When I'm Not Feeling It

I'm not feeling very spiritual. I haven't been for the past few days.

I love God and I haven't lost my desire to love people as a result of that love. But I'm just not feeling close to God.

I know it's my own fault. But I kind of feel like when you can sense something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it? That's how I feel.

I know, I know. I'm using the word 'feel' and 'feeling' a lot and that's probably one of my problems. Because with a stinky thyroid like mine...sometimes I feel like I want to punch people in the face. But alas, I must restrain myself.

Maybe my whole problem is that I'm relying on my flesh to fuel my spirituality. Ugh.

Or maybe my hormones are just in the slump part of my cycle and in a few days I'll feel all sunshine and roses and singing in the streets again.

I guess I better feed my spiritual wolf...because right now it feels like the flesh wolf is winning and that's not a victory to be celebrated. Maybe that's the whole problem...I'm starving my spirit.

So, I guess I better go cook up a big roast beef dinner for my spirit.

Any good recipes or cheesy metaphors to inspire me?!

Sometimes I...

It's so easy to only show the positive side of things online...obviously we all want to put our best foot forward and we want everyone to think the best of us.

Yeah, nobody follows "the letter of the law" but I certainly want you to think I do. I want you to know all the good things I do and I want to hide all the garbage in my life. So, for the sake of really being honest and portraying a balanced (well, ya know) view of my life...

Sometimes I don't feel like unloading the dishwasher so I pretend I forgot to run it and run it again.
Sometimes I stop working out in the middle of a workout.
Sometimes I sleep in and let my kids watch cartoons on Saturday morning.
I absolutely would not want you to look inside my fridge right now.
I've been on day 24 of the FlyLady BabySteps for like two weeks now.
I pretty much only straighten my couch covers when someone is coming over.
I'm behind on laundry right now and I'm folding socks just in time for my kids to wear them.

And now...for your reading pleasure (or maybe not...remember how I said this is a blog to read if you want to feel better about yourself? I'm pretty sure a monkey could write better poetry...but hey...I'm putting myself "out there"...where ever "out there" is. I thought about writing Michael a poem...but then he really dislikes my poetry so it would be more of a present to NOT write him one! So I wrote one about the laundry.)

Ode to Laundry

Laundry you lie there

a cowboy at dawn
walking ten paces
gun swiftly drawn

You lie there and grow
like a bowl full of yeast
You smell and consume
like a big burly beast

Someday I'll conquer
this challenging foe
The floor in my laundry
refreshingly show

So I've Been Nominated for (Worst) Mother of Year (more like, Millenium)

So today is Michael's birthday. And since he's such a nice (or should I say manly? I've heard men don't like to be called nice or sweet...hm?? Where's Dr Laura when I need her?) husband I thought I should go out and find him something nice (err...manly?).

So I did. And then, just to torture him I TOLD him I did.

So I headed home and stopped at a fruit stand, on the way, to pick up a snack for the kiddos.

At this point I was feeling very confident...I'd get home in plenty of to pick up the house and get ready for the kids to arrive.

So I pull up into the driveway and see that the garage door is open.

We've had our share of thievery so my heart skips a beat at the thought of all of our kids bikes being stolen.

I stop and turn the car off and happen to look in my rear view mirror.  Across the street on our Elisabeth's little pink bike is a little girl (baring a stark resemblence to Elisabeth herself).

And then I remembered.

The kids had a minimum day today...which means they had been home for almost an hour.

I panicked and ran into the house...where the kids sat watching a movie as if there were absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. One was even DOING HIS HOMEWORK.

There are a million things that could have gone wrong. But they didn't.

God was definitely in my house today. I guess He must have figured that with a mother like me He better pay extra attention to these wild indians.

Oh and we have an ongoing battle for who can get the most pieces of ice into this particular cup...Nathaniel just beat mine...he fit 40 cubes into the cup!

Yeah, pretty sure that makes us redneck.

Lessons Learned (Errrr...LearnING)

I don't know the exact date or how long we had been married. I can't even remember the person or specific circumstance...but I can tell you the exact words that I said and Michael's eye opening response to me.

It's really pretty ridiculous and I'm embarrassed to share this with you...but for the sake of authenticity...I'm going to.

A few years ago, as Michael and I were leaving some social event, I complained to him that someone (most likely female so I'll probably refer to this person as a "her" even though I don't even remember who it was) hadn't spoken to me.

Now, I'll stop right here. We had been married for a while because I'm pretty sure that all five of our kiddos were in the car...so Michael had probably heard similar nonsense from me on too many occasions to count. I'm extremely over analytical and I am constantly looking for proof that people don't like me.

Anyway, in response he says (very nonchalantly) "well, did you talk to her?".

Okay, at this point I was in shock. I probably replied with something similar to..."are you taking HER side?" and then I'm sure I started crying and Michael wished he'd kept his mouth shut. I shudder at the memory.

I have to admit...I was completely shocked by the question. You mean, it works BOTH ways? They don't have to come to me?! And if they don't it's NOT necessarily a slight?!

Huh. Whooda thunk it?! I obviously didn't.

I don't know why this was so eye opening for me or why I had never considered it before. I guess it was just selfishness.

And even though I'm sure Michael doesn't remember asking the question or my resulting tantrum (do you remember each speck of sand?) I really appreciate him asking it.

While I won't say I've never felt slighted since...or been selfish in social situations...it made me aware.

It made me aware and much more compassionate because if I could be that ignorant about something so obvious then maybe when someone else does something thoughtless, or even rude, they are honestly just oblivious and they really don't mean anything by it.

It's made me much more optimistic in relationships. I spend a lot less time wondering if people like me and looking for the evidence either way. I assume (or at least TRY to!) of other people what I hope they will assume about me...because really...there are NOT enough hours in the day to analyze everyone's words and actions and love them too. And that's what I want to do...love people.

How to Know If you Should Skip Your Neighborhood When Trick Or Treating

I think in most neighborhoods there's one neighbor that lives to the beat of their own drum. Who lives outside of the pressure to keep their lawn perfectly manicured, and embodies the character "Pig Pen" in the general upkeep and appearance of their home, and general lifestyle. 

Well, in OUR neighborhood, WE'RE the ones. 

There are 7 houses on our block, and all of them have their lawn mowed by a certain "yardman" in a little rickety truck. He does every house on our block, except ours, and it's obvious.

So there's that. 

And there's Elisabeth.

Elisabeth is the incarnation of what it would look like if God used this recipe to make a person: a field full of wild flowers, aurora borealis, an awesome piece of music that you can't help dancing to, and a mischievous little puppy. 

Elisabeth picks our neighbors unripe fruit and flowers, climbs their trees and plays in their yards uninvited and unaccompanied. She leaves her toys in their yards so it looks like they have messy kids (none of them have kids...messy or otherwise), which totally ruins the look of their perfectly manicured lawn.

And she just got a bike. So all of this will be done at higher volume and frequency. 

She does all of this with a song on her lips, dance steps instead foot steps, in her princess dress of choice for the day and the make up look she chose and applied using permanent markers (that won't come off for at least a week!).

I DO try to keep a handle on her...but she's fast...and quiet. And I have a bazillion OTHER kids to distract me! Seriously, if NASA needs some help with their stealth research...Elisabeth is an expert.

So trick or treating in our neighborhood is kind of tricky. I'm kind of afraid the candy will be laced with Ritalin or something. 

Not really...we just encourage Elisabeth to choose a full body costume wherein she is unrecognizable.

:) I'm kidding about the costumes and ritalin. 

Her sweet little freckle face is the absolute cutest! And I love her so much. She makes our life more interesting and I wouldn't trade her for any other, less active and less imaginative little girl. 

                                                    Photo courtesy of Alisha Hurt Photography
And who knows?! I said that I would be open to anything and everything that God has for me. Maybe He's using Elisabeth to prepare me for a career in the circus. 

A Magic Mirror (Random and Shabby Attempt at Poetry #2 :)

Words rejected, hang in mid-air
He says I am beautiful but do I dare?
believe his eyes telling me so
crosswise, adverse from what I know
is painfully true and frightfully right
I walk rather quickly away from the light
Afraid he might notice, afraid he will see
the truth in my mirror, the plain that is me.

From Promise to Inception

When I'm reading the Bible sometimes the timing of everything gets all jumbled in my mind. I forget that not every single event is recorded and that sometimes years and years would pass between recorded events.

Sometimes I get impatient. I want God to change me NOW. I want to walk away from whatever bad habit I'm in and never do that thing again. But I think that this is just another manifestation of God's higher thought process.

Take Abraham for example. God promised him a son, something that, based on his knowledge of the world, seemed impossible. So he waited.

(this is the part where, if this were a movie...there'd be grasshoppers chirping)

He got impatient. He got impatient and he had a son with Hagar. And was surprised when God informed him that Ishmael was not the promised son. While God was busy getting everything together and working out his plan, Abraham became so anxious for the destination that he wanted to skip the journey.

Sometimes the journey is about more than just "getting there". Sometimes we need the journey to prepare us for the destination.

If, 140 pounds ago, I'd woken up one morning and was miraculously at my goal weight, what do you think would have happened? Most likely, I would have regained it all...because I didn't have the journey to learn the lessons I needed to prepare me for my destination. Because I'll tell ya, 140 pounds ago there's no way I could have gone on a cruise and LOST weight. There's no way that I could have gotten to Day 24 of the FlyLady Babysteps.

The struggles, trials and setbacks teach us perseverance...they make us long for the destination even more so that in the midst of the Valley of the Shadow of Death...we'll keep walking.

So, yeah, it's really easy to get hung up on the junk of this life. The bad habits, etc. And sometimes it's hard to see God working and I start wondering if He is...and I get discouraged because I have so many bad habits and I fall in so many ways.

I have to trust Him. He said that if I would trust Him, that He would make my paths straight.

God sees the big picture...he knows where ALL the roads lead. He's our compass and I can't get impatient and start thinking my compass is off...because He's never off!

My point is,

1. I have to trust God and persevere in that trust...don't get impatient.
2. When I take a little detour...don't waste time putting myself down or being depressed...look at where I went wrong and mark that road on the map so I don't take it again.

God is faithful and He has blessed me beyond comprehension. Praise God!

Supermom's Tool Belt

I've always been the sort of girl who runs around barefoot. I don't know, something about the power I felt when my feet hit the pavement and the freedom of grass between my toes. Yeah, I'm sure Jeff Foxworthy would call me a redneck.

Buuuuut....having kids does things to your body. And not just the outside of it.

I like spinach. SPINACH I TELL YOU. And naps. Oh naps...how I long for thee.

And in the past year, I have acquired a love, a very fervent love, for my tennis shoes. I feel powerful when I wear them...like ANYTHING is possible. It's like I've been given a compass and my very own private jet complete with pilot.

When I'm wearing tennis shoes and a pair of big, dangling earrings I can almost feel my cape blowing in the wind.

Who needs birds and mice when I've got my tennis shoes?

My Food Network Show: It's the Thought that Counts!

So, if I had a show on the Food Network...it would be titled "It's the Thought that Counts" and it would be all about how it's okay to make cakes that look like instead of cooling the cake and then frosting it, you shoved the baked cake and frosting into the blender and then formed it into a cake shape...because it's the thought that counts.

 
Today my sweet Lilla turned 7 years old.

I made the Raspberry-Laced Vanilla cake on the back of my cake flour box. It was sooooo yummy...but I would suggest cutting it in half...it's REALLY calorie dense. One eighteenth of the cake is 21 Weight Watchers PointsPlus...and I get 30 in a day.

Now, I am going to trust you with these pictures...because I am probably the worlds worst cake decorator. But I try...and I guess if it is really the thought that counts...then I'm okay.

Our At Home Science Experiment

So we've been looking for an extra curricular activity for Caleb. He's really struggled in school for the past couple of years and his self esteem has suffered a lot!

Michael and I are very hopeful this year though...Caleb hasn't been this excited about school since Pre-K.

At first I was going to put him into piano lessons. But in reading Courage and Calling I was made aware that that was MY regret about the past...and that it might not necessarily be right for Caleb. So I asked him what HE wants to do.

He got really excited and said he wants to do something science-y (my word, not his). So I've done research and found some really cool programs at places like the Exploratorium and The Discovery Museum.  I especially like what I found at The Discovery Museum...they have a robot building workshop...SO UP CALEB'S ALLEY! The only problem is...these places are around 90 miles away...and I really can't see us being able to drive up to Sacramento or San Fransisco very often at all.

So I decided to have our own little science workshop in our kitchen. So I did my research and decided that Chocolate Chip cookies would be our "experiment".

We learned A LOT! We decided to take the Nestle Tollhouse cookie recipe and tweak the ingredients to create the exact cookie we wanted...thin and crispy and perfect for dunking in milk.

We used 50% more baking soda to raise the acidity level of the batter so that their setting temperature would raise and cause them to spread more.

We replaced one egg with whole milk. Eggs fluff up and since we didn't want that...we replaced an egg with milk.

We also used more white sugar and lessened the brown sugar to decrease fluffiness.

And let me tell ya...we were absolutely successful. They are the best milk dunking cookies I've had!

Next up: Fluffy Chocolate Chip cookies and Chewy Chocolate Chip cookies

Five Little Elephants Shopping at Walmart

Leading 5 kids through "the Walmarts" is like leading a herd of elephants through an English Garden.

You leave a wake. :)

Not really...but I do think it should be added to the list of spiritual disciplines...you know...prayer...Bible reading...monkey herding. :)

Just kidding...I have to say it IS fun and very interesting...especially the looks on peoples faces when they say "Are those ALL yours?" and then I tell them yes! It's like they think I exceeded the number of kids that decency dictates!

And then there are the people who just send me a knowing smile...those are the best. Knowing that they know, they've been there and they are silently saying a prayer for my sanity does wonders for my soul.

I'm not gonna kid ya...there are days when I feel like I'm gonna go crazy...there's syrup on the piano, laundry piled to the ceiling, no clean dishes, underwear or patience anywhere to be had.

Those are the days I wake up thinking I've got it all together. Those are the days I fail to feed on the Word, pour my heart out in prayer or song, or recognize that all of this is for a greater purpose, and that I have been blessed and entrusted with these precious souls to mold and lift up to bring glory to God.

By the end of THAT day, God has set me good and straight.

(And I'd like to tell you, never to think I've got it all together again...but alas, that would not be true...Praise God for his mercy and grace!)