I Love Peter!

Peter is one of my favorite disciples.

I was just reading the Gospel of John. Jesus has just finished telling the disciples to love each other as He loved them.

And then Peter speaks up to ask Jesus where He is going. Jesus tells Peter that he can't follow Him now, but will later. Peter says

"Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."  Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times."

We all know what happened. Peter denied Him. Three times. Just like Jesus said he would.

This time Jesus' reply really struck me. I imagine that Peter recalled Jesus' question when the rooster crowed. "Will you lay down your life for me?" I wonder how many times he thought of that moment throughout his life. I imagine it crossed his mind when he was being nailed to his own cross. But that time he replied with a resounding YES! Not with his tongue as he had previously been keen to do, but with his life.

I think it would have been amazing to witness the transformation of Peter. From the nervous talker who denied knowing Jesus to the dedicated Jesus follower who preached Jesus.

It's just a beautiful picture to me. Not that Peter denied Jesus, but that even though he didn't get it right that time, he eventually did.

I love Peter because he reminds me of what God can do in my life. He reminds me that where I am today is not where I will always be. That even though I say stupid things, completely miss the point and get caught up in peer pressure that God can use me, He can accomplish His will through me. He can and will change me.

These sins and character defects that plague me will eventually be gone. Not completely in my earthly life. But enough that my life won't be about them anymore. Enough that my life will be so full of Jesus that they will have to kill me to end it. But even if they do, it won't be over. I'll just praise Him somewhere else. :)

More Questions than Answers

I wonder if Leah ever felt loved? I wonder if she regretted tricking Jacob into marrying her?

Laban probably thought he was doing the right thing. Maybe Leah did too. Or maybe Leah just did what her father told her to. 

Jacob was a decent guy. He honored the commitment he made. He cared for her needs. He gave her her fair share of bed sharing. But I wonder if she ever regretted what she had done? 

I wonder what went on in her head? Did she long to be loved? Did she long to be chosen? How on Earth did she live a happy life always knowing Rachel was the chosen one? Rachel's children were even preferred over hers. 

Honestly, until the last few years, Leah was probably my least favorite too. But I have grown curious about her.

Maybe she was a much better woman than I am. Maybe she coped well and was content with her life and husband. 

Ultimately God used it all for good. And I doubt that she cares about being loved by Jacob now. But I wonder what she would say if I could have her over for lunch and a chat?

Serving by Being Served

I'm not a super gifted person, but a few years ago as a result of a spiritual conviction and a true desire to serve, I thought long and hard of what I could do. Finally I decided that I could serve pregnant mothers with older children by cleaning their homes so they could rest.

With a timid heart but the courage of my convictions I made a list and approached each one.

All of them turned me down. They all seemed offended.

I was crushed. I felt rejected and frustrated.

I don't really know the psychology behind why THEY did this, but to be honest, I've done the same thing.

I was taught to not ask for things...to not "bother" people. And so my first instinct is to do things myself...even if I can't or I need help. Most of the time it doesn't even enter my mind that I CAN ask for help or that I should. I typically just tell myself that if I worked harder that I wouldn't need help. So I put my head down and barrel through.

But I'm learning to say 'yes' when someone offers their help. God is teaching me that it's okay to need help. It's even okay to accept help even when I don't think I need it. It's a part of His plan. It's actually how His body is designed to function. We need each other. 

If nobody will allow anyone else to serve then how will anyone fulfill the call to serve?

The physical body has the ability to give and the ability to receive. If all my hands could do was give things away, I would eventually run out of things to give and I would never receive things I need (like money, food, etc.)...I would die. It's the same with the spiritual body. Our spiritual body is not meant to just give. It is meant to receive. From God and from others.

Even Jesus received "help" from others. He borrowed a room to observe the Passover in, and He allowed Mary to anoint Him with expensive perfume. Can you imagine if Jesus had jumped up and said "It's okay! I don't need to be anointed. Thanks though!"

That perfume could have been sold and the money given to the poor, as the disciples pointed out. I mean, Jesus was all about helping the poor, right?! But instead of rebuking her, he defended her. He said she did the right thing.

And then He rebuked Peter when he tried to refuse Jesus the opportunity to wash his feet.  Jesus was the teacher. It makes sense to me. Thinking of someone I respect doing such a menial task for me seems out of order. But it's not. It's the Jesus way.

The Jesus way is serving and being served. There is a time for both. Both require humility.

The most spiritually uplifting thing that has ever been done for me is allowing me to use my gifts to serve. Even if someone else could have done a better job or was more equipped.

I feel certain that those mothers didn't mean any harm or discouragement. I feel certain that Peter had good intentions by refusing to have his feet washed. But Jesus still rebuked him.

Being the receiver is not a negative thing. Allowing me to scrub your toilet isn't a negative commentary on your housekeeping skills. It is an act of service to someone who doesn't have much to give.

Saying yes when someone offers their help is an act of service as much as offering the help in the first place. Both are a part of God's plan.

Future Plans and Goals

Throughout my adulthood I have struggled to find anything that I'm good at.

I finally admitted a few months ago that, thinking as honestly as I can, I think God gave me the talent of writing. I'm still open to realizing that I am wrong, and I'm not saying I'm Shakespeare or Emily Dickinson, but I think He gave me words. 

So back in March I decided to commit to writing regularly and posting to my blog 2 times a week. And I have kept that commitment. I'm offering my "not enough" to God. 

But even though I think God has compelled me to write, my talent and knowledge of how to do it properly are limited. And so, for His glory I have desired to improve my craft. 

I've spent the last month or so diligently studying writing and I have come to the conclusion that one of my biggest issues is with editing.

Basically, beyond checking for spelling and blatant grammatical errors, I don't do it. Every thing I've ever published on this blog has been a first, or rough, draft. I sit down, I write and I publish.

I held the mistaken belief that good writers don't have to agonize over the order of words and that whatever came out first was as good as it was going to get. But I have since learned that even famous writers of classic novels rewrote and revised their work heavily. Hemingway rewrote the last page of A Farewell to Arms 39 times. Crazy! 

And so, I think my best course of action is to take the pieces I've already written and give them proper editorial attention.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle to continue to publish twice a week. I have several options but I haven't finalized a plan of attack. I may just share the edited versions for comparison purposes.

But I just wanted to let anyone who might be reading this know that things are going to be changing around these here parts. Hopefully for the good. 

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my rough drafts and for being so kind about them!

Here's to better writing ahead!

I'm Not Who I Thought I Was

Have you ever wondered which part you would play in the story of the Good Samaritan?

I have. And until recently I would have said that I would have been the Samaritan.

A few days ago an older (read:wiser) woman expressed some frustration at the lack of initiative and responsibility that people around my age, in the church, take for their "neighbors" who aren't already in their circle of friends.

As a result, I sort of came to the realization that I have played the Levite or priest role.

 I've seen people sitting off by themselves and passed them by. I've noticed that someone wasn't at church but didn't bother to check on them. I've assumed that since their wheel wasn't squeaky that it didn't need any grease. But I didn't bother to get to know them well enough to learn to recognize the sound of their squeak...so they may have been squeaking and I just didn't recognize the sound.

I've kept to myself when I should have reached out. I've stayed huddled in my own little world instead of seeking out other kingdom dwellers who need connection.

The thing is, isolation is a tool of Satan. He is a lion, prowling around looking for someone to devour.

Lions don't pick out the sheep that are close to the shepherd. He picks out the one who is alone. The one who is isolated. The one who got left behind or who wandered off.

He is lying. 

He's saying that I'm not good enough, that my house isn't clean enough, that I can't say the right things and that I should just leave things to someone else who can do them better.

He's deceiving with social media. 

He's isolating me by fooling me into thinking that I have real connections with people on social media. These connections satisfy my deep soul need for community just enough that I'm willing to live with the shallowness of it so that I don't have to actually open my life and my heart.

I only share carefully edited and closely cropped snippets of who I am.

I know a lot about people, but I don't really know people. I know what they ate for dinner but I don't know what they whisper in the uncaptured and unstaged moments they spend on their knees. I know about their latest Pinterest project but I don't know about the chaos just outside the bounds of the creatively cropped pictures of utter perfection. 

I need to make time and put the best interests of my neighbors before my own. Even the ones that I don't know and don't seem to have a lot in common with.

I need to get to know people regardless of whether I think their needs are being met or not.

I need to stop assuming that someone older or wiser or more skilled will do it. There are enough "neighbors" to go around.

I need to stop comparing what God has given me to what He's given others. It's just my job to plant or water, it's God who gives the increase. I don't have to worry about what happens next. All I have to think about is offering up what I have.

There's no famine on God's grace. It is limitless and relentless. There's more than enough to go around.

So who are YOU in the story of the Good Samaritan? 

I Quit

I'm out of breath. And sweating like a...pig. I don't know, do pigs really sweat?

Anyway, I have challenged myself to work out for 100 days in a row. I just completed my third day.

I started a work out tonight and about a third of the way through I wanted to quit. I actually turned the video off.

It was hard. It was the weight lifting portion and I really just wanted to throw my weights at the guy on the screen telling me we weren't done yet.

The thing is, I always regret giving up. Always. Every. Stinkin. Time.

I don't recall ever wishing I hadn't finished something.

The things I regret are the things I was too afraid to try or the things I was too lazy to finish.

So I asked myself the questions I've learned to ask when I feel like quitting.

1. What will it look like if I quit? How will I feel tomorrow when I think about this moment? What will it feel like to have to start over next time, knowing I quit this time?

2. What will it look like if I keep going? How will I feel when I'm done? What benefits will I receive if I persevere? What will it look like and how will I feel when I reach the goal that this difficult situation is working toward?

And I turned the video back on and finished the work out.

It feels amazing to finish something hard. To be able to ponder the complexity and the adversity and to know that I finished anyway in spite of those things. Not only does that feel amazing but it's an amazing opportunity to see God working in my life.

I know that working out isn't some major spiritual battle, but for me, it kind of is. It's discipline. It's me training to do hard things. It's me working through something difficult simply because it's the right thing to do. I might not feel like it and I may not want to but it's the right thing to do.

And I'm thankful that I didn't miss this beautiful moment where I got to see God's mighty power working through my weakness.

I love 1 Peter 5:6-11.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

I especially love verses 9 and 10. It's so comforting to know that people all over the world are having the same kinds of struggles that I am. And that the God of all grace is going to restore, confirm, strengthen and establish me.

But I have to keep going. If I quit I rob Him of that opportunity.

Persevering doesn't mean I don't pray my way through it. I've prayed my way through many work outs (as well as many way more important moments).  It doesn't mean that I put my head down and barrel through. Persevering means exactly the opposite. It means that I humble myself under the mighty hand of God. It means I cast all of my anxieties on Him. It means I acknowledge the presence and work of the enemy.

Life is full of hard choices and difficult moments. Those hard choices and difficult moments build character and construct hope (Romans 5).

God is there in those hard choices and difficult moments. Just. hold. on.

After a while, "the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

How and Why I Stopped Yelling at My Kids

I used to be a yeller. Well, I'm mostly not a yeller now. Sometimes I catch myself yelling and I have to apologize, ask for forgiveness and start over.

I yelled because I was overwhelmed. And to be honest, yelling is what I knew. And sometimes (way more than just sometimes) I just felt desperate and in way over my head and wanted my kids to listen to me. I thought yelling was better than spanking because there was no chance I would spank them out of anger and cross the line.

Even though I wasn't physically harming my kids, I hated myself for doing what I was doing to them. I could tell the screaming and yelling bothered them. It scared them. (to be clear, I know that there might be an occasion where yelling is the right thing to do...like when they are about to run into the street, etc)

It was abusive.

Yelling at kids isn't an effective parenting technique. They might listen in the moment but it is damaging. Most, if not all, psychologists call it emotional abuse. And I know from experience that it has long term consequences.

Have you ever heard another mom yell at her kids? I have. It's shocking. And eye opening.

It IS possible to not yell. It IS possible to break the habit of yelling. Moms don't have to yell to get their kids to listen. Speaking to them respectfully and backing it up with proper discipline will go way farther than yelling.

Solomon tells us that a "soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word sturs up anger". And Paul tells us "do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord".

If I'm training my children to love the LORD and I do not allow them to inappropriately express anger (through yelling, hitting, etc), but I am provoking anger in them by speaking to them in a harsh way or yelling at them...what kind of message does that send them? An inconsistent one.

There is a time and place to be angry. I'm not saying that I should never get angry. Even Jesus got angry. What I am saying is "in your anger, do not sin".

When I really got serious about stopping the yelling, I could not imagine a time when I wouldn't yell at my kids. But every. stinkin. time. I did it, I confessed the sin to God and to my kids and I asked God to help me stop yelling.

And then I went to counseling and learned that I could, in fact, change.

I went to a Celebrate Recovery step study where I learned to communicate in a healthy way. And I learned that my yelling is about me and not about the marker on the wall or the massive mess in the living room or the broken (fill in the blank) or my kids just not listening to me. It. is. about. me. My responses are about me, not my kids. And so I take a deep breath and I remind myself of that fact. And when I actually do that, I don't fly off then handle.

The thing is, I still mess up. Way less often than when I first started, but I do mess up.

The important thing to me is that my kids see the difference. They know I'm trying and that God is changing me.

And that's the thing, bad habits usually don't get broken over night. They take time. And grace. So much grace. 

Change is possible. God is good and His power is made perfect in my weakness. Praise Him for the work He has and is doing in me! Every good thing in my life is from Him.

Something Worth Fighting For Vol. II

Our marriage started out sick. And the longer we went on, the sicker we got.

 Until the healing began.

Except, when the healing began there was no immediate relief. Healing wasn't instant and miraculous. In fact, we realized that we had been sicker than either of us even knew or was willing to admit.

It was like becoming wounded in the forest. I see the wound and do my best to use my first aid kit to dress it. So I clean it and put a bandage on and then begin to find my way out of the forest. When I finally get to a hospital, the first thing the doctor does is take off the bandage. The bandage served a purpose but true healing can't begin until that bandage comes off. The doctor can't even see the true nature of the wound when it's hidden beneath a bandage. So he peels it off. It's painful but it has to be done.

After the bandage came off I realized that the wound was way more serious than I even knew. And the doctor is shocked that I'm alive. It's sort of a miracle.

It's like God allowed us to have a bandage over our issues and their affect on our marriage until we were ready for true healing. And then he ripped it off, and the wound was way deeper and massive than we knew.

And I can't believe we lived through that and are still married.

For a while I was kind of cynical. I couldn't stand to read things about marriage because I was so angry that I had read all of those books and blogs and tried so hard to implement the things they said and my marriage was still a mess.

The thing is, spicing up our sex life or writing him sweet notes or making him his favorite meal isn't always the answer to the problems in marriage. Sin is not addressed by lingerie and compliments and food. If it were, then we wouldn't need Jesus. But we do. Desperately. 

And sometimes keeping my mouth shut and just submitting more is not the answer either. 

There are a lot of amazing books and blogs and articles about marriage. People should definitely read them. But if there is unaddressed sin, it should be dealt with. Not covered up. Not coped with. Not whined about to my family and friends. Dealt with. 

But not in a self righteous all-of-our-problems-are-YOUR-fault kind of way. In a I'm-just-as-flawed-as-you-let's-both-get-help kind of way.

For us it started with going to counseling and Celebrate Recovery. Both allowed us to talk about our issues openly and to find accountability and real help in dealing with our sin.

Am I saying we're healed? No. I'm saying we're headed in a good direction. I'm saying God is working in us and for us. I'm saying there's hope.

I'm saying that this marriage thing is worth fighting for.

Raising God Pleasers Instead of People Pleasers

I've spent a lot of my time as an adult doing things to please other people. Or earn their favor. Or manipulate them into giving me what I need.

This behavior is a result of my misunderstanding of my relationship with God and with other people.

It's called codependency.

I held the mistaken belief that if I just did the right things, in the right order, at the right time and with the right people...if I could just get all of that right God would love and save me.

But guess what?! It doesn't work that way. I'm never going to do all the right things in the right order at the right time and with the right people all the time. And I might not even pray for every single specific thing that I do wrong and God still loves me. And His grace still saves me.

My salvation is not based on how many prayers I say or how often I read my Bible or doing the right things and not doing the wrong things. It's based on my faith and God's grace.

It doesn't matter who approves of me or not. I'm living for God, not other people.

This shift in my belief system has changed the way I parent. I base my decisions as a parent on how they will affect my childrens relationship with God and how they "see" Him.

I love them based on our relationship. On who they are. Not how they perform. I want my kids to do the right things because they are right. Because it glorifies God. Not so other people will notice and compliment them. If they get compliments...awesome. If not...awesome. It's not about performing.

My feelings for them don't change based on how clean their room is or how many compliments or complaints I get on their behavior.

What other people tell me about my kids might affect future teaching but it doesn't affect how I feel about them. Because God's opinion of me doesn't change based on how others feel about me. He knows my heart. So when someone complains to Him about me, they are not giving Him new information. And since He knows my heart, I don't have to worry about Him believing something that isn't true about me.

And that's how I interact with my kids. Except I can't actually know their heart. But I weigh what I know about them against any new information I receive and proceed accordingly. I want them to live their life thinking about what God wants, not what other people want. I want them to live courageous lives for God because they depend on Him and His approval and aren't always performing to receive compliments or approval from other people.

I just want them to give the appropriate weight to the opinions of other people. Even mine. If my opinion or what I want them to do ever contradicts what they believe God wants them to do...then I hope they go with what God wants and ignore mine.

The bottom line is, I want my kids to depend on God, not other people for the things they need. And I want them to be secure in God's love and live for Him and His glory. I want them to be like Paul and run the race that God has set before them for God and God alone.

Can you imagine all the things that Paul would have done differently if He were overly concerned about what other people thought of him? I daresay his ministry would have looked a lot different than it did. And not in a God glorifying way.

The thing is, I'm still struggling with my own issues with codependency. I still find myself looking to other people for the things that only God can supply. And feeling hopeless and wondering whether I matter to God at times because I fail so constantly.

So I read God's word and I am reminded of the truth. God loves me. He forgives me. And He accepts me. Regardless of whether other people do.

Death to Self

I'm a slow processor.

I'm a really good person to have around during a crisis or emergency because I don't freak out at first. My brain goes into hyper drive and my body kicks into gear. I usually do the grunt work that requires little or no talent.

But then when all of the work is done, it's my turn to "freak out".

I'm also a slow processor when I learn something new. Some times it just takes me a while to organize new information in my head. And some times I need a picture. I need to know how the new information will or should affect my life.

This is never more true than with scripture.

For years I've been mulling around the idea of "dying to self" or to "deny self". What does it mean? What does it look like? How will it affect my life? Can I do that? Or maybe the real question is 'will I do that?'

Well, I'll tell ya, I'm not a great Bible scholar. I'm just a girl with a Bible and books and the internet. So, in my limited understanding I'll tell you what I've learned.

I've learned that dying to self is a continual process. It is an hourly, daily, minute-by-minute decision to put God and others before myself...to deny my self centered impulses and desires and elevate Christ and HIS desires (and thereby others) in my heart.

One of the things I get hung up on is expecting complete and utter change over night.

I'm not going to wake up tomorrow as an entirely transformed, dead-to-self person because I decided to be one today. It takes time. And while I'm in the process, Jesus' blood covers me. So God sees Him instead of my deficiency.

As I continually make the decision to die to myself and live for Christ, the desires and impulses of my flesh will hold less and less weight in my heart until they eventually hold none.

So what does this look like in my life?

Well, I've been praying for God to give me a vision (or idea) of what it will ultimately look like. And He has. For now, it looks like me getting up in the morning and acknowledging that God is in control and keeping Him and His vision always before me. And trusting Him to complete the work He's begun in me. It looks like studying and meditating on the life of Jesus and His teachings. It looks like practicing self denial as I go about my daily tasks to encourage new habits during "crunch" times. And it looks like praying for God to "work in my inner being to change the things that keep me from obeying His Son" (Willard/Simpson, page 80).

I have to admit, I'm a little afraid. I'm afraid of what I might have to give up and what He might require of me.

I know that God is good. I believe that with all of my heart. He's proven Himself faithful time and time again.

So even though my flesh is afraid, I'm deciding to trust Him anyway. I choose Him. I choose death. And I'm trusting that He will show me the way to true life in Him.

References:

Galatians 2:20
Luke 9:23
Romans 6
Colossians 3:3
Matthew 16:24-26

Revolution of Character by Dallas Willard with Don Simpson

An Open Door

Twice every week I hit the publish button on this blog. Rain or shine, good times or bad, feast or famine.

Most of the time I do it reluctantly. "Why would anyone read this?" "There are a million people who could write it better." "I should just go hunt down an article about whatever I've written about and share that." 

But I hit the button anyway because I trust my God. And I want Him to have what He's blessed me with for His own glory. When He comes to see what I've done with what He's given me I want Him to know that I DIDN'T bury my one talent. I want to give it my all so that it will grow and give Him even more glory. Not because He needs it but because He deserves it and I want to give Him all I can.

Lately I've been feeling frustrated. I know I need to improve my writing and I know that to some extent just writing regularly will do that. But I want to learn, I want to soak in knowledge. I want to be taught. I want my offering to God to grow. I want to give Him the best that I can possibly muster. 

I also don't want to get ahead of God. I want to receive HIS blessings in HIS timing. I want it to be all for His glory and not my own. 

Sometimes I'm tempted to do that. Sometimes I am like Sarah and I don't see God working and I decide to figure it out myself and implement my own plan...only to realize that my plan has nothing to do with God's and it was all a terrible idea anyway. 

So I've been writing and publishing faithfully for the last 4 months with my eyes and ears open. Watching like a hawk for a sign from God. Not seeking anything out, just watching so I'd be ready if God presented a door for me to walk through. 

And a friend told me about Compel. It's basically exactly what I've been looking for. For a monthly fee I can become a member and receive assignments and feedback and training and teaching and...oh so much! I just can't believe how exactly what I've been looking for it is!!!

I think I may have found the door. 

The prospect of getting to really work on my writing skills in a way that works for my family is super exciting! I know that God will provide if this is truly His plan for me.

It's really hard to wait sometimes. Sometimes I really want to go out and seek out what I'm looking for and force something to happen, but I'm so glad every time I DON'T do that.

God really is good. His gifts and His timing are so worth the wait!!!