Adventures in Walking

The evening air permeated with peace and joy. Evenings in Central California are the best evenings anywhere. After a long, hot, sunny day a cool, bay breeze ushers in a glorious evening that feels like the breath of God coming to sooth our souls. Even when the days aren't hot, that bay breeze just does something to the air that feels magical. 

In the midst of this soul soothing, and for the sake of my sanity and cardiovascular health, I plunged myself into the glorious evening for a run. Warming up to running, I planted my earbuds in my ears, started a playlist and proceeded to glide my way through surrounding neighborhoods, open fields and forests.

Approaching an optimal place to be kidnapped or murdered undetected, I picked up my pace and started to run. And then a good song came on. I ran a little bit faster and got a little bit more light on my feet - while maintaining a sense of alertness to my surroundings. 

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I saw something large and fierce barreling toward me. Continuing to run, I turned to see what my mind told me was a blood hungry and violence craving monster running at me as though his appetite for blood hadn't been satiated in years and it was about to be. 

I'd like to stop right here to say that I have what I consider a healthy fear of animals. You will never read about me being choked to death by my pet boa constrictor. Or having my bottom bitten by a snake in the toilet. I check every time. 

Also, I have a fairly nice sized knowledge of dog breeds and their corresponding personalities stored away, at least for commonly kept family dogs.

With that being said...

By this time, I had stopped running. Not for any logical reason, except that I've never been great at multitasking and screaming became my top priority. If there's ever a zombie apocalypse and you want to survive, I would be a good person to have around because I will likely stop running, start screaming and die immediately. 

So I'm standing in the street, with my arms raised and close to my body, and I finally see the animal running to me. It's an enormous dog, with it's tongue hanging out, slobber and jowls slinging and flapping in the wind, eyes red and drooping. All very reminiscent of most of the depictions of sharks I've seen. My knowledge of dog breeds went out the window. There was a gargantuan dog running at me, and all I could think of was PIT BULL. 

Don't forget, I had earbuds planted firmly in my ears with upbeat music playing loudly, so I couldn't even hear myself screaming. I have no way of knowing how grossly overboard the screaming went...but I can assure you: it was LOUD, SHRILL, and profoundly unhelpful.

I'm picturing the scene from Mark of the Lion where Hadassah is being devoured by the lion. I was imagining meat and bones and blood, preparing myself for the inevitable pain of being eaten by this animal. 

Not good.

I'm standing there with my eyes clinched shut, bracing myself for impact and, nothing happens. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the dog who had resembled Jaws moments before prancing around me in the most friendly and unthreatening manner. And I realized it was some sort of boxer mix and NOT a pitbull at all.

As my body unfolded from my protective stance, my breathing slowed and I started to feel safe. And then my brain alerted me to movement in my peripheral. There was a large, burly, old and bearded man charging toward me with something sharp in his hand! My breath caught in my chest and once again I am bracing for impact, thinking that the dog was simply some sort of diversion so this man could murder me with a hammer. 

I am taking in the scene, my brain is working, but not well. Once again proving I will be the first to go when zombies take over the world.  I realized the mans lips were moving but I couldn't hear what he was saying. He seemed to be yelling, the veins in his neck were popping but all I could hear was the Praise & Harmony song playing in my ear. It took several beats before I processed the reason I couldn't hear what he was saying and it occurred to me to take my earbuds OUT of my ears. 

Turns out, the man wasn't trying to murder me. He was doing some sort of carpentry project when his dog got out, and he didn't think to put his hammer down while he chased his dog. He tried to reassure me that his dog wouldn't hurt me. I never got around to saying that I was more afraid of his hammer than his dog, because it finally occurred to me that running away was probably my best option. I mean, if I narrowly escaped the first several threats to my life, why lose it now through casual conversation?

Anyway, I said all that to say this:  I wasn't torn to shreds by a vicious dog.

The End.

In the Highways and the Hedges

This evening, as I got into the van to drive myself and the kids to worship services, I was more than a little nervous.

The last time we drove the van, the dooley-dad that displays the DTE (distance to empty) read: 0.

This morning, Michael poured the remaining bit of gas, from the gas can we use for the lawnmower, into the tank and assured me that I would indeed be able to make it safely to church and home again.

Let's be real...Michael has run out of gas more times than anybody else I know. So this didn't exactly boost my confidence.

So I herded these hooligans into the van, got them all situated and turned on the van.

The DTE read...1.

So, I had to make it 12 miles round trip with the gas mileage dooley-dad telling me I could go 1. Then the thought of having to herd these wild indians down the long, winding, and dark highway after we had run out of gas crossed my mind.

But I guess I was in the mood for a miracle, because I DIDN'T do the sane thing and turn the car off and herd everyone back inside. Instead, I put the car in reverse.

I drove carefully. Making all of the drivers who WEREN'T about to run out of gas, VERY angry. Apparently people don't like it when you go 15 miles an hour UNDER the speed limit.

As I drove along, I watched (I DID look at the road mostly) the gas mileage dooley-dad rise. First 2, then 3 and when I arrived at church it read: 9.

By the time we got to church I was feeling a little like Elijah's widow lady whose oil never ran out. WHERE DID ALL THAT GAS COME FROM?!!

By the time we got home again, it said 14.

I dunno, maybe there's some logical explanation that, as a mere ignorant female, I just don't know about. But if there is, DON'T TELL ME!

You may call me a quack...and maybe I am...all I know is that we made it home with more gas in our car than we left with...AND OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!

Heavenly Treasures

For most of our married life we have struggled financially. Until about a year ago we received Food Stamps, but the government decided that Michael works too many hours and that we no longer qualify.

I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, and I hope you’ll understand that by the end of this.

I’ll tell ya. We’ve struggled. We’ve gone months without milk, we’ve eaten A LOT of Ramen noodles and A LOT of beans.

When Michael gets paid and we get our budget worked out and we realize that there isn’t enough to go around and we aren’t going to be able to buy our kids something we want to, it’s easy to get depressed and ask God where He is.

The thing is, God’s thoughts are infinitely higher than ours, and His ways are infinitely more wise than ours. He sees the big picture.

I love make-up. I would love to be able to buy high end make up. I go into Macy’s or Sephora and “ooh and ahh” over the beautiful colors and textures. At first I really wanted to buy those things and rationalized that the Proverbs 31 woman took care of herself...she wore nice things...so even if my family has to sacrifice...don’t I deserve something nice? The answer is yes. But I doubt the husband of the Proverbs 31 woman would have been so complimentary of her if she had spent their grocery money to make herself look nice.

I think that if I had the money to buy those things I would have missed out on something wonderful...the realization of what it means to place my treasure in Heaven, to value in myself what God values...and to not feel pressured by worldly standards of beauty that have no eternal value...and I can be the best steward of God’s blessings that I can, and if God thinks it’s important for me to have a $40 foundation...He’ll supply it without taking food out of my children’s mouths.

In the past year, I’ve made more things from scratch (which I feel more wholly nourishes my families bodies), I’ve gotten by on a very small grocery budget and I’ve found ways to be creative that I never had before.  Having to feed my family of 7, for three weeks, on $40 was a challenge...but I was truly blessed by that experience. I found a new depth of trust and strength that I didn’t know existed.

God has taught me what it really means to trust Him. To know that He will absolutely supply what we NEED, and that sometimes what I actually need varies greatly from I think I need.

He’s taught me that HE is the one from Whom all blessings flow and that I have nothing to do with it.

Most of all, He’s taught me that I matter to Him. That when I pray, He listens. And that even if I don’t know the solution, He does and He’s working it all out for my GOOD.

Open Doors

Maybe it's because it just recently started happening again...but I LOVE having doors opened for me. Anywhere. Anytime. By anyone.

I know it's silly and inconsequential...but at the same time NOT inconsequential. The fact that another human being...who is out rushing around through their day...would see me and for even a split second consider my welfare and take measures to assist me is absolutely consequential.

It's a perfect example of love without condition. The other person doesn't know me. He doesn't know that I nag my children or yell at my husband or try to control the world.  None of those things matter. He sees that I need the door opened and opens it. I walk through. I am thankful for a person that I don't know. I don't know what he does when he's alone, with his kids or on his income taxes. It doesn't matter or even cross my mind. I only feel gratitude.

A small act of kindness. No strings. No expectations. Only gratitude.

A Heart's Desire

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.

Don't worry...I'm not going to disappear to go looking for myself.

All of my kids are in school and I'm faced with trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah I know, I'm still a mom...and that is primarily what I'm supposed to be doing. But part of my job as a mom is giving my children wings, giving them opportunities to discover who God made them to be and where they fit in God's plan...teaching them to soar on the wings of eagles. And teaching is best done by example, right?


I'll tell ya, I have had a hard time thinking of something I'm good at. I've taken personality tests, read books and talked Michael's ear off.

I think that the hardest part has just been realizing that I'm not a mistake...that I'm not God's accident...that I'm not too damaged and sinful to be useful to God...that while I am still sinful, Christ died for me...and that He has set me apart for good works.

And, since I'm NOT a mistake or an accident (even though if I were...he could STILL use me!) He must have given me a gift.

According to the spiritual gifts assessment in Complete in Christ my most prominent gifts are prophecy, leading, and encouraging. I guess the next step is narrowing down how God wants me to use those.

I've taken other personality tests (Myers Briggs Personality Indicator says I'm ENFP/J) and read books (I'm almost done with Courage and Calling...which has been so helpful!).

So, what is my hearts desire? I've thought about this question almost constantly since it was asked of me (in Courage and Calling).

I've been a little discouraged at my lack of talent. I don't scrapbook, I can't draw...you name it! I'm either mediocre at it or completely inept! I'm just not good at anything tangible...and I'll tell ya...that's been a little frustrating. But...

I think my hearts desire makes sense of all of this. The thing I want to do most in the world is inspire, encourage and spark creativity in others...to help people reach goals that they haven't had the courage to try for. To give people a place where they know they are loved without condition, and where that love empowers them to follow Christ to a depth they hadn't known before. I want my life to be a love letter from Jesus. And I don't need to be a world famous soprano to achieve that...all I need is Jesus.

I don't have a specific plan for how to achieve this but I think that my spiritual gifts line up well (I think?). I've been praying that God will glorify Himself and adorn the Gospel with my life...and as I've been learning of late...the most successful plans begin with prayer and the knowledge that it is only through Jesus that I can do anything good.

A New Season

If you read blogs to learn something...this probably isn't the one for you.
If you read blogs to find fun craft ideas and new recipes...this probably isn't the one for you.
If you read blogs to benefit from the wisdom of others...this probably isn't the one for you.

If you read blogs to feel better about yourself and how tidy your house is and how well behaved your kids are and pretty much any other area of you life...BOY IS THIS THE ONE FOR YOU!

I don't really know anything worth sharing...except that Jesus loves you (and ME!:).

And even THAT you can learn from a children's song.

So I'm just gonna write. It may or may not be worth reading. I don't know. But I'm going to write. Without strings, hoops or expectations...I'm just going to put good vibes on the internet...and even if all it is is good vibes and God is glorified...I'll be happy with that.

Step One: Progress Report

I have successfully gotten up earlier for four mornings now. I haven't quite made it to my "goal time"...which is 5am...but I'm getting there.

The first morning I got up at 6:40....the second 6:20...the third 5:40 and today I was able to get up at 5:20. So progress is being made!

God is so good. I know without a doubt that this wouldn't be possible without Him. Praise God!

My Plan: Step One

Sometimes I think I can identify with Judas Iscariot. Being so overwhelmed by how sinful I am can easily lead to depression for me. I get so caught up in all of the numerous (as the stars) ways I've failed and how terrible my sin is and how that has affected the people I love the most that I can understand the despair that Judas felt that led to his death.

Even though it IS important to recognize and repent of sin, it is more important to recognize that I can't get bogged down in it. I don't have to. Because Jesus has set me free. He has set me free. He can/will change me. I know that. I've witnessed it over the past year.

This week when we met with the school officials to discuss the outcome of the tests they did with Caleb, I left feeling like a failure, and knowing that I needed to make a lot of changes...and in despair over the bazillion times I had made charts, graphs and plans and then failed to implement them.

Well, after several days, tons of Bible reading and sermons/lectures listened to, I feel better. My focus has changed.

I have to approach it one step at a time. I can't change everything over night. In fact, I've proven that I (on my own) can't change anything at all. I am completely dependent on God for that. So I am praying that He will glorify Himself through me...in making changes in my life...because changing me would be such an awesome fete that nothing and nobody else could possibly have accomplished it or could receive credit.

So it seems clear to me...

Step One:  First things first. Rising early to spend quiet time with God before my family gets up. I need this. It prepares my heart and mind to serve my family and it just gives me an awesome jump start to my day. I am NOT a morning person. So I'm definitely going to be in need of prayer!

Okay, so as part of my "Quiet Time" in the morning, I have decided to include some reading that will encourage and exhort me specifically in my "keeper of the home" role. I've made a list of books that I want to read that will keep me busy for a long time. I want to read them slowly so as to soak in as much "older woman" wisdom as I can. Have you read any of these? If so, what did you think? What books do you want to read? What books would you recommend?


These aren't necessarily in the order I plan to read them...

Shopping for Time
The Mission of Motherhood
From Clutter to Clarity
Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
Choosing Grattitude
Steady Days:  A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood
The Ministry of Motherhood
Practicing Hospitality: The Joy of Serving Others

Anyway, I'm saying all of this to say THIS, if you have time and remember, please pray for me before you go to sleep at night...for the strength to endure the first ten minutes of morning misery to give the benefits of it to my family and ultimately to bring glory to God.

Go Ahead and Think Outside the Bun...Just Do it Somewhere Besides Taco Bell...

So, at this point in my weight loss it's kind of inevitable that people notice. I've had people not recognize me. Mostly I get "wow! you look great! What are you doing?" And I have to be honest I'm a little perplexed about how to answer.

I'm not on a diet. I don't feel like I'm on a diet. Yes, I count my points and go weigh-in every Monday but I don't feel like I'm on a diet. So when someone asks me that question...I need to give credit where credit is due, but at the same time I don't want to be misleading.

I believe in Weight Watchers. But it's not for everyone. Weight Watchers and the people I've met there have helped me to cut the huge life changes that I need to make into bite size pieces that I can live with. It's not a miracle cure...it's a tool.

Not everyone thinks the same way, not everyone learns the same way. So Weight Watchers might not be the thing for you. I'm the kind of person that needs to have things broken down, a 'to-do' list with real, doable goals and tasks that will help me reach my goals. If I approach something in an unorganized way I get overwhelmed and eventually shut down. So Weight Watchers is kinda my thang.

Don't feel like you have to fit in some box to make changes. You don't have to eat brussel sprouts 3 times a day to be healthy. Figure out what you need and do THAT.

But whatever you do, don't approach it like a diet. Approach it like a learning tool/process. You're not going to have a personality transplant over night and suddenly only have the desire to eat brussel sprouts. If you don't like vegetables, don't make yourself ONLY eat vegetables. Make small changes that you can live with. Maybe add a veggie to whatever you eat at lunch...or experiment with different ways to prepare them and find something that you like and can live with. If you like mexican food...guess what?!?! salsa is a vegetable. I love to eat salsa with red bell peppers as a substitute for tortilla chips. If red peppers don't work for you, keep trying until you find something that does.

The thing is, there is no miracle cure. It's a day by day, hour by hour issue. But I do know this, if I can do it, anyone, and I DO mean ANYONE, can do it.

Parenting Kindergarten

Do you ever miss something obvious? Something you think you should have seen but didn't?

Like taking your kid to the doctor for a routine checkup and finding out they have a massive ear infection that you weren't privy to? I've done that. And let me tell you, I felt like a completely incompetent mother.

Even though I hate those moments and find them humiliating, I've learned to be thankful for them. It's humbling. And I need all of the humbling I can get.

I had a milder version of that today.

Going to the store is kind of a big deal when you have 5 kinds in four years. The first time I took them all to Walmart shortly after the twins were born, I learned how to fit five kids in a stroller designed for two. It was a memorable experience for me and most likely everyone who was there that day. The babies cried, errrrr...screamed, the entire time.

I have to admit that things have definitely gotten easier since then. But it's still difficult. Partly because five kids take up a lot of room...it's like taking five little mini tornados to Walmart...and so navigating the store presents a problem.

Well, today I was presented with an overwhelming trip to Walmart. I needed stuff for cheesy potatoes and fruit salad. I got to a point where I was really fed up, so to save myself some time I asked Caleb to go one isle over and pick out some bananas. He came back with exactly the bananas I would have picked. Since that worked out so well I sent him on another errand.

Since things were going so smoothly with Caleb I decided to test out the other two "big kids". Lilla picked out some strawberries, Nathaniel picked a pineapple.

My life got easier today...I learned something about my kids and they took pride in a job well done. It was the best Walmart trip I've had in years.

And I'm sitting here asking myself why I didn't think of this sooner. (ACtually, I know exactly why I didn't think of it sooner. I'm selfish and didn't want to slow down long enough to give them a chance. I've taught them how to pick out fruit but I didn't want to give them the opportunity to use their skills because it's easier to just do it myself rather than risk the extra time and aggravation it would take if they made a mistake. But they didn't make a mistake...they did exactly what I taught them to do...and who cares if they did make a mistake???? Me! Because I'm selfish!)

Fashion Tag

Okay, so I do not claim to be a fashionista. I'm just learning about all of this. When you are severely obese fashion isn't really the main concern...finding something to fit is...and honestly, I don't think I ever wore the size I actually needed to wear when I was at my biggest...and I'm learning that that is pretty typical.

So...I'm not doing this to claim that I know anything about fashion...it's just fun. Also I thought this would be a fun way to document the evolution of my style...as I'm sure that it will be changing more as I have more options do to my shrinking size.

1. How would you describe your style?
I think I would call it funky classic. Because I'm mostly pretty classic but I do like a little bit of funk in there too. OR maybe rocker would be more accurate...not sure.

2.  What are your wardrobe staples?
Okay, so I don't have a ton since I'm just starting my collection but...white tank tops...you know the kind mechanics wear??? I love them...I wear them all the time. Earrings are definitely a staple, I ALWAYS wear earrings...and usually they are of the big dangly variety. Also, a cardigan sweater since I'm not yet ready to bare my arms to the world.

3.  Most expensive item in your closet?
Um well I don't buy a lot of my clothes right now, since I'm still losing weight and I think it's kind of silly to make an investment in clothes I will, Lord willing, grow out of fairly quickly. So, as of right now, my most expensive item is the last dress I bought from Target...

4. Most Wanted Item?
Okay, so there are two...this white dress from Target. And these yellow heels. Not necessarily to be worn together.

5. Favorite designer. 
Valentino, Stella McCartney, Michael Kors and I'm not sure if this is a designer but I love Chanel.

6. What are your favorite places to shop?
Target, Macy's, H&M...I'm still intimidated by a lot of stores...I still feel like the pig in the room full of lady bugs.

7.  Favorite Fragrance?
Marc Jacobs Daisy

8.  Favorite way to do your hair?
I'm a big fan of the Lauren Conrad braid and messy bun thing.

9.  What is your go to outfit when you have no idea what to wear?
Um...I don't really have one...just one that doesn't cling to my fat, show a ton of leg (still self conscious about that) or draw unnecessary attention to myself.

10.  One Fashion trend you wish would come back??
Well, um, I"m a big punk fan...haha just kidding! I'm a big fan of anything from the 30s-70s so anything from any of those eras would ring my bell.

11.  Show us your most prized possession your wardrobe.
Okay, so I know this will probably seem ridiculous but I wanted this hat for months before I was able to get it. I'm still kind of self conscious about wearing but I do love it.

12. Tag people.
Okay, so I AM going to tag people but I don't want anyone who doesn't want to do this to do it. So if I tag you don't feel obligated!

Okay, so I tag...Sarah,
                         Tara
                         Lacey

And anyone else who want to do it. If you don't have a blog...do it on Facebook!