The Catch

Sometimes  I feel like a fraud. Sometimes when I want to express my love to God, the words catch in my throat because my actions aren't always aligned with those words.

Peter comes to mind in those moments.

He was quick to declare his love, faith and loyalty. But his actions were not always as bold or in agreement in their declarations. And sometimes, he completely missed the point.

And yet, even when he denied knowing Jesus, Jesus never denied knowing him. And when He missed the point or got it wrong, Jesus didn't tell him to go away. Or render him useless and relegate him to being a silent observer.

He invited him out onto the water. He ate dinner with him. Included him in private, intimate moments. Appeared to him and taught him after the resurrection and then filled him with His Spirit and used him to implement and teach and govern His Kingdom on Earth.

My deficiencies do not render me useless to God. They render me humble and reliant on Him. They embody opportunities for God's glory and power to make themselves evident.

Should I sin with abandon based on that?

NO!

I should get over myself, open my spirit, accept His grace, trust Him to do His work inspite of my weakness.

And sing and dance and tell everyone around me about my awesome God and what He's done for me!

And you should too.

One Episode in the Story of How God Saved Us and Our Marriage

I stood my ground in bare feet.

After 14 and 1/2 years of marriage, we stood in the kitchen. Contemplating. Surrendering.

Neither of us had ever really let the word divorce settle to the ground. Always afraid that the ground would explode if we did. We both regretted. We both wished from time to time. But it was never REALLY a road we were willing to take.

I had manipulated him into marrying me. Because I was dead inside. Because I opened my soul and allowed Satan to plant his claws there.

I didn't know that knowing I hadn't been chosen would leave an emptiness in my spirit. I was selfish and impulsive and manipulative and I groped the control of my life out of God's hands and I coerced events to get what I wanted.

But I didn't get what I wanted. And to this very day, if I could take it all back. I would.

And so, even though I admitted my lies and manipulations years ago, as he struggled with fidelity, I took each revelation and indiscretion as lashes that I deserved, ripping and tearing at my spirit.

So we stood in the kitchen, fourteen and a half years of pain spilling out around us. Of infidelity and lies. Souls weary from the burden. God had brought our marriage a long way. But the pit felt darker than ever. It seemed like each layer that was peeled back just revealed another level that needed peeling back. And...

After 14 and a half years of knowing he hadn't really chosen me, I was done trying to hold it all together. It was time to let it go. To let the chips fall where they would. If our marriage didn't survive...then it didn't survive.

And I felt my spirit surrender. The world wouldn't end. The ground wouldn't explode. It would be difficult and painful but we would all be okay. Divorce was an option.

Was there too much pain? Had we hurt each other too much? Could we really have an intimate, REAL marriage that could give glory to God?

We stood in the kitchen. We searched our hearts. We cried.

And we chose.

We chose each other. For real this time. Without any manipulation or coercion. He chose me. And I chose him.

And for the first time, I felt chosen. 

We started being super honest. Stopped making assumptions and started asking questions.

We aren't perfect. This isn't 'happily ever after'. But it's real.

And all those weights that felt like they were holding us down, finally let go. Because we let them go.

Things I Learned (or relearned) in 2016: Part One, Probably

1. My kids success isn't always in God's plan.

I prayed that my child would win. Not for bragging rights or for the parental status it would bring. For my child.

So, I watched my child run like the wind...way behind all the other kids. And my heart sank. Why couldn't God allow my child to be good at this one thing? Why couldn't He allow my child to be successful this one time?

I blinked back hot tears as my heart hurt for my child who was obviously working as hard as they could...and still losing by a large margin. And I asked God why.

It took a few minutes for the answer to come, but I realized that my child is not the only child on the field and I am not the only parent praying for their child to win. Obviously they can't all win.

So I changed my prayers. Instead of praying for my child to win, I prayed that God would do whatever He thought best and to help my child not find their worth in their loses or wins but in the Father who loves them regardless of how they perform. And I thanked God for whatever He was doing to draw my children to Him.

2. Elton John is NOT singing "hot do-o-g" in Rocket Man. He's singing "oh no no no".

I liked the song more before I learned this.

3. Communication is hard. Bad communication and NO communication is harder, but is so embedded in me that it's really hard to break out of it.

Good and open communication makes life so much easier. It's baffling how often I used to make assumptions and act on those assumptions. Like, I would immediately judge why someone did something and then react to them as though it were true. But the thing is, if they didn't tell me it's true, I have no right to assume it is. In fact, I have no right to try to guess why someone else did something. If I am going to assume anything, it should be that their intentions were good. And when in doubt, ASK!

I can't even tell you how much I appreciate being on the receiving end of being asked. And how much I abhor it when I am punished for something I never even THOUGHT, much less acted on. Both encourage me to be more open in communication.

4. "Grace without truth is enabling. Truth without grace is bullying"--Jean-Anne Cooper

5. God is so much more bigger than I ever knew. Yes, more bigger. He is so much bigger than rules and walls. He is alive and active and beautiful and good. And He is in me. And that's the most beautiful part. Me. The girl who struggles to keep her home clean, the girl who has moments of doubt, this ex-Judas girl. He is in me and He is changing me.

6. God's community is so much more than "going to church". It's more than refreshments after church. It's forgiving without being asked to. REALLY forgiving, not resenting and SAYING I forgive but actually forgiving. It's INCLUDING, not condescending. It's serving. Not out of some codependent need, but with a heart that is indwelled by the Spirit and with the mind of Christ. It's full of safe people who don't believe or repeat or listen to ugly things said about another. It's bearing one anothers burdens and honoring each other. And saying the hard things. It's laying down my "rights" at Jesus' feet and allowing others to have their way instead of demanding my own. It's a LIFE. Not just a day of the week.

So far, I think the theme is...the Majesty of God and the breaking down of my walls of biases.

This is Hard to Say...But it Needs to be Said

I cannot express to you how much I do NOT want to say what I am going to tell you.

A while back I went through spiritual formation counseling.

The process began by personality tests and spiritual gifts assessments and then, and over a period of weeks and months, I was given spiritual disciplines assignments to complete and then I would report back periodically how each task had gone. It was all in an effort to find how I personally connect with God.

Bible reading, meditation and journaling were all very productive for me. Surprisingly though, silence and listening and community are all major players as well. Who would have thought?!

But, there's a major way that I connect with God that I had kind of missed.

I've written before about how I get great ideas when I'm washing dishes. But, at the time I was acknowledging this, my idea of connecting with God was much more narrow than it is now and so I didn't recognize it as connecting with God.

For the past little while I have been gobbling up every bit of Gods word that I can get. I have been reading the Bible and praying and journaling and listening to others explore God's word and spending time in community. I just am desperate for more of God. For His word. I want the mind of Christ. I want my flesh dead and my spirit alive and nourished and filled by Jesus and the Spirit.

All of this has been very valuable activity. And I wouldn't give back any of it but for the last 24 hours or so, I have felt the need for silence. For just sitting with God. To process it all and soak it in. But I've been struggling to accomplish that. It's like I just couldn't shut my brain down to just listen.

And so, today when I FINALLY went into my kitchen to clean it...I dug in and began the dirty work of washing dishes and bringing order back to the chaos,..I felt my spirit rest. And my soul connect. 

And I finally made the connection...(and believe me, I could NOT want to NOT say this more than I do. If I could bring on the writer's block at any moment...NOW would be the perfect time.) IconnectwithGodwhenIcleanmykitchen.

There, I said it. Whew! That was tough.

It's not just that I get good ideas when I wash dishes. For some reason, my spirit finds God's in the soap and water and scrubbing and restoration of order.

I don't know if cleaning the kitchen in particular requires a level of submission that Bible reading doesn't...actually, I take that back...I know it does. I could read my Bible all day every day...but even though I know that cleaning the kitchen is good for me...sometimes I put it off for long periods of time without doing it. It's dirty and time consuming. Like foot washing.

So...as much as I hate to say it...cleaning my kitchen is a spiritual discipline that I need to engage in more often.

Here is my before and after:

My Way

My website, the one I've been writing from, will likely be offline in the next few days.

I've read articles, books, etc about how to get a blog off the ground. I maintained a Twitter for a while, made sure I had visual aids for my blog posts, posted on Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook.

I tried to make my site appealing. Because I'm a writer.

For a while I had a paid subscription to Lysa Terkheurst's website created for women who want to write or speak. I've tried to implement her suggestions to make my writing more appealing.

I've submitted my writing a couple of times to (in)Courage...only to get the same form rejection letter both times.

I've reinvented myself a million times, looking for whatever it is that successful writers have that draw people to them.

But most of all I have tried to follow God's leading, to listen for and follow His will. To use whatever gifts I have to draw people to Him. And that has mostly led to a lot of transparency on my part. A lot of confessions and just laying my brokenness in all it's broken glory out there for all the world to read.

I don't regret that. I don't regret any of it. But my blog isn't off the ground. What I think a successful writer is...I am not. I don't get a lot of shares on Facebook, I don't get a lot of page views and nobody is knocking at my door to publish a book.

The thing is, I am not going to stop writing. Because, for whatever reason, I believe that it's what God has given me. Even if my blog never gets off the ground and (in)Courage rejects everything I ever submit to them. I am not going to stop.

I am a writer. This is my thing. This is what God has given me. Even if nobody reads it or shares it on Facebook or ever wants to publish it. I am not going to stop. Because if God entrusted it to me, I am going to use it for His glory and nothing else. Page views, shares and publishers become irrelevant. If He uses it for something else, hurrah! If He only uses it to fill my time to keep me out of trouble...well okay then.

To God be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Go Your Own Way

I felt like a dirty mop. 

 

I drug myself from my bed, readied myself for work, worked for 8 hours...with a one hour break in the middle where I would do chores or run errands that I wouldn't have time to do after work...I picked up the kids and came home and made dinner super quickly, and then we all headed out the door. 

 

Sometimes there was no time for dinner prep or dinner at all. 

 

I felt like a dirty mop being used for jobs I wasn't prepared for. I was tired and frazzled and I never saw my kids in a meaningful way.

 

So a few weeks ago, my husband and I made a decision to bow out of all of our evening entanglements. Some we could stop immediately, others would require notice.

 

I really think it was the best thing we've ever done.

 

I have time to make good, tasty meals in the evening. We use real dishes. And we all sit at the table and we pass things. And we laugh. And water comes out of our noses.

 

And tonight, I threw potatoes. 

 

Sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. The things we were doing in the evenings were good things. Right things. 

 

It's just...both Michael and I felt an overwhelming push to simplify. To make dinner. To sit at the table together and pass things. To laugh until water comes out of our noses. To throw potatoes.

 

And I just can't imagine ever regretting this. Others may not agree. But for now, it's right for us. 

 

I see God doing something here. Here in the dinner making. The table sitting. The potato throwing. In the release of my own will and desire to please people in order to allow Him to direct our paths.  

 

The thing is, something just clicked for Michael and I a while back. We've always just kind of accepted the life we had because we thought it was ALL we COULD have. But, for whatever reason, we finally realized that we can have the life we've always wanted. And this simplification is kind of step 1 in our overall plan. 

 

We've submitted our plan to God and are following His lead, and I am excited about where He is going to take us! 

Let's Be Real For A Moment

Hello. I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I am in recovery from Codependency, lying, self hatred, self harm, blame, bulimia, depression and negative attention seeking. 

It has really amazed me how God has put the right people in my life, at the right times and in the right places. 

 

For the last two years, God has used Celebrate Recovery to refine me and prune my heart. He's done a lot. 

 

I'm not saying that to brag on myself. I say that to give God glory. 

 

But the thing is, I still struggle. A lot. With a lot of things.

 

My main, um...maybe I should say a big issue...because I guess only God knows if it's my main one... issue is that I seek the approval of people instead of God. I mean, it's not like a conscious choice to choose people over God. It's such a habit that I do it automatically. It's my default.

 

Not only do I seek the approval of people, but I compare myself to them. And you know what?! I NEVER measure up. 

 

And you know what that feels like?! It feels like being paralyzed. I want to move, I want to act, I want to be free and my brain tells me to, but my heart believes my fear instead of the good sense that God gave me. I don't text because I am afraid that the other person doesn't want to hear from me. I'm not friendly because there are far more interesting and likeable people for them to hang out with. And I'm not myself anyway because I am so stinkin scared. It's so stinking frustrating.

 

So life happens. And I am reminded of how fragile it is. And how trivial it can be. And my desire to be set free is renewed. Somehow it's easier to tell the voices in my head where to go. And real change seems possible or at least worth hoping and working for.

I want to live the life that God has for me. I want to be brave. I want to take risks. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to live the life that God instilled in me the desire for.

 

So I'm starting the steps over. 

 

Father, I am powerless over my desire to please people and seek their approval. I am powerless to change my heart. I am powerless to quiet the lies that Satan tells me about my self worth. Father, I know who you are. You are good. You are MY God. You are my Provider. You are a rewarder of those who seek you. Father, my spirit wants to see You with my whole heart but my flesh is weak and sinful. Please empower me to live by the spirit and put to death the desires and habits and false beliefs of my flesh. Father, I know that you can change me. Not for my glory but for Yours. Change me Lord and I will sing your praises from the roof tops. Father, I turn my heart, my mind, my body and my soul over to your care and control. Father, please search me. Change me. Mold me. Father, I have sought the approval of people and I have done things out of a desire to please people. Father I have stifled the girl that you made me. I have kept quiet when I should have spoken up, I have spoken up when I should have stayed quiet. Father, I have lied to avoid negative reactions from others. I have lied about how I feel and what I like and who I am. Father, I have been unforgiving and judgmental. Instead of seeking to see others through your eyes, I have judged their hearts and been unloving. FAther I have been impatient with my kids and lazy about caring for my home and body. I have used food to fill the place in my heart that only You can fill. Father, I am sorry for this. I repent. Father, have mercy on me, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. I know I have sinned, my sin is always before me. I have sinned against you God and done what is evil in your sight. You are justified to condemn me, I deserve your judgment. Please place truth and wisdom in my heart. Father, thank you for discipline. Father, please create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me. Father, please don't cast me away from your presence, and please don't take your Holy Spirit from me. Please restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. Father, please take away all of my defects of character and please search me and purge any sin in my heart or mind or soul or body. It's in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Good Directions

Before Google or smartphones, he gave me directions. Not super precise ones, but accurate directions nonetheless.

 

I got on 360 as directed, with the intention of following the directions without fail. But, the exit he told me to take from I-20, appeared out of nowhere on 360.   

 

I felt confused and pressured to make a decision...maybe he meant for me to take this exit and he made a mistake in telling me to go to I-20? I mean, what are the chances that there are going to be two exits with the same name within a short distance?! Did I write the directions down incorrectly? Did I misunderstand? So, in my "about to pee my pants" crazed intoxication...I took the exit. 

 

About 20 minutes later, I realized that he COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY meant THIS EXIT, so I did the drive of shame back to 360. Went west on I-20. Got off on Green Oaks. Made it to my destination. 20 minutes late. 

 

Have you ever done that spiritually? 

 

(When I say spiritually. what I really mean is "have you ever done this in your life?" Because, as a follower of Jesus, my whole life is spiritual. Right? I'm sure that God doesn't care a lot about which brand of toothpaste I buy, but I still do it in His name and for His glory. Because as a follower of Christ, scripture tells us to do everything we do in Jesus name and for His glory. Does that meant that EVERYTHING that I do brings Him glory?! Sadly, no. But it should. And my life is calibrated with HIM at the center. I lose my way and do the wrong thing frequently...but staying on course and letting God infiltrate even the part of me that buys toothpaste is what this life is about, right?! I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong. Feel free to correct me.)

 

ANYWAY. 

I've done this. I'm plugging along, following God's direction and trusting His faithfulness to make my paths straight, when out of nowhere a sign appears. And I relapse into trusting in MY OWN ability to discern the will of God instead of in His wisdom and faithfulness to direct my steps. I feel confused and pressured to make a decision. Do I stay on the course I'm on or take a turn? Is this the rode He means for me to take? Did I misunderstand? Am I misunderstanding NOW? 

 

I recently realized that I may have made a wrong turn.

 

Lately I've been feeling like a dirty mop. Like a dirty mop that doesn't ever take the time to be cleaned in between moppings because "there's no time". So, I am technically performing the task, but not well or sufficiently or really AT ALL. It might LOOK done, it may be better than it was. But it is NOT done in the way it should be. 

I've been doing things out of people pleasing and approval seeking instead of being called and gifted by God to do them. And I have not been taking time to recharge and allow God to restore my soul and fill me up so that I am ready and able to perform the tasks in front of me. 

 

So, I am taking a sabbatical of sorts, through the end of this year. I am taking time to discern the will of God and to just listen to HIM. To take His directions instead of trying to figure it out myself in my "pressured to make a decision and fear of the judgment of people" hysteria.

 

I understand that there are some tasks that just have to get done and they aren't necessarily a calling. But I've realized that the gifts I've been given aren't being used in the tasks I'm doing. I'm doing the things I'm doing to please other people. And I want to stop that. Because even if, at the end of my self imposed sabbatical, I realize that the things I'm already doing are the ones God has called me to, I want to approach them in THAT way instead of from a place of people pleasing and approval seeking. I want to bring the gifts that God has given me to the table instead of being a pawn who just does what she's told to do like a little robot, being afraid of rejection...because I'm operating from people pleasing/approval seeking instead of in Jesus name, and to glorify God. 

 

So there you go. Is it okay to end a blog with "The End"? 

THE END.  

Embracing Uniqueness

I haven’t baked anything in a long time. Well, I take that back. I have baked but I have baked in a time crunch just to get it done. I’ve done the sort of hurried/shoddy baking that I do when I am tired and I have a deadline.

 

I have baked brownies from a box. I have baked cakes from a box.

 

So, if you do both of those things regularly...no judgment. I just REALLY enjoy baking from scratch. And if you know me very well, you know that I prefer to not bake from boxes. (Partially because I don’t want my children to grow up and think they have to have a box to bake.)

 

I have done very little baking just because I want to in the last almost 2 years.

 

I feel like my whole love affair with baking and cooking has hit a rut.

 

Honestly, most things that I enjoy doing just for the sake of doing them have been pushed aside in lieu of other things.

 

That’s not bad necessarily, my focus has been on my Recovery and transformation.

 

But I think in all my recovering and transforming, I forgot that God gave me gifts and desires and I’m not using them or enjoying them.

 

I have a tendency toward codependency. What that means, partially, is that I pick a person that I admire and then I try to be just like them. I try to like the things they like and do the things they do. But the thing is...I can’t do that. So I just give up and feel inferior.

I feel like God has awakened me. He has brought me out of denial in this area. He has reminded me that I am who He created me to be. I don’t have to be like anyone else to be loved. He loves me just the way I am. And that’s enough.

Broken Together...Work in Progress

My first car was not a clunker. But the air conditioner stopped working. My dad took it (before it was technically mine) to the shop to get that and some other things fixed. The shop called us and told us it was fixed so we went to pick it up.

 

I got in the car and drove to a gas station across the street. I pumped the gas and then got in my car and it wouldn’t start. Nothing. Nada. It wouldn’t start.

 

Needless to say, it went back to the shop. The mechanic diagnosed the problem and after a few days, they called us again to let us know it was ready.

 

When we picked it up, it ran well but the air conditioner still didn’t work. It would blow air, but it blew hot, dusty West Texas wind.

 

So, back it went. Again, the mechanic diagnosed the problem and fixed the issue. And again, we went to pick it up. The air conditioner worked for about 10 minutes and then it stopped. Again.

 

But this time, I didn’t have time to take it back. So I lived with it.

 

A while later I took it to another mechanic...who diagnosed the problem and then “fixed it”. For about ten minutes.

 

Every time I took it in, it was in better shape when I got it back and ran better than it did when I took it in. But the problem I took it in for wasn't necessarily fixed.

 

I eventually just stopped trying to get it fixed. The car ran well and air conditioning is luxury...so I just stopped putting money into it.

 

A while after, I had trouble getting it to start. A friend diagnosed the problem and showed me how to get it to start without really fixing the problem...with the intention that I would temporarily use this method and then get it fixed when I could.

 

But my car started so I didn’t get it fixed. For over a year, before I could start my car I had to lift the hood, bang on the thing my friend told me to bang on with a long screwdriver and then run to get in the car and start it. There were times when I didn’t hit it efficiently so I would have to start the whole process over again.

 

I feel like my experience with my car is kind of what I’ve experienced in my spiritual life.

 

I identify my problems and get help fixing them. Only to discover there’s a whole other level of stuff to fix. Or I have fixed the problem on a surface level but there is an oceans depth underneath that I didn’t even know was there.

 

And sometimes I’m so excited about the growth that I don’t even realize how bad something still is. Like, it’s better than it was and I don’t realize that it still isn’t good. I grow complacent, simply because I don’t realize that it or I could be even better. I set my expectations low because I focus too much on myself and what I think I’m capable of, instead of trusting God to do whatever work He sees fit to. I think, well, this is great, better than I ever thought it could be...because I don't expect to receive really good things. I believe that I deserve livable conditions but not an abundant life. So I don't expect it. I stop allowing God to work because I don't think I can have really good things.

 

This is also true in our marriage.

 

Michael and I have been getting some counseling. And last night he looked at us and said “how on earth have you made it this long?”

 

I don’t know the answer to that. The thing is, I feel like we didn’t and maybe still don’t know how bad things have been. I mean, we’ve always known that things were bad. But, I guess we didn’t know how bad they really were. Like, you know how sometimes people who have been abused don’t realize they were abused because they thought it was normal? Like that.

 

I guess God has allowed us to see things as we were able to. And I am thankful for that. And I am thankful to know that there is something better. That God can make this new. That somehow he can find that boy who held my mints and this girl that asked him to and make us into the people He always meant for us to be and we destroyed in our sin.

Plan B?

 Asa, confronted with an inevitable battle, was overwhelmed. He loved God. Asa had purged the nation of idols and restored worship to the One True God. God had been good to him. But in the face of this battle, he didn’t turn to God. He turned to an evil king nearby. A man who didn’t love God. And who certainly didn’t work or speak for Him.

To be honest with you I can understand where Asa was coming from. I struggle with waiting. My instinct is to figure it all out for myself, and I have a hard time discerning whether it’s time to flex my muscles and get my shovel or hit my knees and lie in green pastures. Not infrequently, I go with the muscle and shovel approach.

Today I am challenged by Asa. Am I trusting God? Am I allowing Him to open my doors or am I building my own? Am I allowing God to lead me in my pursuits to shed pounds, have a meaningful job, be a nurturing, life giving mother, purchase a home? Or am I looking for a way to accomplish these things in my own power? Am I trusting in the power that brought Christ out of the grave? Or am I trusting in my own or others to accomplish what concerns me?

Father, I know you are good. You are faithful. Your eyes are all seeing and all knowing and your thoughts are infinitely above mine. Father I praise you. Please search my heart and open my eyes to the ways and areas where I am not trusting fully in You. Please help me to look to you and not to myself or other people to accomplish what You have for me. Father, I trust you to fill me with your Spirit. To shed these weights that are holding me back while I am running. I trust you to give me the job that bring you glory and as You give me opportunities please help me to say yes. I trust you to make me the mother that my kids need and I trust you to provide us with the perfect home at the perfect time. I repent of my doubts and fears. I repent of my presumptuous actions and thoughts. It’s in Jesus name I pray. Amen.