Broken Together

So, two people meet.  They "fall in love".  Then they encounter some type of obstacle and they almost don't make it...but they do and they live happily ever after.

So, I used to think that the Hollywood version of love couldn't be farther from the truth, but these days I think it's actually fairly accurate. Sort of.

In real life we meet, we're attracted to one another, we spend time together and decide to get married.  Then we encounter some type of obstacle and we wonder if we're going to make it. We either do or we don't but if we do, we're deeper in love.  And then it all starts again.

It's like an onion. (Donkey was onto something!) Onions are stinky. But to get to and deal with the stinky part that's actually offending my eyes and nose, I have to peel the layers off. Start with the skin.  It doesn't make a ton of difference but it's progress.  Progress is great and feels amazing but I get through one layer and revel in the awesomeness just as I realize there's another layer.

And sometimes it takes lots of peeling and lots of work to actually get to the core...to the source of the stink. And with every layer that gets peeled off the eyes burn more and the stink gets worse.

Yes, we could have been happy just leaving the onion whole or with any level along the way. But that would mean being okay with our individual sin...rejecting Jesus and His work in our lives.

And yes, this is hard. I have wondered so many times if we were going to make it.  There were times when I honestly thought I was going to break. Somehow I always find the strength to keep holding on and we eventually get to the other side...another layer peeled off. It feels great and we revel in it and praise God for it.

And then we realize there's another layer. Thanks to God and the people and help He's brought into our lives I think we may have actually reached the core. Our sin and the roots of it.

So that's where we are. Layers peeled off down to the core and God is working to neutralize the stink so He can build us back up sans the offensive odor that had colored and completely devoured every layer of our lives.

So, it isn't the easy slippers-and-pipe life that I always thought it was.  I always thought that if you loved each other...there wouldn't ever be problems.

But we're broken people. So our marriage is broken too. We can love each other through the brokenness because God loved us through it first. We're broken together.

The Little Engine that Could...Because God Was Working Through Her

I began reading the entire Bible through on a yearly basis when I was around eight. My dad bought our entire family chronological daily reading Bibles and at some point during the day we would all read silently to ourselves or take turns reading aloud.

I enjoy reading my Bible. Reading the Bible is always a good thing, but for a large part of the time I was speed reading the word of God so I could check it off my list (and more recently so my Bible app would stop sending me notifications that I had not completed my reading). Pretty inane, huh?! So a couple of January's ago I made a conscious decision to NOT begin reading my Bible through. Instead, I determined to read verses and chapters and books whenever I took a fancy, while committing to read SOMETHING every day. (Okay, so here's where it gets real...I missed days. I might have even missed weeks occasionally. Make no mistake...I'm not a miss goody two shoes who never misses a day reading my Bible...it happens)

A few months ago I really began to realize how incomplete my knowledge of God had been.  Even though I had read my bible for a long time, I read it in a very self centered, desperate-and-afraid-of-going-to-hell sort of way. I read my Bible to figure out how to NOT go to Hell. I didn't see God as the Lover of my soul, I saw Him as the condemner of it.

In coming to this realization, I longed to know Him as He wants to be known.  I wanted (and still do) to know what He wants me to know about Him and about life. So I started reading from the beginning, with the intention of learning as much as I can about who God is and how He relates to man...and to me.

I'm kind of amazed at just how much my reading has changed as a result of this perspective change. So many different things have popped out at me. I've learned so much and I'm still in Genesis.

This morning I read about Joseph and his dream interpreting experiences. My imagination is going wiiiiild. I'm imagining being called before a Pharaoh for ANY reason at all but especially being called by an agitated, frustrated and sleep deprived Pharaoh who holds my life in his hands and who expects me to tell him the meaning of his dreams.

Okay folks, here's the deal. Being asked for even the smallest piece of advice makes my palms sweaty and my heart race. Being asked to perform a task makes my stomach burn with anxiety...wondering if I can pull it off without making some terrible and irreversible mistake. So Joseph's response is mind blowing to me, especially considering his life experience up to this point, which you can read beginning in Genesis 37.

"Joseph answered Pharaoh, "It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer."

He's standing before PHARAOH. And he's not panicking. I would be panicking. He has total faith that God is going to work through him--and God does! The dreams are interpreted, a system is set in place for preserving and supplying food to the people during the famine.  Thousands of lives are saved.  If I had been in Joseph's shoes, the Butler and Baker would have never seen their fates coming and Pharaoh and the entire population of that part of the world would have been unprepared for the famine and died of starvation. I never would have attempted to help any of them. It would have never even occurred to me that I COULD help...and if it did occur to me that thought would have been quickly squelched by "who are YOU? How could YOU of ALL PEOPLE make any difference?" and I would have sat down and just shut up and starved to death with everyone else.

The truth is, I can't help. Not really. And neither could Joseph on his own. God can. And by trusting Him and submitting to Him, His work can and will be accomplished, even through me.  And the wonder is even greater...because I know who I am and just how impossible it is for me to accomplish any real good on my own.

I will probably never be called to interpret the dreams of a king or save thousands of people from starvation, but if I am...God can.

I can live with confidence...just like Joseph.  Not in MY power...but in His. I can believe that I am who God says I am, because HE IS TRUTH. If He says it, it's true. I can prayerfully and hopefully ask for wisdom and humbly relay that wisdom when asked for advice. And I can confidently perform tasks knowing that God is the One working in me to accomplish it.

It's not about ME or what I can do. "With man things are impossible but with God all things are possible". It's about God and His glory and Him taking a mess like me and transforming me into the image of His dear Son.

And all I have to do is submit. Stop trying to do it on my own. Take a break. Rest. It's so contrary to our human perspective, isn't it?

References:

2 Corinthians 1:8-11
Philippians 2:13
Genesis 40,41
Philippians 4:13
Matthew 11:29,30
James 1:5
Matthew 19:26

Letting Go of Perfection: Work in Progress

Love is nothing like what I thought it was.  It's not Holly Golightly and Paul Varjak kissing in the rain.  It's not happily ever after.  It's not fireplaces and slippers and pipes and endless ecstasy.

It's work.

It's hard, gut wrenching work.

Being human is not what I thought it was either (which is probably the reason love isn't what I thought it was).

Before struggling with my own sin and witnessing Michael's struggle, I had never witnessed anyone truly struggle with sin.  Well, I say that, but it's not entirely true.  I did see people struggle with sin but I got the impression that they were somehow "less than"...I always got the impression that anyone who struggled with sin wanted to sin.  None of the "good" people that I knew struggled with sin, or at least I didn't know about it.  I was very judgmental.

In my mind, there was a list of behaviors that were sins and if I could avoid things like dancing or drinking alcohol or dressing immodestly...and make it to church every Sunday...that my life was basically free from sin and I would be "saved".

So when I became old enough to know I was a sinner, for a while I felt like I was okay because I checked off the items on the checklist...but eventually things started going wrong.

I couldn't really understand why I struggled so much on a daily basis...it seemed like everyone else had it all together but I struggle so badly...every day. I just kept thinking that if I could just "get it together" that things would be fine. And as I watched Michael struggle, I was just as judgmental of him as I was of everyone else...and myself.

I kept holding myself and my marriage up to the seemingly perfect models that I saw at church and on TV.

I held onto my images of perfection for a long time. I probably would have told you that I let go...but I hadn't.  It seems like God has been working really hard on me for the past couple of years. I spent the last  year or two literally going through the grieving process as I came to terms with reality.

Because I WANTED to be the perfect Christian girl that everyone looks up to and tries to be like. I WANTED to have a marriage that is admired and sought after my all. I wanted what I thought almost all of the christians I knew had.

But I finally let go. It's for real. I'm not perfect, and I'm never going to be. I struggle with gluttony and self discipline on a continual basis. Michael is not perfect and he's never going to be. My marriage is not perfect and it's never going to be.

But you know what? I'm growing. And even in it's brokenness, marriage is good! God has developed a level of compassion that I never knew was possible.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave the wrong impression...as i said before, I'm not perfect...do I still judge sometimes? Yes. But compassion is becoming more and more of a trend in my life. Instead of seeing the sin, I see the struggle. Because I KNOW what the struggle looks like. I know what it feels like. And my heart hurts for anyone in the midst of it.

God's grace truly is amazing! It continually cleanses us from all unrighteousness. And I need that, continually.

It's like I'm a big, ugly, hard, dirty and formless piece of rock. I know I'm hideous and need to change, but all I can manage is to roll around in the dirt on my own. But slowly God chisels this ugly piece of rock. And every once in a while I see what He's done and I am overwhelmed with His goodness and awesomeness. God is working and His grace covers me! And His grace is truly amazing and sufficient!

Love At First Sight?

I remember the night I met Michael with perfect clarity. I'm not sure I could tell you what I was wearing, but I recall the moment I saw him and the warmth that took over my gut with perfect vividness. Over the next few months of getting to know him (long distance since I lived in West Texas and he lived in Alabama), the more time I spent with him, the more I liked him. I had never liked another human being as much as I liked him.  I had never felt as at home with anyone or felt as safe with anyone as I did with him.

So fast forward 15 and 1/2 years.  

I've never been a believer in love at first sight.  And I'm not saying that's what happened, but as I look over the last 15 and 1/2 years I am convinced that God was working. 

Which is kind of a light bulb, because for a long time I honestly thought that we were a mistake.  I thought that we had made such horrible mistakes that God was going to just leave us to wallow in our depravity. 

Our dating life was marked by sin. We lacked self control, we put ourselves in situations that were less than ideal.  Each of us brought our own set of baggage and sin that exacerbated the others areas of struggle.  We were literally a mess.  And neither of us told anyone. We just pretended that everything was fine.  We hid our sin.  

I broke up with him seven times.  But every time we broke up, he would call me and I would see an inkling of that amazing friendship we had in the beginning and we would "get back together"...only to repeat the same mistakes and sins.  It was so unhealthy.  And now looking back, it was even more unhealthy than we even knew or acknowledged at the time. 

Anyway, we got married after I became pregnant.  

We went through premarital (which ended up being post marital too because we took so long going through the material) counseling.  I'm not going to say it didn't help at all but it certainly did not address the issues we were facing.  Probably mostly because we were never really honest.  

Things escalated as we had baby after baby.  We spent money we didn't have, went through long periods of unemployment, and resorted to physical violence (with each other, not our kids).  My house was a disgusting physical manifestation of the things that were going on in the inside of me.  

At different points we made attempts to ask for help.  But we were never willing to be honest. We went to one marriage counseling session, we both bawled our eyes out telling the counselor what was going on and he handed us a book on communication and told us he wouldn't need to see us again.  We left SO INCREDIBLY frustrated. 

A major turning point came for us when we met with another counselor. We were more honest than we'd ever been and he helped us more than we'd been helped so far.

I wouldn't say there was a 180 degree change...more like the fork in the road that led to a better place.

The thing is, we both felt this incessant instinct to hold on...to keep showing up...even when things were at their worst and divorce seemed like a very real option.  

Over the next few years opportunities arose that allowed us to relieve some of the pressure sources to our marriage.

About 3 years ago God started (I say 'started' but I feel sure it probably started way before this) something amazing inside of me...and for the first time in my entire life I had a REAL relationship with Him...I became sure of my salvation. He has been teaching me some amazing things about forgiveness...how to give it and how to receive it.  

Is this where I tell you we lived happily ever after?

No.  Absolutely not.  

If you were a fly on the wall of our house, you would not see Cinderella and Prince Charming living happily ever after...you would see two people who struggle with sin...two people who snap at each other when they are frustrated (or just sitting on the couch on a normal day under normal circumstances) who very often make bad decisions...and who sometimes fight over really stupid things. 

But you will see two people who love God and who are daily in need of His grace.  

As I reflect on all of this, I no longer believe that we are a mistake.  I believe that God had/has a plan.  I'm not going to presume to say what that is...maybe He's using each of us to beat the other one into submission! :) I don't know.  But I see His work (He's done some really cool things just in the last month) and I can't help but praise Him! Because as amazing as what He's already done is, I bet in another few years I'll look back and be even more amazed by what He's done! 

So why do I feel the need to share this? First of all and most importantly, I want to boast in Jesus Christ! He is awesome! Also, I want anyone who is struggling in their marriage or any other area of their life, to know that they are not alone. You don't have to keep it to yourself.  Don't keep it to yourself! We are all sinners. Find a safe person and let them help you through it! 

You are loved.  

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man...and Chocolate Cake

I ran for the first time in a while today. Honestly, I'm not even sure when the last time I ran was. I think it may have been sometime in February.

I'm not saying I've been sedentary...I've done a lot of bike riding and walking...I just haven't ran.

But today I NEEDED to run.

I was having a moment. Actually, I was having several moments right after I ate a large piece of chocolate cake. I was having a moment where I couldn't see the victory at the end of the struggle...where that big ol' piece of cake was kicking my "can-do-attitude" in the boo-tay.

So I put my running clothes on and headed out the door.

The thing is, running is against my nature. It requires a level of faithfulness that I find difficult, sometimes, to muster. It means bounding from one foot to the other...repeatedly...for long periods of time. Which, for an overweight female, can be kind of painful.

But sometimes it's necessary to do hard things, because it's the hard things that change us the most. It's the hard things that show us who we really are, and who God is. Running clears my head...and I typically spend most of the time either praying or mouthing the words to praise songs...both of which do wonders for my soul.

Well today, my run reminded me that God loves me, that He's on my side and that He's bigger than that GINORMOUS piece of chocolate cake!

It was a good run...and I'm excited to head out again tomorrow!

God is so good to me!

Stepping Out of the Boat

The waters roared and the wind swept viciously, tossing the passengers of the ship timorously into the night. Accomplished seamen reduced to fearful wretches.

In the distance, a figure appears. A man. Confused and baffled by this utter disregard for the physical limitations of man, the seamen mistake their Savior for a ghost.

Realizing their mistake, they call out to him. Peter does the unthinkable. He asks to take a stroll with Jesus.

He steps out of the boat and on to the water and begins to walk. For a few minutes, Peter experienced the utter euphoria of water walking.

But then he took his eyes off of his Savior. And in his humanity he began to doubt. Because, the waves were high and the wind was strong and his actions defied everything he had ever known about the sea and about himself.

You know the rest of the story.

Can you imagine the awesomeness of being able to remember and retell about the time you WALKED ON WATER?! That's the stuff of superhero comic books and Hollywood computer graphics!

As humans we tend to focus on the part of the story where we sink. Sometimes we are so afraid of sinking that we don't even bother to get out of the boat in the first place. We are the disciples who, instead of having an awesome experience where we learn the value of trusting and keeping our eyes on Jesus, sit and watch while Peter gets to walk on water and we secretly wish we'd had the courage to do it too!

Yes Peter sunk and you might too. But Peter didn't drown and neither will you.

Whether you want to lose weight and feel like you just can't do it, or you want to try a new career or you want to read your Bible consistently, don't focus on the obstacles, keep your eyes fixed on the goal and take one step at a time. Those steps will add up. And even if you sink a time or two, refocus and start again.

The polio vaccine, the telephone, the phonograph, automobiles, airplanes...if the men who created them had stopped after one try, none of these things would have been invented. They are a culmination of years of trial and error...of learning what didn't work and applying that knowledge to future endeavors.

Whatever your goal is, don't be so afraid of failure that you never even try for the thing you want. God made you and if you have a heartfelt desire, perhaps he put it there for His glory.

What is your goal? And what ONE THING can you do today to move toward that goal?

Here's My Sign

Several times lately I've seen presentations where a group of sinners who've been saved by God's grace express the change that God has made in their lives with a sign. On one side they put some representation of their old self and on the other they express how Jesus changed them. You know...kind of like a before and after picture.

Well, after witnessing this I started to wonder what MY before/after sign would look like.

Well, honestly, I think I'd need WAY more than ONE sign...because I am very much a "chief of sinners". But for the sake of transparency and my desire to share with you the awesome power of God...here's my sign(s)...

If you're too disgusted to keep reading, please don't stop there...because the disgustingness of THAT makes the gloriousness of the NEXT part even more amazing...

I have been washed in the blood of Jesus and I am saved by the grace of God.

I am forever changed by the love of Jesus. I am not what I once was. Not because I'm "good" now, but because HE is ALWAYS good...and by His power and through His Spirit I am changed.

My cup runneth over.

People are More Important than Food

I love studying nutrition. I love seeking out information on how to help my body function at it's highest capacity.

But you know what I've noticed? I've noticed that sometimes this "knowledge" leads to my looking into other peoples grocery carts and thinking to myself  "oh my goodness, I can't believe they eat that!"

Which has lead me to several observations.

1.  The world of nutrition is a lot like the "religious world"...there are a bunch of people who ALL think they know the truth and anyone who disagrees is either insincere or just ignorant.

For example:

Some people (who are considered experts) say you should take generic fish oil. Other experts say those experts have got it all wrong and you should take krill oil. Still other experts say both of those experts have it wrong and you should take cod liver oil. And the funny thing is, they all have "evidence" to back up their claim.

Sounds confusing, doesn't it?

It basically comes down to who you trust. And the thing is, the people who follow these people obviously benefit from doing so...so maybe they all have their place and maybe God never intended for us to get so uppity about it all.

2.  I think that sometimes nutrition gets taken out of context. Yes, we should strive to be good stewards of our bodies. Yes we should use self control and do what we can to keep our bodies working at their optimum level so that when our "neighbors" need our help we are healthy and able to do so...but when our nutrition views take precedents over who we will and won't socialize with or how we view people who don't agree with us or follow a different plan...then it is out of it's context.

3.  But the thing is, it doesn't matter how much fish oil (or krill oil or cod liver oil) we take...we don't have the power to add even one day to our lives.

4.  Eating healthy foods (and taking supplements if you choose to do so) is only meaningful in the context of being a servant, of loving God with everything that we are...because our bodies are not our own.

5.  If nutrition gets in the way of loving people, it has lost it's meaning. If I place so much emphasis on nutrition that I find myself using it as a basis of judgement, then it has no value.

I'm going to continue to strive to feed my family healthy things. But I'm going to do it with the understanding that whether I take krill oil or fish oil or cod liver oil (or follow a specific diet or nutrition plan) only has eternal value if it aids me in loving God.

All we can do is our best and if a friend wants to meet me at McDonalds for lunch...that person has more value than my nutritional stance on the food offerings of McDonalds. I will happily and without regret or reservation gobble up a cheeseburger and maybe a fry or two...all in the name of love!

So there you have it! :)

Promises

"If you continue in my word, then are you my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free" John 8:31,32

I guess that's my answer.

Continue in His word.

Be His disciple.

Know the truth.

Be set free.

Sounds like a plan!