Unbalanced Scales

In the last 3 years I have lost 148 pounds and regained 50 of them.

For two years I found it almost easy to only eat the things I should and only in the appropriate portions...with few exceptions.  I tracked my food, went to Weight Watcher meetings, weighed myself once a week and worked out on a regular basis.

For the first time in my life I was sure of my salvation and reveling in my intimate relationship with God.  And each week as I stepped on the scale I received affirmation that God was working in my life.

And then I got to my lowest weight.  And hovered there for around 9 months. But Weight Watchers and BMI standards said I still had 20 pounds to lose before I could be considered a normal weight.  I worked out for hours a day, stuck to my points and I STILL hovered at that number on the scale.

All of that time I had friends and family telling me how muscular I was and respond in shock when I informed them I needed to lose 20 more pounds.

The longer I hovered the more discouraged I got.  I would cry out to God and ask Him why He had left me.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I sin...and there are plenty of things that God could send me straight to hell for...but by His grace I am saved! But I couldn't understand what had changed.

You see, I had been letting that scale gauge my relationship with God. If it went down, everything was good, God loved me and He was pouring His grace into my life.  So when the scale stopped moving, I assumed that God had left me.

Yesterday He really opened my eyes to the fact that the scale had really become something way beyond a piece of feedback. It had become an idol of sorts. I let it define my world. Even my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

He hasn't left me.  He never left me.

How ridiculous of me.

So what does this all mean?  Are all the problems in my life solved? No. Does this mean the pounds are going to start melting off? Probably not.

What it does mean is that I am committing to staying off the scale for now.  It's about living by the Spirit.  Not the scale.  I do want to lose weight. But I mostly want to lose the weights that are holding me back while I am running the race that my Father has set before me.  Does that mean physical weight loss? Probably. Because it means fixing my eyes on Jesus and not food...which will lead to self control which will lead to reaping the benefits of self control.

I'm not sure if the best course of action is to continue with Weight Watchers or not.  I do know that even if I go to meetings that I will not be weighing in, at least for a while.  And the $42 it costs us a month is kind of a burden on my family, that's $42 I could add to my grocery budget!

At this point I don't want to make any sudden movements. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Because ultimately, THAT'S what I want for me.

The Title that Wasn't

It's amazing how much things can change in a year. Or even a day.

For two years I managed to be full of self control. I lost 148 pounds. I gained a lot of self confidence, developed some good habits and felt better than I had in my entire life.

But the biggest thing that happened? I had a relationship with God that I had never had before. For the first time in my entire life, I was confident in my salvation. Not because of how good I was, but because Jesus is good and died to cleanse me of my not goodness.

A year later? I'm struggling. I've gained back a good fifty pounds, and I constantly catch myself eating my feelings and repeating the behaviors that got me to my highest weight.

I could give you a sob story about how my thyroid started acting up and I had to start back on medication and all that jazz. But the truth is...you know what? I don't know what the truth is. I know that for some reason I am struggling. I know that for some reason self control is a challenge for me again.

And as I've gained weight, that ghost girl that disappeared as my relationship with Christ grew, is somehow making a reappearance. And I can't even tell you what a scary thought that is for me.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for all the people who watched me and encouraged me as I lost the weight to see me. I am ashamed.

I admit, I'm not really clear on how things really work. I believe in the Holy Spirit but I don't feel confident in saying exactly how He works in my life. But I do know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control". I believe that, I do. So why do I feel powerless and lacking self control? I'm not questioning God, I'm searching myself because I'm the loose canon in this equation.

I hope this doesn't sound depressed. I'm not depressed. Just frustrated. And pretty embarrassed. And disappointed.

Advice? Prayer? Opinions? Prayer requests? I'm open! The only thing I'm not open to is Jenny Craig. Or Nutrisystem. Or...

You get my drift! :)