Go Ahead and Think Outside the Bun...Just Do it Somewhere Besides Taco Bell...

So, at this point in my weight loss it's kind of inevitable that people notice. I've had people not recognize me. Mostly I get "wow! you look great! What are you doing?" And I have to be honest I'm a little perplexed about how to answer.

I'm not on a diet. I don't feel like I'm on a diet. Yes, I count my points and go weigh-in every Monday but I don't feel like I'm on a diet. So when someone asks me that question...I need to give credit where credit is due, but at the same time I don't want to be misleading.

I believe in Weight Watchers. But it's not for everyone. Weight Watchers and the people I've met there have helped me to cut the huge life changes that I need to make into bite size pieces that I can live with. It's not a miracle cure...it's a tool.

Not everyone thinks the same way, not everyone learns the same way. So Weight Watchers might not be the thing for you. I'm the kind of person that needs to have things broken down, a 'to-do' list with real, doable goals and tasks that will help me reach my goals. If I approach something in an unorganized way I get overwhelmed and eventually shut down. So Weight Watchers is kinda my thang.

Don't feel like you have to fit in some box to make changes. You don't have to eat brussel sprouts 3 times a day to be healthy. Figure out what you need and do THAT.

But whatever you do, don't approach it like a diet. Approach it like a learning tool/process. You're not going to have a personality transplant over night and suddenly only have the desire to eat brussel sprouts. If you don't like vegetables, don't make yourself ONLY eat vegetables. Make small changes that you can live with. Maybe add a veggie to whatever you eat at lunch...or experiment with different ways to prepare them and find something that you like and can live with. If you like mexican food...guess what?!?! salsa is a vegetable. I love to eat salsa with red bell peppers as a substitute for tortilla chips. If red peppers don't work for you, keep trying until you find something that does.

The thing is, there is no miracle cure. It's a day by day, hour by hour issue. But I do know this, if I can do it, anyone, and I DO mean ANYONE, can do it.

Parenting Kindergarten

Do you ever miss something obvious? Something you think you should have seen but didn't?

Like taking your kid to the doctor for a routine checkup and finding out they have a massive ear infection that you weren't privy to? I've done that. And let me tell you, I felt like a completely incompetent mother.

Even though I hate those moments and find them humiliating, I've learned to be thankful for them. It's humbling. And I need all of the humbling I can get.

I had a milder version of that today.

Going to the store is kind of a big deal when you have 5 kinds in four years. The first time I took them all to Walmart shortly after the twins were born, I learned how to fit five kids in a stroller designed for two. It was a memorable experience for me and most likely everyone who was there that day. The babies cried, errrrr...screamed, the entire time.

I have to admit that things have definitely gotten easier since then. But it's still difficult. Partly because five kids take up a lot of room...it's like taking five little mini tornados to Walmart...and so navigating the store presents a problem.

Well, today I was presented with an overwhelming trip to Walmart. I needed stuff for cheesy potatoes and fruit salad. I got to a point where I was really fed up, so to save myself some time I asked Caleb to go one isle over and pick out some bananas. He came back with exactly the bananas I would have picked. Since that worked out so well I sent him on another errand.

Since things were going so smoothly with Caleb I decided to test out the other two "big kids". Lilla picked out some strawberries, Nathaniel picked a pineapple.

My life got easier today...I learned something about my kids and they took pride in a job well done. It was the best Walmart trip I've had in years.

And I'm sitting here asking myself why I didn't think of this sooner. (ACtually, I know exactly why I didn't think of it sooner. I'm selfish and didn't want to slow down long enough to give them a chance. I've taught them how to pick out fruit but I didn't want to give them the opportunity to use their skills because it's easier to just do it myself rather than risk the extra time and aggravation it would take if they made a mistake. But they didn't make a mistake...they did exactly what I taught them to do...and who cares if they did make a mistake???? Me! Because I'm selfish!)

Fashion Tag

Okay, so I do not claim to be a fashionista. I'm just learning about all of this. When you are severely obese fashion isn't really the main concern...finding something to fit is...and honestly, I don't think I ever wore the size I actually needed to wear when I was at my biggest...and I'm learning that that is pretty typical.

So...I'm not doing this to claim that I know anything about fashion...it's just fun. Also I thought this would be a fun way to document the evolution of my style...as I'm sure that it will be changing more as I have more options do to my shrinking size.

1. How would you describe your style?
I think I would call it funky classic. Because I'm mostly pretty classic but I do like a little bit of funk in there too. OR maybe rocker would be more accurate...not sure.

2.  What are your wardrobe staples?
Okay, so I don't have a ton since I'm just starting my collection but...white tank tops...you know the kind mechanics wear??? I love them...I wear them all the time. Earrings are definitely a staple, I ALWAYS wear earrings...and usually they are of the big dangly variety. Also, a cardigan sweater since I'm not yet ready to bare my arms to the world.

3.  Most expensive item in your closet?
Um well I don't buy a lot of my clothes right now, since I'm still losing weight and I think it's kind of silly to make an investment in clothes I will, Lord willing, grow out of fairly quickly. So, as of right now, my most expensive item is the last dress I bought from Target...

4. Most Wanted Item?
Okay, so there are two...this white dress from Target. And these yellow heels. Not necessarily to be worn together.

5. Favorite designer. 
Valentino, Stella McCartney, Michael Kors and I'm not sure if this is a designer but I love Chanel.

6. What are your favorite places to shop?
Target, Macy's, H&M...I'm still intimidated by a lot of stores...I still feel like the pig in the room full of lady bugs.

7.  Favorite Fragrance?
Marc Jacobs Daisy

8.  Favorite way to do your hair?
I'm a big fan of the Lauren Conrad braid and messy bun thing.

9.  What is your go to outfit when you have no idea what to wear?
Um...I don't really have one...just one that doesn't cling to my fat, show a ton of leg (still self conscious about that) or draw unnecessary attention to myself.

10.  One Fashion trend you wish would come back??
Well, um, I"m a big punk fan...haha just kidding! I'm a big fan of anything from the 30s-70s so anything from any of those eras would ring my bell.

11.  Show us your most prized possession your wardrobe.
Okay, so I know this will probably seem ridiculous but I wanted this hat for months before I was able to get it. I'm still kind of self conscious about wearing but I do love it.

12. Tag people.
Okay, so I AM going to tag people but I don't want anyone who doesn't want to do this to do it. So if I tag you don't feel obligated!

Okay, so I tag...Sarah,
                         Tara
                         Lacey

And anyone else who want to do it. If you don't have a blog...do it on Facebook!

Ramble Alert!

There are a bazillion reasons that I want to be healthy (ie at an ideal weight). Mostly because I really believe that I cannot truly be trusting in God and putting my faith in Him, if I'm relying so heavily on my unhealthy relationship with food.

For the first 40 pounds I didn't do any kind of exercise. At that point I picked an exercise DVD and started working out. I didn't just choose something easy. I chose something difficult and that's kind of what I've done ever since.

Well, until a couple of months ago. I've had a really hard time talking myself into working out with any regularity and with any real conviction/challenge. I've mostly walked and even that has not been consistent.


Last night, for the first time in a couple of months I made it through an entire workout where I could barely breath and at several points I thought I might faint. It was hard. The entire time I wanted nothing more than to quit. I prayed the entire time for God to just get me through the particular exercise I was doing.

In one of the particularly difficult parts I stopped and had a mental breakdown. I'm pretty sure Michael was completely bewildered.

{In this whole process it has really been imprinted on me, how closely related my weight loss is to my spiritual state. And that I can do all the good things I want to but God is the source of everything good and I can't do anything of any real value...only He can. I've struggled with the whole sin/grace/works thing and I think that this whole process has taught me a lot about that. Not that I understand it, I won't claim that. But I'm learning.}

I wanted, and still want, this to come easy. I want losing weight to be easy. And honestly, the last 100 pounds has been fairly easy. But now I've gotten to where I'm close enough to my goal weight that it's slowing down and getting more difficult. I don't burn as many calories in every day life and in my workouts because I'm not carrying as much weight.

It's not just the physical things that are difficult. It's the emotional stuff as well. Dealing with the emotions of having people treat me differently (the few people who avoided me before who go out of their way to talk to me now...which I'm okay with...being fat is basically wearing a sign that tells everyone you aren't perfect and specifically what you struggle with...it would be the same for someone who walked around with a sign that said they were a liar or a gossip...it would make people uncomfortable...so I completely understand and I don't resent it...but it is something to deal with) and people depending on me for "inspiration" and being completely unworthy of that. It's the fear of failure...and people (who are well meaning, I'm sure) who think I'm just doing this for right now and will just gain it all back and make that clear to me.

It's not easy. It's hard. And even though it's a good hard and I can see the benefits of it being hard...it's still against my nature to do hard things. And there are days when I have to depend heavily on prayer and God's answer to get through it. But that's good, right? Because we all know where depending on myself got me.

All Because of Jesus

Yeah, I wanted to lose 5lbs today. But when I stepped onto the scale, it said I gained 1.2 lbs instead.

But just because I want something doesn't mean that's what I need. And I am so thankful that God's ways are higher than mine because my life would be so much less meaningful if I always got my way.

I've kind of seen this whole weight loss process as a sort of spiritual awakening. Errr....or maybe the weight loss process is a physical manifestation of my spiritual awakening.

I get a lot of compliments. I have to admit, I do enjoy them. I am thankful for them. But sometimes I forget to give God the glory, and instead take it as my own.

And so, after the initial feelings of frustration, I am thankful for my weight gain today. It reminds me that God is in control, NOT ME. It reminds me to stop trying to take control and do things my way, and trust Him...and give HIM the resulting glory.

There are times when I wish life were musical where it is perfectly expected and acceptable to break out in song and dance at any moment. If it were this is the song I would sing to accompany my uncoordinated and juvenile dance moves...

Facing My Giants Part Deux

I'm not sure that this belongs here. But I think that, for my own healing and moving on, it has to go somewhere. So for right now, this is it.

I'm a little unsure of how to start so I think I'll just jump in and hope this is coherent.

Pride is my worst fault. It is at the core of every bad decision I've ever made. I wield my pride first as a shield and then as a weapon.

I've talked about how much I've changed from the girl I used to be. I loved lavishly and gave my whole heart. But little by little, as injury after injury came, and each time I wielded my pride (instead of admitting that my feelings were hurt--whether legitimately or not--I hid my tears...swallowed them and raised my chin in defiance and pride) the wall was built higher, until brick by brick I had laid the Great Wall of China around my heart. My quiet pride grew to a defensive one and anyone approaching my wall was pushed back and fired upon until I looked around me and, literally, I was alone.

I've always been baffled by my own pride and arrogance...after all, I have extremely low self esteem. Pride isn't the result of feeling good about myself...it's my overcompensation for NOT feeling good about myself...it's yet another way my inability to show vulnerability is manifested.

I don't want to be like that. I've been praying for God to turn me into the lover of others that He created me to be until I allowed my pride to obliterate His plan for me.

I'm not saying that I've suddenly gotten a new heart...but brick by brick and day by day I can feel the wall coming down. I'm ready to love lavishly, with my whole heart...and I'm learning to trust that God will get me through the rejections and hurt feelings.

I have to admit though,I'm scared. I'm scared for my renewed open heart to be tested. Will I pass the test? I don't know. Will I wield my pride shield at the first sign of pain? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I am so thankful that God hasn't given up on me. I used to consider taking my own life and I would cry and cry and ask God why I was alive...I couldn't see any good reason...I was not only a burden on myself but on everyone around me.

Today, I feel like I finally know why I didn't die. I am truly thankful to be alive. I am thankful that as low as I got...and as low as I still am, He hasn't given up on me. And even though I am still so flawed and I have so much changing to do and I stumble on a regular basis...I feel like the lost who has been found. I'm no longer a sheep lost in the dark waiting to be eaten by a wolf...I've been found by the shepherd.

Things I Don't Understand

For the past two days I've been struggling.

There are so many things that I know I need to be doing. One thing is getting up before my kids. I've gone through long periods where I've done this. But lately, and for the past few months, I haven't been doing it.

I struggle with understanding how God works. I know that He does. I am convinced my weightloss is a direct result of that. But losing weight isn't the only change that needs to be made in my life.

So I've been praying that God would help me get up in the morning, before my kids.

Well, so far, I'm not.

I'm not sure if God is telling me that it isn't time for that or if I'm somehow not listening to what He IS telling me.

With all of the things that I stink at, with all of the ways that I continually fail my kids and everyone around me...I think I'm still somehow missing the point.

I'm so thankful for what He's done in my life...losing 111 pounds, so far, is AMAZING and I am SO THANKFUL...but I still have so much to learn...and I have a feeling that He might be in the middle of teaching me something right now.

An Attitude of Gratitude

My cup is not half empty and it's not half full. My cup runneth over.

But sometimes you'd think my cup were empty from my attitude. For me, complaining and a negative attitude come easily.  Finding fault is natural.

I've been learning that all of the things that I find to complain about are all a matter of perspective.

The pile of dirty dishes in the sink are proof that my family has food to eat. I am blessed. The endless pile of  laundry is proof that we have a full life and plenty of clothes to wear. I am blessed. The toilet I continually scrub is not a stinky outhouse. I am blessed. The empty fridge is an opportunity to be resourceful and grow in faith. I. Am. Blessed.

This week, my prayer is that God will cultivate an attitude of gratitude in my heart and that He will be glorified as I attempt to serve my family with joy.

Facing My Giants

I love the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. It just speaks to me, and every time I hear it, my breath catches and I feel like it was written just for me. Recently, when I participated in a 5k I played this song several times to give myself inspiration and the extra push to keep going.

My favorite verse, and one I didn't even really notice until recently is...

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

My laundry pile is never ending...literally. I've gotten to where I complete  5-6 loads of laundry a day and I still can't keep up.

Laundry may seem trivial, but it is one of my giants. Until today, I don't even remember the last time I separated my laundry. I just kind of threw it all in out of desperation. But mostly it was this big, looming, "giant" that I hated and feared at the same time.

It shouldn't be this hard. 

So this year is all about simplifying my life and facing my giants...the first of which is my laundry pile.

By Sunday evening I plan to have a sidewalk covered in garbage bags ready to be donated or thrown away...with the exception of a few of their clothes that were given as gifts that will be rotated and put away periodically.

Each person gets 8 outfits. Six everyday (three pairs of jeans, six t shirts), one business casual (polo/sweater, khakis, etc) and one super dressy ( fancy dress, slacks/shirt/tie)
6 pairs of everyday socks and two pairs of dress socks...
6 pairs of underwear, 2 undershirts and 6 pairs of socks.
One set of sheets for each bed, with one extra in each bed size, in case of emergency.
10 pillowcases10 bath towels,
two hand towels,
10 wash clothes,
4 kitchen towels

I will probably always have to do at least one load of towels a day, but only having to spend the entire day in the laundry room once or twice a week will be such a relief. Just having a plan of attack is a huge relief.

Please pray for me as I face this giant down! I can use all the Divine intervention I can get!


What giants are you facing? Let me know and I'll be your prayer warrior this week!

How I'm Doing It

I get a lot of questions from people about how I'm losing my weight and how I finally got the motivation I needed to start losing the 176lbs I had gradually gained over a 12 year period.

I honestly cringe when anyone asks me for workout/diet advice. Because, let's be honest, I'm not qualified to give it. I still have 74 lbs to lose and a lot of years to keep it off.

It really hit me today though. A year ago, I had given up. I had given up on myself. I wore my fat as armor...with a crest that said "I'm a horrible person who's done horrible things and let everyone, including myself, down and this is what I deserve"...it's a disclaimer so that nobody will mistake me for a valid human being.

I was hopeless. Literally. The best I could hope for was to raise my children to be different. And even that seemed far-fetched.

The only thing I can say, and at the risk of being branded a kook, is that God made the difference for me. I realized that the only way anything was going to change for me is through Him. I was desperate, I was at the end of my rope and I had to completely rely on God for anything positive in my life. So, in a nutshell, it was/is Divine intervention.

I'm not going to claim to know how God works...but I know He does...He is. And I am living proof of that.

My Own Deuteronomy.

I don't know about you, but for years I struggled in my reading of Dueteronomy. I did fine with the rest of Pentateuch but for some reason Dueteronomy killed me every time. It's just so repetitive. I mean, that's kind of the point of Dueteronomy. God told Joshua to repeat the law to the children of Israel one more time before they entered the Promised Land.

Over and over, God takes precautions to help the Israelites remember who they were, and where they'd come from, who they served.

Because God knows us. He knows that in our day to day lives, we'll forget. We'll forget that the reason we're here, the reason for all of this is, Him. Everything I have is because He gave it to me. I take credit for things that are not mine to take credit for.

The last few weeks in my weight loss journey (seriously, it's kind of annoying to hear that phrase...and yet...I just used it! Gag me!) have been a struggle for me. Right now I'm within 1.4 lbs of reaching one hundred pounds of weight loss. In the sum of a month, I've lost between 2 and 3 pounds. I'm used to losing that, or more, in a week.

I think it all amounts to a need to refocus. A need to remember. Remember that the point of all this isn't just weight loss. The point of all this is preparing my body to glorify God. Because obesity is a spiritual muscle relaxer. You don't have the confidence to step out into the water and other people don't have the confidence in you to ask you to. You wouldn't ask someone who'd just taken muscle relaxers to dig a ditch...people who take muscle relaxers sleep afterward.

So this week I'm taking the time to refocus. To remember where I've come from, who I am and who I serve.

Because all of this, all of the lessons I'm learning, mean nothing if not in the light of Jesus.