Processing Friendship Part 2

 To read Part 1, click here.

As we moved within California and then to Texas, and I encountered new systems, I had different experiences. At the first place, I found a stockpile of greeting cards in the church building. So I  documented all the church members birthdays and anniversaries, and used the greeting cards to acknowledge them. I loved doing this. It gave me a great sense of purpose. 

When we moved to Texas, it was like moving to an all new world where people suddenly took an interest in me. I seemed to matter for the first time. When we first arrived, members of the congregation asked me questions like, "what are your hobbies?" I had no answer to this question. What I liked to do had never seemed relevant to anyone else, and most of what I enjoyed doing wasn't something I could really do with other people. I lived a mostly solitary, internal life. Existing at this congregation and within that group of people was a breeding ground for my self-esteem.  

I had a friend group for the first time. I was talking on the phone, spending time with people. I was outgoing and extroverted. I felt like my true self. 

In both of these instances, it seems the growth of my self confidence and security was interpreted in a negative light, and I was punished.

My training in systems theory and work with my own therapist has helped me to see that the system in which I existed would not allow for me to change. The thing about systems is that they work to maintain homeostasis. The quiet, solitary, internal, blank slate was the role I played in the system, and it's all that system would allow for. 

I withdrew from my social circle. The focus shifted from friendship and connection, to escaping the system. I did desperate and wrong things to accomplish this, and I lost sight of the purpose of leaving the system. The things I did to escape were counterproductive and harmful. 

I didn't get what I ultimately wanted: the space to be the truest version of myself. What I got was shame, isolation, regret and body weight. 

I've spent a lot of time and energy in healing from all of that, but I still find myself with loneliness, and unsure of how to overcome it. Talking about it is helping. Friends who have experienced similar things are sharing what they've learned, and that solves the issue of protocols to implement, and the connection I have longed for. 

To be continued . . .