Forgiveness, or Denial?

I felt coerced. Unfree to say no. 

When I was asked for forgiveness, there was nothing to say but yes. If yes is the forced response, can it ever really be true? 

When our kids were young we went through a childrearing course a couple of times. One of the things they taught is that when an apology is due, the perpetrator should ask for forgiveness. For a long time, we practiced this as parents and taught our children to ask for forgiveness as well. 

Until we learned that making amends, or apologizing, should be done without expectation from the person I have wronged or hurt. When I thought about the times that I have been asked for forgiveness and realized that I never felt free to ask for time to process or to say no, it became clear to me that requiring the person I have wronged to say they forgive me is inappropriate. And if there is no room for saying no, then the forgiveness is either a lie or coerced . . . both of which render it impotent. 

Forgiveness is a gift. It can't be earned or coerced. Trust is earned. Forgiveness is done independently of the perpetrator. An apology or amends is helpful and right in a lot of circumstances, but forgiveness is not dependent on either one. 

Trust and forgiveness are often mixed up. Trust is earned, forgiveness is a gift. Unearned trust is not forgiveness, it's denial. Equating forgiveness and trust is dangerous, and requiring trust (while calling it forgiveness) without earning it is manipulative and unequivocally disqualifies the demander of being trusted.  

A good apology recognizes what I did, how it affected the other person and what I hope to do differently in the future. This requires premeditation about what I did, why I did it and how I am going to work toward a different action going forward.