Adventures in Walking

I wrote this in August of 2011.

So I was walking along, oblivious to the world. Enjoying the evening--have I mentioned the evenings in Central California are the best evenings anywhere? Well, they are.

So I'm walking along, and a good song comes on so I get a little extra pep in my step....when out of the corner of my eye I see something running fiercely in my direction. I turn and see this GARGANCHUAN dog running at me.

Now, I'd like to stop right here to say that I have what I consider to be a healthy fear of animals. You will never read about me getting choked to death by my pet boa constrictor.

Also, I have a fairly nice sized knowledge of dog breeds and their corresponding personalities stored away.

With that being said...

I'm standing there and I see this huge dog...lips flapping in the wind putting his razor sharp teeth on display, its tongue hanging out, eyes all red and drooping and the skin around the eyes getting caught in the wind making the red around it's eyes more visible...very reminiscent of several sharks I've seen. All of that foreknowledge goes out the window. There is a dog running at me and all I can think of is PIT BULL.  I immediately start screaming.

Keep this in mind...all of this was happening whilst music was playing in my ear drum. So i have no way of knowing how grossly overboard the screaming went...but I can assure you...IT WAS LOUD...AND SHRILL. And probably unhelpful.

I'm standing there picturing the scene from Mark of the Lion where Hadassah is getting eaten by the lion. Yeah. Seriously, I'm picturing meat and bones and blood.

Not good.

All the while the dog is just prancing around me...obviously if he were going to eat me he wouldn't be so UNthreatening. And I realized it was some sort of boxer mix and NOT a pitbull at all.

So just as I BEGAN to realize the dog probably didn't have rabies and wasn't going to rip my flesh from my bones, I was starting to calm down and stop screaming, I realize there's a big, burly, long haired, long bearded scary looking man running toward me...WIELDING A HAMMER! To this I'm thinking...oh great...the dog was just to get me to stop now this huge man is going to kill me.

The man says something to me...and it finally occurs to me to take my earbuds OUT of my ears. So the man is telling me (while trying to wrangle the dog...who will not be wrangled) how the dog won't hurt me. And I'm like...yeah...thanks! I'm not really into taking safety advice from a big burly man waving a hammer around...but whatever.

Anyway, I said all that to say this:  I wasn't torn to shreds by a vicious dog.

The End.

Motivation to Keep Going Even When it Hurts

A few years ago, during my weightloss saga, I was very motivated to reach a certain goal. For weeks I had been inching closer and closer to it but not quite reaching it. So I decided that "desperate times call for desperate measures" and I stuck 40 pounds in a backpack and started out on the 6 mile walk home from church.

Even as I started out the weight felt heavy but I was pretty determined so I set out anyway.

For the first 3 miles or so I was able to distract myself from the heaviness. I focused on the sermon (on Romans 8) that was playing in my ear.

As I made my trek my shoulders hurt, so I would stop, set the backpack down for about 30 seconds and then return it and continue on my way.

Each time I sat it down though, it became harder to pick it back up. The shoulder straps on the backpack--that was made so sturdy that they were willing to give us a lifetime guarantee--began to tear.

The weight on my shoulders made it difficult to even remain upright...putting one foot in front of the other required a concentrated effort.

I just kept thinking of what it would feel like to reach my goal. And so I kept going.

I stopped taking breaks because it required too much energy to lift the backpack off my shoulders and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it back onto my shoulders once it was off. The backpack kept hitting me in the lower back and it got painful enough that I put my hands there to keep it from happening.

I was miserable. But I kept going...

...until I made it to the 5 mile mark. I walked to a safe spot to wait, I took the backpack off of my shoulders and I called Michael and asked him to pick me up.

I had rub burns and bruises on both my shoulders and a deep bruise on my lower back where the backpack had hit me.

Even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I felt good about it.

Setting goals is powerful. Setting a specific goal kept me going long after I would have stopped if I didn't have one. I endured way more pain than I would have tolerated if I didn't have my goal to focus my mind on.

I love setting goals but I think that breaking them down into smaller daily or weekly ones is important. The smaller goals work toward the bigger ones and the victories from the smaller ones keep me motivated to keep going until I reach the bigger one. My mind being focused on what I can do TODAY keeps me from getting bogged down in how far I still have to go.

The cool thing is, even though I didn't make it the whole 6 miles, I reached and even surpassed the goal I had set. So I chalk that up as a win. :)

Thief of Responsibility

Up until about 8 months ago I was completely convinced that all, 100%, of the problems in my relationships were my fault. I believed that I had either created the problem in the first place, or I had made it worse.

Either way--my fault.

I had spent the last 8 or so years examining my relationships and taking ownership of the problems. And definitely a large portion of those problems were mine to own...but I was taking ownership of everything, 100%. And as I changed, things DID change so I took that as confirmation that I had been the problem.

But even as I worked so hard to change, by God's grace and through His power, some things didn't change.

I would go through periods of deep depression out of frustration and despair because I just hadn't changed enough to fix all the problems. I questioned whether I had actually changed at all or if it was just my imagination or pride. And I began to question whether it was even possible for me to change. Like maybe I was just a Saul or Judas or Pharoah. And that led to a lot of questioning God and being angry. All of this even though I had clearly changed.

So last September I became desperate and reached out for help. I began counseling and going to Celebrate Recovery and working the steps and principles. And I've spent the last 8 months coming to the realization that everything is NOT my fault.

While my actions have and do affect others, I am not 100% responsible for the problems in the world. Or even MY world. If it can't be fixed by ME changing--it probably isn't and never was my fault.

I have to own my own actions but no amount of fixing ME is going to fix someone else. And fixing them isn't my responsibility or even within my realm of control.

In some ways this is a huge load off. Not having to take responsibility for other peoples actions and feelings is a weight lifted from my shoulders.

But it also means that I can't fix all the problems in my life. God can fix me if I'm willing to surrender but no amount of surrendering on my part will fix anyone else. I have to just pray and trust God with other people.

So when something happens or someone lets me know that there's a problem, I can assess the situation, own my part, ask for forgiveness if necessary and not take responsibility that isn't mine to take. Because taking other peoples responsibility robs them of the opportunity to grow.

Yes, my actions can trigger someone to sin. And I am responsible for not provoking my brothers and sisters to stumble and I should avoid it at all costs.

Yes, other peoples actions can trigger me. I am responsible for setting boundaries for myself and communicating them to protect myself from sinning (that seems to be what Jesus is talking about when He says, if your right hand offends you, cut it off). It is also my responsibility to NOT sin even when provoked. I fail on that account.

The thing is, knowing that my words and actions are about me, and only me, has set me free. Because the same thing applies to other people. Other peoples words and actions are about them. Not me. "Hurting people hurt people and free people free people".

So what does this look like in my life?

1. My depression is almost non existent.

2. My relationship with Michael is much more peaceful.

3. I'm a better mom. I didn't even realize how much all of that responsibility affected me as a mother. Yelling has reduced to...well...it's a rare occurrence.

4. I can trust the wisdom that God provides and I can tell myself the truth based on that. So I can take responsibility for my actions when needed and feel confident when things truly aren't my fault.

When I started this process, I thought I would be fixed at the end of my step study. I'm not. But I have learned a ton and I am equipped for growth.

I am thankful and I am ready to continue the journey.

10 Good Recipes

1. I have a special fascination with recipes that proclaim themselves the "best". And I'm always on the lookout for a good vanilla cake recipe.

 I love cooking and baking from scratch. I usually have the ingredients anyway, I enjoy the process and I like knowing exactly what's in my food. :) Also, cake made from scratch tends to be more filling so the eater doesn't eat as much.

The problem is cakes from scratch, particularly vanilla ones, are more prone to both ingredient and procedural error.

 So I have been on the prowl for a good recipe for a long time. I recently tried this one and it's our favorite so far. I also made the Marshmallow Frosting but I probably won't again. It LOOKS beautiful! And it tastes okay but marshmallow cream as frosting isn't our thing. Although I might use that recipe for recipes that call for marshmallow cream. Cause, from scratch. :)

2. I've been making this recipe for years. It's kind of become more of a formula for me. I vary up the ingredients. Sometimes I use taco season in the meat. And sometimes I add in some veggies and sometimes I use potatoes instead of rice. Pretty much however I make it, it's pretty easy, cost effective and my family enjoys it!

3. These are very much like Cheez It crackers. You have to get them pretty thin though so they will be crispy. They are good if they're thicker too, but they are more crackery if they are thin. I like to roll them out and cut them out into fun shapes.

Also, it HAS to be sharp cheese. Anything less than that is kind of bland and ends up being something else entirely.

4. I absolutely LOVE making these graham crackers. They are soooo good and sooo easy to make. I also like cutting these out into fun shapes!!!

5. I love creating my own recipes. I love researching other recipes and finding out what each ingredient does and then making my own recipe based on the result I want to achieve. And that's what I did with these granola bars!! We love them!

6. This is the recipe I learned to make homemade Refried Beans on. I don't really follow the recipe anymore, I've kind of made up my own version and I do it different every time. But these are delicious!!!! My kids would probably eat them every day.

7. Cheeseburger Soup. Do I need to say anything else?! It is really delicious. This is another that I kind of just use as a base now. I've added all kinds of other veggies and I've used cream cheese instead of sour cream and it's all delicious!

8. Okay. This one has a lot of ingredients. The bacon and onions and stuff make everyone in my house turn into ravenous zombies.

I didn't use spanish onions, I used ruglar onions. They might have been Spanish, and they might not have been. We don't discriminate. We believe in affirmative onion action. :)

 I also use frozen corn from Costco. It's the best frozen corn ever. It tastes fresh off the ear! And I don't have to do the work to get it off the ear.

 I only use about half of the heavy cream. I use some Sour cream and some cream cheese to make up the difference. And I just put it in until it tastes good and the texture is right. And did I mention I only make this when there's company? Cause that's a lot of creamy stuff and it's super good and if I made it just for us we'd all eat our weight of soup.

I actually made it this way the first time I made it because I didn't want to spring for all the cream. But the next time I made it I made it straight and it wasn't as good.

9. This Chicken Pot Pie recipe. Here's the thing, I've made this with the homemade crust before and I've used store bought crust...either way, it's amazing. I've used frozen veggies and I've used fresh...either way, it's amazing. I usually add potatoes. I use prebaked ones just to make sure they get done...cause nobody wants to bite into an undone potato!

Oh, and I don't remember ever using the wine. Although I may have. But I know I haven't used it a majority of the time because we don't keep it. Either way, amazing!

10. Okay, so our kids LOVE waffles. Honestly, I'm glad because I'm not a good pancake maker. I don't know why. Anyway, this is a good basic recipe. I've varied it up and added things and they are always good!!

11. Did I say 10? Well since I shared a cake recipe, I need to share a frosting one, right? Well, I love this one. I don't always want to take the time to make it, but it's really good if I do. Here's the thing though, I have never been able to get regular granulated sugar to work. I use the extra fine granulated sure and I have been successful with that. I've also used powdered sugar and that worked too...even though the recipe says specifically to NOT do that. :)

This frosting is light...it's not rich like buttercream is. It's particularly good on chocolate and Red Velvet cakes.

There you go! What are YOUR good ol' standby recipes?!

The Best Cure for Writers Block

At some point in my school career one or more of my teachers addressed the issue of "writers block". They advised us to sit down and just start writing something. Anything. Just write whatever popped into our heads--no matter how silly--and eventually we would be able to write for our assignment.

I still take that advice.

Which is why I just wrote out the lyrics of What's New, Pussycat?

Yes. Yes I did.

Annnyyywayyy.

For a long time I have felt a strong desire to deal with the sin in my life. Beyond just willing myself to stop doing it and failing over and over again. Somethings I had kind of learned my lesson on and stopped on my own--like lying, being passive aggressive and gossiping. But I still needed growth.

I was struggling in a lot of other areas and didn't know how to get to the root and actually deal with them. Most people don't talk a lot about their stuff. I really tried to but people just didn't seem to know either.

I prayed about his a lot.

Well, back in September, one day I just got an overwhelming urge to go to Celebrate Recovery. I contacted a friend who could give me the scoop about times and stuff and decided to go that evening.

It was a little awkward at first. But I decided to trust that God would use it to work on me.

A few months later I began a step study, and our last meeting is this coming Monday.

The funny thing is, I went in knowing that I had a lot of struggles but over the coarse of the class the list of things has actually grown. Not because I've regressed but because I've learned that a lot of things that I thought were good and healthy, actually aren't.

I have learned so much and looking back, I see God's hand.

There are a lot of changes in my life since then.

I am learning to be a really safe person. It's instinctive at this point to NOT repeat things--even when the other person didn't ask me to keep what they said in confidence.

I am learning to deal with conflict in a healthy way--without being passive or ignoring the problem.

I am learning to process my feelings so that I don't act in character defects and sin.

I am learning to walk in the spirit instead of my flesh.

I am ultimately learning to have a deeper relationship with God. To be dependent on Him instead of codependent on others. To rely on Him to fill my needs and not other people or things. To place my self worth in Him and let Him define me and not my works or other peoples opinions. To believe and listen to His truth instead of Satan's lies.

I am so thankful for the people that God has brought into my life to lead me into a deeper relationship with God and make me more like Christ!

How I Became a Rock Star...for about 30 profound seconds

A few years ago I ran a series of 5ks. During one particular race, after all of us runners had been dispatched to the starting line, the event coordinators gathered the spectators (mostly friends and loved ones of runners) around a bend in the course and instructed them to cheer as we passed through. 

We had no idea (or maybe I was the only one who didn't know) until we turned the corner. Turning that corner felt like the oxygen in the air turned to pure love that sat on my skin, permeated my crevices and intoxicated me. The closest thing to Heaven on Earth that I've experienced.

As I ran through the throng of people clapping and cheering me on, David Crowder sang How He Loves Us in my ear. 

I love Hebrews 12. I love that the writer spent the eleventh chapter reminding his/her readers of all the deeply flawed people who lived out their faith and accomplished God's will despite their sins and struggles. And then he/she says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so easily, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Every time I read those verses, I think of that race. I think of all the preparation I did. I think of how sweaty I was and how labored my breathing was. And I think about how beneficial it was for me and how glad I am that I did it.

As I run my spiritual race, I find myself holding onto "weights" and "sins". They are heavy and they really do hold me back while I'm running. So I'm in the process of shedding them. And while I am less encumbered in a lot of ways, in some ways I haven't made the progress that I would like.

So whenever I feel discouraged I read Hebrews 12 and I think of Samson, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, my Grandma Permenter and Jesus himself standing on the sidelines cheering me on as I run my spiritual race. I imagine turning that corner and seeing all of their faces...having been exactly where I am...and hearing them call out my name, raise their hands to high-five me and encourage me to keep on keeping on. My eyes refocus on Jesus and it's like a breath of fresh air, a burst of energy. I correct my running form and pick up the pace.

On the Eve of My Son Becoming a Teenager

Tuesday I will become the mother of a teenager. It seems so strange to say that. I am way more emotional than I thought I would be. I'm not really sad that's he's growing up, I guess it's just that I'm thinking of all the things I want him to know and all the things I wish I had said and done or at least done better.

In some ways it seems like yesterday that Caleb was born. And in others, it seems an eternity away. I feel like a completely different person.

I was 20 when Caleb was born. 20 didn't seem extremely young then, but now, thinking that if Caleb has a child at 20, I could be 7 years away from being a grandparent...20 seems incredibly young. I still feel like a fraud on Mother's Day. I can't imagine becoming a grandparent in the next ten years. But it very seriously could happen.

The next few years are going to be really important. I don't know what they'll bring, but I know my God. 

 From a fleshly standpoint, I want him to have friends and be successful. I want him to go to college and get a good job and marry a nice girl, if he wants to, and have some kids and never have any problems.

But my spirit knows it can't be that simple and wants God to wreck him. Because I would rather him have Jesus than a degree. I would rather him be a disciple of Jesus (in the true sense of that) and lead a life of poverty than be distracted by this world and the things it has to offer. I want peace for him, but I want the peace that passes all understanding. I want God to do whatever it takes to mold my son into the image of His. 

The things that that could mean are scary. And they might be painful to watch. But I know that God is good. I know it. And I will spend a lot of time on my knees.

I have no delusions that he will be sinless. But I am thankful that Michael and I are learning to put away our sins and I pray that we do and our kids will see that and know that when it comes time, we can help them with theirs.

I just love him so much and I just want Jesus for him. I want him to seek God with all of his heart. I pray that in the next few years, God will direct my mothering steps and send people into his life that will lead him there.

The Day I Witnessed Superman Being Clark Kent

I think that super hero stories have their roots in the sometimes magnificent transformation a man can make from home to work.

My brother is super quiet around people he doesn't know. But the first time I witnessed him excel in a sales position in a department store...it was like he had stopped in a phone booth on the way to work and transformed into his super hero self  It was like he was a completely different person. He was confident and FRIENDLY. HE WALKED UP TO COMPLETE STRANGERS AND STARTED A CONVERSATION.  

Maybe they're super heroes at home and turn into their super nerdy alter ego when they are at work. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, it's pretty neat to witness.

Michael is an IT contractor for an international law firm in downtown Dallas. He keeps the lawyers computers and other technology working properly so they can serve their clients thoroughly.

I don't usually get to see him "in action". In fact, I guess I've never really seen him at work before. Which seems weird, but it's true. But with his current position, he takes a week out of the month to be "on call"...which means that lawyers all over the world call him for help with their laptops and smartphones. So he gets calls at all hours. 

I have to be honest, I didn't know where Abu Dhabi was until this weekend when he had to get up in the middle of the night and go to his office to help a lawyer practicing there. 

Anyway, so last Friday night he got a call from an irate lawyer who was locked out of his computer. This man is dropping F bombs and poop euphemisms like they were bread crumbs leading him to the Promised Land. Michael patiently listened and then calmly and confidently affirmed his feelings of frustration and then redirected the conversation to finding a solution. Over. And over. And over again. 

I was totally impressed with how professional and kind he was to this man. I got to see Superman as Clark Kent or maybe it was Clark Kent as Superman. Either way, I got a little glimpse of the other side of the magic...and I am in awe. :)

Itchy Armpit

(I couldn't come up with a title so I asked one of my children to provide me with a title. Thus, Itchy Armpit :)

Our family endured through 6 years of public school.

We made the decision two years ago to bring our oldest son home for schooling. The public school system was not working for him and honestly, I was done trying to make it work.

Gradually over that school year we brought two more of these wild indians home for schooling. And while the two who remained in public school were doing well in that environment, we decided that home schooling is best for our family right now.

Am I saying that our kids will never go back to school? No. I don't know what the future holds. But for now, we're happy with the decision we've made, and here's why...

1.) They have more free time to learn. WHAT? Yes. They read and research and play outside. They spend some time in book learning but it takes them a few hours and then they have the rest of their day to do chores, do internet research on a topic of their choice, do crafts, go to the library or visit the Perot Museum.

2.) I like being able to do stuff with my kids. I love that they are with me all the time. I love that if a friend is moving, I can load up my minions and help out. I love that if we decide to take a vacation, we can do it while everyone else is in school. We're going on a cruise in September because we got a super great deal...we wouldn't have felt free to do that if they were in public school.

3.) I want my kids to be free to learn the way they learn best. IF they need to do a round of burpees every few minutes to keep them focused on their work...they get up and do burpees every few minutes. I can find literature units on books they love. I can adjust their work load based on how their brain works...I tell Elisabeth to do 2 problems instead of 20 and she ends up doing them all anyway. It's just hard for her to focus when she's overwhelmed. I love being able to do that.

4,) I want my kids to understand that it's okay to be different and to think differently and to do things differently. God didn't make us all to be the same. Different does not equal wrong.

A Mother's Day Tale :)

I was born in a little "Indian" clinic in Cuba, New Mexico--a little town about 80 miles northwest of Albuquerque. We didn't actually live in Cuba. In fact, we didn't live in any town at all. We lived in the (literal) middle of nowhere...they hadn't even run electric or telephone lines and we didn't have indoor plumbing. My parents moved there to do mission work.

My favorite picture of my mom (which has mysteriously disappeared) is one of her standing over a washboard scrubbing clothes...because in 1982 they didn't have electricity and thus no washing machine. They had put the washboard on the tailgate of a pick up truck so she wouldn't have to bend over her swollen belly. The best part of the picture? The enormous smile on her face.

You would have thought that a pregnant woman, living in the middle of nowhere, who didn't have the most basic luxuries (like using an indoor bathroom instead of an outhouse) that all of her friends had  would not have many reasons to smile. But she did. Because what we have and where we live does not determine who we are or our level of contentment. It's a heart issue.

What I do with what I have won't change when I have more. It's a heart issue. If I can't be happy living in the middle of nowhere, with no electricity and no indoor plumbing then I won't be happy with a mansion on a hill and a flushing toilet. It's a heart issue.

Sometimes I moan and bellyache because life isn't easy or because other people's lives seem easier than mine. But you know what? It's the hard moments, the crunch times, the days where I just don't understand how I'm gonna make it through that change me the most. Those are the days I'm the most happy and thankful for in the end.

I can say yes to God with what I already have and then approach the situation with a sense of adventure and watch as God blesses me with creativity and a learning experience...setting me up to be better prepared in the future...OR I can dig my heels in and resist every inch of the way and be just as overwhelmed the next time.

Tough decision?! It shouldn't be, but it is for me. Because it really is a heart issue. One that I'm praying for and submitting to God to change.

God is good!!

Answered Prayers

So, I get a lot of questions and comments from young moms about how overwhelmed they are with whatever number of kids they have and how they don't know how I handle 5. I typically say something like I don't handle it well and that having 5 isn't much different than having 2.

But that isn't true. I've believed it when I've said it, but it really isn't true. When even ONE of my kids goes elsewhere it feels like a mini vacation. Regardless of how well behaved the kid is or how well they get along with their siblings. I really do love being with my kids. Please don't take this to mean that I don't.

I love my kids. I'm so glad they're mine. But I can't help thinking that I wish they had a better mom.

I have not been a good mom. Someone really should have called CPS on me. For real.

I was not emotionally or psychologically healthy during my childbearing years. On top of that, after Lilla was born I developed my thyroid issues and was barely functional...and I was so unhealthy in the first place that I didn't even realize I was sick. My thyroid was overworking so much that my muscles began to break down...the body was not made to function in constant 'fight or flight' mode and bad things happen when it does, If I was sitting on the floor it was EXTREMELY difficult to stand up. Walking or any activity for any length of time made me nauseated and sick...I literally threw up from doing normal every day activities...the way I would from a difficult workout.  The massive amounts of adrenaline pumping through my body constantly (from the over producing thyroid) made it extremely difficult to sleep, which presented problems of it's own. I went to the doctor once and my resting heart rate was 200. I was laying down and my heart rate was 200.

I was literally a mess. I needed help. But I was too unhealthy to ask for it and nobody knew to give it...so I didn't get it.

I eventually got the medical help that I needed but it was years before I was 'normal' again. Things gradually got better and better. Through many different avenues God has done so much work on me. It's really amazing and mind boggling to think about what my life looked like 10 years ago versus how it looks now. It's DEFINITELY not perfect, there is a lot of room for improvement, but it's better.

Recently, God has brought a lot of the darkness in my life out into the light. I've come to realize that there really isn't something wrong with me like I've always thought there was. I'm not inherently evil. And everything bad that happens in my life isn't, and never has been, my fault. I've come to recognize a lot of unhealthy behavior that I had always thought was healthy, both in myself and in others. And I've come to understand the root causes of my particular sins, addictions and unhealthy behaviors.

And sadly, I've come to understand that some relationships just can't ever be what I want and need them to be. Other people face their own problems and issues and sometimes, for whatever reason, the damage done to them renders them incapable of giving me what I want from them. And I need to stop expecting the relationship to be different or keep thinking that if I could ever just be a good enough person that things will change.

I've said all of this to say that the culmination of all of this is a lot of prayer. I pray on a daily basis for my kids and my husband. And lately, I've been asking Him to teach me how to love my husband and children and how to be kind and pure and self controlled and a manager of my home. And to give me relationships with older women who can teach me these things.

And you know what? He's done just that.  Over the years and through many different people. This past Saturday I attended a training seminar at my church for a women's ministry that will begin in the fall. It's based on Titus 2 and it's designed to be a structured environment where the older women and the younger women can get to know one another, the older women can teach the younger women the things they need to know and offer them the support they need.

BOOM! Exactly what I've been praying for!!! God is sooooooooooooooo good. Isn't he?!

It is stinking amazing how God works. He is so good. I am so thankful for His grace and the work He's done in my life to take the utter mess that I am and change me into something better...all for His glory!