Open Doors

Maybe it's because it just recently started happening again...but I LOVE having doors opened for me. Anywhere. Anytime. By anyone.

I know it's silly and inconsequential...but at the same time NOT inconsequential. The fact that another human being...who is out rushing around through their day...would see me and for even a split second consider my welfare and take measures to assist me is absolutely consequential.

It's a perfect example of love without condition. The other person doesn't know me. He doesn't know that I nag my children or yell at my husband or try to control the world.  None of those things matter. He sees that I need the door opened and opens it. I walk through. I am thankful for a person that I don't know. I don't know what he does when he's alone, with his kids or on his income taxes. It doesn't matter or even cross my mind. I only feel gratitude.

A small act of kindness. No strings. No expectations. Only gratitude.

A Heart's Desire

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.

Don't worry...I'm not going to disappear to go looking for myself.

All of my kids are in school and I'm faced with trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah I know, I'm still a mom...and that is primarily what I'm supposed to be doing. But part of my job as a mom is giving my children wings, giving them opportunities to discover who God made them to be and where they fit in God's plan...teaching them to soar on the wings of eagles. And teaching is best done by example, right?


I'll tell ya, I have had a hard time thinking of something I'm good at. I've taken personality tests, read books and talked Michael's ear off.

I think that the hardest part has just been realizing that I'm not a mistake...that I'm not God's accident...that I'm not too damaged and sinful to be useful to God...that while I am still sinful, Christ died for me...and that He has set me apart for good works.

And, since I'm NOT a mistake or an accident (even though if I were...he could STILL use me!) He must have given me a gift.

According to the spiritual gifts assessment in Complete in Christ my most prominent gifts are prophecy, leading, and encouraging. I guess the next step is narrowing down how God wants me to use those.

I've taken other personality tests (Myers Briggs Personality Indicator says I'm ENFP/J) and read books (I'm almost done with Courage and Calling...which has been so helpful!).

So, what is my hearts desire? I've thought about this question almost constantly since it was asked of me (in Courage and Calling).

I've been a little discouraged at my lack of talent. I don't scrapbook, I can't draw...you name it! I'm either mediocre at it or completely inept! I'm just not good at anything tangible...and I'll tell ya...that's been a little frustrating. But...

I think my hearts desire makes sense of all of this. The thing I want to do most in the world is inspire, encourage and spark creativity in others...to help people reach goals that they haven't had the courage to try for. To give people a place where they know they are loved without condition, and where that love empowers them to follow Christ to a depth they hadn't known before. I want my life to be a love letter from Jesus. And I don't need to be a world famous soprano to achieve that...all I need is Jesus.

I don't have a specific plan for how to achieve this but I think that my spiritual gifts line up well (I think?). I've been praying that God will glorify Himself and adorn the Gospel with my life...and as I've been learning of late...the most successful plans begin with prayer and the knowledge that it is only through Jesus that I can do anything good.

A New Season

If you read blogs to learn something...this probably isn't the one for you.
If you read blogs to find fun craft ideas and new recipes...this probably isn't the one for you.
If you read blogs to benefit from the wisdom of others...this probably isn't the one for you.

If you read blogs to feel better about yourself and how tidy your house is and how well behaved your kids are and pretty much any other area of you life...BOY IS THIS THE ONE FOR YOU!

I don't really know anything worth sharing...except that Jesus loves you (and ME!:).

And even THAT you can learn from a children's song.

So I'm just gonna write. It may or may not be worth reading. I don't know. But I'm going to write. Without strings, hoops or expectations...I'm just going to put good vibes on the internet...and even if all it is is good vibes and God is glorified...I'll be happy with that.

Step One: Progress Report

I have successfully gotten up earlier for four mornings now. I haven't quite made it to my "goal time"...which is 5am...but I'm getting there.

The first morning I got up at 6:40....the second 6:20...the third 5:40 and today I was able to get up at 5:20. So progress is being made!

God is so good. I know without a doubt that this wouldn't be possible without Him. Praise God!

My Plan: Step One

Sometimes I think I can identify with Judas Iscariot. Being so overwhelmed by how sinful I am can easily lead to depression for me. I get so caught up in all of the numerous (as the stars) ways I've failed and how terrible my sin is and how that has affected the people I love the most that I can understand the despair that Judas felt that led to his death.

Even though it IS important to recognize and repent of sin, it is more important to recognize that I can't get bogged down in it. I don't have to. Because Jesus has set me free. He has set me free. He can/will change me. I know that. I've witnessed it over the past year.

This week when we met with the school officials to discuss the outcome of the tests they did with Caleb, I left feeling like a failure, and knowing that I needed to make a lot of changes...and in despair over the bazillion times I had made charts, graphs and plans and then failed to implement them.

Well, after several days, tons of Bible reading and sermons/lectures listened to, I feel better. My focus has changed.

I have to approach it one step at a time. I can't change everything over night. In fact, I've proven that I (on my own) can't change anything at all. I am completely dependent on God for that. So I am praying that He will glorify Himself through me...in making changes in my life...because changing me would be such an awesome fete that nothing and nobody else could possibly have accomplished it or could receive credit.

So it seems clear to me...

Step One:  First things first. Rising early to spend quiet time with God before my family gets up. I need this. It prepares my heart and mind to serve my family and it just gives me an awesome jump start to my day. I am NOT a morning person. So I'm definitely going to be in need of prayer!

Okay, so as part of my "Quiet Time" in the morning, I have decided to include some reading that will encourage and exhort me specifically in my "keeper of the home" role. I've made a list of books that I want to read that will keep me busy for a long time. I want to read them slowly so as to soak in as much "older woman" wisdom as I can. Have you read any of these? If so, what did you think? What books do you want to read? What books would you recommend?


These aren't necessarily in the order I plan to read them...

Shopping for Time
The Mission of Motherhood
From Clutter to Clarity
Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
Choosing Grattitude
Steady Days:  A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood
The Ministry of Motherhood
Practicing Hospitality: The Joy of Serving Others

Anyway, I'm saying all of this to say THIS, if you have time and remember, please pray for me before you go to sleep at night...for the strength to endure the first ten minutes of morning misery to give the benefits of it to my family and ultimately to bring glory to God.

Go Ahead and Think Outside the Bun...Just Do it Somewhere Besides Taco Bell...

So, at this point in my weight loss it's kind of inevitable that people notice. I've had people not recognize me. Mostly I get "wow! you look great! What are you doing?" And I have to be honest I'm a little perplexed about how to answer.

I'm not on a diet. I don't feel like I'm on a diet. Yes, I count my points and go weigh-in every Monday but I don't feel like I'm on a diet. So when someone asks me that question...I need to give credit where credit is due, but at the same time I don't want to be misleading.

I believe in Weight Watchers. But it's not for everyone. Weight Watchers and the people I've met there have helped me to cut the huge life changes that I need to make into bite size pieces that I can live with. It's not a miracle cure...it's a tool.

Not everyone thinks the same way, not everyone learns the same way. So Weight Watchers might not be the thing for you. I'm the kind of person that needs to have things broken down, a 'to-do' list with real, doable goals and tasks that will help me reach my goals. If I approach something in an unorganized way I get overwhelmed and eventually shut down. So Weight Watchers is kinda my thang.

Don't feel like you have to fit in some box to make changes. You don't have to eat brussel sprouts 3 times a day to be healthy. Figure out what you need and do THAT.

But whatever you do, don't approach it like a diet. Approach it like a learning tool/process. You're not going to have a personality transplant over night and suddenly only have the desire to eat brussel sprouts. If you don't like vegetables, don't make yourself ONLY eat vegetables. Make small changes that you can live with. Maybe add a veggie to whatever you eat at lunch...or experiment with different ways to prepare them and find something that you like and can live with. If you like mexican food...guess what?!?! salsa is a vegetable. I love to eat salsa with red bell peppers as a substitute for tortilla chips. If red peppers don't work for you, keep trying until you find something that does.

The thing is, there is no miracle cure. It's a day by day, hour by hour issue. But I do know this, if I can do it, anyone, and I DO mean ANYONE, can do it.

Parenting Kindergarten

Do you ever miss something obvious? Something you think you should have seen but didn't?

Like taking your kid to the doctor for a routine checkup and finding out they have a massive ear infection that you weren't privy to? I've done that. And let me tell you, I felt like a completely incompetent mother.

Even though I hate those moments and find them humiliating, I've learned to be thankful for them. It's humbling. And I need all of the humbling I can get.

I had a milder version of that today.

Going to the store is kind of a big deal when you have 5 kinds in four years. The first time I took them all to Walmart shortly after the twins were born, I learned how to fit five kids in a stroller designed for two. It was a memorable experience for me and most likely everyone who was there that day. The babies cried, errrrr...screamed, the entire time.

I have to admit that things have definitely gotten easier since then. But it's still difficult. Partly because five kids take up a lot of room...it's like taking five little mini tornados to Walmart...and so navigating the store presents a problem.

Well, today I was presented with an overwhelming trip to Walmart. I needed stuff for cheesy potatoes and fruit salad. I got to a point where I was really fed up, so to save myself some time I asked Caleb to go one isle over and pick out some bananas. He came back with exactly the bananas I would have picked. Since that worked out so well I sent him on another errand.

Since things were going so smoothly with Caleb I decided to test out the other two "big kids". Lilla picked out some strawberries, Nathaniel picked a pineapple.

My life got easier today...I learned something about my kids and they took pride in a job well done. It was the best Walmart trip I've had in years.

And I'm sitting here asking myself why I didn't think of this sooner. (ACtually, I know exactly why I didn't think of it sooner. I'm selfish and didn't want to slow down long enough to give them a chance. I've taught them how to pick out fruit but I didn't want to give them the opportunity to use their skills because it's easier to just do it myself rather than risk the extra time and aggravation it would take if they made a mistake. But they didn't make a mistake...they did exactly what I taught them to do...and who cares if they did make a mistake???? Me! Because I'm selfish!)

Fashion Tag

Okay, so I do not claim to be a fashionista. I'm just learning about all of this. When you are severely obese fashion isn't really the main concern...finding something to fit is...and honestly, I don't think I ever wore the size I actually needed to wear when I was at my biggest...and I'm learning that that is pretty typical.

So...I'm not doing this to claim that I know anything about fashion...it's just fun. Also I thought this would be a fun way to document the evolution of my style...as I'm sure that it will be changing more as I have more options do to my shrinking size.

1. How would you describe your style?
I think I would call it funky classic. Because I'm mostly pretty classic but I do like a little bit of funk in there too. OR maybe rocker would be more accurate...not sure.

2.  What are your wardrobe staples?
Okay, so I don't have a ton since I'm just starting my collection but...white tank tops...you know the kind mechanics wear??? I love them...I wear them all the time. Earrings are definitely a staple, I ALWAYS wear earrings...and usually they are of the big dangly variety. Also, a cardigan sweater since I'm not yet ready to bare my arms to the world.

3.  Most expensive item in your closet?
Um well I don't buy a lot of my clothes right now, since I'm still losing weight and I think it's kind of silly to make an investment in clothes I will, Lord willing, grow out of fairly quickly. So, as of right now, my most expensive item is the last dress I bought from Target...

4. Most Wanted Item?
Okay, so there are two...this white dress from Target. And these yellow heels. Not necessarily to be worn together.

5. Favorite designer. 
Valentino, Stella McCartney, Michael Kors and I'm not sure if this is a designer but I love Chanel.

6. What are your favorite places to shop?
Target, Macy's, H&M...I'm still intimidated by a lot of stores...I still feel like the pig in the room full of lady bugs.

7.  Favorite Fragrance?
Marc Jacobs Daisy

8.  Favorite way to do your hair?
I'm a big fan of the Lauren Conrad braid and messy bun thing.

9.  What is your go to outfit when you have no idea what to wear?
Um...I don't really have one...just one that doesn't cling to my fat, show a ton of leg (still self conscious about that) or draw unnecessary attention to myself.

10.  One Fashion trend you wish would come back??
Well, um, I"m a big punk fan...haha just kidding! I'm a big fan of anything from the 30s-70s so anything from any of those eras would ring my bell.

11.  Show us your most prized possession your wardrobe.
Okay, so I know this will probably seem ridiculous but I wanted this hat for months before I was able to get it. I'm still kind of self conscious about wearing but I do love it.

12. Tag people.
Okay, so I AM going to tag people but I don't want anyone who doesn't want to do this to do it. So if I tag you don't feel obligated!

Okay, so I tag...Sarah,
                         Tara
                         Lacey

And anyone else who want to do it. If you don't have a blog...do it on Facebook!

Ramble Alert!

There are a bazillion reasons that I want to be healthy (ie at an ideal weight). Mostly because I really believe that I cannot truly be trusting in God and putting my faith in Him, if I'm relying so heavily on my unhealthy relationship with food.

For the first 40 pounds I didn't do any kind of exercise. At that point I picked an exercise DVD and started working out. I didn't just choose something easy. I chose something difficult and that's kind of what I've done ever since.

Well, until a couple of months ago. I've had a really hard time talking myself into working out with any regularity and with any real conviction/challenge. I've mostly walked and even that has not been consistent.


Last night, for the first time in a couple of months I made it through an entire workout where I could barely breath and at several points I thought I might faint. It was hard. The entire time I wanted nothing more than to quit. I prayed the entire time for God to just get me through the particular exercise I was doing.

In one of the particularly difficult parts I stopped and had a mental breakdown. I'm pretty sure Michael was completely bewildered.

{In this whole process it has really been imprinted on me, how closely related my weight loss is to my spiritual state. And that I can do all the good things I want to but God is the source of everything good and I can't do anything of any real value...only He can. I've struggled with the whole sin/grace/works thing and I think that this whole process has taught me a lot about that. Not that I understand it, I won't claim that. But I'm learning.}

I wanted, and still want, this to come easy. I want losing weight to be easy. And honestly, the last 100 pounds has been fairly easy. But now I've gotten to where I'm close enough to my goal weight that it's slowing down and getting more difficult. I don't burn as many calories in every day life and in my workouts because I'm not carrying as much weight.

It's not just the physical things that are difficult. It's the emotional stuff as well. Dealing with the emotions of having people treat me differently (the few people who avoided me before who go out of their way to talk to me now...which I'm okay with...being fat is basically wearing a sign that tells everyone you aren't perfect and specifically what you struggle with...it would be the same for someone who walked around with a sign that said they were a liar or a gossip...it would make people uncomfortable...so I completely understand and I don't resent it...but it is something to deal with) and people depending on me for "inspiration" and being completely unworthy of that. It's the fear of failure...and people (who are well meaning, I'm sure) who think I'm just doing this for right now and will just gain it all back and make that clear to me.

It's not easy. It's hard. And even though it's a good hard and I can see the benefits of it being hard...it's still against my nature to do hard things. And there are days when I have to depend heavily on prayer and God's answer to get through it. But that's good, right? Because we all know where depending on myself got me.

All Because of Jesus

Yeah, I wanted to lose 5lbs today. But when I stepped onto the scale, it said I gained 1.2 lbs instead.

But just because I want something doesn't mean that's what I need. And I am so thankful that God's ways are higher than mine because my life would be so much less meaningful if I always got my way.

I've kind of seen this whole weight loss process as a sort of spiritual awakening. Errr....or maybe the weight loss process is a physical manifestation of my spiritual awakening.

I get a lot of compliments. I have to admit, I do enjoy them. I am thankful for them. But sometimes I forget to give God the glory, and instead take it as my own.

And so, after the initial feelings of frustration, I am thankful for my weight gain today. It reminds me that God is in control, NOT ME. It reminds me to stop trying to take control and do things my way, and trust Him...and give HIM the resulting glory.

There are times when I wish life were musical where it is perfectly expected and acceptable to break out in song and dance at any moment. If it were this is the song I would sing to accompany my uncoordinated and juvenile dance moves...

Facing My Giants Part Deux

I'm not sure that this belongs here. But I think that, for my own healing and moving on, it has to go somewhere. So for right now, this is it.

I'm a little unsure of how to start so I think I'll just jump in and hope this is coherent.

Pride is my worst fault. It is at the core of every bad decision I've ever made. I wield my pride first as a shield and then as a weapon.

I've talked about how much I've changed from the girl I used to be. I loved lavishly and gave my whole heart. But little by little, as injury after injury came, and each time I wielded my pride (instead of admitting that my feelings were hurt--whether legitimately or not--I hid my tears...swallowed them and raised my chin in defiance and pride) the wall was built higher, until brick by brick I had laid the Great Wall of China around my heart. My quiet pride grew to a defensive one and anyone approaching my wall was pushed back and fired upon until I looked around me and, literally, I was alone.

I've always been baffled by my own pride and arrogance...after all, I have extremely low self esteem. Pride isn't the result of feeling good about myself...it's my overcompensation for NOT feeling good about myself...it's yet another way my inability to show vulnerability is manifested.

I don't want to be like that. I've been praying for God to turn me into the lover of others that He created me to be until I allowed my pride to obliterate His plan for me.

I'm not saying that I've suddenly gotten a new heart...but brick by brick and day by day I can feel the wall coming down. I'm ready to love lavishly, with my whole heart...and I'm learning to trust that God will get me through the rejections and hurt feelings.

I have to admit though,I'm scared. I'm scared for my renewed open heart to be tested. Will I pass the test? I don't know. Will I wield my pride shield at the first sign of pain? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I am so thankful that God hasn't given up on me. I used to consider taking my own life and I would cry and cry and ask God why I was alive...I couldn't see any good reason...I was not only a burden on myself but on everyone around me.

Today, I feel like I finally know why I didn't die. I am truly thankful to be alive. I am thankful that as low as I got...and as low as I still am, He hasn't given up on me. And even though I am still so flawed and I have so much changing to do and I stumble on a regular basis...I feel like the lost who has been found. I'm no longer a sheep lost in the dark waiting to be eaten by a wolf...I've been found by the shepherd.