4 years ago today, the kids and I carried all of our earthly possessions and set them in our driveway for Michael to pack into the trailer. We had planned and schemed for over a year.
Somehow we had the money and the time seemed right.
We moved to CA when our kids were 5, 4, 3, 15 months and 15 months. I was 25 and . . . barely alive. Physically and mentally.
We needed to get away. A fresh start.
I think the most significant thing that happened while we lived there is that I really and truly gave my life to Jesus. I stepped out of my denial and admitted how messed up I was and how I had completely messed up my life. I realized that my brokenness was all I had to offer and I gave it to Him to deal with. I learned that He wanted that all along.
That eventually brought our family to Texas. Irving. Older women. Spiritual counsel. Celebrate Recovery. Bible study. Confession. Better mom. Transformation. Growth. Learning. Layers of onion peeled back. Festering, gangrene-esque wounds cleaned, dressed and healed. New ( but really, old) wounds/bad habits exposed.
Sadly, some relationships didn't survive all of this. I'm sorry about that and I pray that someday there will be restoration.
But for now, I'm working on my relationship with God. Resting in Him, getting to know HIM and making THAT relationship my priority...gaining all of the approval, pleasing, loving that I have sought from people for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooog time, from God. Allowing Him to show me who He made me to be and all the ways I have buried that in an effort to make myself into someone other people could like/love. Believing all the while that I couldn't be someone that people like/love because of my inherent vileness and unloveable/unlikeableness. Manipulating people into giving me what I need. And then walking away feeling empty anyway.
I don't want that. I want to be filled with all of God's fullness so I never walk into a room feeling like I'm on the outside looking in again. So I can stop looking for love in all the wrong places.
Like a baby being swaddled, I've kind of pulled all my limbs in close. Being quiet and letting God hold me. Seeking God first. Trusting His transformation and wisdom.
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| 2 days before my 30th birthday I got purple streaks put into my hair. |
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| Uriah and Elisabeth playing in the Pacific. |
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| Lis and Lilla participating in an AHG ceremony. |
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| Lilla got her tonsils taken out when she was 5. |
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| A soccer ball cake I made for one of Caleb's birthdays. Nailed it. ha!!!! |
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| My 30th birthday party. |
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| On our way to CA in 2007. |
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| At the beach in San Francisco |
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| Family selfie in 2009, I think. |
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| Birthday dinner probably in 2009. |
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| Halloween 2010, I think |
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| Halloween 2010 |
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| Christmas 2010 |
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| Michael was going to work and school, both full time. So I was a single parent for 3 or 4 years. Back to school night with all these wild indians. |
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| They wore daddy out 2011. |
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| Me in my helmet! |
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| Michael in the motorcycle gear. He rode his motorcycle to work and school, rain, shine or freeze. |
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| 2011 |
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| Easter, 2011 |
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| Family picture 2012 |
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| 2011 |
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| 2010 |
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| My cozy little kitchen for almost 7 years. |
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| My softball days. All five of the kids sat in the stands cheering. |
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| Summer 2011, I think. |
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| Easter 2013 |
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| 2012 |
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| Bible Bedtime |
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| 2010 |
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| 2008 |
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| 2009 |
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| 2008 |
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| 2012 |
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| 2012 |
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| 2014 |
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| About to give his first speech. 2013 |
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| 2014 |
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| 2012 |
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| Right after we moved back to Texas August 31, 2014 |
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| July 2009 |
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| 2012 |
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