Being Vulnerable...and Transparent

When I was growing up in the Central Valley of California we lived on a half an acre or something. We had a huge garden, a swimming pool, ducks, rabbits, chickens, several dogs, cats and a separate building that my dad (who is a preacher) used as an office.

He had so many books and didn't want to take up all the wall space with bookshelves so he created a maze of books in one corner. It was like a square enclosed in a larger square with books on all sides. The room also sported a large white board for my dad to work out sermons on.

I would lie in wait until I knew my dad was either gone or busy elsewhere and I would sneak out there to put together my own sermons and then preach them to my imaginary audience.

I don't remember any of my sermons but I remember that it was one of my favorite things.

I've always felt a little weird about being a girl. Really only in a spiritual context because I have been drawn to things I was taught are wrong. Like teaching the Bible in any forum besides one on one or "disciple"ing anyone. I'm not sure if I was taught this or if it was just implied (or maybe I misunderstood) but it was iffy for women to talk about spiritual things at all...if there was a man anywhere in the vicinity it was better to just leave it to them.

I'm not criticizing this belief system...I'm sharing information.

(I want to stop right here and say this. I am completely open to being wrong on any topic. I will not defend myself or be defensive. If I'm wrong I want to know it. If my heart, beliefs and actions can't stand up to criticism or a difference of opinion then something is wrong. I'm done defending myself as a reflex.)

I don't have any desire to "preach" in the public assembly of the church and I would not be okay doing that anyway. But I do think that I have a lifelong passion and desire for teaching the Bible and discipleship. When I take spiritual gifts tests...those are the things I score the highest in. I have absolutely zero desire to teach math or science. It's specifically spiritual things. And it's so strong that I just wonder if God put it there. I've really felt like I was a man in a woman's body because of this, I've wondered if somehow it was some sort of birth defect that I was born a girl instead of a boy.  I've always brushed these desires and inclinations off as something that could never happen and should never happen because it was wrong.

I no longer believe that.

I'm not saying I should be teaching anyone or mentoring anyone right this second. Maybe I need to take more time to grow spiritually before I take any steps in that direction. Or maybe this isn't what God really has planned for me at all. I don't know. Maybe I score high in those things because I want to do them and not necessarily because I am or could be good at them.

I'm just putting this out there because I've been seriously thinking about what I'm doing here and I think this is it. I think that maybe this blog is an outlet for this part of me. Not that I think I'm really teaching anyone anything, I think I've made that clear. But it's a place where I can share thoughts. I can talk about spiritual things without bothering anyone. Whoever wants to read it can, and those that don't...don't have to.

I'm not sure what will come of sharing this information. I might lose some friends or be written off as a lost cause. I don't know. But it's out there now.

It's really too bad that I can't recall any of my sermons. But maybe sermons are like songs...if you write one and it doesn't get stuck in your head it's probably not a good one. :)

How I Know God Is Good

We're back.

Souls fed, hearts full, skin brown.

We stopped to play in the Gulf of Mexico before heading to our boat. This is life with five wild indians. Beautiful. But messy too.
 
Our first day on the boat. It was just starting to get dark. Can you tell how excited we were to be there? We counted down 214 days. For a while it felt like it would never get here. But it did.

We got to eat lunch with this view! God is an amazing artist!

 Michael took advantage of the water slide. I think he enjoyed it more than the kids did!

One of our favorite things was the "Dive In Movie". There was a big screen above the pools and you could sit in a deck chair or in a hot tube or the pool and watch the movie. We got to see Avengers 2, Inside Out and Cinderella! All movies we had been wanting to see! Soooo much fun!

This picture does not do the beauty of it in person justice. It took my breath away. God is awesome!

They were so excited to be able to say that they had been to another country!

Playing on the beach in Cozumel.

And how we got to the beach in Cozumel. We rented a jeep that I'm pretty sure really only seats 4 people. But we stuffed all 7 of our hiney's in this jeep. Probably not a good choice. I found it kind of ironic. It was kind of a running joke at my high school that at lunch we would count how many Mexicans got out of a car. It was amazing how many people they would stuff into a car. It was like Mary Poppins pulling stuff out of her carpet bag. 

Obligatory shot in front of the ship. :)

I was lying on the beach in Cozumel when I felt something brush against my foot. I looked over to see this sweet little baby sea turtle making it's way through the sand. 

We loved getting to sit down to a nice dinner every evening. We chatted a little with the elderly couple in the background. They were celebrating their 48th anniversary. They were so sweet to our kids. Nothing wins my heart like people loving my kids.

This was in Progresso. At a little restaurant on the beach. Michael and the kids swam in the ocean while I guarded our stuff and sat in the shade. 

Our kids discovered prank calling and found great delight in it. But only between our room and theirs. Michael got them pretty good once by putting on an Indian accent and claiming to be Guest Services. :) Their prank calling skills improved significantly over the 5 days. Of course, when you start with "This is a prank call! haahahahahahahaahaha" there isn't far to go to improve. I want to reiterate that they only prank called us. :) 

Isn't God's creation beautiful?! I took both pictures because I thought the first one with the storm in the distance was so metaphorical and the second was just breathtaking.

This is Uriah utilizing his dance skills. The serving staff did dances for us every night and Uriah enjoyed helping them out. He's a little Fred Estaire. I mean, he really is. He picked up the dances like a pro. And then there's Elisabeth. Special in her own way! :)

Our whole family really enjoyed the family friendly comedy shows. We went to two. This one was an
improv one like Whose Line Is It Anyway? Michael got called up on stage and it. was. hilarious!!!! Technically this picture is contraband. Lilla was quick to inform me after I took it. But since I already took it...:/

We had so much fun. It was so refreshing. I literally didn't think about anything but the 7 of us and the moment we were in the whole time. It's like the whole world outside of the 7 of us just disappeared for a little while. But we are back now, and we are ready to hit the ground running. Everyone is ready to get back to work and school and the daily grind. We are ready to face life again. God is so good to us! Several times during the cruise I looked around at my little family and just thought about how blessed I am and how good my God is.

You know what's amazing?! Seeing my kids being good kids when I'm not there to "make them" and they don't know I can see them. THAT MY FRIENDS is how I know that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He is totally and utterly good.

Vacation

Our family is taking our first real vacation. We are super excited!!!

I am taking a complete vacation from my blog and all social media starting today through next Saturday, September 26. I am not going to fulfill my 2 publishes for next week. I will continue to write but I'm going to focus on my family and taking a soul retreat.

I hope you all have an amazing week!!

Comfort as an Obstacle

I've always considered myself to be blessed to be born in the United States. I've sat and pondered why I would be allowed to live here when so many others aren't.

I've also always considered myself blessed to be born in the time I was born. Thinking about some of the things that women have had to endure over the centuries...and some still do...is horrifying. But I live in a place and time when women are relatively free. I can wear whatever I want whether it's a burka or a bikini. I can divorce my husband if I want to for any reason I see fit to. I can drive through the drive thru for dinner. I can choose a career. I can be whatever I want to be...including a man. 

Women have never been free-er. 

But I'm starting to wonder if all of this freedom and the state of American society is really the blessing I've always considered it to be. 

I think that because my life has been pretty comfortable, it's easy to be lukewarm and/or spiritually lethargic. It's easy to blur the lines between godly and worldly. It's easy to mistake the American Dream for following Jesus. It's easy to see corporate worship as a routine drudgery when the only obstacle to me being there is the voice in my head telling me I could just sleep in. 

It's easy to forget that all good things come from God when I'm working my behind off for a house and a pool. It's easy to forget that there are people in the world who can't even fathom a pool, they don't even know where their next meal is going to come from.  And it's easy to forget that life isn't about climbing the corporate ladder or the house I live in or the car I drive...or even that pool. 

The thing is, just like everything else in the world, this is not a new-to-us problem. The Israelites had a similar problem. 

Just as they were about to go into the Promised Land, God warned the Israelites to remember where He had brought them from and what He had done for them. He knew that once they got into the Promised Land that they would be so comfortable that they would be tempted to forget and turn to other gods. So He warned them to remember and to tell their children.

That's the thing, I have to constantly be reminded. All of this, my very existence is from God. Everything I have is from God. And most importantly, my salvation is from God. He plucked me out of the clutches of Satan and Hell and hid me in Christ.

In all of my comfort and all of my freedom, I cannot forget. The American Dream and any other aspect of this world isn't the context of my life. My job, my house and my family are all enveloped in the context of Christ. Jesus is the context. He is the source from which everything else flows. 

This life has it's challenges, just like any other. Because some things are easier, others are difficult and sometimes hard to spot. Comfort can become an addiction and an obstacle to living out and even recognizing Jesus Kingdom. When I value my comfort over my or someone else's soul...it's a problem.

Yes, I still feel blessed. I appreciate my life and the freedoms it affords me. But I also recognize my own propensity to take things for granted, to forget and to lose my way. God has been good to me and I'm thankful for the reminder!

Thinking About My Thinking

The deadline for fall submissions to (in)courage closed this morning. I didn't submit anything. It just wasn't even on the radar of things I've been thinking about.

I'm not afraid of repeated rejection. I just don't think that's what God has for me right now, and I'm not going to force it. If God gives me something to say, I'll write it and submit, but for now He hasn't.

That's a recent commitment I've made...if God opens a door I will thankfully and faithfully walk through it, but I'm not going to build my own. Unless all the materials for the door show up on my doorstep and it becomes clear that He intends me to. 

I've been struggling to remain faithful in my writing. I've been wondering if this really is God's plan for me. Because I do this basically for myself. People tell me it encourages them sometimes, but I do this completely on my own. Nobody asked me to. 

My husband gets asked to use his talents. I'm not jealous or resentful of that it's just an example of what I mean. He's a singer and he's great at 'sound'...and people ask him to do that. He gets asked to sing whenever singers are needed for anything and he gets asked to run the 'sound board' when it needs running. 

I have a cousin who is great at planning things. Like, she's amazing. And she gets asked to plan things. 

I don't get asked to write. I'm not pouting or upset about this, I'm just questioning what I'm doing here. 

Growing up, I didn't think I was capable of doing any really important job. When I took the military personality/aptitude tests in high school...they told me I would be a good senator or judge or college professor or pastor. If the test had had a face...I would have laughed in it. Not because I wouldn't have loved those jobs...but I was brought up thinking that politics or law school was out of the question for a christian and I also just didn't think I had it in me. And pastor was completely and utterly out of the question.:) Lately I've been thinking about possibly going to law school after my kids are grown just to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't know, like I said, I'm not building any doors for myself. 

Honestly, I thought that being a wife and mother were the only things I could do. I thought I would be good at keeping a home and caring for my children and husband. I'm not. It doesn't come naturally for me. I thought I would be fulfilled by it...and I love my kids and my husband so much that it hurts...but I find the itch to have something of my own to contribute to the world. Maybe that's a character defect. 

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and my significant contribution to the world will be that my house is finally clean and I have gotten over my phobia of having people over. Maybe that's the point to all of this. 

I don't know. But these are the thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head. I'm going to be faithful to my commitment to write...even if it's only for the feeling of accomplishment when the year is over and I've kept it. 

God is good, He is faithful and I trust Him with my future, my family and all of you! 

Raw and Uncut

I'm feeling kind of frustrated.

I'm frustrated because sometimes I totally think I'm surrendering to God and am in deep fellowship with Him and then I realize that I'm not really. If I were alive to God, I would be dead to sin and I wouldn't still be overeating. I mean, I know that as long as I'm alive I'll be growing and God will be changing me into the likeness of His Son. But I shouldn't still be a slave to food.

I'm actually really at a loss about this. I feel raw and frustrated. I mean, I think I've been growing in my relationship with God...some areas are kind of obvious....like the kind of mother I am. I'm not perfect but my mothering skills have seriously improved...like...exponentially. But other areas (mainly my food issues) I feel kind of baffled about.

It's not that I don't have the knowledge to eat healthy foods in healthy portions. It's the drive to actually do what I know, and not throw it all out the window when I'm triggered.

I feel like I'm not myself. I feel like the true me is buried under all of this fat and the life is being squeezed from me.

Maybe there's something I'm supposed to be learning, I don't know.

My weight issues hold me back. I find myself doing "grunt work" because I won't put myself out there to do what I really think God wants me to. I mean, I know the grunt work has value but I feel frustrated because I don't think it's what I'm supposed to be doing. It just feels wrong. It feels stifling.

The really frustrating thing is that a few years ago I thought God had solved this problem in my life.

Apparently not. Don't get me wrong though, I know the problem is me and not God. I'm not angry at Him or anything. I'm just in a weird place.

And that's all. Just wanted to be real.

Teaching my Kids to Get their Security from Jesus

I put my kids in public school this year. After a lot of prayer and thought we decided it was best. And so far it seems like a good thing.

This means I'm giving up a lot of my kids day to another adult. And a part of public school is reward/penalty based discipline.

At our "big kids" school there is something called the "Jeans List". Kids are awarded for good behavior by being given a reprieve from the normal uniform required.

None of our kids have made it so far. They have been disappointed every time.

Uriah, on the other hand, has been awarded Athlete, musician and artist of the week. 

I'll tell you what though, neither one of these things phases me, because I know who my kids are. I don't need them to receive awards or compliments for me to know who they are. Uriah was a good kid way before he was acknowledged by his teachers for being one. My other kids are good kids (who have their problems but are generally, usually fairly well behaved) even though they didn't make the "Jeans List". 

Awards and acknowledgements don't change who they are. Neither are failures or moments of poor behavior.  Doing the right thing is right regardless of who will notice. Wrong is wrong regardless of who will notice. 

I shouldn't do things based on who will notice. Uriah shouldn't only be a good athlete or musician or artist when the teacher is looking. My other kids should not stop being good kids because they have to wear khaki instead of denim. 

I want my kids to understand that my, and ultimately God's, love is not tied to their performance. That who they are as a person is not changed by what other people say about them. People miss a lot. And that could mean that someone who doesn't deserve to be acknowledged gets acknowledged while someone who does deserve it goes completely unnoticed. People are people and we are absolutely fallible and my self worth, and theirs, should not come from people but from the knowledge that God loves them, created them in His image and sent His Son to die for them.

I want my kids to know and be secure in who they are in Jesus, so that "compliments don't go to their head and criticisms don't go to their heart". 

That's something I need too. 

Trusting God at 9:02 a.m.

Remember Magnum P.I.? Shorty shorts, hawaiian shirts and . . . that mustache.

Thomas Magnum, of Magnum P.I., kept his head above water.

A power boat had passed by and knocked him into the water and separated him from his surfski.

Stranded. In open ocean.

Tired. Small hope.

He kicks his legs and waves his arms the way his father had taught him. Past the point of pain and exhaustion.

Not by agonizing . . .

over every kick and wave. Or how long rescue might take. Or how much his legs and arms hurt. Or how thirsty he is.

He made a decision each moment to keep kicking for THAT moment. Not ten minutes from then or even ten seconds. He made the decision to believe in the current moment and to keep kicking his legs and waving his arms. Regardless of how it felt.

And sometimes that's what life requires of us. Whether it's a bad health diagnosis, a struggling marriage or an addiction that I'm trying to break. Sometimes I just have to make the decision that at 8:42 am I am going to trust God with my health or my marriage or my addiction. I don't know what I'll be doing at 8:43 am, that doesn't matter right now...right now at 8:42 I am trusting God. 

I don't have to make the decision right now that even ten minutes from now I'll do the right thing. If that's overwhelming I can stop thinking that way and just think about THIS moment.

THIS. MOMENT.

Right. Now. 

I don't have to worry about whether I am strong enough to have faith in God, or trust Him with my marriage or my addiction or whatever else. 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us that God's power is made perfect in my weakness. He will do it FOR me. All I have to do is right now, in this very moment make the decision that I will trust Him. And then renew that decision in the next moment. But right now, in this moment, I don't worry about the next moment. Just. this. moment. 

Magnum ended up treading water for an extreme amount of time. Way longer than he thought he could in the beginning. 

Sometimes we get caught up in the future. Or I do. I think about how far I have to go and how I probably won't keep up the work it would take to reach that goal...so I never get started. But it doesn't matter a great deal if I start a good habit today and maintain it every day until the end of time. It just matters today. If I work out today, regardless of whether I workout tomorrow, it's a good thing, I'm better off. 

So today, I'm only going to worry about today. Or this moment. I'm going to trust God right now. I'll worry about 9:03 at 9:03. Right now, at 9:02, I am trusting God. 

Listening More Than I Talk

I get frustrated with politics. For a long time I've basically ignored the news on the basis that after mothering 5 kiddos I didn't have the energy to worry about what was happening outside of our never ending mountain of laundry. But I've regained my interest in the world of politics and where our country and our world is headed.

As a young person I was very interested in politics but per my upbringing, I believed that any career having anything to do with politics was not something a Christian could do. I have since changed my mind. Maybe God put my interest in history, government and politics inside me for a reason, I don't know. Maybe it's just a silly passion that I will soon realize is just a manifestation of a worldly frame of mind. I don't know. I'm totally open to being wrong on most subjects, I would rather feel the sting of rebuke than remain staunchly in the wrong.

I don't consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. Both parties embrace various platforms that horrify me.

Something that frustrates me and a reason I've felt disillusioned for a long time is just the amount of bickering, sometimes over really petty things. Some people will criticize President Obama no matter what he does and some will praise him no matter what he does. Both sides "spin" the action and assign whatever motive they need to to feed their own positions viewpoint.

Nobody really listens to anyone one else and it all just turns into one big game of tug o' war.

I don't have to attend every argument that I'm invited to and I shouldn't. It seems that people get so caught up in being right that they don't even remember the original issue that they became angry about, they just know they are angry and where the anger was directed and so every issue that comes up, no matter how small, they grab onto it and continue the argument as if it were the battle of the ages.

If I get offended by EVERYTHING, my outrage loses its impact. If I get upset about what my local landmark is called and what books the library lends then my opinion about abortion gets lost in the ocean of outrage. People just roll their eyes and close their hearts and ears when they see me coming!

This applies to church too. If I complain about the temperature of the room and what time the services are and what songs get sung and who's preaching and what we have for lunch and whose baby was crying in church then my opinion loses any meaning or impact it might have had.

I don't have to be outraged about EVERYTHING. Sometimes I just need to put on my big girl panties and get over it and realize that the people who make decisions are mostly doing the best they can. I am NOT the only person who has an opinion and when a hundred or more people are involved there are likely just as many opinions...some of MY opinions are not going to be honored. Maybe none. But isn't that what being a follower of Jesus is about? Giving up my rights so my neighbor can exercise his?

Maybe I should try just shutting up unless something REALLY matters. Like, what's at stake here? My comfort or someone's soul? If the answer is my comfort or preferences it's probably time to shut up. If someone's soul is at stake it's time to speak up.

It's time to start making my words and actions count for something. Spend more time listening than talking so that when I do speak up, people listen.

James 1:19-20
Proverbs 17:28
Proverbs 12:15

God Loves and Knows My Kids More Than I Do...I Can Trust Him with Them

I haven't written all week.

Sure, I've been busy, my kids started public school and I've been busy working in my home. And our computer is broken so I either have to peck on my phone or wait until my husband gets home with his laptop.  But since I've been really trying to be totally available and engaged with my kids when they get home from school...that option doesn't work.

So I am probably not going to reach my two post quota this week.

God is working in my life but it's not really things that I can put into words yet.

He's been showing me that I can trust Him with my kids. Which I already knew but for the first three days of school I kind of forgot.

I wanted them to go to school and effortlessly fit in and everything just be be hunky-dorey. But it wasn't. There were challenges. And I could have stepped in, but I think God didn't want me to. I think He wanted me to know and remember that He loves these babies a million times more than I do. And if that's true then He wants the best for them even more than I do. And what's more, He can work it all for their good in a way that I can't even comprehend.

If they love Him, He can take all the things that they don't understand, all the things that frustrate them and disappoint them and work them for their good.

I can't do that. I can only love them and support them. I can't see their future. I can't weave all the lives and things together to create something good from something hideous and bad.

God can. And He loves these kids more than I do. So I trust Him.

Instead of begging Him to give them a good day, I thank Him for giving them one and for working the difficult moments for their ultimate good.

My heart is at peace, and I can support them and reassure them and put the proper emphasis on events, instead of freaking out in fear over something that won't even be a blip on the radar a year from now. :)

The Flip Side to Broken Marriage--Things You Should Know

Now that we know the ways we are broken and the source of our brokeness, it can be addressed. We've stepped out of denial and into our desperate need for our Savior. Our broken lives and broken marriage have given us a knowledge for our need of our Great Physician more than ever.

A really neat perk of where our marriage is right now? I don't love him because he's a good husband. I don't love him because he's a good provider. I don't love him because of all the things we have in common. I love him. And that's all. He doesn't have to do anything to earn my love. I love him because we've spent the last 14 years as partners in the trenches.

Things that used to get on my nerves don't anymore. Because I love him. And that has absolutely nothing to do with his actions so I am free to just accept him exactly like he is. I've come to realize that my love for him is deep...deeper than anything he can do to annoy me.

Does that mean I don't want him to make better choices sometimes? No. I want him to make better choices for himself and how he will feel as a result and how his relationship with God will grow and not because of how they affect me.

We both know, because we've both proven, that we can love each other through really stupid and horrible things we've done.

We've proven our commitment to each other.

So...unconditional love and unconditional commitment. And a deeper and more rich relationship with God.

That is what has come as a result of our broken marriage. See what I mean by God working our mess for our good? He is so good and faithful. And as difficult as some moments in our marriage have been, I am thankful. And optimistic! God is awesome!!!