Raw and Uncut

I'm feeling kind of frustrated.

I'm frustrated because sometimes I totally think I'm surrendering to God and am in deep fellowship with Him and then I realize that I'm not really. If I were alive to God, I would be dead to sin and I wouldn't still be overeating. I mean, I know that as long as I'm alive I'll be growing and God will be changing me into the likeness of His Son. But I shouldn't still be a slave to food.

I'm actually really at a loss about this. I feel raw and frustrated. I mean, I think I've been growing in my relationship with God...some areas are kind of obvious....like the kind of mother I am. I'm not perfect but my mothering skills have seriously improved...like...exponentially. But other areas (mainly my food issues) I feel kind of baffled about.

It's not that I don't have the knowledge to eat healthy foods in healthy portions. It's the drive to actually do what I know, and not throw it all out the window when I'm triggered.

I feel like I'm not myself. I feel like the true me is buried under all of this fat and the life is being squeezed from me.

Maybe there's something I'm supposed to be learning, I don't know.

My weight issues hold me back. I find myself doing "grunt work" because I won't put myself out there to do what I really think God wants me to. I mean, I know the grunt work has value but I feel frustrated because I don't think it's what I'm supposed to be doing. It just feels wrong. It feels stifling.

The really frustrating thing is that a few years ago I thought God had solved this problem in my life.

Apparently not. Don't get me wrong though, I know the problem is me and not God. I'm not angry at Him or anything. I'm just in a weird place.

And that's all. Just wanted to be real.