I have read a lot of 'how to be a good wife' books. They have helped me to varying degrees, but either the content of the books or my perception of them led me down dark paths of despair when I followed the instructions of the book and didn't get the result the author promised. I'm not going to reference any specific books, because I don't want to disparage a book that might be helpful to someone else, with another set of issues and character defects. The thing I wish that I had done differently is talked to a wide variety of older women, particularly ones who had dealt with the same issues themselves.
Without further adieu, here are three lies I learned from 'how to be a good wife' books:
1. Men are simple. As long as they are fed and have plenty of sex, they are good. Maybe some men are simple, but believing this led to a long journey of me being diligent about fulfilling those two needs and feeling utterly devastated when all of our problems were not solved. Michael is every bit as complex as I am, with needs beyond food and sex. He has a need for conversation, feeling safe in relationships and non sexual physical touch among other things. Men are human beings too, with complex histories, family relationships and thoughts.
2. If I'm not happy in my marriage, it's all my fault. Yes, it's not my husbands responsibility to make me happy, but I wasn't happy in my marriage because there were very real, wrong things in it. When I reached a pit of despair I shared those wrong things with other people and they helped us deal with them. Deciding to be happy in the middle of what was happening in our marriage was like sitting on a dung heap and talking myself into being happy instead of getting off the dung heap.
3. It's the responsibility of wives to keep their husbands attention and it's the responsibility of other women to not draw it. If you want to know what the Bible says about how men should delight in their wives you'll have to do your own study. I will say this: it doesn't qualify any of it with how the wife looks. Years ago I lost a bunch of weight, at several points other women said things like "I bet your husband is all over you now". I smiled and replied in the affirmative, but this confused me. Our sex life didn't really change. For a while I thought there was something wrong because his desire hadn't increased to any noticeable degree, and these women seemed so sure it had. But apparently I just married a good man. Michael has loved me at all shapes and sizes. Am I advocating for spouses to let themselves go? No. But I am saying there is more to desire and attraction than what media and porn would have us believe.
Secondly, while I believe it is my responsibility to dress modestly, I believe it is also the responsibility of men to control their own eyes and minds. None of us get to live in a world devoid of temptation. It's each of our responsibility to flee from that temptation. Men can decide where their eyes and minds go. They are human beings who are capable of controlling themselves. Believing that other women bore responsibility in my husbands ability to keep his eyes and mind to himself created an unfair resentment of and competition with other women.
Changing what I believed about all three of these things has freed me up to delight in and have compassion for my husband. It's also given me the freedom to check my own self, deal with my own stuff and for him to do the same.
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