and how He has plucked me from the clutches of sin and the amazing effect it's had on my marriage. It's all because of Jesus. I am forgiven. I have been set free.  I am covered by Jesus' blood. And no matter where you are, you can be too.  Even if you did everything wrong like I did.  There's nothing the blood of Jesus won't cover.

My sin, o the bliss of the glorious tho't,
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

The Buddy System

The first time I heard about the buddy system was during a TV special about the Duggars...before they had their own show, back when they only had 13 or 14 kids.  It is the one and only show of theirs I've ever watched. I have nothing against them, I'm just not into reality TV.

Their buddy system is a lot more involved than ours.  We don't expect our kids to bathe or dress one another (but then we only have five kids...if I had 13 or 14 I'm sure I'd change my tune).

Basically, we implemented this system because there are only two of us and there are five of them and we can't be everywhere all the time.  So when we go out into public, our kids know that if they have to use the restroom, or be separated from us for any reason, they take a 'buddy' (ie, another wild indian). I love it because it gives them a lot more freedom but also keeps them safe.

The number one rule of the buddy system is...use it. Duh. The number two rule of the buddy system is...you never leave your buddy behind. YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.

It's not always fun and it's not always easy.  Sometimes one kid wants to run faster than the other one...so either the kid going fast has to slow down or the kid going slow has to run faster...or a little of both. But one of those things HAS to happen. Because YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.

Sometimes it means going places you don't want to or are afraid to go. But you go anyway because YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.  Sometimes it means NOT going somewhere you want to go because your buddy has something else in mind and YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.

Sometimes it means watching while your buddy does something that they might get into trouble for but insist on doing. It doesn't mean you participate or approve...but you stick around in case they need help.

The only time it's okay to leave your buddy is if they are hurt or in trouble and it is beyond your ability to help them (which would include destructive behavior that they refuse to stop).  This scenario is one of our biggest reasons for implementing the buddy system in the first place. Someone knows where you are, knows what you're going through, can advise/warn you when needed and find and direct help your way.

It's a good system. It's not an easy system. It doesn't work if the buddies both demand their own way all the time.  It's a miserable system in that case. I ask my kids this question a lot "is getting your way worth being miserable over?" or "do you want to get your way or do you want to have fun?" Because it IS a choice. And most of the time they decide they'd rather come to some sort of compromise or give up their way all together rather than keep arguing.

The buddy system is a thing of beauty when both buddies work hard to make it work. There is so much fun to be had!

Being an adult isn't much different than being a kid and being married is a lot like the buddy system. It's not always fun and it's not always easy. Sometimes you have to slow down or run faster or go places you'd rather not but YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.  It requires a lot of dying to self and looking out for the interests of the other one and sometimes deciding that getting our way isn't worth being miserable. But when we treat it properly...it gives us freedom and safety and fun...and it's a beautiful thing.

Philippians 2:3,4
1 John 3:18

On Having a Perfect Marriage

It all started when I was an adolescent.

I started reading books about how to find the perfect husband and have the perfect marriage. Because I wanted both. I also wanted to be the perfect wife whose husband would adore me 24/7.

Since I've been married, I've read MORE books about how to have the perfect marriage. Because I didn't have one.

I read these books and implement what they say expecting that if I do I will have the perfect marriage I've always dreamed of. And then I mess up. Or he messes up. And just like that my hopes of having a perfect marriage are dashed again and I move on to the next book.

Even though in my head I've always known it would NEVER be perfect, because we're not, I go around feeling like a complete loser because we're not. I compare the dirt under the foundation of our house to everyone else's hardwood floors that they've prepped for me to see.

Books are great. Everyone should read books. Blogs are great. Everyone should read blogs. Seminars are great. Everyone should go to seminars. But we also have to remember that even if we read all the books and blogs and go to all of the seminars...we cannot perfectly implement all of the good information all of the time. The people who write the books and blogs and host the seminars don't have perfect marriages or lives.

And guess what?! It doesn't mean we've failed. It means we're human. It means we need Jesus.

It doesn't matter how much you have in common with someone, they are eventually going to get on your nerves.  And you might find out things about each other that neither one of you ever wanted any other human being to know about you. And if you truly invest in the level of intimacy that God intended for marriages to have...there will probably be conflict.

I've never been able to implement all the stuff in all the books I've read. But each book has spurred me on to love and good works. And some area of my marriage has improved because of it. And the thing is, small changes over time make a big difference.

I don't have a perfect marriage. But I do have a redeemed one. And the really awesome thing is...the only explanation for the difference is Jesus. Left to our own devices our marriage would be...well...what it was for a long time and worse. He has made all the difference.

I got this photo here.