Communication Techniques that Perpetuate Conflict

Butterflies flittered in my stomach as he called the meeting to order. 

I knew he was going to confront them. 

But as I listened intently as he addressed them, he wasn't saying what he said he planned to say. He was saying something adjacent. 

This was the beginning of a major conflict that triggered a massive crisis for me. 

More than once I have been a confidante for people on more than one side of the same argument. Each experience has had it's own set of circumstances, but the roots and the actions that perpetuate the argument are always the same. 

What is at the root of every conflict I've heard more than one side of?

1. Incomplete communication. One person makes a statement that is the tip of the iceberg of what they actually mean. Maybe out of a desire to avoid conflict, they say just enough to convince themselves that they have communicated what they needed to, but not enough so that the other party understands exactly what they are saying. It's like two ships passing in the night. 

If I don't communicate the entire iceberg, I cannot expect anyone else to accurately discern the whole iceberg. They may fill-in a completely different iceberg, or fail to understand that there is a bigger iceberg. 

It's understandable. Conflict is uncomfortable. I lose my nerve when I'm face to face with the person on the other side of the conversation. But anything less than exactly what I need to communicate is a failure to communicate and will perpetuate conflict.

2. Passive or passive aggressive communication. Communicating passively leaves the other parties to fill in blanks with inaccurate information. So both parties THINK they know what has been communicated but actually, both parties have very different understandings because they have filled in the blanks differently. 

This also feeds resentment and contempt, both of which are detrimental to communication and successful relationships.

3. Withdrawal. Withdrawal leads to less communication. Then the involved parties project what they assume are the thoughts and feelings of the other people onto those other people. This is followed by even less communication. This leads to the objectification of the other people involved, which provokes people to vilify each other. This objectification and vilification provides the grounds that are needed to dismiss the people on the other side as immoral or otherwise unworthy of consideration. 

What I take away from this is this:

1. Communicate courageously, accurately and completely. Resist the urge to hint at what I want the other person to know. Say everything I need the other person to know with kindness and completeness. 

2. Be assertive, but compassionate. Say what I need to say openly, accurately and kindly. 

3. Lean in, and get curious. When I am tempted to withdraw, lean in. Spend more time getting to know the thoughts and feelings of the other person. Resist the urge to back off or withdraw. Learn to accept people for who they are and get comfortable with allowing people to disagree with me without moralizing it or vilifying them. 

How to Eliminate Drama from Relationships

 

1. Communicate clearly - write contracts. 

When agreeing to fulfill a specific role for someone I know, I should always write a contract that specifies the expectations of both parties. 

This can feel awkward because it isn't common. You know what IS common? Drama. Drama is common and stressful. Do I want the awkwardness of writing and signing a contract, or the stress of ongoing drama? If I want to mitigate drama, I should write contracts that lay out expectations and boundaries that will define the relationship/role. 

For instance, if I agree to help my friend decorate her home, I should write a contract that lists clearly and explicitly what my role will be and what I expect from everyone else involved. Even things that seem obvious to me should be written down. If I don't want to receive texts about decor after 8pm, I should specify that in the contract. The role of each person directly involved in the decorating should be clearly explained in painstaking detail. Deadlines should be clearly communicated. 

As things evolve, those new details should be written down and shared with all parties. 

If I have a phone call where we decide that someone needs to call a plumber - whose job is that? when does that need to be completed? who will communicate with the person the task is assigned to? who is the contact point if there is a problem with this task? 

If decisions need to be made - who needs to make them? and what is the deadline? who do the decisions need to be communicated to?

After the conversation or phone call, I should follow up the conversation with a text or email or other written communication that summarizes the conversation - including explicitly listing the job of each person, what the deadline is, who will communicate with the assigned party, and how we will follow up if there is a problem. In addition, I should request text, email or written confirmation of the information from the person I had the conversation with. Then, this should be added to the canon of the original contract. 

This reduces the chances of miscommunication and different understandings of who is responsible and what the responsibilities are. 

2. Own my part. Did I miscommunicate? Did I gossip? Was my ego triggered, resulting in me acting in pride? Did I make an assumption? Did I communicate with the wrong person? Did I expect someone to read my mind? Did I project something onto the other person? Did I fail to keep a commitment? Was I defensive? Was I arrogant? Was I unforgiving? Did I speak harshly? 

Drama isn't perpetuated by one person or one side of the argument. It takes two to tango. It takes at least two sides to perpetuate drama. 

3. The buck stops with me. When drama comes my way through gossip, complaining, etc., it doesn't get passed along. I don't repeat what person A said about person B to person B or anyone else. Also, when person A tells me something about person B, I stop them and tell them to talk to person B about the problem. 

4. Get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. When I first become aware of conflict I should go directly to the person the conflict involves and speak to them about it. I shouldn't give myself time to ruminate about it, but rather go and deal with it immediately. 

Talking to someone about a conflict we are having is vulnerable and can be uncomfortable, but take into consideration the alternative. How does it feel to overhear someone talking about you behind your back? How does it feel to be told someone else said something unkind about you? How does it feel to find out that the person I said something unkind about actually heard what I said? Is that better than taking the initiative to deal with the conflict immediately, as soon as it appears? 

5. Approach conflict as allies who have a problem to solve, rather than opponents trying to get our way. 

6. Ask questions. If I am confused by someone else's behavior or it seems to be odd or inconsistent from what I would expect, ask them for clarification as soon as possible. Don't assume, project or spend time ruminating about what their behavior could mean. Have a conversation immediately. Do not text. Speak in person if possible, call if it's not.

7. Spend equal amounts of time listening to all parties in a conflict. Don't take one parties word for what has been done or said. Ask questions, clarify. Set the record straight. Don't allow what one person says to change the way I think of or interact with someone else. 

8. If I haven't said something explicitly, don't assume that someone else already knows it. Even if I have said it explicitly, I need to get comfortable with repeating myself as many times as needed. 

9. If a text or written communication seems to convey conflict or negative feelings, stop texting and call or have an in-person meeting. 

10. When conflict has been resolved, stop talking about it. If you can't stop thinking and talking about it,  talk to someone you trust to tell you the truth. If not being able to let go of negative feelings is a pattern, you may need to address this with a professional or with a person who can walk you through repenting of unforgiveness and resentment. 

11. Allow people to make their own decisions about themselves. Don't exclude someone from an event, conversation or opportunity to help you because you think they won't be able to participate or don't want to participate. Allow them to make their own decisions about their ability, desire and boundaries. It's not my job to protect other people or make decisions for them. Ere on the side of inclusion. 

Purpose in the Darkness

My eyes scream when I flip on the light switch, but I'm not taking the chance of one of the bathroom snake stories I've heard happening to me. 

So I turn the light on. The unpleasant eye strain is worth the peace of mind of being able to examine the bathroom for snakes. 

In a lot of instances, light is a positive thing. Light illuminates, it helps me to see. 

But the truth is, the darkness plays a pivotal role in our wellbeing as well. Light at night disrupts our bodies processes that lead to our bodies functioning optimally. It disrupts melatonin production, which makes our sleep not as restful, which disrupts the tasks our bodies do while we are asleep. 

Darkness, in the right context, is right and good. It's like gangrene. In my childbearing years my midwife explained to me that gangrene helps a babies umbilical cord to fall off quickly. If I get gangrene at any other time, in any other part of my body it has devastating effects. 

I've come to recognize the pivotal role that my Dark Night of the Soul has played in my spiritual and mental wellbeing. 

I believe the Dark Night provided me the means and fortitude to take the rest I needed. To differentiate from codependent relationships. To learn to trust myself. To take responsibility for myself. To exist without striving. To tread spiritual water. To be consistent for the sake of being consistent. 

There was no snake in the darkness, and no gangrene to consume me. It was darkness that provided me with rest and revitalization. That empowered restoration, concentration and clear thinking. 

To read the next installment in this series, click here.