Another Root

 I hit the ground running. I was so ready for change and growth that as soon as I had any direction, I took off. 

Inspired by my own growth and what it seemed God was doing in my life, I began to take on projects in addition to my busy roles of wife, mother to five children and full-time employee.

Each opportunity felt like a divine appointing for service, connection and growth. 

I held multiple roles in a recovery fellowship, and several roles within the church we were apart of. I was working full-time on these projects while still trying to show up for my family and at work. 

It started to feel like the walls were caving in on me. Times of rest didn't provide me with the rejuvenation I needed. Nothing seemed to help. When one task was complete, there was always another waiting to be finished. I never felt rested, or relaxed. No amount of napping or taking a sabbath weekend made a difference.

I tried to share how I was feeling but it seemed that people didn't believe me, or take how I was feeling seriously. I felt judged and ridiculed when I let anyone see how much I was struggling. 

In addition, a series of events had eroded the confidence and trust I had in mentors. It became clear that I wasn't working for what I thought I was.

While this was hurtful, it helped me to realize that nobody was looking out for me and it empowered me to look out for myself. 

I gradually quit everything. 

This kicked off 4 years of darkness for me. I almost lost my faith. 

It was all triggered by burn out. 

It took four years for day to break on my Dark Night, and I'm still in the process of re-engaging in life. I'm careful what I take on, and I'm much more prone to say no. 

I've learned that programs aren't a means of relationship. Working alongside other people doesn't automatically lead to communion. Those things take intention and commitment. So I've learned to divert my intention and commitment to the right things. And to fewer things. 

I take things one step, one day and one moment at a time. I show up. Repeatedly. In the right spaces. 

I'm practicing though. This isn't something I've gotten down pat. I'm practicing. 

 To read the next installment in this series, click here.