No Pain, No Gain

I have a tendency to focus on pain.  When I'm running it's hard to think about anything other than how much it hurts. In labor there came a point when the pain had crossed a threshold and it hurt so bad that I would have done ANYTHING to make it stop. Lately, life has hurt...and I've had trouble seeing or feeling anything else.

When we moved, I am convinced that I was on the verge of some kind of nervous breakdown. Like, for real. We were convinced for this and other reasons that it was clearly time to move on. When we got here I got the rest I needed and things got better. But I have to be honest, a lot of the plans that we had made didn't work out or a wrench was thrown in. To the point that we had started to question ourselves about whether moving was the right choice. And since then we've been forced to face a lot of our demons.

God has been so merciful in helping us deal with those "demons". He has graciously done so much work in us. It's kind of mind boggling that He's already done so much and He's still working!

I personally had felt like I (and we/our marriage) had hit a wall and we just didn't have the tools to scale it, knock it down, go around it or build a door to go through.

Well, God has (once again) graciously provided the help we need.

BUt even through all the positive help I (and we) have been receiving, it still hurts.  Because growth does. And when things hurt, I tend to look for a way out and if I can't get out, I check out mentally. So I've been resorting to all of my self destructive tendencies to cope.

Well the other day a faithful friend recounted to me all of the POSITIVE THINGS that have happened since we've moved here...which helped to kind of turn the tide of my thoughts.

And then today while driving Allistair Begg came on the radio talking about how we should take pleasure in the trials of life instead of running from them (huh, what a NOVEL idea! Except we just got done studying that part of James in our grow group...I'm a slow learner apparently!). It was a really good sermon. But it just made me realize that YES, THIS HURTS. But I need to suck it up and be thankful and rejoice in the growth it's going to produce. Instead of focusing on the pain, I should be focusing on God's goodness and faithfulness and letting his grace overflow into the lives of those around me. Because I'm always asking God to change me and make me who He wants me to be, so why am I dragging my feet and pouting and checking out to avoid the process? It's kind of ridiculous.

When I'm running and I focus on the good it's doing instead of how bad it hurts, I run faster and longer. In labor, when I stopped focusing on how bad it hurt and wishing it would just stop and looking for ways to MAKE it stop and just focused on getting through it and yielding to the process...labor progressed faster and my body worked more efficiently.

So, I'm going to practice focusing on being thankful for the process and for the growth it will produce....and yielding to the process so I can get the maximum effect. Because I need this. And God is good.

Helpers

One of my favorite quotes comes from Mr. Rogers. It's about finding hope in the midst of tragedy. 

Photo Credit

I always hear this quoted when major tragedies happen, but the thing is, helpers appear all the time. Not just after major disasters.  The people who will be helping after major disasters are most likely helping before them. 

"Helpers" are people who bring dinner when you're sick, stop and help you change a tire or pay for your drink at Starbucks. "Helpers" are people who open the door when you've got your hands full (or just to be nice when you don't), let you in when you can't find a gap in traffic, or flush the toilet in the stall that everyone is avoiding because the person who used it didn't. "Helpers" are people who are constantly looking for ways to make the world a better place. We can't all discover the vaccine for polio or save thousands of Jews from Hitler's clutches. But we can all do something.

Helpers have a discerning eye, but they aren't critical. You don't see helpers standing on the sidelines telling everyone what they are doing wrong. Helpers actively work to find a solution. They DO something. There is obviously a place for pointing out errors but that can't be the extent of our "help".

I'm so thankful for the helpers in my life.  This week my kids are attending a little backyard VBS. It's super small but I am so thankful for the people who are taking time out of their lives to teach my children about Jesus and helping them to hide God's word in their hearts.  As a mom, I need all of the help I can get and I appreciate every bit of it! 

So my question is...are you a "helper"? :)

Gettin' Real

It's no secret that I was pregnant when I got married (I do want to be clear, getting pregnant was not the sin, the actions that led to it are).  I'm pretty open about it.  Not because I'm proud, I am absolutely NOT proud of it.  But it's my past.  It's my story. It's my mess. It's part of the story of how God has redeemed my life from the pit.

I am saved. My sins are gone, I've been set free.

I'm still learning to live in a constant state of free-ness...I have a tendency to fall under my own condemnation. It's a work in progress! I am a work in progress.

Here's the deal though, I want to speak to those who might find themselves in a cycle of sin similar to the one I found (actually, I didn't FIND anything, I PUT myself there...let's just be honest about it) myself in. I know that the chances of this helping anyone are slim. I'm not eloquent and typically only the people who really love me even read what I write. But I want to say it because I feel lead to. So, at the very least, maybe it'll help ME to write it.

I married the only boy I ever had an intimate relationship with.  But that didn't make it okay.  I have repented of the sin I had allowed to take hold of my life.  But that didn't take away the consequences of my actions.  A large portion of our dating life, our engagement, our wedding day and even a few years of our marriage were tainted by that sin. Our life is still feeling the repercussions of that sin. All of the tenderness and sweetness that should accompany some of the major milestone moments of my life were tainted.

I can barely look at my wedding pictures.  A lot of people worked really hard to make my day special in spite of the glaringly obvious sin I had committed and the damage that I'd done to my relationship with them all. My major memory of my honeymoon is nausea from the scent of the air freshener in the car.

It took years before the full weight of what I had done hit me.  It took years for me to REALLY repent because I was so hardened by the sin I had committed. But the thing is, it wasn't something I just did one day. It was a long process of compromises and going too far.  Slowly I broke every promise I ever made to myself and opposed everything I thought I believed in.  I was unwilling to wait to receive God's blessings, so I took matters into my own hands, did it my way and I could not possibly regret it more.

If you are doing this same thing, I totally know where you are. Believe me, I get it. But please stop. Stop RIGHT now.  Tell someone.  Ask for help.  It will be hard, but it will be worth the effort. I promise. Even if you are planning to marry the person you have an inappropriate relationship with, you will regret it and all of the special moments that you should cherish, will be tainted by the memory of your actions.  God has an amazing plan for your life, do it HIS way.

The thing is, I don't want to be negative or make you think my life is awful.  Because it's absolutely not.  I've written a lot of other posts about how good God has been to me and how He has plucked me from the clutches of sin and the amazing effect it's had on my marriage. It's all because of Jesus. I am forgiven. I have been set free.  I am covered by Jesus' blood. And no matter where you are, you can be too.  Even if you did everything wrong like I did.  There's nothing the blood of Jesus won't cover.

My sin, o the bliss of the glorious tho't,
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

The Buddy System

The first time I heard about the buddy system was during a TV special about the Duggars...before they had their own show, back when they only had 13 or 14 kids.  It is the one and only show of theirs I've ever watched. I have nothing against them, I'm just not into reality TV.

Their buddy system is a lot more involved than ours.  We don't expect our kids to bathe or dress one another (but then we only have five kids...if I had 13 or 14 I'm sure I'd change my tune).

Basically, we implemented this system because there are only two of us and there are five of them and we can't be everywhere all the time.  So when we go out into public, our kids know that if they have to use the restroom, or be separated from us for any reason, they take a 'buddy' (ie, another wild indian). I love it because it gives them a lot more freedom but also keeps them safe.

The number one rule of the buddy system is...use it. Duh. The number two rule of the buddy system is...you never leave your buddy behind. YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.

It's not always fun and it's not always easy.  Sometimes one kid wants to run faster than the other one...so either the kid going fast has to slow down or the kid going slow has to run faster...or a little of both. But one of those things HAS to happen. Because YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.

Sometimes it means going places you don't want to or are afraid to go. But you go anyway because YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.  Sometimes it means NOT going somewhere you want to go because your buddy has something else in mind and YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.

Sometimes it means watching while your buddy does something that they might get into trouble for but insist on doing. It doesn't mean you participate or approve...but you stick around in case they need help.

The only time it's okay to leave your buddy is if they are hurt or in trouble and it is beyond your ability to help them (which would include destructive behavior that they refuse to stop).  This scenario is one of our biggest reasons for implementing the buddy system in the first place. Someone knows where you are, knows what you're going through, can advise/warn you when needed and find and direct help your way.

It's a good system. It's not an easy system. It doesn't work if the buddies both demand their own way all the time.  It's a miserable system in that case. I ask my kids this question a lot "is getting your way worth being miserable over?" or "do you want to get your way or do you want to have fun?" Because it IS a choice. And most of the time they decide they'd rather come to some sort of compromise or give up their way all together rather than keep arguing.

The buddy system is a thing of beauty when both buddies work hard to make it work. There is so much fun to be had!

Being an adult isn't much different than being a kid and being married is a lot like the buddy system. It's not always fun and it's not always easy. Sometimes you have to slow down or run faster or go places you'd rather not but YOU STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY.  It requires a lot of dying to self and looking out for the interests of the other one and sometimes deciding that getting our way isn't worth being miserable. But when we treat it properly...it gives us freedom and safety and fun...and it's a beautiful thing.

Philippians 2:3,4
1 John 3:18

On Having a Perfect Marriage

It all started when I was an adolescent.

I started reading books about how to find the perfect husband and have the perfect marriage. Because I wanted both. I also wanted to be the perfect wife whose husband would adore me 24/7.

Since I've been married, I've read MORE books about how to have the perfect marriage. Because I didn't have one.

I read these books and implement what they say expecting that if I do I will have the perfect marriage I've always dreamed of. And then I mess up. Or he messes up. And just like that my hopes of having a perfect marriage are dashed again and I move on to the next book.

Even though in my head I've always known it would NEVER be perfect, because we're not, I go around feeling like a complete loser because we're not. I compare the dirt under the foundation of our house to everyone else's hardwood floors that they've prepped for me to see.

Books are great. Everyone should read books. Blogs are great. Everyone should read blogs. Seminars are great. Everyone should go to seminars. But we also have to remember that even if we read all the books and blogs and go to all of the seminars...we cannot perfectly implement all of the good information all of the time. The people who write the books and blogs and host the seminars don't have perfect marriages or lives.

And guess what?! It doesn't mean we've failed. It means we're human. It means we need Jesus.

It doesn't matter how much you have in common with someone, they are eventually going to get on your nerves.  And you might find out things about each other that neither one of you ever wanted any other human being to know about you. And if you truly invest in the level of intimacy that God intended for marriages to have...there will probably be conflict.

I've never been able to implement all the stuff in all the books I've read. But each book has spurred me on to love and good works. And some area of my marriage has improved because of it. And the thing is, small changes over time make a big difference.

I don't have a perfect marriage. But I do have a redeemed one. And the really awesome thing is...the only explanation for the difference is Jesus. Left to our own devices our marriage would be...well...what it was for a long time and worse. He has made all the difference.

I got this photo here.

Making Cannolis

My children have apparently inherited my husbands affinity for trying new foods, because my son asked me to make cannolis for his birthday.  None of us has ever had them before...so I didn't even know what to look for in a recipe. I just found one with a lot of reviews that were mostly good and went for it.

I don't cook with wine a lot because we're not big drinkers and I don't keep wine around the house.  But all the recipes I found called for dry white wine. I didn't even know what a dry white wine is. Google is my friend. I was actually pretty skeptical about the need for wine in the shell. The dough didn't smell particularly good and I even considered skipping the wine and using a more desirable ingredient. But I ended up sticking to the recipe in the end.

Get this though, the girl at the checkout counter didn't card me. I mean, she didn't even bat an eye, she just rang me up. My life flashed before my eyes. Really?! I'm old enough to not be carded? I totally felt like those women in sitcoms who flip out and demand to show their ID anyway. I didn't. But I felt like it.

So anyway, I dug into the cannoli making process.

So technically you're supposed to use forms during the frying process to create the cannoli shape but I didn't want to buy them until I knew whether or not cannolis would be a repeat item in our food repretoire. So I "made do". Just in case you ever wondered, the handles of whisks are not cannoli forms, although they look like they are and perform decently (except when water got lodged inside the handle and I didn't realize it and created some fireworks when I put it in the hot oil!) in the absence of real cannoli forms.

The actual process of forming and frying the cannolis was an awkward and not very successful endeavor at first. But with every cannoli I was able to identify a problem and solve it with the next one and within a few rounds, I was able to make perfectly formed and perfectly crisp cannolis shells.

It kind of struck me how similar life is to my cannoli experience.  We don't come into this life with the ability to make perfect decisions every time. We try, we mess up and we try again with a better idea of how to get it right. If I had decided that making cannolis was too hard after the first one, or if I had not actively learned from every mistake and worked to correct it, our cannoli experience would have been a lot less pleasant.

I get so tired of making mistakes and not getting things right. It's not always about a lack of knowledge, sometimes it's just a lack of implementing that knowledge. I've heard people say things like "if you want to know how to eat healthy or exercise effectively, ask an overweight person" and sadly, that is very much the case in a lot of circumstances...at least in my life.

The thing is though, sometimes I'm too dense to learn whatever it is that God is trying to teach me. So much of what I always assumed about God and my relationship with Him is either totally false or completely misunderstood.

I always thought that as I got older that I would FEEL wiser, but to be honest, while I can SEE growth in my life, I feel more ignorant and flawed than ever. And as silly as it sounds, I feel like God has totally broken down my old preconceptions about Him and is teaching me what's real. And so much of the time I read the "recipe" and decide that the ingredients or process called for isn't really necessary so I skip it or substitute and then completely miss out on the delicious result to be disappointed by my own creation. I'm trying so hard that I miss out on what God has for me. Instead of being still and seeing His glory, I try to create it on my own.

Doesn't work.

God's plan is beautiful and perfect. His thoughts and ways are infinitely above my own, so even when it doesn't make sense or doesn't feel like I think it should, I have to learn to be still. To trust Him and rely on His goodness instead of trying to help Him out.

Cannoli verdict? The shells were amazing. I'll definitely make them again (and I'm so glad I went with the wine!). The cream filling? Eh. We'll have to tweak that a bit.

Being the Prodigal Daughter

If you read my Love at First Sight? or Letting Go of Perfection: Work in Progress post or if you know me at all, you know that our dating life was marked by sin. And our marriage has been far from perfect.

At the time, I didn't even know how much that sin affected me.  In fact, it's taken me years to realize just how much it did.

It went on for months and the fact that I was able to do something that went against everything I had been taught and personally believed for that long a time...well, the Bible talks about what happens when you do that. But the thing is, it actually went on for longer than that. It was a gradual thing, little by little I violated my conscience more and more until ultimately, I didn't even care that I violated it in the ultimate sense.

We had a wedding. We had a honeymoon. We went through the motions. But now, it's really hard to even think back on any of that because it's so marked by sin. And those old feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming if I dwell on it.

It's hard to pinpoint the moment that God began to redeem our lives. I'm not even sure there is a pinpoint. What I do know is that He did and He is. It's more of a process than a defining moment. I feel like the process (for me, Michael's story is his own to tell) really began about 5 years into our marriage when I started a series of "Give ups".  I realized that satan's life plan for me wasn't working and I was tired of trying to make it work. So I gave up. And a few years later...under different circumstances I "gave up" again. Not the same "give up"...a different, more defining one...and since then I've had another or two.

Like an artist sculpting a statue out of a large piece of rock...God has been chainsawing away at the large unwanted pieces of rock. And with each piece gone He's getting closer to the image in His head.

I know that at different points in all of this our families were wondering where this...our marriage...was going. I know they must have been afraid and frustrated and angry and embarrassed. And I'm sorry for that. I wish that others didn't have to suffer for our sin.

But I'm so glad that we didn't give up. I'm so glad that God didn't give up. I'm so glad that we stuck around long enough to enjoy the fruit of not giving up. To see the good in not giving up. Because while I would NEVER want to leave anyone with the impression that we are (or think we are) perfect or without flaws or struggles on a daily basis...we're not, we don't and we do...things are good. Even in the moments of struggle we can see God's grace in our lives. In honest and raw conversations that end in calmness and prayer instead of physical violence. In trust in God to see us through instead of blame and isolation. In compassion and forgiveness instead of condemnation and pride at the discovery of sin. In the reduction in the amount of time required to bounce back from a disagreement. He's here.

Those years were hard. I wouldn't recommend them to anyone. But they've made me thankful. I feel like I have some sense of how the Prodigal Son must have felt when he came home. Humbled, surprised and overwhelmingly thankful for God's grace!

How GREAT is our God?!

Letting Go of Perfection: Work in Progress

Love is nothing like what I thought it was.  It's not Holly Golightly and Paul Varjak kissing in the rain.  It's not happily ever after.  It's not fireplaces and slippers and pipes and endless ecstasy.

It's work.

It's hard, gut wrenching work.

Being human is not what I thought it was either (which is probably the reason love isn't what I thought it was).

Before struggling with my own sin and witnessing Michael's struggle, I had never witnessed anyone truly struggle with sin.  Well, I say that, but it's not entirely true.  I did see people struggle with sin but I got the impression that they were somehow "less than"...I always got the impression that anyone who struggled with sin wanted to sin.  None of the "good" people that I knew struggled with sin, or at least I didn't know about it.  I was very judgmental.

In my mind, there was a list of behaviors that were sins and if I could avoid things like dancing or drinking alcohol or dressing immodestly...and make it to church every Sunday...that my life was basically free from sin and I would be "saved".

So when I became old enough to know I was a sinner, for a while I felt like I was okay because I checked off the items on the checklist...but eventually things started going wrong.

I couldn't really understand why I struggled so much on a daily basis...it seemed like everyone else had it all together but I struggle so badly...every day. I just kept thinking that if I could just "get it together" that things would be fine. And as I watched Michael struggle, I was just as judgmental of him as I was of everyone else...and myself.

I kept holding myself and my marriage up to the seemingly perfect models that I saw at church and on TV.

I held onto my images of perfection for a long time. I probably would have told you that I let go...but I hadn't.  It seems like God has been working really hard on me for the past couple of years. I spent the last  year or two literally going through the grieving process as I came to terms with reality.

Because I WANTED to be the perfect Christian girl that everyone looks up to and tries to be like. I WANTED to have a marriage that is admired and sought after my all. I wanted what I thought almost all of the christians I knew had.

But I finally let go. It's for real. I'm not perfect, and I'm never going to be. I struggle with gluttony and self discipline on a continual basis. Michael is not perfect and he's never going to be. My marriage is not perfect and it's never going to be.

But you know what? I'm growing. And even in it's brokenness, marriage is good! God has developed a level of compassion that I never knew was possible.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave the wrong impression...as i said before, I'm not perfect...do I still judge sometimes? Yes. But compassion is becoming more and more of a trend in my life. Instead of seeing the sin, I see the struggle. Because I KNOW what the struggle looks like. I know what it feels like. And my heart hurts for anyone in the midst of it.

God's grace truly is amazing! It continually cleanses us from all unrighteousness. And I need that, continually.

It's like I'm a big, ugly, hard, dirty and formless piece of rock. I know I'm hideous and need to change, but all I can manage is to roll around in the dirt on my own. But slowly God chisels this ugly piece of rock. And every once in a while I see what He's done and I am overwhelmed with His goodness and awesomeness. God is working and His grace covers me! And His grace is truly amazing and sufficient!

Uriah Gets an Award

Recently our son Uriah was selected by his teacher to receive the "Sense of Community" award for his class. His teacher called to notify me and so the "home" kids and I made sure to make the trek over to his school to witness him receiving it.

When we got there I noticed that most of the other parents had brought their kids balloons.  At first I felt kind of bad, but it really made me think about a change of attitude I've had in the last few years.  I'm not judging the parents who brought balloons...they have their own motives and reasons for doing what they do and I don't think any less of them.

Yes, I'm proud of Uriah.  And yes we support our kids but awards like this aren't a HUGE big deal to us and here's why....

1.  I want my kids to understand that they don't have to do anything to earn my love.  I love them no matter what they do.  If they went to prison, I'd be disappointed but I wouldn't love them any less.  If they received a Nobel Peace prize, I'd be excited for them but I wouldn't love them any more than I already do.  My love for them is not based on their performance.  It's based on our relationship, it's based on who they are.

2.  Awards like this don't necessarily mean anything.  Teachers are not infallible.  They are not omnipotent.  I've witnessed kids who made my kids lives miserable (by incessant bullying and cruelty) receive this award.  And I've witnessed the efforts of kids who continually work hard go completely unnoticed and un rewarded. So depending on the level of observation by the teacher, the kid who gets the award may just be the kid who managed to make themselves look good in front of the teacher, regardless of how they behave when he/she is not looking.

3.  I want my kids to understand that we do the right thing simply because it IS the right thing...no matter who can see or if anyone else will even notice or what the reward will be. If their teacher notices, great! But if not, the peace of a clear conscience and the glory they bring to God is reward in itself.

4.  I want to, as best as I can...I am only human...give my kids a picture of how God loves them.  I want them to understand that salvation is completely unmerited...that God forgives us and loves us in spite of our sin.  And that we do good works to bring Him glory...not to earn his favor.  I don't want them to spend their life trying to earn it. I want them to bask in God's love and instead of being depressed and feeling hopeless...I want them to feel elated that their God is so awesome that He could forgive a poor wretched sinner like them. (to be clear...I do not believe that they are sinners right now...I believe that eventually they will be)

So, as of now, the only celebrating we have done or will do is taking his picture with his award. I don't think the occasion requires balloons or a special dinner.  We'll have completely unmerited balloons and a special dinner to celebrate our love for our kids on another, completely random occasion.

I Don't Eat Breakfast

I don't eat breakfast.  Gasp! I don't and I don't feel guilty about it.  I used to and I would force myself, or I would start the day feeling like a failure. But I finally came to the realization that sometimes I have to just do my best and feel okay about that.  So I don't eat breakfast.  In fact, I don't typically eat anything until after noon. Maybe eventually that will change, but for now, I'm focusing on eating good foods in good amounts at the times I DO eat and feeling okay with that.

For a long time I worked out at night.  I know what "the experts" say. But at night after my kids were in bed was the time I felt most motivated.  So instead of pressuring myself to get up earlier and workout first thing, I worked out at night and it worked really well for me. Recently I've started working out first thing in the morning.  Not because the experts tell me to, but because at this point in my life, I am motivated to do that. 

The thing is, there are so many voices telling us what we should be doing.  Or telling us how we should do it.  A lot of these voices will tell you that if you don't do things a certain way that you might as well not do them at all.  But I think that way of thinking does more harm than good. Yes, it's probably best to workout for at least 20 minutes, but you know what?! Any amount of time that you spend NOT sitting on your backside is good and beneficial. If you can't spend 20 minutes...spend five and feel good about that.  If you feel good about that, you'll eventually feel motivated to do more.  If you feel guilty because you only spent 5 minutes instead of 20 you are likely to quit. 

This theory applies to Bible reading too! We all start the year off determined to read it through in a certain period of time and that is AWESOME. It's a great goal.  But sometimes we get behind.  And then it gets overwhelming trying to catch up.  If you can't read 15 chapters every day, read one.  Do what you can do RIGHT NOW.  And learn to be okay with that.  

We all have goals. We all have a place we want to be.  But we can't all wake up with a never ending supply self discipline after a lifetime of severely lacking.  This life is about growth.  Not perfection.  

People who run marathons don't just wake up one day and say 'hey! I'm going to run a marathon today'.  They spend months and months training for it.  They prepare.  They start off running (or walking) one mile and they slowly build up to more until they build the endurance to run 26.  Can you imagine seeing someone training for a marathon and walking up to them and saying "you only ran 10 miles, you're such a loser!" NO. Nobody would do that.  Because we all understand that it takes time and training.  So why do we do that to ourselves when it comes to things like eating healthy, working out or reading our Bibles? 

It's a process. It's training for our ultimate goal. It's about growth. 

So I Have a Confession to Make...

I started blogging because I felt "led" to.  I started with the understanding that my writing is mediocre at best but it seemed that God was laying things on my heart and they had to go somewhere.  Maybe it was just that I needed to process God's work in my life and blogging presented itself as a means to that end.

But I have a serious problem with comparison.  I see how well someone else writes or how many followers they have and mine is so small in comparison that I start asking myself questions like "why are you even doing that?! I mean, really, WHO DO YOU THINK you are?"

I guess the problem is that I seek approval from people instead of God.  I actually kind of correlate the two. If others don't approve then God must not either...right?! No. Not right at all. The Bible is full of examples of people who did exactly what God wanted them to do but who were not accepted or even wanted by society. Okay, so am I comparing myself to people like Elijah? No. Absolutely not.  I'm just using those stories as support for my belief that I don't need the approval of others to have the approval of God.

Yes, I hope this blog encourages SOMEONE.  Yes, I want God to do something amazing through me.  But even if I'm the only someone it encourages.  And even if the only amazing thing that happens here is like a grain of sand on a huge seashore that nobody even notices...it's STILL amazing because that's a million times more than I could ever hope to accomplish on my own.

When God gives me something to write, I'm going to write.  For HIS glory.  Not for my own. And not so that anyone else will approve.

I'm going to say yes to God, even if He's the only one that hears it. :)