Sometimes My Kids Set Me Straight Volume II

About a week and a half ago, my big boys were packing for Scout camp. I had planned to start early, and we did but we didn't finish early and I was headed for my old panic routine of completely flipping out. I don't even remember the specifics, but I remember that I was probably channeling the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland (OFF with their heads!).

I've always said that I want my family to be different. I don't want to yell at each other. I don't want my kids to think I'm a hypocrite. I don't want my kids to be angry at me. I don't want slammed doors and words spewed like venom.

I want love and respect. Even in disagreement. 

I used to be a yeller. As a young mom, I found myself going down a lot of roads I said I never would. 

I didn't know how to be a mom. I didn't know how to create an environment that embodied all of the things I wanted for my family. I still don't really. I know that sounds silly but I honestly was ignorant. I knew that I was supposed to clean the house and feed and bathe my children but I did not understand how to do all of that. It didn't and doesn't come natural to me. I really wish that I had asked someone to help me. But I thought I was supposed to know how to do it all, and I was too prideful to let anyone know how much I didn't know. 

God has done so much work in me. He has sent people my way to teach me and help me. I still have a looooooong way to go but I am so thankful for His work in my life. Did you notice that I said I used to be a yeller?! Uh huh. I used to be. I still mess up every once in a while but I am definitely in recovery for that.

So, in my Queen of Hearts state, Nathaniel had had enough and returned fire (via a response spoken under his breath). I reprimanded him. I was NOT prepared for what happened next. He turned to me and said "when you made that face I felt tempted to talk back to you". I had managed not to yell but apparently the look on my face was pretty rabid...I'm thinking probably Cruella DeVille-ish. Yeah, it was so bad that I have to use more than one Disney villain to fully express the awfulness.

Photo Credit

I actually had a hard time keeping a straight face. We've been working on using the whole "when you...I feel...I need" statements and he totally turned it on me!!! It immediately convicted me and I asked for forgiveness. 

And as they left for camp I spent time in prayer for my sweet boys and for myself. I spent the week asking God to make me a better mom and to transform me completely and to do whatever it takes to make me like Jesus. 

I'm not going to say that I am fixed and that my son will never have to let me know I've crossed the line again, but I am so glad to have them home. I really missed them but I'm so thankful that they had the opportunity to go. 

And I am thankful for the opportunity to see where I'm deficient and to surrender more fully to God's care and control and to all the changes he wants to make in my life.

My Top Ten Moments as a Mother

Being a mom has changed me as much as being a wife. 

Here is my list of my favorite moments as a mother. A lot of them weren't my favorites in my overwhelmed and massively sleep deprived, mother of 5 kids in 4 years state ...but now that my kids are older and those days are behind us I can laugh. :)

Without further adieu...or adeiu or aduie. You know what I mean. :)

10. The time Caleb scooted across the bed at like 2 months and we called our parents and said he crawled. 

9. The time we met a friend at McDonalds and didn't order any food (just drinks) while the kids played on the PlayPlace and Lilla came back to our table with ketchup on her face. Confused, I looked around the room to find a group of people laughing hysterically and pointing in our direction. She had apparently walked up to their table and helped herself to some fries.

8. The time Elisabeth made it to church with no diaper or panties on. I heard a commotion at the entrance and went to find out what it was and Elisabeth was standing with her head on the ground and her hiney in the air. With no diaper. And no panties.

7. The time I caught Elisabeth trick or treating when it wasn't halloween. And our neighbors gave her stuff.

6. The time I was 37 weeks pregnant with the twins, and went to Walmart and slipped in a puddle of urine. Nathaniel was still potty training and it was his. But it took me a while to figure it out. Still gross but at least it came from him and not a stranger! A tiny little elderly woman tried to help me up. Like a mouse helping an elephant.

5. The time I had to take all five kids out of church (there were actually a lot of times that this happened) and Lilla got away from me and started to run up the isle toward the front and I set all the other kids down and tried to catch her before she reached the front but I tripped and fell.

4. The time I had to take the twins out and Uriah wouldn't walk so I ended up literally dragging him to the back.

3. The time we went to a wedding and the floor of the church was concrete and slanted down toward the front. We let Caleb take ONE little car in. During the prayer he dropped the car...and it was loud ALL. THE. WAY. TO. THE. FRONT. and finally came to stop at the Mother of the Brides feet. We were sitting in the back. She was not happy.

2. The time I let my dad talk me into taking a road trip to CA when the twins were less than two weeks old. We all got pink eye. Even the babies.

1. The time we were in the McDonalds drive thru and Lilla climbed on top of the car. Uh huh. She did that. And many other things that could probably fill a book. Don't believe people when they tell you that girls are easier than boys. It totally depends on the personalities of both!

I am pretty sure that an army of angels has surrounded my kids throughout their lives. With all of the shenanigans we've only had to make one trip to the ER for stitches. 

Whatever It Takes

I've gone to church my whole life. I have sung "this world is not my home, I'm justa passin' through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue..." so many times that I can't possibly count. I have heard sermon after sermon after sermon about Heaven and the limitations of this Earth. 

I know in my head that this world is not where I belong. I know in my head that this world isn't meant to satisfy me and that it never will. Not my marriage. Not my home. Not my kids. Not my personal sense of accomplishment. 

But the other day I had a sort of 'aha!' moment.

I was pondering my beliefs about life. About my marriage in particular. I was kind of doing a heart check to see if my beliefs line up with God's word and I realized that they don't. 

I realized that my heart was still holding onto the belief that if I could just work hard enough or find the secret formula that all of my needs/wants could be met and I could be completely and utterly happy based on that. 

The thing is, this life isn't about this life. 

Being dissatisfied here is a good thing. It is those feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment that send me running straight into the arms of God and into a deeper relationship with Him.

This life and this place and these people and this food are not meant to satisfy me. It's not their job. 

And that heart realization is revolutionizing me. It immediately lifted weight off my shoulders and gave me a sense of peace.

I can be content and even joyful in the imperfections and trials of this life. I can allow those moments to draw me closer to God.

When my husband lets me down, I can let him off the hook and praise God for the reminder that He is my completer and ultimate provider.

When my own flaws and imperfections become apparent and the limitations of my humanity show their face, I can praise God and seek His kingdom and trust that His power is perfected in my weakness.

My desire is for transformation. I have been praying for that. I long to be like Jesus. But I've been complaining about the very things He was using to answer those prayers. 

Hm...that reminds me of a song. How about you?! 

So today my prayer is "whatever it takes God. Whatever it takes to draw me to You. Please give me that. As scary as that could be....I trust You. Please give me that." 

Getting Real About Marriage

A little over a year ago, I wrote this post about my marriage. (And then about 6 months ago I wrote this one)

I kind of laugh at myself now because I didn't even know how unperfect my marriage was.

The truth is, I'm feeling a little bit cynical these days. I have a hard time reading anything about how to have a good marriage, because most of it seems so naive. And because I've taken so much of that advice and worked hard to implement it and I have still ended up where I have ended up. Broken. In a broken marriage. With a broken man.

We don't struggle with fighting about underwear on the floor. I mean, we might bicker about that periodically but it's never really about the underwear on the floor. 

Basically, his character defects and addictions have spent the last 15 years colliding with my character defects and addictions and now there's a desperate need for a "clean up on isle"...us. All this time we thought the mess was normal and okay and what we deserved. So we lived in it. And as we lived in it, it grew. 

I finally realized a few years ago that it wasn't normal and that things really could be different and so I started reading books and blogs about how to do it better...how to clean up this mess I'd made. And it did get cleaned up. Things got better and better. 

But it was like trying to clean up the water from a leak in the roof without fixing the leak in the roof. 

So, here we are fixing the leak in the roof. And I keep having to remind myself and hear the truth that I can't fix it by myself. 

The thing is, I can't fix my marriage without fixing me. A bridge can't be stable if the individual components aren't stable. A bridge can only be as strong as the individual structures that hold it together are. 

Our marriage can only be as strong and stable as Michael and I are. It can only be as Christ like as Michael and I are. 

And so we're working on our marriage by working on ourselves. We are surrendering to the changes that God sees fit to make in our lives. And we are loving each other deeply in the process. 

A New Deuteronomy

It is amazing how quickly I can get off track. How quickly I can forget my purpose.

Like with this blog. A little over two months ago I made a commitment to myself to write something every day and to post something to this blog two days a week.

I didn't care a whole lot if I got any page views. Because this is not about that.

But I fall into the trap of wanting to be accepted and approved of and I compare myself to other people. And I start questioning myself. Maybe people are just being nice. If I were really a good writer wouldn't....fill in the blank...happen?

What it really comes down to is writing, with whatever level of talent God has given me, is what God has given me. I'm a writer and I think that God wants me to use that to tell the story of what He's done for me and what He's still doing and what He's teaching me.

But like the one talent man in the story of the talents, sometimes I lose my nerve. I question and I am tempted to just bury it. Because someone else can do it better. What can I possibly contribute to the world with my small and limited talent?

The thing that I seem to keep forgetting is that this isn't about me. It isn't about who approves of me or who accepts me or who I compare to. It. Isn't. About. Me.

So I'm having my own little Deuteronomy moment. I'm taking a moment to remember and tell myself the story of the Gospel and how that precious story has changed my life.

I'm refocusing. And I'm returning

My purpose is to bring glory to God. To let His light shine through me. To tell the story of His amazing grace in my life.

What He does with that is His business.

Adventures in Walking

I wrote this in August of 2011.

So I was walking along, oblivious to the world. Enjoying the evening--have I mentioned the evenings in Central California are the best evenings anywhere? Well, they are.

So I'm walking along, and a good song comes on so I get a little extra pep in my step....when out of the corner of my eye I see something running fiercely in my direction. I turn and see this GARGANCHUAN dog running at me.

Now, I'd like to stop right here to say that I have what I consider to be a healthy fear of animals. You will never read about me getting choked to death by my pet boa constrictor.

Also, I have a fairly nice sized knowledge of dog breeds and their corresponding personalities stored away.

With that being said...

I'm standing there and I see this huge dog...lips flapping in the wind putting his razor sharp teeth on display, its tongue hanging out, eyes all red and drooping and the skin around the eyes getting caught in the wind making the red around it's eyes more visible...very reminiscent of several sharks I've seen. All of that foreknowledge goes out the window. There is a dog running at me and all I can think of is PIT BULL.  I immediately start screaming.

Keep this in mind...all of this was happening whilst music was playing in my ear drum. So i have no way of knowing how grossly overboard the screaming went...but I can assure you...IT WAS LOUD...AND SHRILL. And probably unhelpful.

I'm standing there picturing the scene from Mark of the Lion where Hadassah is getting eaten by the lion. Yeah. Seriously, I'm picturing meat and bones and blood.

Not good.

All the while the dog is just prancing around me...obviously if he were going to eat me he wouldn't be so UNthreatening. And I realized it was some sort of boxer mix and NOT a pitbull at all.

So just as I BEGAN to realize the dog probably didn't have rabies and wasn't going to rip my flesh from my bones, I was starting to calm down and stop screaming, I realize there's a big, burly, long haired, long bearded scary looking man running toward me...WIELDING A HAMMER! To this I'm thinking...oh great...the dog was just to get me to stop now this huge man is going to kill me.

The man says something to me...and it finally occurs to me to take my earbuds OUT of my ears. So the man is telling me (while trying to wrangle the dog...who will not be wrangled) how the dog won't hurt me. And I'm like...yeah...thanks! I'm not really into taking safety advice from a big burly man waving a hammer around...but whatever.

Anyway, I said all that to say this:  I wasn't torn to shreds by a vicious dog.

The End.

Motivation to Keep Going Even When it Hurts

A few years ago, during my weightloss saga, I was very motivated to reach a certain goal. For weeks I had been inching closer and closer to it but not quite reaching it. So I decided that "desperate times call for desperate measures" and I stuck 40 pounds in a backpack and started out on the 6 mile walk home from church.

Even as I started out the weight felt heavy but I was pretty determined so I set out anyway.

For the first 3 miles or so I was able to distract myself from the heaviness. I focused on the sermon (on Romans 8) that was playing in my ear.

As I made my trek my shoulders hurt, so I would stop, set the backpack down for about 30 seconds and then return it and continue on my way.

Each time I sat it down though, it became harder to pick it back up. The shoulder straps on the backpack--that was made so sturdy that they were willing to give us a lifetime guarantee--began to tear.

The weight on my shoulders made it difficult to even remain upright...putting one foot in front of the other required a concentrated effort.

I just kept thinking of what it would feel like to reach my goal. And so I kept going.

I stopped taking breaks because it required too much energy to lift the backpack off my shoulders and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it back onto my shoulders once it was off. The backpack kept hitting me in the lower back and it got painful enough that I put my hands there to keep it from happening.

I was miserable. But I kept going...

...until I made it to the 5 mile mark. I walked to a safe spot to wait, I took the backpack off of my shoulders and I called Michael and asked him to pick me up.

I had rub burns and bruises on both my shoulders and a deep bruise on my lower back where the backpack had hit me.

Even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I felt good about it.

Setting goals is powerful. Setting a specific goal kept me going long after I would have stopped if I didn't have one. I endured way more pain than I would have tolerated if I didn't have my goal to focus my mind on.

I love setting goals but I think that breaking them down into smaller daily or weekly ones is important. The smaller goals work toward the bigger ones and the victories from the smaller ones keep me motivated to keep going until I reach the bigger one. My mind being focused on what I can do TODAY keeps me from getting bogged down in how far I still have to go.

The cool thing is, even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I reached and even surpassed the goal I had set. So I chalk that up as a win. :)

Thief of Responsibility

Up until about 8 months ago I was completely convinced that all, 100%, of the problems in my relationships were my fault. I believed that I had either created the problem in the first place, or I had made it worse.

Either way--my fault.

I had spent the last 8 or so years examining my relationships and taking ownership of the problems. And definitely a large portion of those problems were mine to own...but I was taking ownership of everything, 100%. And as I changed, things DID change so I took that as confirmation that I had been the problem.

But even as I worked so hard to change, by God's grace and through His power, some things didn't change.

I would go through periods of deep depression out of frustration and despair because I just hadn't changed enough to fix all the problems. I questioned whether I had actually changed at all or if it was just my imagination or pride. And I began to question whether it was even possible for me to change. Like maybe I was just a Saul or Judas or Pharoah. And that led to a lot of questioning God and being angry. All of this even though I had clearly changed.

So last September I became desperate and reached out for help. I began counseling and going to Celebrate Recovery and working the steps and principles. And I've spent the last 8 months coming to the realization that everything is NOT my fault.

While my actions have and do affect others, I am not 100% responsible for the problems in the world. Or even MY world. If it can't be fixed by ME changing--it probably isn't and never was my fault.

I have to own my own actions but no amount of fixing ME is going to fix someone else. And fixing them isn't my responsibility or even within my realm of control.

In some ways this is a huge load off. Not having to take responsibility for other peoples actions and feelings is a weight lifted from my shoulders.

But it also means that I can't fix all the problems in my life. God can fix me if I'm willing to surrender but no amount of surrendering on my part will fix anyone else. I have to just pray and trust God with other people.

So when something happens or someone lets me know that there's a problem, I can assess the situation, own my part, ask for forgiveness if necessary and not take responsibility that isn't mine to take. Because taking other peoples responsibility robs them of the opportunity to grow.

Yes, my actions can trigger someone to sin. And I am responsible for not provoking my brothers and sisters to stumble and I should avoid it at all costs.

Yes, other peoples actions can trigger me. I am responsible for setting boundaries for myself and communicating them to protect myself from sinning (that seems to be what Jesus is talking about when He says, if your right hand offends you, cut it off). It is also my responsibility to NOT sin even when provoked. I fail on that account.

The thing is, knowing that my words and actions are about me, and only me, has set me free. Because the same thing applies to other people. Other peoples words and actions are about them. Not me. "Hurting people hurt people and free people free people".

So what does this look like in my life?

1. My depression is almost non existent.

2. My relationship with Michael is much more peaceful.

3. I'm a better mom. I didn't even realize how much all of that responsibility affected me as a mother. Yelling has reduced to...well...it's a rare occurrence.

4. I can trust the wisdom that God provides and I can tell myself the truth based on that. So I can take responsibility for my actions when needed and feel confident when things truly aren't my fault.

When I started this process, I thought I would be fixed at the end of my step study. I'm not. But I have learned a ton and I am equipped for growth.

I am thankful and I am ready to continue the journey.

10 Good Recipes

1. I have a special fascination with recipes that proclaim themselves the "best". And I'm always on the lookout for a good vanilla cake recipe.

 I love cooking and baking from scratch. I usually have the ingredients anyway, I enjoy the process and I like knowing exactly what's in my food. :) Also, cake made from scratch tends to be more filling so the eater doesn't eat as much.

The problem is cakes from scratch, particularly vanilla ones, are more prone to both ingredient and procedural error.

 So I have been on the prowl for a good recipe for a long time. I recently tried this one and it's our favorite so far. I also made the Marshmallow Frosting but I probably won't again. It LOOKS beautiful! And it tastes okay but marshmallow cream as frosting isn't our thing. Although I might use that recipe for recipes that call for marshmallow cream. Cause, from scratch. :)

2. I've been making this recipe for years. It's kind of become more of a formula for me. I vary up the ingredients. Sometimes I use taco season in the meat. And sometimes I add in some veggies and sometimes I use potatoes instead of rice. Pretty much however I make it, it's pretty easy, cost effective and my family enjoys it!

3. These are very much like Cheez It crackers. You have to get them pretty thin though so they will be crispy. They are good if they're thicker too, but they are more crackery if they are thin. I like to roll them out and cut them out into fun shapes.

Also, it HAS to be sharp cheese. Anything less than that is kind of bland and ends up being something else entirely.

4. I absolutely LOVE making these graham crackers. They are soooo good and sooo easy to make. I also like cutting these out into fun shapes!!!

5. I love creating my own recipes. I love researching other recipes and finding out what each ingredient does and then making my own recipe based on the result I want to achieve. And that's what I did with these granola bars!! We love them!

6. This is the recipe I learned to make homemade Refried Beans on. I don't really follow the recipe anymore, I've kind of made up my own version and I do it different every time. But these are delicious!!!! My kids would probably eat them every day.

7. Cheeseburger Soup. Do I need to say anything else?! It is really delicious. This is another that I kind of just use as a base now. I've added all kinds of other veggies and I've used cream cheese instead of sour cream and it's all delicious!

8. Okay. This one has a lot of ingredients. The bacon and onions and stuff make everyone in my house turn into ravenous zombies.

I didn't use spanish onions, I used ruglar onions. They might have been Spanish, and they might not have been. We don't discriminate. We believe in affirmative onion action. :)

 I also use frozen corn from Costco. It's the best frozen corn ever. It tastes fresh off the ear! And I don't have to do the work to get it off the ear.

 I only use about half of the heavy cream. I use some Sour cream and some cream cheese to make up the difference. And I just put it in until it tastes good and the texture is right. And did I mention I only make this when there's company? Cause that's a lot of creamy stuff and it's super good and if I made it just for us we'd all eat our weight of soup.

I actually made it this way the first time I made it because I didn't want to spring for all the cream. But the next time I made it I made it straight and it wasn't as good.

9. This Chicken Pot Pie recipe. Here's the thing, I've made this with the homemade crust before and I've used store bought crust...either way, it's amazing. I've used frozen veggies and I've used fresh...either way, it's amazing. I usually add potatoes. I use prebaked ones just to make sure they get done...cause nobody wants to bite into an undone potato!

Oh, and I don't remember ever using the wine. Although I may have. But I know I haven't used it a majority of the time because we don't keep it. Either way, amazing!

10. Okay, so our kids LOVE waffles. Honestly, I'm glad because I'm not a good pancake maker. I don't know why. Anyway, this is a good basic recipe. I've varied it up and added things and they are always good!!

11. Did I say 10? Well since I shared a cake recipe, I need to share a frosting one, right? Well, I love this one. I don't always want to take the time to make it, but it's really good if I do. Here's the thing though, I have never been able to get regular granulated sugar to work. I use the extra fine granulated sure and I have been successful with that. I've also used powdered sugar and that worked too...even though the recipe says specifically to NOT do that. :)

This frosting is light...it's not rich like buttercream is. It's particularly good on chocolate and Red Velvet cakes.

There you go! What are YOUR good ol' standby recipes?!

The Best Cure for Writers Block

At some point in my school career one or more of my teachers addressed the issue of "writers block". They advised us to sit down and just start writing something. Anything. Just write whatever popped into our heads--no matter how silly--and eventually we would be able to write for our assignment.

I still take that advice.

Which is why I just wrote out the lyrics of What's New, Pussycat?

Yes. Yes I did.

Annnyyywayyy.

For a long time I have felt a strong desire to deal with the sin in my life. Beyond just willing myself to stop doing it and failing over and over again. Somethings I had kind of learned my lesson on and stopped on my own--like lying, being passive aggressive and gossiping. But I still needed growth.

I was struggling in a lot of other areas and didn't know how to get to the root and actually deal with them. Most people don't talk a lot about their stuff. I really tried to but people just didn't seem to know either.

I prayed about his a lot.

Well, back in September, one day I just got an overwhelming urge to go to Celebrate Recovery. I contacted a friend who could give me the scoop about times and stuff and decided to go that evening.

It was a little awkward at first. But I decided to trust that God would use it to work on me.

A few months later I began a step study, and our last meeting is this coming Monday.

The funny thing is, I went in knowing that I had a lot of struggles but over the coarse of the class the list of things has actually grown. Not because I've regressed but because I've learned that a lot of things that I thought were good and healthy, actually aren't.

I have learned so much and looking back, I see God's hand.

There are a lot of changes in my life since then.

I am learning to be a really safe person. It's instinctive at this point to NOT repeat things--even when the other person didn't ask me to keep what they said in confidence.

I am learning to deal with conflict in a healthy way--without being passive or ignoring the problem.

I am learning to process my feelings so that I don't act in character defects and sin.

I am learning to walk in the spirit instead of my flesh.

I am ultimately learning to have a deeper relationship with God. To be dependent on Him instead of codependent on others. To rely on Him to fill my needs and not other people or things. To place my self worth in Him and let Him define me and not my works or other peoples opinions. To believe and listen to His truth instead of Satan's lies.

I am so thankful for the people that God has brought into my life to lead me into a deeper relationship with God and make me more like Christ!

How I Became a Rock Star...for about 30 profound seconds

A few years ago I ran a series of 5ks. During one particular race, after all of us runners had been dispatched to the starting line, the event coordinators gathered the spectators (mostly friends and loved ones of runners) around a bend in the course and instructed them to cheer as we passed through. 

We had no idea (or maybe I was the only one who didn't know) until we turned the corner. Turning that corner felt like the oxygen in the air turned to pure love that sat on my skin, permeated my crevices and intoxicated me. The closest thing to Heaven on Earth that I've experienced.

As I ran through the throng of people clapping and cheering me on, David Crowder sang How He Loves Us in my ear. 

I love Hebrews 12. I love that the writer spent the eleventh chapter reminding his/her readers of all the deeply flawed people who lived out their faith and accomplished God's will despite their sins and struggles. And then he/she says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so easily, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Every time I read those verses, I think of that race. I think of all the preparation I did. I think of how sweaty I was and how labored my breathing was. And I think about how beneficial it was for me and how glad I am that I did it.

As I run my spiritual race, I find myself holding onto "weights" and "sins". They are heavy and they really do hold me back while I'm running. So I'm in the process of shedding them. And while I am less encumbered in a lot of ways, in some ways I haven't made the progress that I would like.

So whenever I feel discouraged I read Hebrews 12 and I think of Samson, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, my Grandma Permenter and Jesus himself standing on the sidelines cheering me on as I run my spiritual race. I imagine turning that corner and seeing all of their faces...having been exactly where I am...and hearing them call out my name, raise their hands to high-five me and encourage me to keep on keeping on. My eyes refocus on Jesus and it's like a breath of fresh air, a burst of energy. I correct my running form and pick up the pace.