Unbalanced Scales

In the last 3 years I have lost 148 pounds and regained 50 of them.

For two years I found it almost easy to only eat the things I should and only in the appropriate portions...with few exceptions.  I tracked my food, went to Weight Watcher meetings, weighed myself once a week and worked out on a regular basis.

For the first time in my life I was sure of my salvation and reveling in my intimate relationship with God.  And each week as I stepped on the scale I received affirmation that God was working in my life.

And then I got to my lowest weight.  And hovered there for around 9 months. But Weight Watchers and BMI standards said I still had 20 pounds to lose before I could be considered a normal weight.  I worked out for hours a day, stuck to my points and I STILL hovered at that number on the scale.

All of that time I had friends and family telling me how muscular I was and respond in shock when I informed them I needed to lose 20 more pounds.

The longer I hovered the more discouraged I got.  I would cry out to God and ask Him why He had left me.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I sin...and there are plenty of things that God could send me straight to hell for...but by His grace I am saved! But I couldn't understand what had changed.

You see, I had been letting that scale gauge my relationship with God. If it went down, everything was good, God loved me and He was pouring His grace into my life.  So when the scale stopped moving, I assumed that God had left me.

Yesterday He really opened my eyes to the fact that the scale had really become something way beyond a piece of feedback. It had become an idol of sorts. I let it define my world. Even my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

He hasn't left me.  He never left me.

How ridiculous of me.

So what does this all mean?  Are all the problems in my life solved? No. Does this mean the pounds are going to start melting off? Probably not.

What it does mean is that I am committing to staying off the scale for now.  It's about living by the Spirit.  Not the scale.  I do want to lose weight. But I mostly want to lose the weights that are holding me back while I am running the race that my Father has set before me.  Does that mean physical weight loss? Probably. Because it means fixing my eyes on Jesus and not food...which will lead to self control which will lead to reaping the benefits of self control.

I'm not sure if the best course of action is to continue with Weight Watchers or not.  I do know that even if I go to meetings that I will not be weighing in, at least for a while.  And the $42 it costs us a month is kind of a burden on my family, that's $42 I could add to my grocery budget!

At this point I don't want to make any sudden movements. I want to wait and see what God wants for me. Because ultimately, THAT'S what I want for me.

The Title that Wasn't

It's amazing how much things can change in a year. Or even a day.

For two years I managed to be full of self control. I lost 148 pounds. I gained a lot of self confidence, developed some good habits and felt better than I had in my entire life.

But the biggest thing that happened? I had a relationship with God that I had never had before. For the first time in my entire life, I was confident in my salvation. Not because of how good I was, but because Jesus is good and died to cleanse me of my not goodness.

A year later? I'm struggling. I've gained back a good fifty pounds, and I constantly catch myself eating my feelings and repeating the behaviors that got me to my highest weight.

I could give you a sob story about how my thyroid started acting up and I had to start back on medication and all that jazz. But the truth is...you know what? I don't know what the truth is. I know that for some reason I am struggling. I know that for some reason self control is a challenge for me again.

And as I've gained weight, that ghost girl that disappeared as my relationship with Christ grew, is somehow making a reappearance. And I can't even tell you what a scary thought that is for me.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for all the people who watched me and encouraged me as I lost the weight to see me. I am ashamed.

I admit, I'm not really clear on how things really work. I believe in the Holy Spirit but I don't feel confident in saying exactly how He works in my life. But I do know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control". I believe that, I do. So why do I feel powerless and lacking self control? I'm not questioning God, I'm searching myself because I'm the loose canon in this equation.

I hope this doesn't sound depressed. I'm not depressed. Just frustrated. And pretty embarrassed. And disappointed.

Advice? Prayer? Opinions? Prayer requests? I'm open! The only thing I'm not open to is Jenny Craig. Or Nutrisystem. Or...

You get my drift! :)

Progress, Not Perfection, RIGHT?

Five years ago, most of our food came from a box or a drive thru. Five years ago, cereal and frozen pizza were a staple in our house. Five years ago I couldn't understand why ANYONE would pay $2 for a pound of butter when I could buy a GINORMOUS tub of margarine for fifty cents.

While I am absolutely not going to claim that our food never comes from a drive thru or that my kids NEVER eat cereal...our lifestyle and eating habits are so different.

A few years ago I thought baking anything from scratch was just a waste of time. And I probably rolled my eyes at anyone who thought it was important.

Now, when my kids want something that comes from a box I kind of take it as a challenge to make it from scratch. I have found soooo much delight and contentment in this. 

Homemade hamburger buns and french fries...I didn't make the meat from scratch...sorry, that one just isn't in my repertoire.

Homemade and YUMMY! graham crackers...they are whole wheat and sweetened with maple syrup and honey.

Homemade Poptarts....so versatile...you could fill these with pizza fixings or any number of things.

Okay, so we've established that progress has been made (progress, NOT perfection, right?!).

Here's the thing, I have a hang up. I just haven't been able to get myself to make homemade beef stock. I make chicken stock all the time. I can find and purchase a whole chicken relatively easily. But beef stock requires me to first FIND, pick up and then carry an amputated calves foot around in my grocery cart.

I'm a wimp, I know.

But I am ready to try it. I am going to locate the place where one would purchase a calves foot, I am going to either put it in my basket or carry it to the check out, I am going to pay for it, and I am going to bring it home and put it in a pot and make beef stock.

That is what I am going to do.

Just thought you should know.

Wherein I Solve the Mystery of Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Until this afternoon, I had never ridden a scooter.

When I first stepped on I was shocked at how easy it wasn't. Well, I guess I should say it wasn't as easy as I had always assumed it was.

I got the hang of it pretty quickly though and before long I was flying down hills...announcing my joy to the world with shrieks of laughter.

It was all fun and games.

Until I realized that I didn't know where the brake was.

I desperately searched for the brake while still attempting to keep my balance, until the scooter went one way and I went the other.

For a split second, I was completely air born.

As I flew threw the air I caught a glimpse of a middle aged man passing by...staring...laughing. And he may or may not have been holding a camera.

And then I hit the ground, realized I wasn't hurt and Nathaniel revoked my scooter riding privileges.

And this, my friends, is why we can't have nice things.

The End.

Uriah demonstrating proper scooter riding technique.

Thirteen Essential Kitchen Tools for Starter Cooks

As a young person, in charge of my own kitchen, I was overwhelmed by all of the kitchen gadgets out there. It's kind of hard to know what is actually helpful and what just ends up taking up space.

There are a few things to take into consideration when registering or just deciding what you need in your kitchen:

1.  How much space do you have? Do you have a lot of storage space, or just a little?

2.  How much cooking experience do you have? If you've never cooked in your life, the basics will get you started and as you become more experienced you can collect more specialized items.

3.  What will be practical? If you're moving into a one bedroom apartment, it might be kind of silly to register for 12 place settings of china. Maybe one or two would be more practical (I think it would be fun to get two place settings at the beginning and add to it on each anniversary...you could even pick a new pattern each time!). Or maybe you have absolutely no use or desire for fine china!

Okay, so without further adieu, here are what I consider to be essential kitchen tools for beginner cooks...

1.   Mixing bowls.  I think this is pretty self explanatory. You use them to mix things up.

If you don't have a lot of storage space, serving bowls can double as mixing bowls. My mom had something very similar to this while I was growing up.

Except hers were 70s, pea green. We used them for everything! I made countless batches of chocolate chip cookies in them...and we served countless dishes to company in them. They work. If you work them. :)

2.  A hand mixer. So you can mix things up. Cause things need to be mixed up.

You can use it to whipped mashed potatoes or make yummy cookies or cakes.

3.  A skillet. There are debates on what types to use. Some say nonstick. Some say stainless steel, and still others say cast iron. Do your research and decide for yourself. We all have different priorities and information means different things to different people.

Whatever you decide, decide on quality. Don't go for cheap. They warp and don't cook evenly. Invest in your family and in your sanity and go for the good stuff.

4.  A saucepan. Again, do your research and decide what fits with your needs and lifestyle.

5.  A cookie sheet. To make lots of yummy cookies! Sheet pans also work well as cookie sheets, so it might be nice to have one of each. I personally don't care for stoneware for cookie baking. I prefer stoneware for pizza and casseroles.


6. A 9x13 baking dish. You can bake cakes and casseroles in them. There are tons of uses for them. Piece of advice...Pam is not for baking...when you put it in the oven it creates a sticky coat on your bake ware that can be extremely difficult to remove.

7.  A cheese grater. So you can grate cheese that doesn't have that gross cellulose stuff on it. Seriously, freshly grated cheese is yummier. A fine grater is used for hard cheeses like Parmesan. A course grater is typically used for softer cheeses like cheddar.

8.  Knives. Good ones. The ones that can cut your fingers off VERY easily. But here's the thing. Good knives are an investment. An investment that is worth making. If you need to gradually collect them, choose a multipurpose knife to start out with.

But if you choose to make this investment, take care of them. Read the instructions and properly care for them so that your investment will pay off. Good knives will last a lifetime (some of them are guaranteed to!).

9.  Measuring cups and spoons. So you can properly measure stuff.

10.  A colander. So you can drain liquid off of noodles, potatoes and grease off of meat.

11.  Wooden spoons. For stirring stuff. Cause you know, you're gonna need to stir stuff.

12.  Spatulas for baking. And spatulas for flipping things and scraping the bottom and sides of your skillets. For stirring stuff and scraping the sides of bowls and pans to incorporate ingredients properly!

13.   Cutting boards. So you don't scratch the surface of your table or counter top with your super duper sharp knives! The thing with these is that you probably should have more than one. It's not wise to cut up raw meat and veggies on the same cutting board. Cause who wants their veggies marinating in raw chicken juice, right?!

Okay, so I'm sure I've left things off. What do YOU think are essential kitchen items for a beginner cook? And specific products you recommend?

Beginner Cooking Know-How

I say "Beginner" because I'm barely even qualified to teach a beginner and most of these are obvious to seasoned cooks.

Okay, so to be honest I'm pretty sure my mom and Grandma tried to teach me all of these things. But for some reason I didn't listen and ended up having to learn the hard way.

1.  Read. the. entire. recipe. before you start. Okay, so a lot of recipes rely on the chemical reactions of the ingredients to produce the desired end result. Sometimes that means letting something sit overnight or doing things in a certain order. If you don't read the entire recipe you may find yourself in a bind and unable to complete the recipe or complete it incorrectly and getting a less than desirable result.

2.  Get out all of your ingredients before you start. Or at least make sure you have them all. I do like to get them all out in the beginning though. If the recipe contains different sections you can get your ingredients out in sections. But put them away as you use them. That way when you're done you won't have as big of a mess to clean up.

It can also be helpful to measure everything out before you start.

3.  If you have the opportunity to create a registry (whether for a housewarming or wedding or just because you want to)...first determine what tools you will most likely have use and room for and then do research about which ones will serve your family best. Sometimes the cheap Walmart version will serve the best, sometimes the high end kitchen store option will serve best. Be willing to invest in your role of "keeper of the home".  Having good tools will make life easier and make you more likely to enjoy being in the kitchen, or at least get you out of there faster!

4. If you have a dishwasher, unload it before you start cooking and load it as you go. That way when you're done you don't have a sink full of dishes. If you don't have a dishwasher, fill the sink with hot, soapy water and at least put the dirty dishes in it as you go.

5.  Margarine is NOT butter.

6.  Be a learner.  Don't be offended when your mom, grandma or mother-in-law takes over something you're doing...take it as an opportunity to watch and learn and hone your skill. Ask them questions and really listen when they answer. Then take that knowledge and apply in it in your own unique way. And who knows?! After you've gathered the wisdom and knowledge of a few women (or men), you may be able to combine the pros and cons of each method and blow them all away with your culinary prowess!

So there you go. I know I didn't cover everything that could be covered...I didn't want to overwhelm you all with my vast culinary knowledge (liar, liar pants on fire!). Juuuust kidding!

What do you consider to be essential cooking knowledge to a beginner?

He Called Me Anyway

As much of a miracle as it is that Michael and I have survived the events since our marriage, it's even MORE of  a miracle that we ended up together at all.

Cause see, I broke up with him 7 times.

Yes, you read that correctly. Seven. Times.

Every time he would brokenheartedly want to know why and sometimes it wouldn't even last until the end of the phone call. But yes, seven times. And I'm not sure that we even counted the 'break-ups' that only lasted ten minutes. So it could technically be more than that. But let's not split any hairs.

We never fought, it wasn't that we broke up in the heat of an argument...I honestly just wanted him to marry me and it seemed like he was NEVER going to...so I broke up with him.

The funny part of all of this is that he's since told me that every time he started saving for an engagement ring, I broke up with him so he'd go and spend whatever he'd saved.

Have I mentioned how flaky I can be? I'm working on it!

The thing, and my favorite part of this story, is that even after the tearful break ups...he always called me again. And every single time I was shocked that he still wanted to be my friend.

He didn't nag me or beg me to recant...he was just my friend. He made me feel safe and protected and, without fail, I always came crawling back.

Honestly, looking back I can't imagine why in the world he didn't run screaming from me and never talk to me again. But he didn't.

And guess what? He's still my safe place. He knows all of my dirty little secrets, he knows what a wretch I am and all the horrible things I've done and not only does he love me anyway, but he doesn't even bring them up when he's mad at me!

I think he's a keeper!

If I Knew I Couldn't Fail

A few sessions back my life coach asked me, "if you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do?" Of course, she was asking in a short term, what-would-I-do-in-the-next-week kind of way but it got me thinking in a more wild, willy nilly way about what I would do. So here's my list...I'll not pretend it's exhaustive but these are things I have a desire to do...some are fairly realistic and some are things I know will probably never happen. Without further adieu....

1.  Write a cookbook. The thought of spending hours and hours and hours creating, testing and compiling recipes in book form is enthralling to me.

2.  Cook Sunday dinner every Sunday and invite tons of random people without regard to their economic status or level of cleanliness.

3.  Run a marathon.

4.  Write a regular book. I have no idea what I would write about or anything...I think it would just be fun to write!

5.  Rent a beach house and invite some girlfriends to spend a weekend with me...pay for flights and all of that as well.

6.  Go to culinary school.

7.  Start a bluegrass band.

8.  Become a midwife.

9. Move to a developing country and help women have healthy and successful pregnancies and births.

10.  Get a career and work while Michael goes to school...so he wouldn't have to do both at the same time.

11.  Read a parenting book and live it out perfectly, without exception.

12.  Completely cut out processed foods and junk food from my kids diet.


Yeah I think that's enough for now.

If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do?

Betty Crocker's Ugly Step Sister

I admit it. If Betty Crocker were a real person and she had an ugly step sister, I'm pretty sure it would be me.

She'd be her lovely self creating beautiful culinary wonders in the kitchen...she'd never have flour on her face, dress or in her hair.

And then there'd be me, looking over her shoulder in a cloud of flour...hair a mess and streaked with flour...trying to learn her secrets...and failing miserably!

Last week I made my first successful batch of from-scratch biscuits. After two other attempts I finally got it right. They were light and fluffy and delicious. Of course, now I'll have to remember how I did it...which is just as likely as it was that I'd create something edible in the first place!

Of course, if I'd just followed a recipe in the first place I probably could have gotten it right the first time...but when I do that I feel like I've cheated and am a fraud for accepting compliments.

I love understanding the 'why' behind a recipe. I love going into the kitchen and understanding how different ingredients work and putting them together to create something yummy.

It's funny though, while I typically am disappointed when something doesn't work, it's almost as exciting as when it does work. Because then I get to figure out WHY it didn't work, and go into the kitchen better prepared to produce the desired result.

Don't get me wrong, I do use recipes. There aren't enough hours in the day or ingredients on the shelf to experiment 24/7. And when more than just my sweet, little, compassionate family is going to be eating it I get all self conscious and usually search out a recipe...unless I've made my own a bazillion times and my family has assured me that it is ready for public consumption!

I recently went on a trek to find a good vanilla cake recipe and so far, this is it! I also recently made this chocolate cake with the referenced frosting. While it was good, it wasn't the best chocolate cake I've ever had. But it was quick and easy and the frosting (which was just a simple buttercream) was yum!

Last week, I went in search of a cookie recipe that I already had the ingredients for. I didn't find any, so I went in the kitchen, got out the ingredients I was willing to use and set out to make a shortbread cookie. It didn't really turn out that way, they were more like sugar cookies, but I'm determined to get it right eventually! And I had a fabulous time tossing the ingredients in like a mad scientist!

What do you LOVE doing? Are you good at it? What do you love about it?

Setbacks

Last week when I walked into my Weight Watcher's meeting, I knew it was going to be bad. I had forgotten to take my thyroid meds for several days in a row. So not only was my metabolism messed up, I was an emotional wreck.

After several setbacks, an unhealthy and heaping dose of beating myself up for my lack of self control, I gave up.

I stopped trying.

I didn't track or even try to control myself. I even decided to put off going to a meeting. I made myself a completely unreasonable diet and exercise plan and decided to go to a meeting later in the week.

I went to bed on Monday night planning to NOT go to my meeting.

Well, I guess at some point in the night my subconscious convinced my conscious of how ridiculous all of this was. I startled awake on Tuesday morning, jumped up out of bed, got dressed and went to my meeting.

I'd love to be able to tell you that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it was. It was every bit as bad as I was afraid it might be. I gained. 7 pounds.

Oh, it hurt. It hurt bad. I cried the ugly cry and had to leave immediately because I couldn't see or talk. (By leave, I mean I stumbled out to my car, but didn't drive anywhere until I was calm enough to see again.)

But I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Because guess what?! Success doesn't mean never failing. It means getting back up after we do. Because we're human. We are going to fail. Repeatedly.


Perfect just isn't in our repertoire. But growth is.

To grow we have to learn. And sometimes to learn, we have to fail.

"A setback is the perfect setup for a comeback"

Are you behind on your Bible reading plan?

Did you give up on healthy eating or exercising months ago?

Tempted to give up on a goal because it seems like you're not getting anywhere?

Don't give up! Whatever setback you're facing could be a stepping stone to success!

Face it, own it, learn what you can and start fresh!

What I'm Learning About Listening

Part of being a good friend, or a safe person, is being a good listener. So as part of my desire to be a good friend and a compassionate person, I am working on being a good listener.

Listening is so much more involved than just standing in someone's vicinity while they speak. It starts way before the conversation. It starts in my heart.

Because listening, really listening requires selflessness. It requires me setting myself and my own thoughts aside and really hearing what the speaker is trying to say without my own judgements and suppositions. It is impossible to really listen and hear what someone is saying if I am inserting my own assumptions and judgements into what they are saying. Instead of hearing what they're saying I'm hearing what I think they are saying. And that's not really hearing them at all.

So here's what I'm learning about listening...

1.) Really listen. Look the speaker in the eye. It really is important. It lets them know that my focus is on them. And it reminds me where my focus should be.

2.) Really listen. Don't think about other things.

3.) Really listen. Care about the speaker more than myself. Care more about them than my own opinions and what I think about what they're saying. Reserve all judgments and analyzations for later. Listen to understand what they're saying, not to judge it.

4.) Really listen. Listen to what they're saying instead of forming my own response. I can't form an appropriate and wise response before I've really listened to what they're saying.

5.) Really listen. Respond to the mood of what they're saying with your body language. If what they're saying is happy and exciting, show a happy and exciting response with your body. If what they're saying is painful and sad, respond in that way. Basically, rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (huh! Where have I heard that before??)

:) Did you notice a pattern? It really all just comes down to really listening. Not pretending to listen. Not making a grocery list or thinking of all the reasons the speaker is a kook and trying to form my exhortation about why what they're saying is wrong. What they're saying may be wrong...and it may need to be corrected but interrupting them to do it sends the message that I think that what they are saying is so stupid that I can't bear to listen to it a second longer, and that what I have to say is more important than what they are saying. And guess what?! Nobody deserves to be made to feel that way! I certainly say a lot of stupid things that God shouldn't have to listen to, but He does anyway.  And that amazing grace should spill out of my life and onto every person I come into contact with. Even the ones who say things I don't like.

God is good, and with Him all things are possible! Praise God for His mercy and grace!

Have you ever been misunderstood or interrupted? How did it make you feel? Have you ever misunderstood someone because you didn't listen well? Have you ever been so anxious to interject your own idea that you interrupted someone who was talking? How did they respond and how do you think they might have felt?

Proverbs 1:5
Proverbs 12:18
James 1:19
Romans 12:15

God made you wonderful! So go live out your potential!

"Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it!"

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