Believable Love

Visits were marked by loud, emotive words expressing love and appreciation as she looked into my eyes. 

But the words just made me uncomfortable. I didn't believe them. They were counteracted by constant and pervasive criticism.

My waist size was too big, I argued with my brother too much, my posture was bad, I talked too loud, laughed too much, wore my hair the wrong way, didn't sing on key well enough, listened to the wrong music. The list could go on and on. I never measured up. 

The words of love faded in comparison to the criticism. 

As I found myself sending texts to my children declaring my love to them, I felt convicted. Do these words pale in comparison to my criticism? Do my kids feel the love I am declaring or do they roll their eyes in disbelief and discomfort?

As a mom, I've developed the habit of constantly scanning my environment for potential trouble. So I notice the problems with haste and precedence. Hairs out of place, disparity between how my children are dressed and how I think they should dress, rogue facial hairs, characteristics that I am afraid will be a stumbling block to relationships or acceptance by their peers, misspoken words with the potential to be misunderstood and lead to ostracization, habits that could be embarrassing. . . the list could go on and on.

I often characterize all of this as a mothers desire to see my children thrive, but honestly, some of it is my desire to be validated as a mom. I feel that how my children are perceived and accepted is a reflection of my own worth as a human being. 

This is something I'm working on. Letting my kids be who they are and detaching my self-worth from my children's successes and failures, or acceptance by society or people in our church family and community. I want to love them for who they are. I want my declarations of love to be believable because they are backed up by my actions and the larger context of our relationship. 

The End of the Dark Tunnel

 

Sunshine caresses my face, and seeps into my soul. 

After being lost in the dark wilderness, not knowing if I would ever find the way out, stepping into sunshine and civilization feels like the first sunny day after a winter of dark skies.

What began as a Dark Night of the Soul, turned into questioning my faith, myself and all the people in my life. It felt like being buried alive. Or lost at sea. 

I made a decision to stop deconstructing. To hold on. To be faithful. 

I made that decision over 2 years ago, but the Dark Night lasted until about a month ago. I spent over 5 years walking in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Feeling alone and lost and unsure of whether hope was realistic. I lost most of my support system. 

Healing came in waves, or stages. The last year felt like I was on the cusp of something, but never quite getting there. A million revelations promised to end the Dark Night, but never quite did. 

About a month ago, I felt compelled to read my Bible. Not as an act of defiance to the Darkness, but as a way to know God. I began to feel connected to God in prayer again. Things I felt confused by, are now clear. 

There are a million shifts and repentances that I could recite as the catalyst to this change, but I couldn't tell you which one did the trick. The truth is, I doubt any of them did. Maybe I just needed revolution in my heart. Maybe this is what had to happen to get me from where I started to where God wants to take me.

I don't know. What I know is that I feel incredibly grateful. And relieved. 

22

 

Think of the happiest, longest married couple you've ever known. 

What do you know about them? 

I've sat at funerals and anniversary parties while people recounted all of the challenges that the long married couple had been through. 

What I've come to understand is, it is likely that none of us knows about the biggest challenges those people faced in their relationship. The hardest things I've been through in my marriage, most of the people in my life don't even know about. And when I share pieces of my own story with women who've been married a comparable amount of time or longer, they've been there too. 

Happy, long marriages are not devoid of the problems that drive other people to divorce. People in happy, long marriages work it out. Each partner grows, and the relationship flourishes and deepens. 

Don't fall for the lie that social media and society are telling us right now. 

I just came across an Instagram post that said something like, "If you have to look through your partners phone, you're in the wrong relationship." Eh, not true. Maybe there is work to be done. Some rubber to lay down on the road. Because, if I'm looking through my partners phone, I will probably be looking in my next partners phone too. The grass isn't greener or more well manicured on the other side of the fence. I'm not in the wrong yard because the grass I'm in is brown and overgrown. The grass is green where I water it and tend it. 

It takes two to make a marriage really flourish, but just one partner working can do a lot. 

I'm not advocating for staying in abusive situations. I'm saying that the world is full of reasons why my relationship isn't the "right one", but if I'm waiting for the right relationship - there isn't one. I have to make the relationship right.