They studied women who lost weight and put it back on.
Turns out, a huge percentage of them started gaining weight around the time a major even or abuse happened. It was their brain and bodies way of protecting them.
So I asked myself, what was happening around the time I started gaining weight? What is my extra weight protecting me from?
The answer I came to is this: My weight is protecting me from anyone seeing the real me. The real me is ugly and vile, and being overweight is like a boundary I set for myself to only be "so" comfortable and to never draw attention to myself or take up space. It's like my own punishment to myself where I remind myself that I am worthless and unloved before other people have to remind me and I experience the pain of being unloved.
Being loved for a few minutes isn't worth the experience of losing that love when I screw everything up.
My body is a physical manifestation of the war between my desperate desire to be known with the utter terror of being seen.
Sometimes all of this feels like it will never be healed. Will I ever get to the bottom of my self hatred and rejection so that I can move on with my life in peace?
In addition to my weight issue I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder. For the last few years I've struggled to have hope. Lately I've found myself singing these lyrics to myself when I'm struggling to have hope or to be confident that God is listening to my cries, "but I can be sure of this, the Lord will answer when I call to Him". It's not a cure but it renews my mind and refocuses my heart heavenward.
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