Vacation

Our family is taking our first real vacation. We are super excited!!!

I am taking a complete vacation from my blog and all social media starting today through next Saturday, September 26. I am not going to fulfill my 2 publishes for next week. I will continue to write but I'm going to focus on my family and taking a soul retreat.

I hope you all have an amazing week!!

Comfort as an Obstacle

I've always considered myself to be blessed to be born in the United States. I've sat and pondered why I would be allowed to live here when so many others aren't.

I've also always considered myself blessed to be born in the time I was born. Thinking about some of the things that women have had to endure over the centuries...and some still do...is horrifying. But I live in a place and time when women are relatively free. I can wear whatever I want whether it's a burka or a bikini. I can divorce my husband if I want to for any reason I see fit to. I can drive through the drive thru for dinner. I can choose a career. I can be whatever I want to be...including a man. 

Women have never been free-er. 

But I'm starting to wonder if all of this freedom and the state of American society is really the blessing I've always considered it to be. 

I think that because my life has been pretty comfortable, it's easy to be lukewarm and/or spiritually lethargic. It's easy to blur the lines between godly and worldly. It's easy to mistake the American Dream for following Jesus. It's easy to see corporate worship as a routine drudgery when the only obstacle to me being there is the voice in my head telling me I could just sleep in. 

It's easy to forget that all good things come from God when I'm working my behind off for a house and a pool. It's easy to forget that there are people in the world who can't even fathom a pool, they don't even know where their next meal is going to come from.  And it's easy to forget that life isn't about climbing the corporate ladder or the house I live in or the car I drive...or even that pool. 

The thing is, just like everything else in the world, this is not a new-to-us problem. The Israelites had a similar problem. 

Just as they were about to go into the Promised Land, God warned the Israelites to remember where He had brought them from and what He had done for them. He knew that once they got into the Promised Land that they would be so comfortable that they would be tempted to forget and turn to other gods. So He warned them to remember and to tell their children.

That's the thing, I have to constantly be reminded. All of this, my very existence is from God. Everything I have is from God. And most importantly, my salvation is from God. He plucked me out of the clutches of Satan and Hell and hid me in Christ.

In all of my comfort and all of my freedom, I cannot forget. The American Dream and any other aspect of this world isn't the context of my life. My job, my house and my family are all enveloped in the context of Christ. Jesus is the context. He is the source from which everything else flows. 

This life has it's challenges, just like any other. Because some things are easier, others are difficult and sometimes hard to spot. Comfort can become an addiction and an obstacle to living out and even recognizing Jesus Kingdom. When I value my comfort over my or someone else's soul...it's a problem.

Yes, I still feel blessed. I appreciate my life and the freedoms it affords me. But I also recognize my own propensity to take things for granted, to forget and to lose my way. God has been good to me and I'm thankful for the reminder!

Thinking About My Thinking

The deadline for fall submissions to (in)courage closed this morning. I didn't submit anything. It just wasn't even on the radar of things I've been thinking about.

I'm not afraid of repeated rejection. I just don't think that's what God has for me right now, and I'm not going to force it. If God gives me something to say, I'll write it and submit, but for now He hasn't.

That's a recent commitment I've made...if God opens a door I will thankfully and faithfully walk through it, but I'm not going to build my own. Unless all the materials for the door show up on my doorstep and it becomes clear that He intends me to. 

I've been struggling to remain faithful in my writing. I've been wondering if this really is God's plan for me. Because I do this basically for myself. People tell me it encourages them sometimes, but I do this completely on my own. Nobody asked me to. 

My husband gets asked to use his talents. I'm not jealous or resentful of that it's just an example of what I mean. He's a singer and he's great at 'sound'...and people ask him to do that. He gets asked to sing whenever singers are needed for anything and he gets asked to run the 'sound board' when it needs running. 

I have a cousin who is great at planning things. Like, she's amazing. And she gets asked to plan things. 

I don't get asked to write. I'm not pouting or upset about this, I'm just questioning what I'm doing here. 

Growing up, I didn't think I was capable of doing any really important job. When I took the military personality/aptitude tests in high school...they told me I would be a good senator or judge or college professor or pastor. If the test had had a face...I would have laughed in it. Not because I wouldn't have loved those jobs...but I was brought up thinking that politics or law school was out of the question for a christian and I also just didn't think I had it in me. And pastor was completely and utterly out of the question.:) Lately I've been thinking about possibly going to law school after my kids are grown just to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't know, like I said, I'm not building any doors for myself. 

Honestly, I thought that being a wife and mother were the only things I could do. I thought I would be good at keeping a home and caring for my children and husband. I'm not. It doesn't come naturally for me. I thought I would be fulfilled by it...and I love my kids and my husband so much that it hurts...but I find the itch to have something of my own to contribute to the world. Maybe that's a character defect. 

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and my significant contribution to the world will be that my house is finally clean and I have gotten over my phobia of having people over. Maybe that's the point to all of this. 

I don't know. But these are the thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head. I'm going to be faithful to my commitment to write...even if it's only for the feeling of accomplishment when the year is over and I've kept it. 

God is good, He is faithful and I trust Him with my future, my family and all of you! 

Raw and Uncut

I'm feeling kind of frustrated.

I'm frustrated because sometimes I totally think I'm surrendering to God and am in deep fellowship with Him and then I realize that I'm not really. If I were alive to God, I would be dead to sin and I wouldn't still be overeating. I mean, I know that as long as I'm alive I'll be growing and God will be changing me into the likeness of His Son. But I shouldn't still be a slave to food.

I'm actually really at a loss about this. I feel raw and frustrated. I mean, I think I've been growing in my relationship with God...some areas are kind of obvious....like the kind of mother I am. I'm not perfect but my mothering skills have seriously improved...like...exponentially. But other areas (mainly my food issues) I feel kind of baffled about.

It's not that I don't have the knowledge to eat healthy foods in healthy portions. It's the drive to actually do what I know, and not throw it all out the window when I'm triggered.

I feel like I'm not myself. I feel like the true me is buried under all of this fat and the life is being squeezed from me.

Maybe there's something I'm supposed to be learning, I don't know.

My weight issues hold me back. I find myself doing "grunt work" because I won't put myself out there to do what I really think God wants me to. I mean, I know the grunt work has value but I feel frustrated because I don't think it's what I'm supposed to be doing. It just feels wrong. It feels stifling.

The really frustrating thing is that a few years ago I thought God had solved this problem in my life.

Apparently not. Don't get me wrong though, I know the problem is me and not God. I'm not angry at Him or anything. I'm just in a weird place.

And that's all. Just wanted to be real.

Teaching my Kids to Get their Security from Jesus

I put my kids in public school this year. After a lot of prayer and thought we decided it was best. And so far it seems like a good thing.

This means I'm giving up a lot of my kids day to another adult. And a part of public school is reward/penalty based discipline.

At our "big kids" school there is something called the "Jeans List". Kids are awarded for good behavior by being given a reprieve from the normal uniform required.

None of our kids have made it so far. They have been disappointed every time.

Uriah, on the other hand, has been awarded Athlete, musician and artist of the week. 

I'll tell you what though, neither one of these things phases me, because I know who my kids are. I don't need them to receive awards or compliments for me to know who they are. Uriah was a good kid way before he was acknowledged by his teachers for being one. My other kids are good kids (who have their problems but are generally, usually fairly well behaved) even though they didn't make the "Jeans List". 

Awards and acknowledgements don't change who they are. Neither are failures or moments of poor behavior.  Doing the right thing is right regardless of who will notice. Wrong is wrong regardless of who will notice. 

I shouldn't do things based on who will notice. Uriah shouldn't only be a good athlete or musician or artist when the teacher is looking. My other kids should not stop being good kids because they have to wear khaki instead of denim. 

I want my kids to understand that my, and ultimately God's, love is not tied to their performance. That who they are as a person is not changed by what other people say about them. People miss a lot. And that could mean that someone who doesn't deserve to be acknowledged gets acknowledged while someone who does deserve it goes completely unnoticed. People are people and we are absolutely fallible and my self worth, and theirs, should not come from people but from the knowledge that God loves them, created them in His image and sent His Son to die for them.

I want my kids to know and be secure in who they are in Jesus, so that "compliments don't go to their head and criticisms don't go to their heart". 

That's something I need too. 

Trusting God at 9:02 a.m.

Remember Magnum P.I.? Shorty shorts, hawaiian shirts and . . . that mustache.

Thomas Magnum, of Magnum P.I., kept his head above water.

A power boat had passed by and knocked him into the water and separated him from his surfski.

Stranded. In open ocean.

Tired. Small hope.

He kicks his legs and waves his arms the way his father had taught him. Past the point of pain and exhaustion.

Not by agonizing . . .

over every kick and wave. Or how long rescue might take. Or how much his legs and arms hurt. Or how thirsty he is.

He made a decision each moment to keep kicking for THAT moment. Not ten minutes from then or even ten seconds. He made the decision to believe in the current moment and to keep kicking his legs and waving his arms. Regardless of how it felt.

And sometimes that's what life requires of us. Whether it's a bad health diagnosis, a struggling marriage or an addiction that I'm trying to break. Sometimes I just have to make the decision that at 8:42 am I am going to trust God with my health or my marriage or my addiction. I don't know what I'll be doing at 8:43 am, that doesn't matter right now...right now at 8:42 I am trusting God. 

I don't have to make the decision right now that even ten minutes from now I'll do the right thing. If that's overwhelming I can stop thinking that way and just think about THIS moment.

THIS. MOMENT.

Right. Now. 

I don't have to worry about whether I am strong enough to have faith in God, or trust Him with my marriage or my addiction or whatever else. 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us that God's power is made perfect in my weakness. He will do it FOR me. All I have to do is right now, in this very moment make the decision that I will trust Him. And then renew that decision in the next moment. But right now, in this moment, I don't worry about the next moment. Just. this. moment. 

Magnum ended up treading water for an extreme amount of time. Way longer than he thought he could in the beginning. 

Sometimes we get caught up in the future. Or I do. I think about how far I have to go and how I probably won't keep up the work it would take to reach that goal...so I never get started. But it doesn't matter a great deal if I start a good habit today and maintain it every day until the end of time. It just matters today. If I work out today, regardless of whether I workout tomorrow, it's a good thing, I'm better off. 

So today, I'm only going to worry about today. Or this moment. I'm going to trust God right now. I'll worry about 9:03 at 9:03. Right now, at 9:02, I am trusting God. 

Listening More Than I Talk

I get frustrated with politics. For a long time I've basically ignored the news on the basis that after mothering 5 kiddos I didn't have the energy to worry about what was happening outside of our never ending mountain of laundry. But I've regained my interest in the world of politics and where our country and our world is headed.

As a young person I was very interested in politics but per my upbringing, I believed that any career having anything to do with politics was not something a Christian could do. I have since changed my mind. Maybe God put my interest in history, government and politics inside me for a reason, I don't know. Maybe it's just a silly passion that I will soon realize is just a manifestation of a worldly frame of mind. I don't know. I'm totally open to being wrong on most subjects, I would rather feel the sting of rebuke than remain staunchly in the wrong.

I don't consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. Both parties embrace various platforms that horrify me.

Something that frustrates me and a reason I've felt disillusioned for a long time is just the amount of bickering, sometimes over really petty things. Some people will criticize President Obama no matter what he does and some will praise him no matter what he does. Both sides "spin" the action and assign whatever motive they need to to feed their own positions viewpoint.

Nobody really listens to anyone one else and it all just turns into one big game of tug o' war.

I don't have to attend every argument that I'm invited to and I shouldn't. It seems that people get so caught up in being right that they don't even remember the original issue that they became angry about, they just know they are angry and where the anger was directed and so every issue that comes up, no matter how small, they grab onto it and continue the argument as if it were the battle of the ages.

If I get offended by EVERYTHING, my outrage loses its impact. If I get upset about what my local landmark is called and what books the library lends then my opinion about abortion gets lost in the ocean of outrage. People just roll their eyes and close their hearts and ears when they see me coming!

This applies to church too. If I complain about the temperature of the room and what time the services are and what songs get sung and who's preaching and what we have for lunch and whose baby was crying in church then my opinion loses any meaning or impact it might have had.

I don't have to be outraged about EVERYTHING. Sometimes I just need to put on my big girl panties and get over it and realize that the people who make decisions are mostly doing the best they can. I am NOT the only person who has an opinion and when a hundred or more people are involved there are likely just as many opinions...some of MY opinions are not going to be honored. Maybe none. But isn't that what being a follower of Jesus is about? Giving up my rights so my neighbor can exercise his?

Maybe I should try just shutting up unless something REALLY matters. Like, what's at stake here? My comfort or someone's soul? If the answer is my comfort or preferences it's probably time to shut up. If someone's soul is at stake it's time to speak up.

It's time to start making my words and actions count for something. Spend more time listening than talking so that when I do speak up, people listen.

James 1:19-20
Proverbs 17:28
Proverbs 12:15

God Loves and Knows My Kids More Than I Do...I Can Trust Him with Them

I haven't written all week.

Sure, I've been busy, my kids started public school and I've been busy working in my home. And our computer is broken so I either have to peck on my phone or wait until my husband gets home with his laptop.  But since I've been really trying to be totally available and engaged with my kids when they get home from school...that option doesn't work.

So I am probably not going to reach my two post quota this week.

God is working in my life but it's not really things that I can put into words yet.

He's been showing me that I can trust Him with my kids. Which I already knew but for the first three days of school I kind of forgot.

I wanted them to go to school and effortlessly fit in and everything just be be hunky-dorey. But it wasn't. There were challenges. And I could have stepped in, but I think God didn't want me to. I think He wanted me to know and remember that He loves these babies a million times more than I do. And if that's true then He wants the best for them even more than I do. And what's more, He can work it all for their good in a way that I can't even comprehend.

If they love Him, He can take all the things that they don't understand, all the things that frustrate them and disappoint them and work them for their good.

I can't do that. I can only love them and support them. I can't see their future. I can't weave all the lives and things together to create something good from something hideous and bad.

God can. And He loves these kids more than I do. So I trust Him.

Instead of begging Him to give them a good day, I thank Him for giving them one and for working the difficult moments for their ultimate good.

My heart is at peace, and I can support them and reassure them and put the proper emphasis on events, instead of freaking out in fear over something that won't even be a blip on the radar a year from now. :)

The Flip Side to Broken Marriage--Things You Should Know

Now that we know the ways we are broken and the source of our brokeness, it can be addressed. We've stepped out of denial and into our desperate need for our Savior. Our broken lives and broken marriage have given us a knowledge for our need of our Great Physician more than ever.

A really neat perk of where our marriage is right now? I don't love him because he's a good husband. I don't love him because he's a good provider. I don't love him because of all the things we have in common. I love him. And that's all. He doesn't have to do anything to earn my love. I love him because we've spent the last 14 years as partners in the trenches.

Things that used to get on my nerves don't anymore. Because I love him. And that has absolutely nothing to do with his actions so I am free to just accept him exactly like he is. I've come to realize that my love for him is deep...deeper than anything he can do to annoy me.

Does that mean I don't want him to make better choices sometimes? No. I want him to make better choices for himself and how he will feel as a result and how his relationship with God will grow and not because of how they affect me.

We both know, because we've both proven, that we can love each other through really stupid and horrible things we've done.

We've proven our commitment to each other.

So...unconditional love and unconditional commitment. And a deeper and more rich relationship with God.

That is what has come as a result of our broken marriage. See what I mean by God working our mess for our good? He is so good and faithful. And as difficult as some moments in our marriage have been, I am thankful. And optimistic! God is awesome!!!

Broken Marriage

Writing things down helps me process them.

I've written a lot about my marriage and the struggles we've had. I've tried really hard to not pretend, to not convey that things are better than they are.

Our marriage is broken. Because we are, and have been, broken.

It's like a horribly cracked foundation of a house. We can fix the cracks in the walls and replace the flooring all we want to but if the foundation isn't fixed it's just going to re-crack. There's no point in doing all of that patchwork if the foundation is broken.

For a long time we just ignored the cracks in the walls and floors of our marriage. I read books and blogs and tried to make the most of the house of our marriage.

Now, and for a while, we've been trying to get to the bottom of the damage. And just as I think we've gotten to the bottom of it all, we make a new discovery. It's like when you go to change the spark plugs on your car and realize you need a new engine. (I don't know if that would ever happen, but those are two car parts I know the names of, so there you go)

The latest of these discoveries is that we are just really not compatible. We were so unhealthy when we were dating that we both ignored all of the red flags and proceeded with reckless abandon.

I was the damsel in distress and he was my knight in shining armor. I was looking for love and freedom and he was looking for...well...I won't speak for him. It's like neither of us cared about whether we would really be a good match. I was (a much less violent) Bonnie to his Clyde.

So, here we are, almost 14 years in and the things we have in common are our shared experiences over the last 16 years.

We struggle to find things to talk about so we end up talking about our problems. Our own and each others, and that gets old.

We do have fun moments, don't get me wrong. But, we aren't the kind of couple who started out with a great love, we don't have a romantic engagement story. Our wedding wasn't magical and our honeymoon isn't a very good memory. We don't like the same movies, we don't enjoy the same activities.

Well, we both like kissing. And we both of like the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. That's one thing we've got. :)

Our marriage doesn't have a ton of awesome moments. They have gotten increasingly less horrible, and some have actually been good. Some have even been great. But mostly we've survived.

I think this is a point when a lot of people decide that it isn't worth trying to save or they completely check out. But we haven't and, by the grace of God, we won't.

We are in this. We made a commitment to God, to each other, and now to our children and we are going to keep that commitment. This isn't ideal but honestly, I don't want out. And he doesn't either.

I don't know how God is going to work this for our good, but I know that He is. I trust Him. He has already used it for my good.

The thing is, finally admitting this to ourselves has kind of set us free. For years I've been reading books and blogs trying to fix us. But really, I was fixing the cracks in the walls and floors, not wanting to admit that the problem was with the foundation. Acknowledging the broken foundation has taken the pressure off.

It's like when you know there is something physically wrong with you and you imagine all of the things that could be wrong and you avoid going to the doctor. Or maybe you go to the doctor but it takes a while to figure out what's wrong. You can't treat the illness until you know what it is. You can treat the symptoms but the illness itself can't be treated until it's identified.

I'm excited to see God work, to watch Him heal us. To witness His strength made perfect in our weakness. And to ultimately stand in awe of His goodness and glory.

I Love Peter!

Peter is one of my favorite disciples.

I was just reading the Gospel of John. Jesus has just finished telling the disciples to love each other as He loved them.

And then Peter speaks up to ask Jesus where He is going. Jesus tells Peter that he can't follow Him now, but will later. Peter says

"Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."  Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times."

We all know what happened. Peter denied Him. Three times. Just like Jesus said he would.

This time Jesus' reply really struck me. I imagine that Peter recalled Jesus' question when the rooster crowed. "Will you lay down your life for me?" I wonder how many times he thought of that moment throughout his life. I imagine it crossed his mind when he was being nailed to his own cross. But that time he replied with a resounding YES! Not with his tongue as he had previously been keen to do, but with his life.

I think it would have been amazing to witness the transformation of Peter. From the nervous talker who denied knowing Jesus to the dedicated Jesus follower who preached Jesus.

It's just a beautiful picture to me. Not that Peter denied Jesus, but that even though he didn't get it right that time, he eventually did.

I love Peter because he reminds me of what God can do in my life. He reminds me that where I am today is not where I will always be. That even though I say stupid things, completely miss the point and get caught up in peer pressure that God can use me, He can accomplish His will through me. He can and will change me.

These sins and character defects that plague me will eventually be gone. Not completely in my earthly life. But enough that my life won't be about them anymore. Enough that my life will be so full of Jesus that they will have to kill me to end it. But even if they do, it won't be over. I'll just praise Him somewhere else. :)