Butterflies flittered in my stomach as he called the meeting to order.
I knew he was going to confront them.
But as I listened intently as he addressed them, he wasn't saying what he said he planned to say. He was saying something adjacent.
This was the beginning of a major conflict that triggered a massive crisis for me.
More than once I have been a confidante for people on more than one side of the same argument. Each experience has had it's own set of circumstances, but the roots and the actions that perpetuate the argument are always the same.
What is at the root of every conflict I've heard more than one side of?
1. Incomplete communication. One person makes a statement that is the tip of the iceberg of what they actually mean. Maybe out of a desire to avoid conflict, they say just enough to convince themselves that they have communicated what they needed to, but not enough so that the other party understands exactly what they are saying. It's like two ships passing in the night.
If I don't communicate the entire iceberg, I cannot expect anyone else to accurately discern the whole iceberg. They may fill-in a completely different iceberg, or fail to understand that there is a bigger iceberg.
It's understandable. Conflict is uncomfortable. I lose my nerve when I'm face to face with the person on the other side of the conversation. But anything less than exactly what I need to communicate is a failure to communicate and will perpetuate conflict.
2. Passive or passive aggressive communication. Communicating passively leaves the other parties to fill in blanks with inaccurate information. So both parties THINK they know what has been communicated but actually, both parties have very different understandings because they have filled in the blanks differently.
This also feeds resentment and contempt, both of which are detrimental to communication and successful relationships.
3. Withdrawal. Withdrawal leads to less communication. Then the involved parties project what they assume are the thoughts and feelings of the other people onto those other people. This is followed by even less communication. This leads to the objectification of the other people involved, which provokes people to vilify each other. This objectification and vilification provides the grounds that are needed to dismiss the people on the other side as immoral or otherwise unworthy of consideration.
What I take away from this is this:
1. Communicate courageously, accurately and completely. Resist the urge to hint at what I want the other person to know. Say everything I need the other person to know with kindness and completeness.
2. Be assertive, but compassionate. Say what I need to say openly, accurately and kindly.
3. Lean in, and get curious. When I am tempted to withdraw, lean in. Spend more time getting to know the thoughts and feelings of the other person. Resist the urge to back off or withdraw. Learn to accept people for who they are and get comfortable with allowing people to disagree with me without moralizing it or vilifying them.
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