Dark Night of the Soul

It felt different from depression. 

I've struggled with depression, I know what it feels like. 

This "not depression" started in the summer of 2018. I felt burned out, and distant from God. 

All of the ways I typically connected with God left me feeling alone, and purposeless. I searched my soul for sin. I reached out to others. I tried to share what I was going through, but each contact point left me feeling unheard and misunderstood. 

My recovery journey had taught me the value of community and growing alongside other people - people who are further along, some who are in a similar place and others who aren't as far along on the journey as I am. 

But none of these people who had walked with me through previous parts of my journey were able to show up for me in this one. They didn't understand, and no amount of explaining could change that. I got tired of trying. 

I had previously experienced a rich and fruitful prayer life, and I felt held in God's bosom. 

During this period of "not depression" I continued my spiritual disciplines, even though it felt empty. I sifted through my life trying to discern whether I was caught in a sin. 

I processed each thought, practice, relationship, and decision looking for meaning and what I was supposed to learn. 

In all this processing and sifting I deconstructed my faith. I questioned everything I had ever believed and every person I believed in. My spirit was adorned by sackcloth and ashes. 

I'm not sure where I heard the phrase first, but it immediately clicked: Dark Night of the Soul. 

Bill Gaultiere (I don't know anything about his man) in the linked article calls this "desolation" and says: 

"Desolation refers to a certain kind of trial in which God feels absent.  We seek God through church services and spiritual practices but we don’t experience his blessings.  We pray and it seems that God doesn’t answer.  Our spiritual life becomes dry as dust.  We’re bored listening to sermons.  We’re not motivated to read the Bible or pray.

Desolation is different from depression. . . desolation is focused on our relationship with God and our spiritual life, though it is affecting our emotions, personality, and relationships.  And desolations cause is spiritual also.  It may be that God has intentionally withdrawn His felt presence in order to strengthen our character and teach us to rely on the reality of his person and presence and not only on our feeling sense of his blessings."

This lasted for me until just a few months ago. In some ways I'm still coming out of it. 

I learned a lot, and I am sure I will gain new insights as I continue. I'm going to share some of the things I learned in the coming days and weeks. 

For Part 2 in my Deconstruction/Dark Night of the Soul series click here.