Belonging = Hospitality

What does it actually mean to belong?

I used to think it was something other people bestowed upon me. I took my cues from them. I tiptoed around, waiting for other people to give me a clue about whether I was wanted or not. Belonging = acceptance and approval of other people. Most of the time, the answer I discerned was no, or only within very narrow parameters. 

I've come to believe that true belonging comes from within. It comes from accepting myself for who I am and other people for exactly who they are. It's the root of true hospitality. 

There is no measuring stick that determines how mature, thin, or refined I have to be in order to belong. Belonging isn't a scarce resource that must be divided between us. 

I cultivate belonging when I sow seeds of grace, warmth, and generosity. Of forgiveness, faith, and hope. I lay the groundwork for belonging when I stop responding to others' cues about my seat at the table and stop giving cues to others. Except for the cues that welcome them in and lift them up.  

I've struggled my whole life with letting people in, with allowing them to see who I truly am, because I've never felt that who I am is enough or acceptable. There are likely myriad places this belief originated, but it's a false belief. 

I can't truly love and accept other people until I have truly loved and accepted myself. I learned this lesson from my maternal grandmother. She is a lovely woman, but I never felt like I measured up. My hair was never combed right or well enough, my clothes never met her standards, my body never met her standards, my laugh was offensive. She was constantly correcting me and telling me all of the ways I didn't measure up. When she started to get dementia, the true source of all of this criticism became apparent. She didn't measure up. She had a very narrow window of what was good and acceptable, and she didn't measure up. So she projected all of that rejection onto me. 

This was an aha! moment for me. I know my grandma loves me, but her voice is one of the voices that has convinced me I'm not worthy or lovable. I'm not able to feel her love or internalize it as love because her criticism has convinced me I'm not lovable. 

I want to break that cycle. I want my family and friends to feel and internalize my love. That starts with me. I have to feel and internalize my value, in order to in part value to others. 

Hospitality starts in my heart, with me.