Facing My Giants Part Deux

I'm not sure that this belongs here. But I think that, for my own healing and moving on, it has to go somewhere. So for right now, this is it.

I'm a little unsure of how to start so I think I'll just jump in and hope this is coherent.

Pride is my worst fault. It is at the core of every bad decision I've ever made. I wield my pride first as a shield and then as a weapon.

I've talked about how much I've changed from the girl I used to be. I loved lavishly and gave my whole heart. But little by little, as injury after injury came, and each time I wielded my pride (instead of admitting that my feelings were hurt--whether legitimately or not--I hid my tears...swallowed them and raised my chin in defiance and pride) the wall was built higher, until brick by brick I had laid the Great Wall of China around my heart. My quiet pride grew to a defensive one and anyone approaching my wall was pushed back and fired upon until I looked around me and, literally, I was alone.

I've always been baffled by my own pride and arrogance...after all, I have extremely low self esteem. Pride isn't the result of feeling good about myself...it's my overcompensation for NOT feeling good about myself...it's yet another way my inability to show vulnerability is manifested.

I don't want to be like that. I've been praying for God to turn me into the lover of others that He created me to be until I allowed my pride to obliterate His plan for me.

I'm not saying that I've suddenly gotten a new heart...but brick by brick and day by day I can feel the wall coming down. I'm ready to love lavishly, with my whole heart...and I'm learning to trust that God will get me through the rejections and hurt feelings.

I have to admit though,I'm scared. I'm scared for my renewed open heart to be tested. Will I pass the test? I don't know. Will I wield my pride shield at the first sign of pain? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I am so thankful that God hasn't given up on me. I used to consider taking my own life and I would cry and cry and ask God why I was alive...I couldn't see any good reason...I was not only a burden on myself but on everyone around me.

Today, I feel like I finally know why I didn't die. I am truly thankful to be alive. I am thankful that as low as I got...and as low as I still am, He hasn't given up on me. And even though I am still so flawed and I have so much changing to do and I stumble on a regular basis...I feel like the lost who has been found. I'm no longer a sheep lost in the dark waiting to be eaten by a wolf...I've been found by the shepherd.

Things I Don't Understand

For the past two days I've been struggling.

There are so many things that I know I need to be doing. One thing is getting up before my kids. I've gone through long periods where I've done this. But lately, and for the past few months, I haven't been doing it.

I struggle with understanding how God works. I know that He does. I am convinced my weightloss is a direct result of that. But losing weight isn't the only change that needs to be made in my life.

So I've been praying that God would help me get up in the morning, before my kids.

Well, so far, I'm not.

I'm not sure if God is telling me that it isn't time for that or if I'm somehow not listening to what He IS telling me.

With all of the things that I stink at, with all of the ways that I continually fail my kids and everyone around me...I think I'm still somehow missing the point.

I'm so thankful for what He's done in my life...losing 111 pounds, so far, is AMAZING and I am SO THANKFUL...but I still have so much to learn...and I have a feeling that He might be in the middle of teaching me something right now.

An Attitude of Gratitude

My cup is not half empty and it's not half full. My cup runneth over.

But sometimes you'd think my cup were empty from my attitude. For me, complaining and a negative attitude come easily.  Finding fault is natural.

I've been learning that all of the things that I find to complain about are all a matter of perspective.

The pile of dirty dishes in the sink are proof that my family has food to eat. I am blessed. The endless pile of  laundry is proof that we have a full life and plenty of clothes to wear. I am blessed. The toilet I continually scrub is not a stinky outhouse. I am blessed. The empty fridge is an opportunity to be resourceful and grow in faith. I. Am. Blessed.

This week, my prayer is that God will cultivate an attitude of gratitude in my heart and that He will be glorified as I attempt to serve my family with joy.

Facing My Giants

I love the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. It just speaks to me, and every time I hear it, my breath catches and I feel like it was written just for me. Recently, when I participated in a 5k I played this song several times to give myself inspiration and the extra push to keep going.

My favorite verse, and one I didn't even really notice until recently is...

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

My laundry pile is never ending...literally. I've gotten to where I complete  5-6 loads of laundry a day and I still can't keep up.

Laundry may seem trivial, but it is one of my giants. Until today, I don't even remember the last time I separated my laundry. I just kind of threw it all in out of desperation. But mostly it was this big, looming, "giant" that I hated and feared at the same time.

It shouldn't be this hard. 

So this year is all about simplifying my life and facing my giants...the first of which is my laundry pile.

By Sunday evening I plan to have a sidewalk covered in garbage bags ready to be donated or thrown away...with the exception of a few of their clothes that were given as gifts that will be rotated and put away periodically.

Each person gets 8 outfits. Six everyday (three pairs of jeans, six t shirts), one business casual (polo/sweater, khakis, etc) and one super dressy ( fancy dress, slacks/shirt/tie)
6 pairs of everyday socks and two pairs of dress socks...
6 pairs of underwear, 2 undershirts and 6 pairs of socks.
One set of sheets for each bed, with one extra in each bed size, in case of emergency.
10 pillowcases10 bath towels,
two hand towels,
10 wash clothes,
4 kitchen towels

I will probably always have to do at least one load of towels a day, but only having to spend the entire day in the laundry room once or twice a week will be such a relief. Just having a plan of attack is a huge relief.

Please pray for me as I face this giant down! I can use all the Divine intervention I can get!


What giants are you facing? Let me know and I'll be your prayer warrior this week!

How I'm Doing It

I get a lot of questions from people about how I'm losing my weight and how I finally got the motivation I needed to start losing the 176lbs I had gradually gained over a 12 year period.

I honestly cringe when anyone asks me for workout/diet advice. Because, let's be honest, I'm not qualified to give it. I still have 74 lbs to lose and a lot of years to keep it off.

It really hit me today though. A year ago, I had given up. I had given up on myself. I wore my fat as armor...with a crest that said "I'm a horrible person who's done horrible things and let everyone, including myself, down and this is what I deserve"...it's a disclaimer so that nobody will mistake me for a valid human being.

I was hopeless. Literally. The best I could hope for was to raise my children to be different. And even that seemed far-fetched.

The only thing I can say, and at the risk of being branded a kook, is that God made the difference for me. I realized that the only way anything was going to change for me is through Him. I was desperate, I was at the end of my rope and I had to completely rely on God for anything positive in my life. So, in a nutshell, it was/is Divine intervention.

I'm not going to claim to know how God works...but I know He does...He is. And I am living proof of that.

My Own Deuteronomy.

I don't know about you, but for years I struggled in my reading of Dueteronomy. I did fine with the rest of Pentateuch but for some reason Dueteronomy killed me every time. It's just so repetitive. I mean, that's kind of the point of Dueteronomy. God told Joshua to repeat the law to the children of Israel one more time before they entered the Promised Land.

Over and over, God takes precautions to help the Israelites remember who they were, and where they'd come from, who they served.

Because God knows us. He knows that in our day to day lives, we'll forget. We'll forget that the reason we're here, the reason for all of this is, Him. Everything I have is because He gave it to me. I take credit for things that are not mine to take credit for.

The last few weeks in my weight loss journey (seriously, it's kind of annoying to hear that phrase...and yet...I just used it! Gag me!) have been a struggle for me. Right now I'm within 1.4 lbs of reaching one hundred pounds of weight loss. In the sum of a month, I've lost between 2 and 3 pounds. I'm used to losing that, or more, in a week.

I think it all amounts to a need to refocus. A need to remember. Remember that the point of all this isn't just weight loss. The point of all this is preparing my body to glorify God. Because obesity is a spiritual muscle relaxer. You don't have the confidence to step out into the water and other people don't have the confidence in you to ask you to. You wouldn't ask someone who'd just taken muscle relaxers to dig a ditch...people who take muscle relaxers sleep afterward.

So this week I'm taking the time to refocus. To remember where I've come from, who I am and who I serve.

Because all of this, all of the lessons I'm learning, mean nothing if not in the light of Jesus.

Changes

A few months ago, I sat in our van crying and hopeless. I was completely broken and disgusted with myself. Not only with how physically unhealthy I was, but emotionally as well. (That's me, on the far right...around this time)

Right then, I made a decision to join Weight Watchers. I had no idea when there was a meeting but I drove straight there and joined.

Since then, I've lost 87 pounds.

I can run...really run for the first time in I don't even know how long....and I have run, repeatedly.

I'm not saying that all of my problems are solved, but I do have hope. Not because I've somehow, miraculously, gained self control...I've tried a million times to lose weight...and I haven't...so I know it isn't me.  God has blessed me tremendously. There is not one ounce of credit that I can take for that 87 pounds...the glory is all His. I pray he continues to bless me.

Being lighter physically is not the only way I've been blessed. I'm finding it easier to step out of my comfort zone...partly because I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me. I'm learning that that really doesn't matter...it's what God thinks that matters.

I'm so excited to see where God takes me, what He does with my life.

It feels so good to let go, give up control and just let Him lead. Which is kind of an odd thing to say since I tend to be a control freak. A control freak that HATES being in control??? The mind reels.

Free Indeed...at last.

Here I am. Scars and all. And for the first time in my life I can sincerely say...I do what I do because I believe it's right, although I fall short on a pretty constant basis...my relationship with God is between me and Him...and others opinions of the state of my salvation doesn't affect it. God knows me, He knows my heart. He said that if I seek, I'll find. So here I am, trusting Him. Really believing Him.

I appreciate admonishment and provocation from anyone who will love me enough to give it...but my relationship with Jesus and my heavenly Father is not defined by what you think of me and I won't live in fear any longer. 

And it feels awesome.

 

Like Mother Like Daughter

So after a 7 year hiatus, and in an effort to NOT be confused with the local bag lady...I've been sprucing up my appearance...losing weight, actually combing my hair--instead of the perpetual, and very literal (not carefully crafted) messy bun--and...drum roll...wearing make up.

I love makeup, doing my hair and dressing nice but, for some weird and completely alien reason, I stopped doing all of those things...and the local bag lady became my fashion role model.


Well, Elisabeth decided she needs a change too...and the nearest black marker did just the trick!

Surprise! Surprise!

So on Monday and Tuesday I suffered horribly from a cold.  By Wednesday it had developed into an all out sinus infection.

But do I go to the doctor? Of course not! It's more fun to try out all the quirky ways of healing myself than to do something as easy as take a pill.

So I hit the 'net in search of natural remedies.

The one I kept coming across was 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in eight ounces of water.  Ugh. 

But I decided to give it a try. Mostly to prove it wrong and set all these quacks straight...

But I drank it. I admit it wasn't as bad as most liquid medicines I've had. And it made my tummy feel all warm and settled.

In less than five minutes, the imaginary SOS pad that had been scrubbing my sinuses magically disappeared, the faucet stopped running and I could hear and breath again. A miracle I tell you!

Natural Cure All

Apparently, BandAids even cure runny noses...and I don't bother to wash my children's faces before I take their picture!