Why There IS Hope for the Rest of Us Even Though Bennifer Didn't Make It

I read an article the other day where a young woman lamented the break up of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and quarried that since THEY couldn't make marriage work that "there is no hope for the rest of us".

Now, I don't know what the circumstances of their divorce are and I don't need/want to know, but I want to be clear that there absolutely are situations where divorce is the only option. If a partner refuses to change or get help divorce may be the right choice.

But after many moments where I didn't know how we were going to make it or if I could keep on loving, I believe with all of my heart that there is hope for the rest of us.

Not because it is always fun and not because it always feels good, because it isn't and it doesn't. Living with someone, hearing them pass gas in the night and making major and minor life decisions with them day in and day out is going to lead to some tension. And the deep and ugly sin that I've managed to hide from every other person in my life is to my marriage what a major break in the foundation is to a house. It gets worse with time. It affects everything...even small things like the way a chair rolls across the floor.

But sin and struggle don't make a marriage bad and they don't mean there's no hope.

Marriage has led me to Jesus. And God has used it, more than anything else, to transform me into the likeness of His Son.

I believe with all of my heart that there IS hope and here's why I believe that...

1. God is good. He made marriage and He called it good and He Always Tells the truth.

2. God loves us and provides for us. He made woman because man was alone. And then when they sinned He concocted this amazing and intricate scheme to redeem us from it. Amazing love! How can it be!?!

3. The gospel is powerful. It is sharper than any two edged sword. It changes lives. God promises that anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart will find Him. And finding Him produces fruit. Good fruit. And good fruit in my life will produce good fruit in my marriage.

It does. I know. The gospel has changed me. It has transformed me from the bitter, negative attention seeking, lying, suicidal girl I was into a hopeful, forgiving, honest, live-for-Jesus girl. I'm not perfect. I have lots of areas that are in need of growth but I'm on the path and I praise God for that!

4. Free will. I have a choice. A good marriage is an intentional one. "Not getting along" is not something that just happens...it's a choice. Good, Christ honoring marriages don't just happen.  It is a decision...

• to forgive. Over and over and over. The way God, through Christ Jesus, has forgiven me. It isn't an emotion that either comes or doesn't. It is a decision and it is MADE. 

• to hold my tongue when I should, communicate when it's time and confess when I'm wrong. It is my responsibility to communicate respectfully. Complaining and criticizing are different than communicating the tools that Michael needs to be a good husband to me. Complaining and criticism belittle and provoke him, communication empowers him. 

• to love him deeply. Because love covers a multitude of sin. He's flawed just like me. And just like me he needs someone to know all of his stuff and love him anyway. 

• to be transformed. Gravely wronging someone, being gravely wronged and then committing to work it out and make it good anyway requires major renovation of the heart. It requires continual surrender. If I let Him, God can use my marriage to make me like Jesus. But it's not a passive thing, it's a decision I have to make. Over and over and over and over and over and...you get my drift. :) As my heart is renovated, my marriage is too. 

There is hope. There is so much hope for my marriage in Jesus. And Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and their ability to keep it together have nothing to do with that.

Gettin' Real

It's no secret that I was pregnant when I got married (I do want to be clear, getting pregnant was not the sin, the actions that led to it are).  I'm pretty open about it.  Not because I'm proud, I am absolutely NOT proud of it.  But it's my past.  It's my story. It's my mess. It's part of the story of how God has redeemed my life from the pit.

I am saved. My sins are gone, I've been set free.

I'm still learning to live in a constant state of free-ness...I have a tendency to fall under my own condemnation. It's a work in progress! I am a work in progress.

Here's the deal though, I want to speak to those who might find themselves in a cycle of sin similar to the one I found (actually, I didn't FIND anything, I PUT myself there...let's just be honest about it) myself in. I know that the chances of this helping anyone are slim. I'm not eloquent and typically only the people who really love me even read what I write. But I want to say it because I feel lead to. So, at the very least, maybe it'll help ME to write it.

I married the only boy I ever had an intimate relationship with.  But that didn't make it okay.  I have repented of the sin I had allowed to take hold of my life.  But that didn't take away the consequences of my actions.  A large portion of our dating life, our engagement, our wedding day and even a few years of our marriage were tainted by that sin. Our life is still feeling the repercussions of that sin. All of the tenderness and sweetness that should accompany some of the major milestone moments of my life were tainted.

I can barely look at my wedding pictures.  A lot of people worked really hard to make my day special in spite of the glaringly obvious sin I had committed and the damage that I'd done to my relationship with them all. My major memory of my honeymoon is nausea from the scent of the air freshener in the car.

It took years before the full weight of what I had done hit me.  It took years for me to REALLY repent because I was so hardened by the sin I had committed. But the thing is, it wasn't something I just did one day. It was a long process of compromises and going too far.  Slowly I broke every promise I ever made to myself and opposed everything I thought I believed in.  I was unwilling to wait to receive God's blessings, so I took matters into my own hands, did it my way and I could not possibly regret it more.

If you are doing this same thing, I totally know where you are. Believe me, I get it. But please stop. Stop RIGHT now.  Tell someone.  Ask for help.  It will be hard, but it will be worth the effort. I promise. Even if you are planning to marry the person you have an inappropriate relationship with, you will regret it and all of the special moments that you should cherish, will be tainted by the memory of your actions.  God has an amazing plan for your life, do it HIS way.

The thing is, I don't want to be negative or make you think my life is awful.  Because it's absolutely not.  I've written a lot of other posts about how good God has been to me and how He has plucked me from the clutches of sin and the amazing effect it's had on my marriage. It's all because of Jesus. I am forgiven. I have been set free.  I am covered by Jesus' blood. And no matter where you are, you can be too.  Even if you did everything wrong like I did.  There's nothing the blood of Jesus won't cover.

My sin, o the bliss of the glorious tho't,
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

On Having a Perfect Marriage

It all started when I was an adolescent.

I started reading books about how to find the perfect husband and have the perfect marriage. Because I wanted both. I also wanted to be the perfect wife whose husband would adore me 24/7.

Since I've been married, I've read MORE books about how to have the perfect marriage. Because I didn't have one.

I read these books and implement what they say expecting that if I do I will have the perfect marriage I've always dreamed of. And then I mess up. Or he messes up. And just like that my hopes of having a perfect marriage are dashed again and I move on to the next book.

Even though in my head I've always known it would NEVER be perfect, because we're not, I go around feeling like a complete loser because we're not. I compare the dirt under the foundation of our house to everyone else's hardwood floors that they've prepped for me to see.

Books are great. Everyone should read books. Blogs are great. Everyone should read blogs. Seminars are great. Everyone should go to seminars. But we also have to remember that even if we read all the books and blogs and go to all of the seminars...we cannot perfectly implement all of the good information all of the time. The people who write the books and blogs and host the seminars don't have perfect marriages or lives.

And guess what?! It doesn't mean we've failed. It means we're human. It means we need Jesus.

It doesn't matter how much you have in common with someone, they are eventually going to get on your nerves.  And you might find out things about each other that neither one of you ever wanted any other human being to know about you. And if you truly invest in the level of intimacy that God intended for marriages to have...there will probably be conflict.

I've never been able to implement all the stuff in all the books I've read. But each book has spurred me on to love and good works. And some area of my marriage has improved because of it. And the thing is, small changes over time make a big difference.

I don't have a perfect marriage. But I do have a redeemed one. And the really awesome thing is...the only explanation for the difference is Jesus. Left to our own devices our marriage would be...well...what it was for a long time and worse. He has made all the difference.

I got this photo here.

Love

Sometimes I have something that I want to say but it just doesn't seem to come out the right way.

A lot of things have been bothering me lately.

One of those things is the apparent lack of love displayed in the body of Christ and even in physical families. It seems like we have a checklist of things that make us feel like good people and as long as we have it checked off, we feel pretty good about ourselves. We may treat our husbands and children with impatience and rudeness, but hey! we were at church three times this week. Or we may gossip about everyone there but at least we sang the loudest or gave the most in the offering.

The apostle Paul says that none of that even matters if we don't have love.

John says that if we don't love our brothers and sisters that we don't know God and he does not dwell in us. He also tells us to not love in word or tongue but in deed and truth.

It's not enough to just tell others that we love them. Actions speak louder than words. We must show them. Paul gives us a very clear definition of exactly what love looks like in one of the most well known passages of scripture.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Our lives must be defined by this passage.

We have to remember that our feelings are not a good indicator of what is right or true and always give one another the benefit of the doubt.

Love is not blind. It sees and loves anyway.