Raising God Pleasers Instead of People Pleasers

I've spent a lot of my time as an adult doing things to please other people. Or earn their favor. Or manipulate them into giving me what I need.

This behavior is a result of my misunderstanding of my relationship with God and with other people.

It's called codependency.

I held the mistaken belief that if I just did the right things, in the right order, at the right time and with the right people...if I could just get all of that right God would love and save me.

But guess what?! It doesn't work that way. I'm never going to do all the right things in the right order at the right time and with the right people all the time. And I might not even pray for every single specific thing that I do wrong and God still loves me. And His grace still saves me.

My salvation is not based on how many prayers I say or how often I read my Bible or doing the right things and not doing the wrong things. It's based on my faith and God's grace.

It doesn't matter who approves of me or not. I'm living for God, not other people.

This shift in my belief system has changed the way I parent. I base my decisions as a parent on how they will affect my childrens relationship with God and how they "see" Him.

I love them based on our relationship. On who they are. Not how they perform. I want my kids to do the right things because they are right. Because it glorifies God. Not so other people will notice and compliment them. If they get compliments...awesome. If not...awesome. It's not about performing.

My feelings for them don't change based on how clean their room is or how many compliments or complaints I get on their behavior.

What other people tell me about my kids might affect future teaching but it doesn't affect how I feel about them. Because God's opinion of me doesn't change based on how others feel about me. He knows my heart. So when someone complains to Him about me, they are not giving Him new information. And since He knows my heart, I don't have to worry about Him believing something that isn't true about me.

And that's how I interact with my kids. Except I can't actually know their heart. But I weigh what I know about them against any new information I receive and proceed accordingly. I want them to live their life thinking about what God wants, not what other people want. I want them to live courageous lives for God because they depend on Him and His approval and aren't always performing to receive compliments or approval from other people.

I just want them to give the appropriate weight to the opinions of other people. Even mine. If my opinion or what I want them to do ever contradicts what they believe God wants them to do...then I hope they go with what God wants and ignore mine.

The bottom line is, I want my kids to depend on God, not other people for the things they need. And I want them to be secure in God's love and live for Him and His glory. I want them to be like Paul and run the race that God has set before them for God and God alone.

Can you imagine all the things that Paul would have done differently if He were overly concerned about what other people thought of him? I daresay his ministry would have looked a lot different than it did. And not in a God glorifying way.

The thing is, I'm still struggling with my own issues with codependency. I still find myself looking to other people for the things that only God can supply. And feeling hopeless and wondering whether I matter to God at times because I fail so constantly.

So I read God's word and I am reminded of the truth. God loves me. He forgives me. And He accepts me. Regardless of whether other people do.

Death to Self

I'm a slow processor.

I'm a really good person to have around during a crisis or emergency because I don't freak out at first. My brain goes into hyper drive and my body kicks into gear. I usually do the grunt work that requires little or no talent.

But then when all of the work is done, it's my turn to "freak out".

I'm also a slow processor when I learn something new. Some times it just takes me a while to organize new information in my head. And some times I need a picture. I need to know how the new information will or should affect my life.

This is never more true than with scripture.

For years I've been mulling around the idea of "dying to self" or to "deny self". What does it mean? What does it look like? How will it affect my life? Can I do that? Or maybe the real question is 'will I do that?'

Well, I'll tell ya, I'm not a great Bible scholar. I'm just a girl with a Bible and books and the internet. So, in my limited understanding I'll tell you what I've learned.

I've learned that dying to self is a continual process. It is an hourly, daily, minute-by-minute decision to put God and others before myself...to deny my self centered impulses and desires and elevate Christ and HIS desires (and thereby others) in my heart.

One of the things I get hung up on is expecting complete and utter change over night.

I'm not going to wake up tomorrow as an entirely transformed, dead-to-self person because I decided to be one today. It takes time. And while I'm in the process, Jesus' blood covers me. So God sees Him instead of my deficiency.

As I continually make the decision to die to myself and live for Christ, the desires and impulses of my flesh will hold less and less weight in my heart until they eventually hold none.

So what does this look like in my life?

Well, I've been praying for God to give me a vision (or idea) of what it will ultimately look like. And He has. For now, it looks like me getting up in the morning and acknowledging that God is in control and keeping Him and His vision always before me. And trusting Him to complete the work He's begun in me. It looks like studying and meditating on the life of Jesus and His teachings. It looks like practicing self denial as I go about my daily tasks to encourage new habits during "crunch" times. And it looks like praying for God to "work in my inner being to change the things that keep me from obeying His Son" (Willard/Simpson, page 80).

I have to admit, I'm a little afraid. I'm afraid of what I might have to give up and what He might require of me.

I know that God is good. I believe that with all of my heart. He's proven Himself faithful time and time again.

So even though my flesh is afraid, I'm deciding to trust Him anyway. I choose Him. I choose death. And I'm trusting that He will show me the way to true life in Him.

References:

Galatians 2:20
Luke 9:23
Romans 6
Colossians 3:3
Matthew 16:24-26

Revolution of Character by Dallas Willard with Don Simpson

An Open Door

Twice every week I hit the publish button on this blog. Rain or shine, good times or bad, feast or famine.

Most of the time I do it reluctantly. "Why would anyone read this?" "There are a million people who could write it better." "I should just go hunt down an article about whatever I've written about and share that." 

But I hit the button anyway because I trust my God. And I want Him to have what He's blessed me with for His own glory. When He comes to see what I've done with what He's given me I want Him to know that I DIDN'T bury my one talent. I want to give it my all so that it will grow and give Him even more glory. Not because He needs it but because He deserves it and I want to give Him all I can.

Lately I've been feeling frustrated. I know I need to improve my writing and I know that to some extent just writing regularly will do that. But I want to learn, I want to soak in knowledge. I want to be taught. I want my offering to God to grow. I want to give Him the best that I can possibly muster. 

I also don't want to get ahead of God. I want to receive HIS blessings in HIS timing. I want it to be all for His glory and not my own. 

Sometimes I'm tempted to do that. Sometimes I am like Sarah and I don't see God working and I decide to figure it out myself and implement my own plan...only to realize that my plan has nothing to do with God's and it was all a terrible idea anyway. 

So I've been writing and publishing faithfully for the last 4 months with my eyes and ears open. Watching like a hawk for a sign from God. Not seeking anything out, just watching so I'd be ready if God presented a door for me to walk through. 

And a friend told me about Compel. It's basically exactly what I've been looking for. For a monthly fee I can become a member and receive assignments and feedback and training and teaching and...oh so much! I just can't believe how exactly what I've been looking for it is!!!

I think I may have found the door. 

The prospect of getting to really work on my writing skills in a way that works for my family is super exciting! I know that God will provide if this is truly His plan for me.

It's really hard to wait sometimes. Sometimes I really want to go out and seek out what I'm looking for and force something to happen, but I'm so glad every time I DON'T do that.

God really is good. His gifts and His timing are so worth the wait!!!

Wife Fail! :) Lesson Learned

I attend Celebrate Recovery every Thursday night. It's a Christ centered 12 step recovery program. It's for anyone who has a "hurt, habit or hang up" that they need help overcoming. It's a tool to help people grow to be more like Jesus.

One aspect of the program is called "share group". Basically, each participant gets an opportunity to share whatever is on their heart, without being interrupted, in a completely safe environment.

Confession: I used to really dislike share group. Because suddenly when it's my turn my mind goes blank and I can barely form a coherent sentence. But I have participated because I trust the process and I assumed that at some point it would "click" and I would "get it" and be glad I went.

Well, I think the day has come.

The other day Michael started to tell me a story. It was about something that had hurt his feelings and was bothering him.

He didn't even get finished before I said something to the effect of "that shouldn't hurt your feelings".

He immediately stopped talking.

In my mind I was helping him see the situation differently so that he would feel better about it. But it was rude. And arrogant. And unhelpful.

I should have just listened silently. Instead of trying to fix or help, I should have just listened. Because the benefit of any advice I could have given would not have done for him what just letting him talk it out and process it would have done.

People need that. People need to be heard. People need a safe environment to share what's going on in their hearts and to process it so they can move on. And I'm supposed to be out sharing God's goodness with others and this is one way I can and should be doing that. The Body of Christ should be one big, giant safe place.

But how can I bear anyone else's burdens if I don't listen long and well enough to hear the problem? How can I be sad with people who are sad if I am telling them why they shouldn't be sad? How can I hear their heart if I'm talking?

I eventually got to hear the rest of the story. But it took a while. Because on top of the hurt he was already feeling, now he felt scolded and rebuked for feeling his feelings. Not cool, Hannah, not cool.

I think I've learned my lesson though. I'm not saying I'll never mess up but I intend to be super intentional about it. It is my mission. To listen. Not fix, not help, not criticize, not think up some (not so) sage advice. Just. listen. Intently. And with my whole heart.

Because you deserve it. No matter who you are. No matter what you've done. You deserve it.

James 1:19
Proverbs 18:13
Proverbs 18:2
Proverbs 10:19

Why There IS Hope for the Rest of Us Even Though Bennifer Didn't Make It

I read an article the other day where a young woman lamented the break up of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and quarried that since THEY couldn't make marriage work that "there is no hope for the rest of us".

Now, I don't know what the circumstances of their divorce are and I don't need/want to know, but I want to be clear that there absolutely are situations where divorce is the only option. If a partner refuses to change or get help divorce may be the right choice.

But after many moments where I didn't know how we were going to make it or if I could keep on loving, I believe with all of my heart that there is hope for the rest of us.

Not because it is always fun and not because it always feels good, because it isn't and it doesn't. Living with someone, hearing them pass gas in the night and making major and minor life decisions with them day in and day out is going to lead to some tension. And the deep and ugly sin that I've managed to hide from every other person in my life is to my marriage what a major break in the foundation is to a house. It gets worse with time. It affects everything...even small things like the way a chair rolls across the floor.

But sin and struggle don't make a marriage bad and they don't mean there's no hope.

Marriage has led me to Jesus. And God has used it, more than anything else, to transform me into the likeness of His Son.

I believe with all of my heart that there IS hope and here's why I believe that...

1. God is good. He made marriage and He called it good and He Always Tells the truth.

2. God loves us and provides for us. He made woman because man was alone. And then when they sinned He concocted this amazing and intricate scheme to redeem us from it. Amazing love! How can it be!?!

3. The gospel is powerful. It is sharper than any two edged sword. It changes lives. God promises that anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart will find Him. And finding Him produces fruit. Good fruit. And good fruit in my life will produce good fruit in my marriage.

It does. I know. The gospel has changed me. It has transformed me from the bitter, negative attention seeking, lying, suicidal girl I was into a hopeful, forgiving, honest, live-for-Jesus girl. I'm not perfect. I have lots of areas that are in need of growth but I'm on the path and I praise God for that!

4. Free will. I have a choice. A good marriage is an intentional one. "Not getting along" is not something that just happens...it's a choice. Good, Christ honoring marriages don't just happen.  It is a decision...

• to forgive. Over and over and over. The way God, through Christ Jesus, has forgiven me. It isn't an emotion that either comes or doesn't. It is a decision and it is MADE. 

• to hold my tongue when I should, communicate when it's time and confess when I'm wrong. It is my responsibility to communicate respectfully. Complaining and criticizing are different than communicating the tools that Michael needs to be a good husband to me. Complaining and criticism belittle and provoke him, communication empowers him. 

• to love him deeply. Because love covers a multitude of sin. He's flawed just like me. And just like me he needs someone to know all of his stuff and love him anyway. 

• to be transformed. Gravely wronging someone, being gravely wronged and then committing to work it out and make it good anyway requires major renovation of the heart. It requires continual surrender. If I let Him, God can use my marriage to make me like Jesus. But it's not a passive thing, it's a decision I have to make. Over and over and over and over and over and...you get my drift. :) As my heart is renovated, my marriage is too. 

There is hope. There is so much hope for my marriage in Jesus. And Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and their ability to keep it together have nothing to do with that.

Why It's Important for My Heavenly Citizenship to Hold More Weight than My Earthly One

I feel grateful to be an American. I have privileges and opportunities that many in this world do not have. 

I have clean water, a soft bed to sleep in, a machine to wash our clothes and a car to take me wherever I want to go. I can wear what I want, (for the most part) say what I want, live where I want and believe what I want.

It's important for me to never take any of that for granted. And also for me to use what I have to give to others. Because it ISN'T mine. It's Gods. I'm just the steward.

But I also think it's important to remember that this world and this country aren't the be-all-and-end-all. My citizenship is ultimately in Heaven, not the United States. The United States can't and won't save my soul. 

God is not a respecter of persons and the United States and it's citizens aren't the new chosen people of God.

The chosen people of God, the royal priesthood are followers of Christ. Whether they are American, Israeli, South African, Mexican, Iraqi or Chinese. 

My earthly citizenship only matters in the earthly realm. Because guess what?! Jesus doesn't care if my earthly father was Osama Bin Laden, if I confess His name, He will confess mine. 

Yes, God requires that I obey the laws of this land and that I respect the government (and I do)...out of my loyalty to Him, not the government. My loyalty is His and because of that I render to Cesar what is Cesars. And because my heart is His, when I have to make a decision between following HIM and obeying the government the decision is already made because my loyalty always belonged to God.

God's kingdom is eternal. It is unshakable, and unchangeable. His thoughts are higher than ours. He knows all the sides to every argument. And He knows how every decision will affect us in the future. He is unaffected by Republican and Democratic platforms. He is a Father to the fatherless and He has the ultimate plan to care for the needs of the poor. 

And because He lives and He didn't give me a Spirit of fear but of power and love and sound judgment, I can face the future and whatever it holds. Whatever laws are passed, it's going to be okay. Regardless of which battles are fought and what arguments are made...Jesus wins. Whether or not anyone here acknowledges that. 

Jesus is LORD. Of the United States of America. Whether she acknowledges Him or not. He is Lord. 

Rejected!

I received a rejection letter today.

Before you feel the need to comfort me, please know that I'm completely fine.

A while back I learned that (in)Courage was accepting submissions for blog posts to be used on their site. It needed to be something original that had not been previously published and it should fit the tone for the site and the theme for the time frame it would be published.

I immediately wanted to submit something. I wanted honest feedback about my writing from someone who doesn't already love me or like me or feel connected to me in some way. But I decided that I was not going to submit anything unless I felt prompted by God to do it. I wasn't going to force it. (On a side, but relevant, note I'm actually not sure if I stuck to this decision. I'm still asking God to open my eyes to blindness and denial...so He may reveal to me that I didn't wait for Him at all...that I jumped ahead in my own timing instead of His.)

So one night I sat down and wrote something. It wasn't phenomenal but I felt the push to submit it, so I did. I felt totally okay at the thought of receiving a rejection. If they used it, cool. If not, cool. Either way I totally trusted that God would use it for my good. And I believe that is true.

I struggle frequently with feeling like I don't have anything valuable to offer the world. But as my faith is growing and my ability to refute Satan's lies grows I recognize that I do have something to offer. God's power is made perfect in weakness.  So I write this blog as my "yes to God". I write this blog out of faith. Faith that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to heal me and change me from the inside out. Faith that I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that I have a place in His body. Not because I'M awesome, but because HE IS.

Someone recently asked me what my blogging goals are and the only thing I could think to say was "to use the measure of talent that God has given me for His glory".

I'm not saying that to make myself seem more spiritual than I am. I'm saying that to reinforce to myself and to anyone reading this that this blog and anything I write is for Him. It's because I believe He gave me any talent that I have. Out of all the things in my life, writing has been the thing I've (in)consistently done because it feels like a calling. I feel compelled to do it.

Maybe there's something He wants me to learn from this. Maybe at some point I'll decide that I'm just really not good at this and that it really isn't what I should be doing. But that's okay. Because I want to be doing what HE wants me to be doing.

I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. At least I'm trying not to. I do sometimes, it's something I struggle with. But best case scenario, I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. Because God's not. He's the one I'm here for. I'm here because I'm doing a little planting and a little watering but God will always give the increase. It will never be my writing ability that will give the increase. It's always God. It's only by His power.

I'm going to write because as far as I can tell, that's what He's called me to. Maybe at some point I'll realize that I made a mistake in thinking that. Maybe I'll be embarrassed that I ever had the nerve to hit publish. But I'm going to do it anyway, because I trust God. And I'm offering what I have to Him. It isn't much but it's what I have.

My God is good. And His grace is sufficient. And that kind of makes me want to dance and sing. :) Be glad that's NOT what He's called me to!!! :)

The One Where I Should "Be the Change..."

 One of my favorite episodes of Friends is the one where Phoebe and Rachel decide to start running and Rachel is embarrassed by the way Phoebe runs. Instead of talking to Phoebe about it (or just getting over it) she talks to all the other "Friends" and makes up excuses to give Phoebe for why she didn't go jogging with her. Phoebe eventually realizes there's something wrong and confronts Rachel and Rachel admits the problem and everyone has a little growing experience.

Passive aggressiveness and unhealthy relationships used to be a way of life for me. This is an area where God is doing some serious renovation in my life. He started showing me a few years ago how damaging passive aggressiveness is and has mostly cleansed my life of it. But I still struggle with passiveness quite a bit! I'm so thankful for God's grace.

The amazing thing that I've learned is that relationships don't have to be that way.  I don't have to go around wondering what people mean by what they say (whether or not they expect me to). Or trying to decode the hidden meaning behind their words and actions. And I don't have to communicate that way either. It's so exhausting. 

God doesn't want that for my relationships. Every scripture about how I should be interacting with others is evidence of that. He wants us to be kind to one another. Not just to each other's faces but even behind their backs. 

Passive aggressiveness, gossip and backbiting damage relationships. Not speaking up when I need something and then complaining because I don't get it is damaging to relationships. Telling things that aren't mine to tell is damaging to relationships. Wearing a mask is damaging to relationships.

All of this relationship damage impairs the body of Christ. Can you imagine if my physical brain decided that it didn't need to communicate openly with the rest of my body? Unfortunately a lot of people don't have to imagine, they've witnessed it.

The thing is, I don't have to live this way. The body of Christ doesn't have to function this way. The change starts with me. 

What if I was honest? What if I just loved people for real? What if I were as kind about you to Tom, Dick and Harry as I am to your face? What if when I need something I just ask for it? What if I forgive as God has forgiven me? What if I just shut my mouth instead of telling your story? What if when you do something to offend me, I just let you know? And when I've offended you I just ask for forgiveness instead of excusing and defending?

What if we were all safe people? 

I don't know, that sounds pretty awesome to me.

Ephesians 4:17-32

Matthew 5:37

Sometimes My Kids Set Me Straight Volume II

About a week and a half ago, my big boys were packing for Scout camp. I had planned to start early, and we did but we didn't finish early and I was headed for my old panic routine of completely flipping out. I don't even remember the specifics, but I remember that I was probably channeling the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland (OFF with their heads!).

I've always said that I want my family to be different. I don't want to yell at each other. I don't want my kids to think I'm a hypocrite. I don't want my kids to be angry at me. I don't want slammed doors and words spewed like venom.

I want love and respect. Even in disagreement. 

I used to be a yeller. As a young mom, I found myself going down a lot of roads I said I never would. 

I didn't know how to be a mom. I didn't know how to create an environment that embodied all of the things I wanted for my family. I still don't really. I know that sounds silly but I honestly was ignorant. I knew that I was supposed to clean the house and feed and bathe my children but I did not understand how to do all of that. It didn't and doesn't come natural to me. I really wish that I had asked someone to help me. But I thought I was supposed to know how to do it all, and I was too prideful to let anyone know how much I didn't know. 

God has done so much work in me. He has sent people my way to teach me and help me. I still have a looooooong way to go but I am so thankful for His work in my life. Did you notice that I said I used to be a yeller?! Uh huh. I used to be. I still mess up every once in a while but I am definitely in recovery for that.

So, in my Queen of Hearts state, Nathaniel had had enough and returned fire (via a response spoken under his breath). I reprimanded him. I was NOT prepared for what happened next. He turned to me and said "when you made that face I felt tempted to talk back to you". I had managed not to yell but apparently the look on my face was pretty rabid...I'm thinking probably Cruella DeVille-ish. Yeah, it was so bad that I have to use more than one Disney villain to fully express the awfulness.

Photo Credit

I actually had a hard time keeping a straight face. We've been working on using the whole "when you...I feel...I need" statements and he totally turned it on me!!! It immediately convicted me and I asked for forgiveness. 

And as they left for camp I spent time in prayer for my sweet boys and for myself. I spent the week asking God to make me a better mom and to transform me completely and to do whatever it takes to make me like Jesus. 

I'm not going to say that I am fixed and that my son will never have to let me know I've crossed the line again, but I am so glad to have them home. I really missed them but I'm so thankful that they had the opportunity to go. 

And I am thankful for the opportunity to see where I'm deficient and to surrender more fully to God's care and control and to all the changes he wants to make in my life.

Whatever It Takes

I've gone to church my whole life. I have sung "this world is not my home, I'm justa passin' through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue..." so many times that I can't possibly count. I have heard sermon after sermon after sermon about Heaven and the limitations of this Earth. 

I know in my head that this world is not where I belong. I know in my head that this world isn't meant to satisfy me and that it never will. Not my marriage. Not my home. Not my kids. Not my personal sense of accomplishment. 

But the other day I had a sort of 'aha!' moment.

I was pondering my beliefs about life. About my marriage in particular. I was kind of doing a heart check to see if my beliefs line up with God's word and I realized that they don't. 

I realized that my heart was still holding onto the belief that if I could just work hard enough or find the secret formula that all of my needs/wants could be met and I could be completely and utterly happy based on that. 

The thing is, this life isn't about this life. 

Being dissatisfied here is a good thing. It is those feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment that send me running straight into the arms of God and into a deeper relationship with Him.

This life and this place and these people and this food are not meant to satisfy me. It's not their job. 

And that heart realization is revolutionizing me. It immediately lifted weight off my shoulders and gave me a sense of peace.

I can be content and even joyful in the imperfections and trials of this life. I can allow those moments to draw me closer to God.

When my husband lets me down, I can let him off the hook and praise God for the reminder that He is my completer and ultimate provider.

When my own flaws and imperfections become apparent and the limitations of my humanity show their face, I can praise God and seek His kingdom and trust that His power is perfected in my weakness.

My desire is for transformation. I have been praying for that. I long to be like Jesus. But I've been complaining about the very things He was using to answer those prayers. 

Hm...that reminds me of a song. How about you?! 

So today my prayer is "whatever it takes God. Whatever it takes to draw me to You. Please give me that. As scary as that could be....I trust You. Please give me that." 

Getting Real About Marriage

A little over a year ago, I wrote this post about my marriage. (And then about 6 months ago I wrote this one)

I kind of laugh at myself now because I didn't even know how unperfect my marriage was.

The truth is, I'm feeling a little bit cynical these days. I have a hard time reading anything about how to have a good marriage, because most of it seems so naive. And because I've taken so much of that advice and worked hard to implement it and I have still ended up where I have ended up. Broken. In a broken marriage. With a broken man.

We don't struggle with fighting about underwear on the floor. I mean, we might bicker about that periodically but it's never really about the underwear on the floor. 

Basically, his character defects and addictions have spent the last 15 years colliding with my character defects and addictions and now there's a desperate need for a "clean up on isle"...us. All this time we thought the mess was normal and okay and what we deserved. So we lived in it. And as we lived in it, it grew. 

I finally realized a few years ago that it wasn't normal and that things really could be different and so I started reading books and blogs about how to do it better...how to clean up this mess I'd made. And it did get cleaned up. Things got better and better. 

But it was like trying to clean up the water from a leak in the roof without fixing the leak in the roof. 

So, here we are fixing the leak in the roof. And I keep having to remind myself and hear the truth that I can't fix it by myself. 

The thing is, I can't fix my marriage without fixing me. A bridge can't be stable if the individual components aren't stable. A bridge can only be as strong as the individual structures that hold it together are. 

Our marriage can only be as strong and stable as Michael and I are. It can only be as Christ like as Michael and I are. 

And so we're working on our marriage by working on ourselves. We are surrendering to the changes that God sees fit to make in our lives. And we are loving each other deeply in the process. 

A New Deuteronomy

It is amazing how quickly I can get off track. How quickly I can forget my purpose.

Like with this blog. A little over two months ago I made a commitment to myself to write something every day and to post something to this blog two days a week.

I didn't care a whole lot if I got any page views. Because this is not about that.

But I fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted and approved of and I compare myself to other people. And I start questioning myself. Maybe people are just being nice. If I were really a good writer wouldn't....fill in the blank...happen?

What it really comes down to is writing, with whatever level of talent God has given me, is what God has given me. I'm a writer and I think that God wants me to use that to tell the story of what He's done for me and what He's still doing and what He's teaching me.

But like the one talent man in the story of the talents, sometimes I lose my nerve. I question and I am tempted to just bury it. Because someone else can do it better. What can I possibly contribute to the world with my small and limited talent?

The thing that I seem to keep forgetting is that this isn't about me. It isn't about who approves of me or who accepts me or who I compare to. It. Isn't. About. Me.

So I'm having my own little Deuteronomy moment. I'm taking a moment to remember and tell myself the story of the Gospel and how that precious story has changed my life.

I'm refocusing. And I'm returning

My purpose is to bring glory to God. To let His light shine through me. To tell the story of His amazing grace in my life.

What He does with that is His business.

The Best Cure for Writers Block

At some point in my school career one or more of my teachers addressed the issue of "writers block". They advised us to sit down and just start writing something. Anything. Just write whatever popped into our heads--no matter how silly--and eventually we would be able to write for our assignment.

I still take that advice.

Which is why I just wrote out the lyrics of What's New, Pussycat?

Yes. Yes I did.

Annnyyywayyy.

For a long time I have felt a strong desire to deal with the sin in my life. Beyond just willing myself to stop doing it and failing over and over again. Somethings I had kind of learned my lesson on and stopped on my own--like lying, being passive aggressive and gossiping. But I still needed growth.

I was struggling in a lot of other areas and didn't know how to get to the root and actually deal with them. Most people don't talk a lot about their stuff. I really tried to but people just didn't seem to know either.

I prayed about his a lot.

Well, back in September, one day I just got an overwhelming urge to go to Celebrate Recovery. I contacted a friend who could give me the scoop about times and stuff and decided to go that evening.

It was a little awkward at first. But I decided to trust that God would use it to work on me.

A few months later I began a step study, and our last meeting is this coming Monday.

The funny thing is, I went in knowing that I had a lot of struggles but over the coarse of the class the list of things has actually grown. Not because I've regressed but because I've learned that a lot of things that I thought were good and healthy, actually aren't.

I have learned so much and looking back, I see God's hand.

There are a lot of changes in my life since then.

I am learning to be a really safe person. It's instinctive at this point to NOT repeat things--even when the other person didn't ask me to keep what they said in confidence.

I am learning to deal with conflict in a healthy way--without being passive or ignoring the problem.

I am learning to process my feelings so that I don't act in character defects and sin.

I am learning to walk in the spirit instead of my flesh.

I am ultimately learning to have a deeper relationship with God. To be dependent on Him instead of codependent on others. To rely on Him to fill my needs and not other people or things. To place my self worth in Him and let Him define me and not my works or other peoples opinions. To believe and listen to His truth instead of Satan's lies.

I am so thankful for the people that God has brought into my life to lead me into a deeper relationship with God and make me more like Christ!

How I Became a Rock Star...for about 30 profound seconds

A few years ago I ran a series of 5ks. During one particular race, after all of us runners had been dispatched to the starting line, the event coordinators gathered the spectators (mostly friends and loved ones of runners) around a bend in the course and instructed them to cheer as we passed through. 

We had no idea (or maybe I was the only one who didn't know) until we turned the corner. Turning that corner felt like the oxygen in the air turned to pure love that sat on my skin, permeated my crevices and intoxicated me. The closest thing to Heaven on Earth that I've experienced.

As I ran through the throng of people clapping and cheering me on, David Crowder sang How He Loves Us in my ear. 

I love Hebrews 12. I love that the writer spent the eleventh chapter reminding his/her readers of all the deeply flawed people who lived out their faith and accomplished God's will despite their sins and struggles. And then he/she says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so easily, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Every time I read those verses, I think of that race. I think of all the preparation I did. I think of how sweaty I was and how labored my breathing was. And I think about how beneficial it was for me and how glad I am that I did it.

As I run my spiritual race, I find myself holding onto "weights" and "sins". They are heavy and they really do hold me back while I'm running. So I'm in the process of shedding them. And while I am less encumbered in a lot of ways, in some ways I haven't made the progress that I would like.

So whenever I feel discouraged I read Hebrews 12 and I think of Samson, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, my Grandma Permenter and Jesus himself standing on the sidelines cheering me on as I run my spiritual race. I imagine turning that corner and seeing all of their faces...having been exactly where I am...and hearing them call out my name, raise their hands to high-five me and encourage me to keep on keeping on. My eyes refocus on Jesus and it's like a breath of fresh air, a burst of energy. I correct my running form and pick up the pace.

On the Eve of My Son Becoming a Teenager

Tuesday I will become the mother of a teenager. It seems so strange to say that. I am way more emotional than I thought I would be. I'm not really sad that's he's growing up, I guess it's just that I'm thinking of all the things I want him to know and all the things I wish I had said and done or at least done better.

In some ways it seems like yesterday that Caleb was born. And in others, it seems an eternity away. I feel like a completely different person.

I was 20 when Caleb was born. 20 didn't seem extremely young then, but now, thinking that if Caleb has a child at 20, I could be 7 years away from being a grandparent...20 seems incredibly young. I still feel like a fraud on Mother's Day. I can't imagine becoming a grandparent in the next ten years. But it very seriously could happen.

The next few years are going to be really important. I don't know what they'll bring, but I know my God. 

 From a fleshly standpoint, I want him to have friends and be successful. I want him to go to college and get a good job and marry a nice girl, if he wants to, and have some kids and never have any problems.

But my spirit knows it can't be that simple and wants God to wreck him. Because I would rather him have Jesus than a degree. I would rather him be a disciple of Jesus (in the true sense of that) and lead a life of poverty than be distracted by this world and the things it has to offer. I want peace for him, but I want the peace that passes all understanding. I want God to do whatever it takes to mold my son into the image of His. 

The things that that could mean are scary. And they might be painful to watch. But I know that God is good. I know it. And I will spend a lot of time on my knees.

I have no delusions that he will be sinless. But I am thankful that Michael and I are learning to put away our sins and I pray that we do and our kids will see that and know that when it comes time, we can help them with theirs.

I just love him so much and I just want Jesus for him. I want him to seek God with all of his heart. I pray that in the next few years, God will direct my mothering steps and send people into his life that will lead him there.

The Day I Witnessed Superman Being Clark Kent

I think that super hero stories have their roots in the sometimes magnificent transformation a man can make from home to work.

My brother is super quiet around people he doesn't know. But the first time I witnessed him excel in a sales position in a department store...it was like he had stopped in a phone booth on the way to work and transformed into his super hero self  It was like he was a completely different person. He was confident and FRIENDLY. HE WALKED UP TO COMPLETE STRANGERS AND STARTED A CONVERSATION.  

Maybe they're super heroes at home and turn into their super nerdy alter ego when they are at work. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, it's pretty neat to witness.

Michael is an IT contractor for an international law firm in downtown Dallas. He keeps the lawyers computers and other technology working properly so they can serve their clients thoroughly.

I don't usually get to see him "in action". In fact, I guess I've never really seen him at work before. Which seems weird, but it's true. But with his current position, he takes a week out of the month to be "on call"...which means that lawyers all over the world call him for help with their laptops and smartphones. So he gets calls at all hours. 

I have to be honest, I didn't know where Abu Dhabi was until this weekend when he had to get up in the middle of the night and go to his office to help a lawyer practicing there. 

Anyway, so last Friday night he got a call from an irate lawyer who was locked out of his computer. This man is dropping F bombs and poop euphemisms like they were bread crumbs leading him to the Promised Land. Michael patiently listened and then calmly and confidently affirmed his feelings of frustration and then redirected the conversation to finding a solution. Over. And over. And over again. 

I was totally impressed with how professional and kind he was to this man. I got to see Superman as Clark Kent or maybe it was Clark Kent as Superman. Either way, I got a little glimpse of the other side of the magic...and I am in awe. :)

A Mother's Day Tale :)

I was born in a little "Indian" clinic in Cuba, New Mexico--a little town about 80 miles northwest of Albuquerque. We didn't actually live in Cuba. In fact, we didn't live in any town at all. We lived in the (literal) middle of nowhere...they hadn't even run electric or telephone lines and we didn't have indoor plumbing. My parents moved there to do mission work.

My favorite picture of my mom (which has mysteriously disappeared) is one of her standing over a washboard scrubbing clothes...because in 1982 they didn't have electricity and thus no washing machine. They had put the washboard on the tailgate of a pick up truck so she wouldn't have to bend over her swollen belly. The best part of the picture? The enormous smile on her face.

You would have thought that a pregnant woman, living in the middle of nowhere, who didn't have the most basic luxuries (like using an indoor bathroom instead of an outhouse) that all of her friends had  would not have many reasons to smile. But she did. Because what we have and where we live does not determine who we are or our level of contentment. It's a heart issue.

What I do with what I have won't change when I have more. It's a heart issue. If I can't be happy living in the middle of nowhere, with no electricity and no indoor plumbing then I won't be happy with a mansion on a hill and a flushing toilet. It's a heart issue.

Sometimes I moan and bellyache because life isn't easy or because other people's lives seem easier than mine. But you know what? It's the hard moments, the crunch times, the days where I just don't understand how I'm gonna make it through that change me the most. Those are the days I'm the most happy and thankful for in the end.

I can say yes to God with what I already have and then approach the situation with a sense of adventure and watch as God blesses me with creativity and a learning experience...setting me up to be better prepared in the future...OR I can dig my heels in and resist every inch of the way and be just as overwhelmed the next time.

Tough decision?! It shouldn't be, but it is for me. Because it really is a heart issue. One that I'm praying for and submitting to God to change.

God is good!!

Blessed are the Codependent People?

I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't afraid of people.

As a result, I learned at a young age to be acutely aware of other people and their words, facial expression, moods and body language. I am especially sensitive to the slightest changes in all of them.

I probably would have made a good spy.

It is uncanny how unconsciously observant I am.

This ability comes in handy sometimes, but it also presents a problem for me, because I allow the information I gather to hold me hostage. I put too much weight on the feelings of other people and allow them to affect my actions and feelings to an unhealthy degree. In the name of peacekeeping I have let things go that should have been addressed. I'm afraid of how others will respond. I have allowed the elephant in the room that's suffocating us all to just keep depriving the relationship of oxygen.

God has been working on me though.  Because this life isn't about pleasing people or making them like me. It's about dying to myself (and my codependent, people pleasing ways) and laying my life down as a living sacrifice. And that might involve people judging me and thinking negatively about me even when I am in the center of God's will.

My friend Carrie recently pointed out to me that Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemakers" not blessed are the codependent people or the passive people. Peace very often comes as the result of some sort of confrontation. This doesn't mean that I should confront everyone I know about everything I disagree with them over. It means the relational issues, the things that damage the relationship. Not everything I disagree with someone over should damage the relationship.

I'm definitely not cured. I haven't yet been able to confront anyone other than my husband, but there's progress. I'm finding myself less affected by others opinions of me. Twice recently I've overheard someone talking about me in a  not so nice way and it barely even registered on my radar. Previously I would have been angry and retaliated in some way. But I didn't!!! Praise God!

I am so thankful for a kind and loving God who fills me with His Spriit, covers me with the blood of His Son and loves me inspite of my flaws!

Truth and Lies

Since working through my Celebrate Recovery step study I've come to realize that all of my character defects are based on lies I've believed. Some lies are things people have told me with their actions or words, and some are lies I've "learned" from my life experiences. It doesn't matter where or who they come from...lies are lies. They all have the same father.

Lies are sometimes difficult to discern. Especially when there seems inerrant proof. And even more when I am the teller of them.

I'm not likable.
I'm not good enough.
I can't.
I'm garbage.
I'm unloved.
I'm ugly.
I have horrific faults, so I am unusable by God.


The thing is, belief is a choice. It's the context into which I receive information. I could find "proof" of just about anything. People have been convicted of crimes based on a lot of evidence and then proven innocent on one piece of evidence alone that completely changes the context of all the other evidence.

Evidence matters. But the context matters as much.

My belief that God exists, that He is good and that I and others matter to Him should be the frame of context of any evidence I receive or give about myself and about others.

I also believe that God is Truth. He tells the truth. Always. So anything I think or tell myself about myself or about others should be measured against what HE says and accepted or rejected on that basis.

So how do I know the above things are indeed lies? Because I've measured them against what God says is true.

I'm not likable/I'm unloved. People not liking me does not mean I'm not likable. I'm seeking the approval of God, not men (Galatians 1:10). He loves me, whether or not anyone on this earth does (Psalm 103, Psalm 17).

I'm not good enough/I'm garbage/I have horrific faults, so I am unusable by God...I don't have to be "good enough"...because Jesus died for me while I was still a sinner (Romans 5-8). There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And guess what?! I'm in Christ Jesus. So guess what?! No condemnation!!!!!! Wooohooooooo! And almost all of the people God used in the Old Testament were people who had major flaws. With God all things are possible.

I can't...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I'm ugly...It doesn't matter whether I'm ugly or not. God doesn't look at the outward man. And favor is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord should be praised. (1 Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 31:30)

The truth really does set me free. But I need to continually fill up with truth so the lies are easily recognized and refuted and I don't respond in whatever character defect is triggered by them.

The Practicalness of Humility

I used to have a sort of phobia of being wrong...of anyone (including myself) seeing my faults.  Even when I was wrong I would defend the behavior or belief...to myself and everyone else...as if I were completely right.  I was in complete and utter denial.

Looking back, I did some really stupid things based on my pride and desire to be right and feel superior.

Hiding was the name of my game. My faults were the herd of stampeding elephants in the room.

I can't say exactly WHEN God began working on this character flaw. I think it may have started when I realized, in my marriage, that if things were going to change, if we were going to get off the merri-go-round of unhappiness and unhealthy behavior and actually have a good marriage--or at least a bearable one-- someone was going to have to break the cycle...and it might as well be me.

I realized and slowly came to believe more and more that being the first to admit fault...and generally having an "I could be totally wrong" attitude... had zero negative repercussions and a million positive ones.

Here are a few...

1.) If I maintain a posture of humility, actually being wrong is not as big of a deal.  Falling from a height of 12 inches is way less painful than falling from 12 feet. And way less damage is done.

2.)  Pride basically holds me hostage to ignorance and stunted growth. If I already assume I know the answer and am right, it's virtually impossible to learn. And if I can't learn, I can't grow.

If a child insisted that baby jibberish was correct and refused to learn to speak and communicate properly...can you imagine all they would miss out on?  They could only communicate with the few people who take the time to learn their baby jibberish. They could never read the Bible or go to school or tell a joke or get a job. It would be utterly ridiculous. Baby jibberish is beautiful...from a baby. From a 30 year old? Not so much if that 30 year old is capable of learning to communicate properly.

3.) Even if I'm sure I'm right, it's still wise to operate from the standpoint that *I* could be the fool who thinks they're right...because I could be. THEN if it becomes clear that I'm right, it's easier for the other person to admit it. But if it becomes clear that I'm wrong, it will be easier to learn the lesson and move on with a smile.

4.) It's WAY more fun to be completely open to being wrong and to learning than having the anxiety of feeling the need to prove I'm right all the time. To walk into a situation willing to put myself "out there" to be corrected and taught is so freeing because no matter what, I come out better off.

5.) It also makes me much more approachable. It's like the idea that people are more comfortable in a home that isn't spotless because they aren't afraid they're going to mess it up. It's easier to approach someone that you know isn't judging you and won't talk down to you for having a different opinion or for not knowing something.

6.) Humility and approachableness is an act of service to others. Being willing to be taught and being open to being wrong allows others to see and learn with you even if they are afraid to put themselves "out there". And being approachable is important because we need each other...because iron sharpens iron...it doesn't sharpen itself...we need another piece of iron for that. We need community.

None of this means that I take every piece of advice or always do what other people think I should. We're about pleasing God, not men. I pray constantly for wisdom and discernment and God is faithful. Does that mean I ALWAYS make good and right decisions or always heed this advice? Absolutely not. I fall back into this behavior sometimes. It does mean that it's easier to get back up when I fall because I know that falling is always a possibility...so it's easier to recognize and admit...and rely on God's grace instead of my own ability to make right decisions all day every day.

God is good.