Picking Up the Millstone

 Once again, I feel burdened by the weight of it all. The questions about whether I am loved or safe or worthy. 

I didn't notice the moment I picked it up again, but at some point I realized I was carrying it. It isn't as simple as just setting it down again, sometimes it is a process. A routine I've done a million times before. 

I used to think growth meant 'happily ever after', that once I grew and learned what I needed to learn that I would never struggle with the same thing again. 

Alas, I am 44 years old and the only thing that is really clear to me is that is not how growth works. 

Spiritual growth is very much like being a new body builder. You experience massive gains at first, but as you become a seasoned body builder, the visible and massive gains slow down. It becomes more about tweaks. The same things remain important: nutrition, form and consistency but the outcome changes.

Spiritual growth seems to be like that. At first there is a massive shift, a 180 degree turn, but as I live a spiritual life the gains become less visible and trackable. The same things remain important: spiritual nutrition, form and consistency but the outcome shifts. I struggle with the same things over and over, I just get a little better, go a little bit longer without doing the unwanted thoughts or behaviors, spend less time making the mistake and discover my error sooner.

There are certain beliefs that I am prone to revert to. One is that I am unloveable, and that nobody, including God, loves me. 

It feels like a millstone around my neck. At various points in my life I have set that millstone down. But just as often I have felt exhausted and burdened, only to discover that at some point I had picked that millstone back up and am carrying it around. I am oblivious to the moment it began to weigh me down. I suspect it happens a little bit at a time, but I'm still in the process of learning when and how it happens.

Seeds become planted in my mind, and then I allow them to be watered and they begin to bear fruit. 

For now, I notice, I set it down, take a deep breath and enjoy the rest.