Spiritual Appendicitis

I’m convinced that no parent is perfect.

Sure, as with anything else, there are those who excel, seem to naturally embody the ideal. But most of us weren’t able to receive this, or give it. Even when it looks like Leave it to Beaver, it rarely is.

Grappling with my own limitations as a mother, I have wondered - why are some families able to forgive and heal, while others find the only way to love is from afar?

It seems that some families are satisfied in simply not talking about the bad things. They move forward and have a satisfactory relationship without ever bringing it up. The relationship might not be as fulfilling as it could be, but it is satisfactory enough to justify denying the pain and avoiding the confrontation.

I’m not one of those people. I need to process, to be honest about my part and how I feel so that I can move forward in the relationship untainted by the ugliness.

From observing, reading and continued thought, I believe the answer is in the ability - or not - to listen, accept and acknowledge what happened. Not blanket - ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you’ or ‘I did the best I could’ - apologies but real acknowledgement. Listening with an openness that can only be present when I love the other person more than my ego. When the desire for the relationship overcomes my fear of shame.

I practice this in my relationship with my kids, even now. Emphasis is on the word ‘practice’.

When I feel accused, and heat begins to rise in my gut, when the response comes automatic, when my mind desperately searches for a defense - I take a deep breath. Remind myself that it’s okay to be wrong, that this relationship and the person standing before me is important to me. More important, ultimately if not in the moment, than saving face, being right or playing the victim.

I ask myself, ‘do I want my pride or this relationship?’. The answer is always the relationship. Even with the pain of confronting my own sin. It’s worth it.

The pain of an appendectomy relieves the pain of appendicitis. Both hurt. One is an indicator of illness, the other is the cure.