Ch-ch-ch-changes

Sometimes it's difficult to really put my finger on what is actually different about our marriage.  Yes, we're happy. That's different.  Yes, we get along.  That's different. Yes, we feel connected more than ever before. That's different too.

I guess the really difficult thing for me to pin down is the cause behind those effects.  Even though I know that ultimately that Cause is God.

I can't really tell you a lot about how Michael has changed, and I don't really think that's my place.  He has his own story to tell and I'll let him do that when and if he's ready.  For now, I'll just tell mine.

Not long ago I was stuck in a shopping center and spent the time in a book store where I flipped through Shaunti Feldahn's latest book.  I usually read books on marriage taking notes on things I need to change.  But this time was different.  I came to one section where she was explaining that "happy couples" had a general sense that the other person cared about them...and I totally smiled to myself because that was something I had been thinking about recently...because THAT is another change.

I have a general sense that Michael loves me.  I know before he tells me.  And when he does something insensitive, I don't lose that sense.  So why the change?  Did Michael change? Probably.  But I think the problem in that area was me all along.  For the first six to seven years of our marriage I didn't feel that way. I often felt like he didn't care for me because I had an idea in my head of what someone who cares about you does to show you they care about you. And he didn't do those things.  As a result almost every area of our marriage was tainted.

But when I finally realized and pin pointed the way he shows love...I can see it all the time.  He researches my phone options, keeping in mind my likes and what will serve me best, and then goes and buys it for me so I don't have to go through the rigamarole.  He brings the van back to me full of gas.  He's kind of an "Acts of Service" love giver I guess.  Which is kind of weird since he's a "Words of Encouragement" receiver.

I think the most important change is that I have truly felt the gravity of my sin, the desperation of being caught in a cycle and the freedom of finally getting out.  I'm not sure why I never went through this process before, but I finally did. That process has given me a new perspective toward others sin and Michael's in particular. I don't feel the need to take his sin personally (I never ever thought I would ever be able to say that!), and I am free to love him in a way I never could before. I understand that he doesn't sin because he's a horrible person and he doesn't love me....he sins because he's human and that's what we do.  It's what I do.

All of this has brought a whole new atmosphere to our marriage. We can finally be real. With no strings attached.  It's not that we don't care about sin.  We do.  But we repent, we pray and we move on. But most of all, we love.

It's so amazing to look around and be able to see concrete evidence of God working in our lives.  I am truly thankful!!

Love At First Sight?

I remember the night I met Michael with perfect clarity. I'm not sure I could tell you what I was wearing, but I recall the moment I saw him and the warmth that took over my gut with perfect vividness. Over the next few months of getting to know him (long distance since I lived in West Texas and he lived in Alabama), the more time I spent with him, the more I liked him. I had never liked another human being as much as I liked him.  I had never felt as at home with anyone or felt as safe with anyone as I did with him.

So fast forward 15 and 1/2 years.  

I've never been a believer in love at first sight.  And I'm not saying that's what happened, but as I look over the last 15 and 1/2 years I am convinced that God was working. 

Which is kind of a light bulb, because for a long time I honestly thought that we were a mistake.  I thought that we had made such horrible mistakes that God was going to just leave us to wallow in our depravity. 

Our dating life was marked by sin. We lacked self control, we put ourselves in situations that were less than ideal.  Each of us brought our own set of baggage and sin that exacerbated the others areas of struggle.  We were literally a mess.  And neither of us told anyone. We just pretended that everything was fine.  We hid our sin.  

I broke up with him seven times.  But every time we broke up, he would call me and I would see an inkling of that amazing friendship we had in the beginning and we would "get back together"...only to repeat the same mistakes and sins.  It was so unhealthy.  And now looking back, it was even more unhealthy than we even knew or acknowledged at the time. 

Anyway, we got married after I became pregnant.  

We went through premarital (which ended up being post marital too because we took so long going through the material) counseling.  I'm not going to say it didn't help at all but it certainly did not address the issues we were facing.  Probably mostly because we were never really honest.  

Things escalated as we had baby after baby.  We spent money we didn't have, went through long periods of unemployment, and resorted to physical violence (with each other, not our kids).  My house was a disgusting physical manifestation of the things that were going on in the inside of me.  

At different points we made attempts to ask for help.  But we were never willing to be honest. We went to one marriage counseling session, we both bawled our eyes out telling the counselor what was going on and he handed us a book on communication and told us he wouldn't need to see us again.  We left SO INCREDIBLY frustrated. 

A major turning point came for us when we met with another counselor. We were more honest than we'd ever been and he helped us more than we'd been helped so far.

I wouldn't say there was a 180 degree change...more like the fork in the road that led to a better place.

The thing is, we both felt this incessant instinct to hold on...to keep showing up...even when things were at their worst and divorce seemed like a very real option.  

Over the next few years opportunities arose that allowed us to relieve some of the pressure sources to our marriage.

About 3 years ago God started (I say 'started' but I feel sure it probably started way before this) something amazing inside of me...and for the first time in my entire life I had a REAL relationship with Him...I became sure of my salvation. He has been teaching me some amazing things about forgiveness...how to give it and how to receive it.  

Is this where I tell you we lived happily ever after?

No.  Absolutely not.  

If you were a fly on the wall of our house, you would not see Cinderella and Prince Charming living happily ever after...you would see two people who struggle with sin...two people who snap at each other when they are frustrated (or just sitting on the couch on a normal day under normal circumstances) who very often make bad decisions...and who sometimes fight over really stupid things. 

But you will see two people who love God and who are daily in need of His grace.  

As I reflect on all of this, I no longer believe that we are a mistake.  I believe that God had/has a plan.  I'm not going to presume to say what that is...maybe He's using each of us to beat the other one into submission! :) I don't know.  But I see His work (He's done some really cool things just in the last month) and I can't help but praise Him! Because as amazing as what He's already done is, I bet in another few years I'll look back and be even more amazed by what He's done! 

So why do I feel the need to share this? First of all and most importantly, I want to boast in Jesus Christ! He is awesome! Also, I want anyone who is struggling in their marriage or any other area of their life, to know that they are not alone. You don't have to keep it to yourself.  Don't keep it to yourself! We are all sinners. Find a safe person and let them help you through it! 

You are loved.  

A Review

Confession:  I buy books.  I buy books about how to be a better mother/wife/christian and then I don't read them. I get tired of being the way I am so I rush out to our local used bookstore and find some book that I just KNOW will be the turning point in my life, bring it home, read a chapter or two and then set it down until the next time I'm particularly disgusted with myself.

It's been a long time since I've actually finished anything. 

BUT, I have JUST finished reading What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst.  You know when you're talking to someone and they say something and you instantly know that you're kindred spirits because they've just said the very thing you haven't been able to put into words? Or they explain something that you've been frustrated about and it totally makes sense? 

The only other book I've read by Lysa TerKeurst is Made to Crave.  Actually, that's a lie. I didn't READ it, I got it for free from Audible for signing up for a free month.  So technically, I listened to it.  Anyway, I do subscribe to her daily email devotions.

This book is directed toward women who want to grow and walk in a deeper level of faith.  Lysa bases the book on what she refers to as "five phases of faith" which are 

"1.  Leaving:  In order to go to a new level of faith with God, you've got to leave the old behind.
2.  Famine:  In this new place, you'll realize your comfort zone is gone, and you'll learn to depend on God like never before.
3.  Believing:  You've always want to really believe God, but now your experience of Him becomes too real to deny.
4.  Death:  Coming to the end of your ability to make things happen seems like death to you.  But to God, this is the only way to new life with Him.
5.  Resurrection:  In a way only He could, God makes your dream come true.  Only then do you understand that real joy isn't in the dream itself but rather in the richer faith you acquired along the way."  (pgs 9-10)

She uses biblical examples and personal narratives to support her ideas.  My favorite of the biblical examples is her comparison of the leadership of Moses and Joshua and the very different responses of the Israelites based on those differences.  At the end of each chapter there is a little study guide, with scripture references and, sometimes, assignments. 

I got this book from the library but I can definitely see myself purchasing it so that I can read it and refer to it over and over again. It speaks to my spirit and hits the spot only kindred spirits can find. 

Unbalanced Scales

In the last 3 years I have lost 148 pounds and regained 50 of them.

For two years I found it almost easy to only eat the things I should and only in the appropriate portions...with few exceptions.  I tracked my food, went to Weight Watcher meetings, weighed myself once a week and worked out on a regular basis.

For the first time in my life I was sure of my salvation and reveling in my intimate relationship with God.  And each week as I stepped on the scale I received affirmation that God was working in my life.

And then I got to my lowest weight.  And hovered there for around 9 months. But Weight Watchers and BMI standards said I still had 20 pounds to lose before I could be considered a normal weight.  I worked out for hours a day, stuck to my points and I STILL hovered at that number on the scale.

All of that time I had friends and family telling me how muscular I was and respond in shock when I informed them I needed to lose 20 more pounds.

The longer I hovered the more discouraged I got.  I would cry out to God and ask Him why He had left me.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I sin...and there are plenty of things that God could send me straight to hell for...but by His grace I am saved! But I couldn't understand what had changed.

You see, I had been letting that scale gauge my relationship with God. If it went down, everything was good, God loved me and He was pouring His grace into my life.  So when the scale stopped moving, I assumed that God had left me.

Yesterday He really opened my eyes to the fact that the scale had really become something way beyond a piece of feedback. It had become an idol of sorts. I let it define my world. Even my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

He hasn't left me.  He never left me.

How ridiculous of me.

So what does this all mean?  Are all the problems in my life solved? No. Does this mean the pounds are going to start melting off? Probably not.

What it does mean is that I am committing to staying off the scale for now.  It's about living by the Spirit.  Not the scale.  I do want to lose weight. But I mostly want to lose the weights that are holding me back while I am running the race that my Father has set before me.  Does that mean physical weight loss? Probably. Because it means fixing my eyes on Jesus and not food...which will lead to self control which will lead to reaping the benefits of self control.

I'm not sure if the best course of action is to continue with Weight Watchers or not.  I do know that even if I go to meetings that I will not be weighing in, at least for a while.  And the $42 it costs us a month is kind of a burden on my family, that's $42 I could add to my grocery budget!

At this point I don't want to make any sudden movements. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Because ultimately, THAT'S what I want for me.

The Title that Wasn't

It's amazing how much things can change in a year. Or even a day.

For two years I managed to be full of self control. I lost 148 pounds. I gained a lot of self confidence, developed some good habits and felt better than I had in my entire life.

But the biggest thing that happened? I had a relationship with God that I had never had before. For the first time in my entire life, I was confident in my salvation. Not because of how good I was, but because Jesus is good and died to cleanse me of my not goodness.

A year later? I'm struggling. I've gained back a good fifty pounds, and I constantly catch myself eating my feelings and repeating the behaviors that got me to my highest weight.

I could give you a sob story about how my thyroid started acting up and I had to start back on medication and all that jazz. But the truth is...you know what? I don't know what the truth is. I know that for some reason I am struggling. I know that for some reason self control is a challenge for me again.

And as I've gained weight, that ghost girl that disappeared as my relationship with Christ grew, is somehow making a reappearance. And I can't even tell you what a scary thought that is for me.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for all the people who watched me and encouraged me as I lost the weight to see me. I am ashamed.

I admit, I'm not really clear on how things really work. I believe in the Holy Spirit but I don't feel confident in saying exactly how He works in my life. But I do know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control". I believe that, I do. So why do I feel powerless and lacking self control? I'm not questioning God, I'm searching myself because I'm the loose canon in this equation.

I hope this doesn't sound depressed. I'm not depressed. Just frustrated. And pretty embarrassed. And disappointed.

Advice? Prayer? Opinions? Prayer requests? I'm open! The only thing I'm not open to is Jenny Craig. Or Nutrisystem. Or...

You get my drift! :)

Progress, Not Perfection, RIGHT?

Five years ago, most of our food came from a box or a drive thru. Five years ago, cereal and frozen pizza were a staple in our house. Five years ago I couldn't understand why ANYONE would pay $2 for a pound of butter when I could buy a GINORMOUS tub of margarine for fifty cents.

While I am absolutely not going to claim that our food never comes from a drive thru or that my kids NEVER eat cereal...our lifestyle and eating habits are so different.

A few years ago I thought baking anything from scratch was just a waste of time. And I probably rolled my eyes at anyone who thought it was important.

Now, when my kids want something that comes from a box I kind of take it as a challenge to make it from scratch. I have found soooo much delight and contentment in this. 

Homemade hamburger buns and french fries...I didn't make the meat from scratch...sorry, that one just isn't in my repertoire.

Homemade and YUMMY! graham crackers...they are whole wheat and sweetened with maple syrup and honey.

Homemade Poptarts....so versatile...you could fill these with pizza fixings or any number of things.

Okay, so we've established that progress has been made (progress, NOT perfection, right?!).

Here's the thing, I have a hang up. I just haven't been able to get myself to make homemade beef stock. I make chicken stock all the time. I can find and purchase a whole chicken relatively easily. But beef stock requires me to first FIND, pick up and then carry an amputated calves foot around in my grocery cart.

I'm a wimp, I know.

But I am ready to try it. I am going to locate the place where one would purchase a calves foot, I am going to either put it in my basket or carry it to the check out, I am going to pay for it, and I am going to bring it home and put it in a pot and make beef stock.

That is what I am going to do.

Just thought you should know.

Wherein I Solve the Mystery of Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Until this afternoon, I had never ridden a scooter.

When I first stepped on I was shocked at how easy it wasn't. Well, I guess I should say it wasn't as easy as I had always assumed it was.

I got the hang of it pretty quickly though and before long I was flying down hills...announcing my joy to the world with shrieks of laughter.

It was all fun and games.

Until I realized that I didn't know where the brake was.

I desperately searched for the brake while still attempting to keep my balance, until the scooter went one way and I went the other.

For a split second, I was completely air born.

As I flew threw the air I caught a glimpse of a middle aged man passing by...staring...laughing. And he may or may not have been holding a camera.

And then I hit the ground, realized I wasn't hurt and Nathaniel revoked my scooter riding privileges.

And this, my friends, is why we can't have nice things.

The End.

Uriah demonstrating proper scooter riding technique.

Thirteen Essential Kitchen Tools for Starter Cooks

As a young person, in charge of my own kitchen, I was overwhelmed by all of the kitchen gadgets out there. It's kind of hard to know what is actually helpful and what just ends up taking up space.

There are a few things to take into consideration when registering or just deciding what you need in your kitchen:

1.  How much space do you have? Do you have a lot of storage space, or just a little?

2.  How much cooking experience do you have? If you've never cooked in your life, the basics will get you started and as you become more experienced you can collect more specialized items.

3.  What will be practical? If you're moving into a one bedroom apartment, it might be kind of silly to register for 12 place settings of china. Maybe one or two would be more practical (I think it would be fun to get two place settings at the beginning and add to it on each anniversary...you could even pick a new pattern each time!). Or maybe you have absolutely no use or desire for fine china!

Okay, so without further adieu, here are what I consider to be essential kitchen tools for beginner cooks...

1.   Mixing bowls.  I think this is pretty self explanatory. You use them to mix things up.

If you don't have a lot of storage space, serving bowls can double as mixing bowls. My mom had something very similar to this while I was growing up.

Except hers were 70s, pea green. We used them for everything! I made countless batches of chocolate chip cookies in them...and we served countless dishes to company in them. They work. If you work them. :)

2.  A hand mixer. So you can mix things up. Cause things need to be mixed up.

You can use it to whipped mashed potatoes or make yummy cookies or cakes.

3.  A skillet. There are debates on what types to use. Some say nonstick. Some say stainless steel, and still others say cast iron. Do your research and decide for yourself. We all have different priorities and information means different things to different people.

Whatever you decide, decide on quality. Don't go for cheap. They warp and don't cook evenly. Invest in your family and in your sanity and go for the good stuff.

4.  A saucepan. Again, do your research and decide what fits with your needs and lifestyle.

5.  A cookie sheet. To make lots of yummy cookies! Sheet pans also work well as cookie sheets, so it might be nice to have one of each. I personally don't care for stoneware for cookie baking. I prefer stoneware for pizza and casseroles.


6. A 9x13 baking dish. You can bake cakes and casseroles in them. There are tons of uses for them. Piece of advice...Pam is not for baking...when you put it in the oven it creates a sticky coat on your bake ware that can be extremely difficult to remove.

7.  A cheese grater. So you can grate cheese that doesn't have that gross cellulose stuff on it. Seriously, freshly grated cheese is yummier. A fine grater is used for hard cheeses like Parmesan. A course grater is typically used for softer cheeses like cheddar.

8.  Knives. Good ones. The ones that can cut your fingers off VERY easily. But here's the thing. Good knives are an investment. An investment that is worth making. If you need to gradually collect them, choose a multipurpose knife to start out with.

But if you choose to make this investment, take care of them. Read the instructions and properly care for them so that your investment will pay off. Good knives will last a lifetime (some of them are guaranteed to!).

9.  Measuring cups and spoons. So you can properly measure stuff.

10.  A colander. So you can drain liquid off of noodles, potatoes and grease off of meat.

11.  Wooden spoons. For stirring stuff. Cause you know, you're gonna need to stir stuff.

12.  Spatulas for baking. And spatulas for flipping things and scraping the bottom and sides of your skillets. For stirring stuff and scraping the sides of bowls and pans to incorporate ingredients properly!

13.   Cutting boards. So you don't scratch the surface of your table or counter top with your super duper sharp knives! The thing with these is that you probably should have more than one. It's not wise to cut up raw meat and veggies on the same cutting board. Cause who wants their veggies marinating in raw chicken juice, right?!

Okay, so I'm sure I've left things off. What do YOU think are essential kitchen items for a beginner cook? And specific products you recommend?

Beginner Cooking Know-How

I say "Beginner" because I'm barely even qualified to teach a beginner and most of these are obvious to seasoned cooks.

Okay, so to be honest I'm pretty sure my mom and Grandma tried to teach me all of these things. But for some reason I didn't listen and ended up having to learn the hard way.

1.  Read. the. entire. recipe. before you start. Okay, so a lot of recipes rely on the chemical reactions of the ingredients to produce the desired end result. Sometimes that means letting something sit overnight or doing things in a certain order. If you don't read the entire recipe you may find yourself in a bind and unable to complete the recipe or complete it incorrectly and getting a less than desirable result.

2.  Get out all of your ingredients before you start. Or at least make sure you have them all. I do like to get them all out in the beginning though. If the recipe contains different sections you can get your ingredients out in sections. But put them away as you use them. That way when you're done you won't have as big of a mess to clean up.

It can also be helpful to measure everything out before you start.

3.  If you have the opportunity to create a registry (whether for a housewarming or wedding or just because you want to)...first determine what tools you will most likely have use and room for and then do research about which ones will serve your family best. Sometimes the cheap Walmart version will serve the best, sometimes the high end kitchen store option will serve best. Be willing to invest in your role of "keeper of the home".  Having good tools will make life easier and make you more likely to enjoy being in the kitchen, or at least get you out of there faster!

4. If you have a dishwasher, unload it before you start cooking and load it as you go. That way when you're done you don't have a sink full of dishes. If you don't have a dishwasher, fill the sink with hot, soapy water and at least put the dirty dishes in it as you go.

5.  Margarine is NOT butter.

6.  Be a learner.  Don't be offended when your mom, grandma or mother-in-law takes over something you're doing...take it as an opportunity to watch and learn and hone your skill. Ask them questions and really listen when they answer. Then take that knowledge and apply in it in your own unique way. And who knows?! After you've gathered the wisdom and knowledge of a few women (or men), you may be able to combine the pros and cons of each method and blow them all away with your culinary prowess!

So there you go. I know I didn't cover everything that could be covered...I didn't want to overwhelm you all with my vast culinary knowledge (liar, liar pants on fire!). Juuuust kidding!

What do you consider to be essential cooking knowledge to a beginner?

He Called Me Anyway

As much of a miracle as it is that Michael and I have survived the events since our marriage, it's even MORE of  a miracle that we ended up together at all.

Cause see, I broke up with him 7 times.

Yes, you read that correctly. Seven. Times.

Every time he would brokenheartedly want to know why and sometimes it wouldn't even last until the end of the phone call. But yes, seven times. And I'm not sure that we even counted the 'break-ups' that only lasted ten minutes. So it could technically be more than that. But let's not split any hairs.

We never fought, it wasn't that we broke up in the heat of an argument...I honestly just wanted him to marry me and it seemed like he was NEVER going to...so I broke up with him.

The funny part of all of this is that he's since told me that every time he started saving for an engagement ring, I broke up with him so he'd go and spend whatever he'd saved.

Have I mentioned how flaky I can be? I'm working on it!

The thing, and my favorite part of this story, is that even after the tearful break ups...he always called me again. And every single time I was shocked that he still wanted to be my friend.

He didn't nag me or beg me to recant...he was just my friend. He made me feel safe and protected and, without fail, I always came crawling back.

Honestly, looking back I can't imagine why in the world he didn't run screaming from me and never talk to me again. But he didn't.

And guess what? He's still my safe place. He knows all of my dirty little secrets, he knows what a wretch I am and all the horrible things I've done and not only does he love me anyway, but he doesn't even bring them up when he's mad at me!

I think he's a keeper!

If I Knew I Couldn't Fail

A few sessions back my life coach asked me, "if you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do?" Of course, she was asking in a short term, what-would-I-do-in-the-next-week kind of way but it got me thinking in a more wild, willy nilly way about what I would do. So here's my list...I'll not pretend it's exhaustive but these are things I have a desire to do...some are fairly realistic and some are things I know will probably never happen. Without further adieu....

1.  Write a cookbook. The thought of spending hours and hours and hours creating, testing and compiling recipes in book form is enthralling to me.

2.  Cook Sunday dinner every Sunday and invite tons of random people without regard to their economic status or level of cleanliness.

3.  Run a marathon.

4.  Write a regular book. I have no idea what I would write about or anything...I think it would just be fun to write!

5.  Rent a beach house and invite some girlfriends to spend a weekend with me...pay for flights and all of that as well.

6.  Go to culinary school.

7.  Start a bluegrass band.

8.  Become a midwife.

9. Move to a developing country and help women have healthy and successful pregnancies and births.

10.  Get a career and work while Michael goes to school...so he wouldn't have to do both at the same time.

11.  Read a parenting book and live it out perfectly, without exception.

12.  Completely cut out processed foods and junk food from my kids diet.


Yeah I think that's enough for now.

If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do?