Grief: Not Belonging

 Desperate, my heart grasped at a mirage of belonging. My soul embodied a perpetual and pervasive sense that I didn’t belong. 

Contortion, compliance and attention seeking by any means became my modus operandi. 

I embraced, embedded and seared shame and blame like a tattoo on my heart. Interpreted the lack of belonging as a judgment of my worth. 

Belonging eluded me, I settled for attention and tolerance.

When I finally realized that attention does not equal belonging I withdrew, consumed by grief. If I don’t belong, and no amount of attention will fill the void - what am I left with?

Acceptance. 

I don’t belong, but it isn’t anyone’s fault. Not theirs. Not mine. I just . . . don’t belong. They aren’t my people and I’m not theirs. And that’s okay. 

Love can still exist, a relationship can be salvaged - minus the striving for belonging, the grief when I don’t, and the shame of wondering what’s wrong with me. 

Cultivating Fruit

 I ask them to complete a task . . . like to clean the kitchen. When I get home, I see that they haven’t mopped the floor. In my head, mopping the floor is a part of cleaning the kitchen, so when I asked my child to clean the kitchen…I assumed this would be done. But my kids don’t live in my head and I had never communicated my exact and complete definition of what a clean kitchen is. 

Being the mother of grown children along with being the grown child of parents is a strange experience. Having the benefit of the two perspectives has given me many opportunities for thought. 

It is very common for people to communicate incompletely. It’s an epidemic, and the cause of a lot of resentment and conflict in relationships. 

We are in our own heads, and we forget that other people are not. Since we have the benefit of understanding where every thought is rooted and where it leads, it can be easy to communicate part of the intended message while leaving gaps that the other person then fills in for themselves. This leaves room for miscommunication and conflict. 

I think this happens generally with love. A lot of the things I’ve done have been motivated by love for my children and from a desire to promote their welfare. But all of the things I’ve done to promote their welfare has left me stressed out, overstimulated and tired many times. So I snap at them when they ask me a question or I yell at them to clean their room. All of the love that provoked all the work I did is drowned out by their feeling unloved because I was unkind. 

The Bible says that people will know me by my fruit. Am I cultivating the fruit I intend to cultivate? Or am I cultivating something to its detriment? Am I communicating to the people that I love that I love them? Or am I so busy in doing things to promote their welfare that I end up communicating that they are annoying or too much? 

Questions to Ask When You Can't Stop Repeating the Same Pattern

It felt like being compelled. Like a force greater than myself took over my body and performed actions I didn't want to take against my will. 

The truth was, while I didn't want to perform the actions, I didn't seem to be able to stop them. 

Changing the patterns of my own behavior has taken a lot of work, but making progress is worth the effort. Having a moment when I realize I can't remember the last time I did the unwanted behavior feels amazing. 

When I am faced with a habit or behavior that I want to change, I start by asking myself some questions:

1. How do I feel right before and during the behavior? Am I tired? frustrated? overstimulated? hungry? afraid? disappointed? embarrassed? 

2. When was the first time I remember performing the habit or behavior? What was I feeling? What was the context? 

3. What triggered this habit the first time? 

4. How can I interrupt the feelings and thoughts that lead up to the unwanted behavior? Do I need to remove myself physically from the environment? Do I need to eat something? Take a nap? Take some deep breaths? Go for a walk?

5. What need am I trying to meet by doing this habit or behavior? Am I feeling abandoned and doing this habit or behavior to get attention or to lash out at the person I feel abandoned by? Do I feel disappointed by the other person and I am trying to punish them for disappointing me? Do I feel vulnerable and I am trying to posture to hide it? Am I tired and trying to hurry other individuals to get the job done quicker so I can rest?

6. What boundaries do I need to put into place so I can interrupt the cycle of feelings, thoughts and behaviors that lead to the habit I am trying to change? Do I need to do the job alone? Do I need to set parameters for the hours I can work? Do I need to leave the room and do some deep breathing? What do you need to do in order to stop the cycle of the unwanted behavior?

Discerning the why behind the behavior empowers me to interrupt the pattern and insert new stimuli so my outcome can change. 

Guilt v Shame

Shame on you!

I spoke the words in order to provoke my children to heart change. I thought shame was an essential parenting tool. 

The truth is, I was telling my children they were bad. NOT that their behavior was bad, THEY were bad. I had confused guilt with shame. 

There is a difference. 

 

Guilt is focused on the behavior. Shame is focused on me. According to Brene Brown, "guilt says "I did something wrong", shame says "I am wrong"'. 

Believing in an intelligent and loving Creator, when I first heard this I wondered what the original mechanism for shame was. After reading through Genesis over and over, I am convinced that shame was never an emotion we were intended to experience. We experience it because of "the fall". 

I think that the difference in shame and guilt made the difference in the outcomes of Judas and Peter. Peter felt the godly sorrow that leads to repentance - guilt. He did something wrong, felt the conviction of guilt - "I did something wrong" and took action to correct it. Judas felt the worldly sorrow that leads to death - shame. He was wrong. 

Shame is extremely harmful because it leads people to isolate. Isolation breeds more shame and more shame breeds more isolation. The more isolated we become, the less likely we will find healing.  Isolation leads us to believe we are the only one, or the worst one. Neither of those are true. 

Shame is an effective tool of Satan. It's similar to when Satan quoted scripture to Jesus. It sounded ALMOST right, but it wasn't. Shame is the same way. Satan has convinced a lot of people that guilt and shame are the same and good. They aren't. Guilt cultivates spiritual life, shame cultivates death. They both cultivate, but they cultivate opposite things. 

Healing is found in community, in bringing things out into the light. In confession. In gentleness. 

Respond to guilt, but put shame in it's place. 

If I feel the need to hide in response to a mistake - it's shame. If I feel the need to confess and ask for forgiveness - it's guilt.

I would rather my kids confess and ask for forgiveness than hide their mistake, wouldn't you?

Communication Techniques that Perpetuate Conflict

Butterflies flittered in my stomach as he called the meeting to order. 

I knew he was going to confront them. 

But as I listened intently as he addressed them, he wasn't saying what he said he planned to say. He was saying something adjacent. 

This was the beginning of a major conflict that triggered a massive crisis for me. 

More than once I have been a confidante for people on more than one side of the same argument. Each experience has had it's own set of circumstances, but the roots and the actions that perpetuate the argument are always the same. 

What is at the root of every conflict I've heard more than one side of?

1. Incomplete communication. One person makes a statement that is the tip of the iceberg of what they actually mean. Maybe out of a desire to avoid conflict, they say just enough to convince themselves that they have communicated what they needed to, but not enough so that the other party understands exactly what they are saying. It's like two ships passing in the night. 

If I don't communicate the entire iceberg, I cannot expect anyone else to accurately discern the whole iceberg. They may fill-in a completely different iceberg, or fail to understand that there is a bigger iceberg. 

It's understandable. Conflict is uncomfortable. I lose my nerve when I'm face to face with the person on the other side of the conversation. But anything less than exactly what I need to communicate is a failure to communicate and will perpetuate conflict.

2. Passive or passive aggressive communication. Communicating passively leaves the other parties to fill in blanks with inaccurate information. So both parties THINK they know what has been communicated but actually, both parties have very different understandings because they have filled in the blanks differently. 

This also feeds resentment and contempt, both of which are detrimental to communication and successful relationships.

3. Withdrawal. Withdrawal leads to less communication. Then the involved parties project what they assume are the thoughts and feelings of the other people onto those other people. This is followed by even less communication. This leads to the objectification of the other people involved, which provokes people to vilify each other. This objectification and vilification provides the grounds that are needed to dismiss the people on the other side as immoral or otherwise unworthy of consideration. 

What I take away from this is this:

1. Communicate courageously, accurately and completely. Resist the urge to hint at what I want the other person to know. Say everything I need the other person to know with kindness and completeness. 

2. Be assertive, but compassionate. Say what I need to say openly, accurately and kindly. 

3. Lean in, and get curious. When I am tempted to withdraw, lean in. Spend more time getting to know the thoughts and feelings of the other person. Resist the urge to back off or withdraw. Learn to accept people for who they are and get comfortable with allowing people to disagree with me without moralizing it or vilifying them. 

How to Eliminate Drama from Relationships

 

1. Communicate clearly - write contracts. 

When agreeing to fulfill a specific role for someone I know, I should always write a contract that specifies the expectations of both parties. 

This can feel awkward because it isn't common. You know what IS common? Drama. Drama is common and stressful. Do I want the awkwardness of writing and signing a contract, or the stress of ongoing drama? If I want to mitigate drama, I should write contracts that lay out expectations and boundaries that will define the relationship/role. 

For instance, if I agree to help my friend decorate her home, I should write a contract that lists clearly and explicitly what my role will be and what I expect from everyone else involved. Even things that seem obvious to me should be written down. If I don't want to receive texts about decor after 8pm, I should specify that in the contract. The role of each person directly involved in the decorating should be clearly explained in painstaking detail. Deadlines should be clearly communicated. 

As things evolve, those new details should be written down and shared with all parties. 

If I have a phone call where we decide that someone needs to call a plumber - whose job is that? when does that need to be completed? who will communicate with the person the task is assigned to? who is the contact point if there is a problem with this task? 

If decisions need to be made - who needs to make them? and what is the deadline? who do the decisions need to be communicated to?

After the conversation or phone call, I should follow up the conversation with a text or email or other written communication that summarizes the conversation - including explicitly listing the job of each person, what the deadline is, who will communicate with the assigned party, and how we will follow up if there is a problem. In addition, I should request text, email or written confirmation of the information from the person I had the conversation with. Then, this should be added to the canon of the original contract. 

This reduces the chances of miscommunication and different understandings of who is responsible and what the responsibilities are. 

2. Own my part. Did I miscommunicate? Did I gossip? Was my ego triggered, resulting in me acting in pride? Did I make an assumption? Did I communicate with the wrong person? Did I expect someone to read my mind? Did I project something onto the other person? Did I fail to keep a commitment? Was I defensive? Was I arrogant? Was I unforgiving? Did I speak harshly? 

Drama isn't perpetuated by one person or one side of the argument. It takes two to tango. It takes at least two sides to perpetuate drama. 

3. The buck stops with me. When drama comes my way through gossip, complaining, etc., it doesn't get passed along. I don't repeat what person A said about person B to person B or anyone else. Also, when person A tells me something about person B, I stop them and tell them to talk to person B about the problem. 

4. Get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. When I first become aware of conflict I should go directly to the person the conflict involves and speak to them about it. I shouldn't give myself time to ruminate about it, but rather go and deal with it immediately. 

Talking to someone about a conflict we are having is vulnerable and can be uncomfortable, but take into consideration the alternative. How does it feel to overhear someone talking about you behind your back? How does it feel to be told someone else said something unkind about you? How does it feel to find out that the person I said something unkind about actually heard what I said? Is that better than taking the initiative to deal with the conflict immediately, as soon as it appears? 

5. Approach conflict as allies who have a problem to solve, rather than opponents trying to get our way. 

6. Ask questions. If I am confused by someone else's behavior or it seems to be odd or inconsistent from what I would expect, ask them for clarification as soon as possible. Don't assume, project or spend time ruminating about what their behavior could mean. Have a conversation immediately. Do not text. Speak in person if possible, call if it's not.

7. Spend equal amounts of time listening to all parties in a conflict. Don't take one parties word for what has been done or said. Ask questions, clarify. Set the record straight. Don't allow what one person says to change the way I think of or interact with someone else. 

8. If I haven't said something explicitly, don't assume that someone else already knows it. Even if I have said it explicitly, I need to get comfortable with repeating myself as many times as needed. 

9. If a text or written communication seems to convey conflict or negative feelings, stop texting and call or have an in-person meeting. 

10. When conflict has been resolved, stop talking about it. If you can't stop thinking and talking about it,  talk to someone you trust to tell you the truth. If not being able to let go of negative feelings is a pattern, you may need to address this with a professional or with a person who can walk you through repenting of unforgiveness and resentment. 

11. Allow people to make their own decisions about themselves. Don't exclude someone from an event, conversation or opportunity to help you because you think they won't be able to participate or don't want to participate. Allow them to make their own decisions about their ability, desire and boundaries. It's not my job to protect other people or make decisions for them. Ere on the side of inclusion. 

Purpose in the Darkness

My eyes scream when I flip on the light switch, but I'm not taking the chance of one of the bathroom snake stories I've heard happening to me. 

So I turn the light on. The unpleasant eye strain is worth the peace of mind of being able to examine the bathroom for snakes. 

In a lot of instances, light is a positive thing. Light illuminates, it helps me to see. 

But the truth is, the darkness plays a pivotal role in our wellbeing as well. Light at night disrupts our bodies processes that lead to our bodies functioning optimally. It disrupts melatonin production, which makes our sleep not as restful, which disrupts the tasks our bodies do while we are asleep. 

Darkness, in the right context, is right and good. It's like gangrene. In my childbearing years my midwife explained to me that gangrene helps a babies umbilical cord to fall off quickly. If I get gangrene at any other time, in any other part of my body it has devastating effects. 

I've come to recognize the pivotal role that my Dark Night of the Soul has played in my spiritual and mental wellbeing. 

I believe the Dark Night provided me the means and fortitude to take the rest I needed. To differentiate from codependent relationships. To learn to trust myself. To take responsibility for myself. To exist without striving. To tread spiritual water. To be consistent for the sake of being consistent. 

There was no snake in the darkness, and no gangrene to consume me. It was darkness that provided me with rest and revitalization. That empowered restoration, concentration and clear thinking. 

To read the next installment in this series, click here.

Another Root

 I hit the ground running. I was so ready for change and growth that as soon as I had any direction, I took off. 

Inspired by my own growth and what it seemed God was doing in my life, I began to take on projects in addition to my busy roles of wife, mother to five children and full-time employee.

Each opportunity felt like a divine appointing for service, connection and growth. 

I held multiple roles in a recovery fellowship, and several roles within the church we were apart of. I was working full-time on these projects while still trying to show up for my family and at work. 

It started to feel like the walls were caving in on me. Times of rest didn't provide me with the rejuvenation I needed. Nothing seemed to help. When one task was complete, there was always another waiting to be finished. I never felt rested, or relaxed. No amount of napping or taking a sabbath weekend made a difference.

I tried to share how I was feeling but it seemed that people didn't believe me, or take how I was feeling seriously. I felt judged and ridiculed when I let anyone see how much I was struggling. 

In addition, a series of events had eroded the confidence and trust I had in mentors. It became clear that I wasn't working for what I thought I was.

While this was hurtful, it helped me to realize that nobody was looking out for me and it empowered me to look out for myself. 

I gradually quit everything. 

This kicked off 4 years of darkness for me. I almost lost my faith. 

It was all triggered by burn out. 

It took four years for day to break on my Dark Night, and I'm still in the process of re-engaging in life. I'm careful what I take on, and I'm much more prone to say no. 

I've learned that programs aren't a means of relationship. Working alongside other people doesn't automatically lead to communion. Those things take intention and commitment. So I've learned to divert my intention and commitment to the right things. And to fewer things. 

I take things one step, one day and one moment at a time. I show up. Repeatedly. In the right spaces. 

I'm practicing though. This isn't something I've gotten down pat. I'm practicing. 

 To read the next installment in this series, click here.

Walking Off Into the Sunset

 
It all ends with the cast of characters walking off into the sunset. Living happily ever after. 

And that's how I imagine it. A dramatic crescendo leading up to the moment when everything I've worked for and my earnest desire culminates in the epic conglomeration of a new me. One without ADHD symptoms, social anxiety, an ongoing struggle with depression, one hundred extra pounds, a propensity to overreact to having to repeat myself and my family putting dishes on the counter instead of in the dishwasher. 

If I can read the right book, think deeply enough, be honest with myself enough...the road will eventually lead to that sunset. Right?

But here I am at 41, still wrestling with all of the above things. 

What I'm coming to understand is that I can enjoy that sunset, even if it doesn't cue the happily ever after music.  The road leads there, even when it doesn't end there. The sunset can still take my breath away. Even with my ADHD symptoms, social anxiety, perpetual depression, one hundred extra pounds and a propensity to overreact. 

Maybe it's easier to recognize and revel in the little piece of Heaven that it is when my flaws highlight the contrast. 

I'm learning that life is more about consistency than epic growth spurts and before and after pictures. 

Instead of getting it all right being a prerequisite for showing up, I show up until I get it all right. Instead of waiting for the black and white to be clear, I show up in the gray area and learn to decipher between hues of gray. 

Maybe I don't have to wait for everything to fit perfectly together to walk off into the sunset. Maybe the sunset is something to focus my eyes on and enjoy while I'm walking down the path, tripping over hurdles and learning to walk with more precision and consistency. 

A Root of Deconstruction

What I really wanted was truth. I wanted to feel sure. I wanted to make sense of the world around me. I wanted to know that God values me as a woman. 

I was triggered by some biblical teachings and beliefs in regard to women. I was struggling with what it means that I am never allowed to speak in the public assembly, and that God seems to have designed His creation in a way that empowers men to abuse women. 

Not because I wanted to speak in the public assembly, but because of what it might mean about God, that He wants me to be "seen but not heard". I felt unseen, uncared for and dismissed like a child who has childish thoughts and is annoying to the adults in the room. How could a god that requires my silence value me as a person? If God doesn't value me, then is He good? If He doesn't love me and value me as much as my husband, what does that mean for me? Are women just ornaments for men to enjoy?

My whole belief system is built around the belief that God loves me, that His motivation for everything is His goodness and love. The contrast between biblical instructions for/about women and the goodness of God created cognitive dissonance for me. If God loves and values me less than my husband, then I couldn't reconcile His goodness. I could have deconstructed and not looked back.

My deconstruction was triggered by pain, which resulted in questions. 

The conclusions that I ultimately came to are these:

1. The rule of men over women is part of the curse. It might not feel good. Curses usually don't. Submitting to my husband is about more than just doing what he says. It is placing myself under the protection of my husband. Much like a country. When I submit to the government of the United States, I am entitled to the protection being a U.S. citizen offers me. 

2. The subjugation, dismissiveness and abuse of women is not from God. It's the actions of men working on behalf of Satan. God does not condone the mistreatment of women. In fact, He tells men that if they do not treat their wives properly, He will not hear their prayers. Scripture is full of the protection of women. Passages that do not reflect the protection of women are passages that are simply telling the story of how men acted, they are not examples of how to live. 

3. When I honestly looked at the questions, I recognized that I was projecting things onto God and the Bible that aren't necessarily true. My questioning God's goodness was the result of the actions and beliefs of people. Of other people's interpretation of scripture, not scripture itself. My relationship with God transcends other people, even though it operates amongst and in collaboration with them. 

4. Everything I do rests on my belief that God exists, that He is good and that I matter to Him. As a parent, I understand that sometimes I've had to require things of my children that they deemed as unfair. They could not see the big picture that I could see. In a small way, I see my submission to God in the same way. I am willing to submit to something that might seem like an injustice, because I admittedly can't see the big picture that God can see. 

The truth is, I still don't understand why God allowed Paul to command women to be silent in the church, or any of the other things that Paul says about women. My shift in attitude has allowed me to not understand but remain committed. I've read arguments for why this isn't meant for us today. Maybe it's not, but so far I'm not convinced enough to be willing to lay it aside. 

Each time I submit or remain quiet, I see myself laying those things at God's feet.  I don't see them as my subjugation. I see them as my sacrifice. I don't need to know what he's doing with them. I trust that He is good and has my best interests at heart. I trust that He sees the big picture and I feel grateful for the practice. 

I still struggle sometimes. Women being silent in the church and submissive in homes can cultivate an environment of unconscious misogyny. If I see this happen, I remind myself that people are not God and their attitudes and actions aren't His. 

As my relationship with my husband has grown and developed, I've learned to take refuge in it. My husband respects me, and listens to me. He is a godly man that reflects God's love to me. I trust Michael to take me into consideration, and I trust God to work on my behalf. I speak the truth in love, if I'm called to, but ultimately I stay in my lane and watch God work. 

To read the next installment in this series, click here.

Turning the Corner of Deconstruction

If you haven't read the other installments of my Deconstruction series, this post will make more sense if you do.

Dark Night of the Soul 

I Deconstructed, but Kept My Faith

The Dark Night felt like being lost in the wilderness. Deconstruction felt like realizing I might not find my way out. 

I didn't find a lot of resources for people experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul. I read a couple of books, but most didn't help. I did the things I listed in I Deconstructed, but Kept My Faith instinctively. 

There are a million apologetics resources, but my issue wasn't needing evidence that the Bible is true. I picked up After Doubt about 3 years into this journey. It confirmed the practices I had already committed to and gave me insight into what deconstruction is and the purpose it serves.

I couldn't have named it at the time, but what I really needed was to realize that God isn't other people. That I had been hurt by people who make up the church, not The Church and not God. I needed to separate the actions of people from the directive of God. 

A turning point (that I only recognize as a turning point retrospectively) came when I gave up. I stopped looking for resources. Stopped listening to people. Just stopped trying to figure it out. 

I leaned into the rhythms I knew I could trust. I went to church without feeling the need to volunteer, I went to bed earlier, took walks outside, read for pleasure, spent time with my family, went back to school, read my Bible, sang loudly, deleted my Facebook account, went to therapy. 

Instead of trying to find my way out of the wilderness, I stopped walking. I stopped wallowing in self pity and fear, started a fire, built a shelter, stayed alive and waited to hear the sound of my name being called through the trees. 

I eventually did hear it. It ended up being more of an unfolding than immediate relief. And it's taken a while to trust that it is the rescue and not another breakthrough mirage. 

If you've been hurt, please know that God isn't other people. You've been hurt by people. The actions of people do not equal the directive of God, even if they claim it does. It has to pass a stricter test than that. 

Reach out. I may not have answers, but I can help you tend your fire, build a shelter and listen for your name being called through the trees. 

To read the next installment in this series, click here.